Husband lying about masturbating

It's a actually quite simple really. continue talking it out to him and as a partner in a relationship he too must please the spouse. If he does not realize that or he does not take anything into effect, go away for a while. Not  entirely a threat just a break. Perhaps consider an appointment with a counselor a relationship counselor. Anything that you think may make him come to realize that if he does not get his priorities straightened up, you just might leave him for his mistakes. 

Dear Sexually Frustrated

There are some fundamental issues here that need to be considered and addressed. But there are some very good things too. I am having to “read between the lines” an make some observations and opinions for you to consider. Several questions are posed also. Please think about them, and answer them honestly, then think about the implications. In short, I think you both need good marriage counselling, and maybe have the potential for a successful marriage. I hope my comments and questions will help.

The first thing is that for 18 months things were not going well, but you got married. Was this because you were pregnant? Or was it as an effort to resolve issues? It would appear that he is not “sold” on the ideal of marriage. 18 months of sex before marriage is never the best way to start, and many find that after marriage their earlier sex has a negative impact on what should be a good sexual relationship. Marriage is a covenant relationship that carries with it responsibilities for each spouse to satisfy the other sexually. Failure to do so is a breach of the marriage covenant, and is equivalent to adultery. However, your body-consciousness may be a significant contributory factor. I think he has used porn before, and maybe is being unfaithful. He is certainly getting sexual satisfaction other than by you. It maybe he is completely selfish, and has control issues. Maybe he finds you too assertive. But help is usually available if you want it. Nevertheless, divorce should be the last thing on your mind, especially after only 6 months of marriage.

“my sex life with my husband isn't great.” That is not an honest assessment. Your sex life with your husband is awful. Although you have sex as often, or more frequently, than many, it is unsatisfactory in many ways.

“We have sex like once a week (twice if i'm really lucky)” Make sure you thoroughly enjoy and make the most of those occasions.

“I am a very sexual woman.” That sounds good, but

• what do you mean by that?However sex must be an adjunct to and an enhancement of the overall relationship.

“I could have him everyday and he knows it too.”

• So what specifically is his reaction to that?Presumably he knew it before you got married.

“I love pleasing him” That is good, as long as he is pleased by it. So that “pleasing him” is not a euphemism for “pleasing myself by playing with him”.

“and have never said no to him.” That is how it should be. But he should never say no to you. But he may be finding it overly intense, with too much pressure on him.

“Even now when I’m 8 months pregnant.. I’m always ready for him.”

• Always?

“I have spoken to him numerous times regarding the frequency in which we have sex”

• What is his response to that?
• What does he say?
• what does he do immediately after the confrontation?

“for the past 2 years we have been together - 6 months married now” That is 18 months unmarried and 6 months married.

• What was the reason for getting married?

“pretty much explain to him that once a week is not enough for me.. in a nice and understanding way though.” I can understand that.

• But is it the sexual intercourse with him you need, or the sexual release?

“He works full time and has a physically demanding job.” So he may get tired, and sex is demanding physically. Also, there may be performance issues for him. A woman can have sex at any time; a man has to be able to get and sustain an erection.

“so I don't expect our sex life to explode everyday.” It doesn’t have to, but

• does he know that?

“it just seems like after I speak to him about it, it changes for 1 week then back to normal.”

• How does it change?
• What changes?
• what is the difference for you and for him?

“Another problem is that I don't always orgasm with just intercourse” That is common, but many women do not ever “orgasm with just intercourse”.

“he doesn't last very long having sex (like 2-3 mins max.).” That is common. It may be a premature ejaculation problem. You both need to work on that – carefully.

“It just seems like now sex is always on his terms when he wants it”

• What are his terms?
• What happens when you initiate it?

“and now he doesn't even offer to finish me off other ways.”

• So he used to?
• What did he do?
• When did it stop?

“Like once he has cum he is done” Maybe he is, as is often the case. Perhaps you need to cum first.

“This leaves me feeling very unsatisfied sexually.” That is understandable.

• So what do you do about it?
• What does he suggest you do?

“I love him and love having sex with him” So hold on to that. I often think of the famous Bible passage on love  (often read at weddings) to remind myself of what true love is: “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a)

“I love … sex with him even when i don't orgasm” That is good. Don’t lose sight of that. But you do have needs he should try to meet, or should help you meet.

“but it is getting to a point now where its just for his pleasure really.”

• Why do you conclude that?
• Does he know that is how you feel?

“I wanted to spice up our sex life and bought a we-vibe (hoping it would help me orgasm while having sex)” That may have been a wrong move, unless he was completely happy with the decision. It sounds as though it was your idea. It might have made him feel inadequate. It’s main use is supposed to be for couples, not just the woman, and would have been better bought for you both equally.

“we got him a 'fake vagina' because he wanted one” That is more worrying. The vibe is not a fake penis, and is technically for both.

• Why would he need a ‘fake vagina’ when he has the real thing readily available?
• So the big question is why is it “he wanted one”?

“also a porn dvd” That was a bad move, even if it was free. A sex education video is one thing; porn is completely different, and dangerous. This would make problems worse rather than solve them.

“agreed upon that it was something we would watch together only.” That was never going to work given your problems together and porn’s addictive nature.

“i am a very self conscious person and i have alot of body and confidence issues” and this has most likely impacted on your sexual relationship. While you are wanting the sexual stimulation physically, he needs it visually as well. If you are not willing to give him visual access to your body, you are depriving him.

• Do you ‘put on a show’ for him?
• Do you let him watch you masturbate?
• Do you let him see your body at times other than in the bedroom?

“i was against watching porn early on in our relationship - it was a big no no”

• Why was that?
• What has changed now?
• The “big no no” is now a ‘Yes’?

“was a bit concerned at buying him a male toy”

• What was your concern?
• Did you discuss that with him?

“but i use my vibrators only because that's how i get off now”

• Vibrators (plural)?
• You have only mentioned one, so what else do you use?
• How often do you use them?
• When do you use them?

“its unfair if i use toys and don't allow him to” Yes, but you are still uncomfortable with the idea, and the we-vibe is suitable for both. He could use the we-vibe on his own if desired.

“getting these items was a big step for me.”

• Getting which items in particular? The fake vagina and dvd?
• What about the we-vibe?
• What about the other vibrators?

“I am trying to be the wife that makes him happy in every way and give him what he wants.”

• Every way?
• Visually?
• Have you discovered what he wants from you? What he ‘wants’ may not be what he needs!

“we had sex 3 nights ago and I used his male toy on him for a bit of fun”

• Just for a bit of fun?
• You didn’t take it seriously?
• So how did you use it exactly?
• Did you use it the same way he does?

“we began intercourse - he lasted like 1 min and then it was over” I am not surprised. He was already close to orgasm.

“and it was bed time”

• So where did this happen?

“leaving me without an orgasm”

• did you ask him to work on you?
• To kiss your breasts; to lick your clit; to massage your g-spot?

leaving me without an orgasm (without making it happen myself) for 3 weeks”. He maybe thinks he is inadequate and cannot compete with your vibrators.

• When did you start using vibrators?

“I peeked at his drawer and saw how he had placed everything in there and how he had packaged his toy.”

• So why did you do that?

“The following day … I had a look in the drawer” So you were checking up on him!

“it had been moved around and his toy had been packaged differently (obviously used)” Just as you expected!

“the tv light … had been turned off (making me think he used the dvd too).”

• But had he?

“I know that masturbation for men is normal.” Yes, as it is for women.

“But it does get upsetting when it was used on him two days prior by me and we don’t have enough sex as it is.” He doesn’t have to perform for a fake. There is no expectation from it.

“I feel like I am constantly asking for more and he is using his masturbation toy instead.” Maybe that is the case. The toy makes no demands.

“I asked him if he did that night while laying in bed and he turned and looked at me in the eyes and lied to me.”

• Asked him if he did what? Masturbate?
• Why did you ask him?

“He said he was hurt that I don’t believe him and don’t trust him and that if I’m okay with it he wouldn’t need to lie - but he did lie.” He shouldn’t need to lie anyway, but he is suggesting that you are not okay with it,

• so why aren’t you? Or if you are, then tell him so. You have to be open about everything.

“I have had issues with him lying in the past about sexual matters on many occasions” So this is nothing new.

• When did it start?
• What were the sexual matters?
• Why did you marry him if you knew he was such a liar?

“only coming clean after I threw proof in his face” The expression “I threw proof in his face” indicates that you are fiercely confrontational.

“I just don’t know what to do.” Start by answering my questions (at least to yourself).

“It’s not the fact he did it that I’m most upset about it’s the lying about it.” But he lies about it because you do not like him doing it. You can’t divorce the two (althought that does not excuse him).

“He knows he is lying to me” Of course he does!

“he knows I know he is lying but he insists on not telling me the truth.” Possibly a compulsive liar.

“Like I don’t deserve it.” Maybe, or just that lying is a habit that he thinks nothing of.

“He then went on to make me feel bad for my trust issues with him and lying (which are clearly valid) and that I was a horrible person for accusing him of such things and he got really defensive and narky.” That is all defensive and blame shifting to divert the attention on him. Not unusual (unfortunately)

“I am just sick of constantly being lied to.” But this has being going ever since you have known him, by the sounds of it.

• Did you expect him to change?

“I looked up divorce options today”

• Options (plural)?
• What did you discover?

“I am 8 months pregnant aswell”

• So why did you get pregnant?
• What does he think of the pregnancy?
• Is he looking forward to fatherhood?

“I do love him”

• What do you love about him? Give 10 reasons?

“I just don’t know if i can be with someone who lies to me.” That is a challenge. You need counselling.

• Where are you?

I hope this helps as a start.

wHOA~!!! I am sure you are trying to help but your "advice" seems a little overwhelming, and burdensome to read and I am a third party...I think initially she was asking for help, and you might have just overworked her defense mechanism by those researching questions. She is also pregnant, and probably for the first time. Let's be a little sensitive. Although I have never been with child, yet, most of my friends have 3 or 4, have been hornier and needing more sex, during pregnancy, so that is normal. However, from a guy's point of view, there are some realistic, scary issues that they face that might just make the ambiance of making love not so great anymore. I mean, most men have many questions that may become more problematic, especially those that don't like discussing those issues with their spouse. As you know men don't like to talk about these things. Manlier, they are, more they clam up. For example: I am also a wife of 6 months. During our courtship and beginning of marriage, we really tried getting pregnant. But now, my husband changed his mind and only after I probed him with questions, he let me on to know that he is down right scared. He is scared: of the responsibilities, the money issues (especially since we are not well off), it doesn't help I am still a student pursuing a second degree towarad a new career, and becoming a father for the first time. My husband is a manly man too, it took him a lot to confess his fears. Before this confession, our sex life was really hurting on our 3,4,5th months. Now, sex has improved since then. Of course, we are also still trying to get pregnant. It took me a long time to know how to talk to men, I am 41. I didn't know I was nagging. Some men just get turned ff by confrontational conversations. Watch a movie with a similar situation together, or share a story in a newspaper or on internet and slowly open up a conversation tuning it into a personal conflict with open questions like: have you felt that way? Just be fair and listen when he is ready to talk. If things don't work out well between the two of you. Do consider a marriage counselor before a divorce. You will soon become a family of three. I am assuming you will deliver in about 4 months. No one said marriage/life is easy. Unfortunately I dislike life experience situations like these that prove an old saying. Certainly, if you still love him, and both of you are still in love with each other, work on your relationships to make your marriage last. Just remember: no real marriage have no problems. I hope for the best, hope this helps.

I think she was asking for help, and the aim was to put the presented situation in a framework so that each aspect can be considered by her. I read the post several times before replying, and tried to give a balanced critique of each point, realising that there was much that was not said. I am sorry you found them burdensome, but most problems have to be analysed before they can be resolved. When you visit a doctor's surgery and present your assessment of your condition, the doctor will probably ask some probing questions. My questions were not subject to "researching" in any way, but if they are to be to be any help then they need to be searching. I hope I was sensitive to the situation, but if "be a little sensitive" means not addressing the issues, then it is not much real help.
There often are scary issues for the man to face, but you have made some sweeping statements about men that are not true. "you know men don't like to talk about these things" - no I don't! However, I do know that some men don't like to talk about these things. "Manlier, they are, more they clam up" is not true either. In fact the manlier, they are, more they open up honestly. It is not true manliness that makes them clam up. It is often an inner weakness that masquerades as strength. A real man knows how to treat a woman. But of course men get turned off by confrontational conversation, but that is a separate issue. A real man will want to satisfy his wife, even though there may be difficulties in doing so. However if the woman constantly under-values and undermines him, it will create difficulties. Hence the need to examine honestly the situation. To turn an opened up conversation "into a personal conflict" seems a recipe for disaster. "I didn't know I was nagging" is not because you didn't "know how to talk to men," Nagging should be off-limits to and for both men and women alike.
It is certainly true that you should "work on your relationships to make your marriage last", and it was that aspect that I was trying to address diagnostically. To just "hope for the best" is not enough.

Dear Shepard666,

I disagree completely with your assertion that "He is certainly getting sexual satisfaction other than by you." I am in a sexless marriage (sex 3 times since Jan 2012) and I am not having an affair. I am faithful to my wife.

You are making broad characterizations that likely do not apply to the OP.

I was not making broad characterisations, but an individual assessment based on the information provided. Your situation seems quite different. It is highly commendable to remain faithful to your wife, but if she wants sex more often than the "3 times since Jan 2012", as you are not meeting her needs, you are not completely faithful to her.

Yall need 2 go c a relationship counselor & talk bout it mre if hii can onlii pleasure himself n bed itz not no need 2 hve sex wit him if yhu cnt b pleasured

Hey there I know exactly how you feel. Thing is I've been married almost 4 years and been with him for just over 6. We have 2 kids together and I'm getting seperated. Probably not what you want to hear but if he's been lying to you about the small things and has no problem at doing that, you need to think to yourself. If he's lying about small stuff who's to say he won't move onto bigger stuff. Give him an ultimatum or bluntly ask if he loves and cares about you because you don't feel loved and if it keeps up after we have this baby I'm going to move along and leave you with your toys and hand. His hands certainly cannot embrace him and hug and hold him like a good woman can. See what he does or says and then you'll know what you have to do. Hope that helps. :)

My gf and I have some of the same problems. She is ready to go twice a day every day and I am just not. It occasionally pops up as an issue where she has not been satisfied for a while because I've been busy at work or whatever. Sometimes we get in a vicious cycle where I'm too tired to put the effort in for her pleasure but I'm still turned on, so I masturbate when she isn't around, so I'm not in the mood later when she gets home, and on and on until something goes off the rails. Point is, I can relate. The thing that usually helps is her spicing things up a little for a night, get my imagination going. Or I will get excited and "break the cycle". What makes the problem worse is her texting me during the day that she needs some, it just puts pressure on me and makes it worse. I know it isn't your fault, but you really only have control over yourself, all you can do is control your own behavior

Welcome to a man's world. This is what a lot of men complain about with their women. Looks like you just got hit with a little role reversal.

 

Some men, like myself, loves it when a woman takes what she wants and stops waiting for him to initiate it. Women seem to have a hard time with this though so it almost never happens. You know, lay in bed next to him, just grab his head and shove his face down there...keep him down there until you are completely sexually satisfied...that way when he only lasts 2 seconds (hahaha) you have already been taken care of. But again...that's just me. (Only I last way longer than 2 or 3 minutes...) More like 5 minutes, haha. Just kidding...really though, I don't know what to tell ya. If you were my woman, you wouldn't have this issue.  ;)-

Wow thats something else

wtf is this sh*t^

Guy lie about masturbation not because they are masturbating but because they are thinking about having sex with someone other then you when they are masturbation. That's why they are embarrassed and lie. They don't seem to want to admit that. Instead they like to say it's "natural" and if you ask they about it you have a problem, are uptight, rigid, have handups or whatever. Well most of us women (girlfriends, wives) ARE NOT OK, with the whole jerking off to every other hot woman on the planet. Sorry buy we aren't going to change either. So keep lying. The less informed women out there won't know for awhile.

Same can I trade my wife's sex drive for yours???? I wish my wife would touch me or even want sex matted 17 years 2tween daughters she is stay at home mom I work outside home. It's mid July 2017 we had sex 6 times this year. I just stress relief when I shower that's all the action I get. We are both able and capable oh well don't get married my advice