Support Needed: Husband not interested in sex but I am! Pregnancy

My husband (30) and i (31) will celebrate our first year anniversary on the 27th of may, and our daughter just turned 6 months on the 7th of may, so i am pretty sure you could figure out that we put the carriage before the horse. i am like you with a high sex drive and my husband's is quite low as well. while i was pregnant i felt my sex drive was even higher and he was just not interested at all, and i too felt unwanted, sad, etc. as soon as I had our daughter i was determined to get back into shape thinking that would make it better and things would go back to normal. within six weeks i had lost the 40 lbs. i gained while pregnant and i was back to weighing 130 lbs standing at 5'7. unfortunately it has not gotten better and it hurts me every night to go to bed alone feeling unwanted, and frustrated. i wish i knew what to do and i wish i could offer some advice, but i can not. i just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one going through this.

Hi,

That sounds familiar to me. When I reached my second trimester, my libido suddenly shot up like a rocket. My husband, meanwhile, was just not interested or had some sort of emotional blockage. He said that he was afraid of hurting the baby, but I think he was just not attracted to me while I was pregnant. Hurling that at him caused some issues at the time. Sex drive issues are probably one of the more common reasons for relationship problems while pregnant, actually. Add the hormones and things just get a bit... tense. 

My son is three now and I can promise you that our sex life and relationship did go back to normal. We're even thinking of having a second baby. I hope the next round will be better, sex-wise. ;)

I have been with my fiance for 3 years. Yeah you heard me right we aren't even married yet and are already having sexual issues. I am only 26 and he is only 30. I wouldn't say that I have an overly high sex drive. I used to but this has decreased dramatically in the past few years due to the repeated rejection from my fiance. We get along great, we spend time with each other, we love each other very much. But for some reason for the past couple of years he has had a complete disinterest in sex or any kind of affection for that matter. Of course there's the once or twice a month that he gets drunk and wants to have sex but other than that it doesn't happen. I would really like to know that he can bring himself to make love to me when he is sober but lately that hasn't been the case. I ask for it about once a week (I would ask less if I ever got it) but I always get some lame excuse! It's either "I'm tired", or "I have to work in the morning", or "I had too much to eat my stomach hurts", or "I have a headache", or "the kids are home", or my personal favorite; the excuse that I got tonight "the dog and cat are in here!". It's gotten to the point in the last year or so where everytime I try to kiss him he pulls away!!! There is a complete lack of affection and I think that bothers me more than the lack of sex. I could really live without the sex, if only he would at least kiss me when he comes home from work. I don't know what to do at this point. I have talked to him numerous times and explained to him that it kills me to feel this way but it doesn't seem to make a difference. It changes for about a day or two then he goes back to the same old thing. I have found porn sites that he visits online so I know there is some kind of drive there and I have done everything to "spice it up" but nothing seems to make a difference. I don't know what the problem is I have 2 kids NO stretchmarks. I'm 5'4" 115 pounds I work out 6 days a week I have blonde hair blue eyes. I have a great career, Im the president of the PTA, I'm a great cook, I clean, I basically work my ass off to be "the perfect wife" for him and have never had a problem with my self esteem but lately I feel like he is disgusted by me and it hurts more than anything. It makes me second guess whether or not we should even go through with our wedding. So I understand completely where you are coming from. As selfish as it sounds it's comforting to know I'm not the only one out there dealing with this problem. I wish you the best and I hope it all ends up working out for you.

If you are not happy and fulfilled in the relationship, do not marry him until you guys have found a solution to the issue. Can you really see yourself living through this kind of pain for the next 50 years?

I very nearly left my husband of 12 years for this exact problem. However, we did find a way of working it out. If you guys can get to a place where you are both happy, then go for it.

I realized that what was happening is that my husband was worried that he could not satisfy me, and he had issues with sex because he did not feel like he could keep up. This prevented him from feeling like a real man. Every time we had sex he felt bad about it, so eventually it slowed to a standstill.

I stayed faithful, but I started fantasizing about other guys. Had I found another relationship, I would genuinely have left him. That would have been a real shame, because he and I love each other and get along in so many other ways.

I found a toy that I like very much, and went ahead and used it. He used to gripe at me for masturbating, but I did anyway. One day I asked him for help with the toy, because I just couldn't "get it." It was wonderful that he was actively participating. I loved his participation and he loved my earth shattering response. He felt like he had some power to satisfy me. Afterwards, he wanted to have sex. It's amazing.

Now, when I ask for sex, and he says no, I ask him if he would help me with the toy, and he says I'd be glad to. Sometimes he follows up, other times not, but either way I get where I'm going, and he has come along on the journey with me.

Thank God we found a solution. It truly saved our marriage.

From where I'm sitting it looks like you found a solution. God and your husband had nothing to do with it. Give yourself a little credit.



But as much as I admire your creativity and appreciate the courage it took to do what you did, somehow I don't think it would perk up my wife's flagging libido if I brought home a Fleshlight and masturbated in front of her. Maybe I'll give it a shot--I've tried everything else--but I'm not sanguine about the prospects.



My solution has been to seek out my counterparts--ladies like Kesai, whose partners have retired from sexual activity--for friendship, sympathy, mutual support and sex.



Yes, that's right. I'm "cheating" on my wife--though what she's being cheated of I cannot say--with other men's wives. Double adultery:shame on us! But it's keeping our marriages together, and that's a good thing.

To all of you, I am 48, he is 13 years my junior. We've been married for 12 years. You are different unique individuals, what works for you may not work for someone else. Just hang in there and try not to stray. I realize that the last guy is cheating on his wife and he thinks it is keeping his marriage together but he is not fooling her, he is only fooling himself. She married you and the problem is between you and her, not anyone else. Cheating is a short term solution for you...not her because she doesn't know...but the longer you are together the more the chance she will eventually find out and then what?
Just the posting and asking for help is good. Try to seek out a counselor, or a therapist, or a clergyman...if your other half (or potential other half) won't go then you go without him (or her). If things work out then great. If not then you are only gonna prolong the pain by delaying getting some mediation. The confrontation of a problem is the beginning of solving it. Communication is key and a mediator won't take sides. You are supposed to be on the same side anyway. I wish you all luck and happiness. Remember that you are only 50% of your relationship even if you give 110% and you are all deserving of happiness. The pursuit of happiness is even in the constitution!!!

DO NOT GET MARRIED TO THIS GUY - it will be an issue until forever. I am living it right now. And i wish i had the foreseight to not have married him. I love him but the no-sex has essentially killed all romance and companionship we had.

This is happening in my marriage too. I guess I am fortunate because my husband does make the first move and initiate sex if we haven't had it for like 10 days or so. But this is still not enough for me. I want to be hot for each other. I want him to want me nearly every night. Granted, I too am sometimes too tired for it, but I'd rather be having it too much than not eneough.

I think a lot of men get brainwashed when they're young. That women are only having sex to please them, and therefore if they don't want it, deep down subconsciously, there's no need for it. You see, they are allowed to have "needs" but women aren't. They still laugh at us when we say we do. They think that sex is for the slutty girls they go out with in high school but when they "settle down", all that sex stops.

Myself, I bought some toys too. Not because I like or need them, but just because I knew it would bother him. That I was going to get it from wherever I needed to - "first toys, then another man if that wasn't enough" was the message. Don't say it, instead show him by buying the toys and putting them away somewhere he can "accidentally" find them. I needed him to take notice that this is serious. It worked. He understands now that he has to perform - there is no sugar-coating about it. If you don't demand this particular type of attention from your man, he'll get worse and worse. Soon, you'll be making love only on your anniversary. Can you imagine?

Every man should want to satisfy his wife in bed. If there is some problem, they should be working to get it fixed. If the problem is mental/psychological, they should be seeing a therapist. If I were a guy and couldn't get into it at least once a week to shatter my woman's world, I'd go get some viagra, or Red Bull, or whatever the latest "trick" is to get it up, get you in the mood, and keep you there long enough to satisfy.

One of the main connections within a monogamous relationship is the sexual aspect. No one should fool themselves: This is extremely important and (although it sounds horrible) worth leaving a relationship for.

My fiance and I have been together almost a year (I know, not very long). We met, four months later he was ready to be married. We began planning a wedding and I got scared and thought it was too soon and maybe we should hold off for a bit. Then a month and a half later we found out we were pregnant. Him, his family and my family pressured us to get married because they are very traditional and don't think we should have a baby out of wedlock. I on the other hand didn't want to rush things and wanted to focus on the pregnancy. Shortly after becoming pregnant my fiances interest in me drastically dropped. I have to beg for any physical activity between us and 95% of the time am rejected with excuses like-can't we just hold eachother, maybe tomorrow, I am too tired, my stomach is full, etc. I have walked in on him taking care of his own business and called him out on it for how much it hurts me that he would rather that than me. I can't seem to get that thought out of my mind.... that he prefers doing that as opposed to me. He used to be all about me. I am to the point between the rejection and now, how much we fight that I just want out of our relationship. It is putting too much stress and strain on me at 30 weeks pregnant. Should I just accept the rejection and deal with it? Should I move out and regain my identity? Has anyone ever dealt with something like this?

I am some what in the same situation I am 33 my husband is 32 & I just had his first child he is know 3 months old. Since I had our son my sex drive has increased tremendously. We have been married for almost 2 years & the sex has always been at least once a week which I was okay with, but know since I had our baby. I feel like I want it all the time but he doesn't. I even went to the extreme of trying a couple of suggesting 's I found on a Christian web site for married couples ***** am not going to give up. I will keep trying & I would suggest the same thing. God bless & good luck.

It's the same here.

My husband before we married would want me constantly. Then less and less until it's about once a month with me initiating it and him suffering through it.

He masturbates instead now. I don't understand what this is all about, from the other comments on this thread, it seems to be a lot of the same situations.

I wish I knew why, and the rejection I feel when I try to initiate it makes me feel unattractive when I'm not, and unloved and like I am an annoyance. He actually gets mad when I attempt to initiate sex.

Compounding the issue is other men who find me attractive, who say the things I wish I would hear from my husband. I don't want to cheat, but just some validation and affection, some hope that I'm still attractive to him when I know I am not would be nice. Although really it would be a lie since all evidence points to the contrary.

I try to deal with the rejection in a healthy manner but when I get unsolicited comments from other men, when I see the difference between how it was and how it is now with my husband I just cannot figure out what happened.

I look the same, it's only been one year since he all of the sudden stopped wanting me and worst of all he DOES have a sex drive, it's very evident when he masturbates daily.

Is it that he's selfish and just wants to please himself without the pressure of pleasing me? I'm seriously considering divorce at this point because he won't even acknowledge that this is a problem. I cannot even have my feelings validated. If I bring it up he yells at me. The only way I've learned to deal with it is to detach myself emotionally from him, and how is that any way to live? When you have to make yourself not care about your own husband and what he thinks of you? I'm unhappy and it affects my self-esteem in such a way that I start feeling unworthy of anything.

I go to bed every night thinking I just want out of this. But then outside of that is a man I know can be sweet and attentive and sexually attracted to me because he was before. I keep hoping that old version of him with re-emerge but I don't believe it ever will. Time to cut my losses?

Is there anyway I can contact you?

I'm having the same problem in my relationship, and worse still, we are not even married or been together that long. We started out in July 08 and he was very interested in my body then, but we had ups and downs throughout the next few months until now that he seems totally uninterested in sex.

I know he still loves me from the other things that he does for me and he holds and cuddles me all the time, but I need more than that. I suspect that he just has very low sex drive. He didn't seem to enjoy sex either - he was a virgin when we did it last month, and he couldn't even climax. I did think of leaving him but the thought of it hurts so much that I am still holding on to a sex-less relationship. I don't understand how we can have the hots for each other just a few months back and now it just disappeared.

I'm so worried.

If he was a virgin you know he might be insecure about his skills. You know performance anxiety. Do you orgasm? How old are you guys? Are you pregnant? Is he paranoid about you getting pregnant? I know that caused my husband a lot of stress at first. Has he ever climaxed with you? How about alone? Have you been feeling insecure about your body? I know whenever I don't feel good about the way I look we don't have nearly so much sex. If you are unhappy with your body try improving your diet and exercise it'll make you feel better. Do you pressure him to have sex? Or always let him initiate it? If he always initiates it maybe you could try initiating it once in a while. On the other hand if you are always pushing him, back off. Any stress for him with school or work? Is a lot going on, stress kills libido. In the beginning everyone has way more sex than they will later on, 3 times a day isn't really normal lol And everyones desire waxes and wanes.

I'm 26 and he's 35. I don't think pregnancy is an issue at all since we were using a condom and I wasn't ovulating when we tried having sex. He can't seem to feel anything when he was in me, thus did not climax at all. I have no problems with my body, but somehow I feel as though he doesnt get turned on much by me. I'm not sure if i'm thinking too much about this.

I think our major problem was when we found out that the humping method that he has been using all these years to masturbate might be damaging as the sensation you get from humping is different from the usual fist method. After that incident, everything went downhill because we were afraid of screwing up again (which we did, again and again). Now i myself am so afraid to try again because if it doesn't work again, I'd be really unhappy and frustrated. He couldn't climax at all the last time we did it 2 weeks ago.

I suspect he might be masturbating recently with his humping method again since then as i don't think a guy can go so long without climaxing. It hurts to think that he may be enjoying masturbation more than doing it with me, but i'm afraid to ask him because i don't want to start an argument.