I am in a mess. anxiety or not?

Hi Dawn- sorry to hear about your horrible week!

Yes, I did go to the doctors in the end , took my girls too. They seem fine becca has something viral , probably alex too .

Today I am so achey, arms legs everything feels sore and I just want sleep-but children are more upbeat than they have been so feel guilty.

I was thinking how much better I am though. I mean before I was actually thinking suicidal thoughts-im not now. My children mean so much to me-sometimes I cant believe that I was even like that!!

Though , he doesnt help. I mean I give him grief-well as far as I am concerned -he deserves it! I try to explain to him , that people who care are careful with their words and that actions and behaviour is proof in the pudding to how they feel. anywaym, so he states that I am evil and malicious. ( who cares , who cares , who cares, im not im not im not!)

Ignore ignore ignore. grrrr!!! Why is it like a blade against my skin -when he hurts.

Anyway, managed it through to Glasgow.Left becca with mum , and it was really interesting. We did some case studies. One of which bugs me. It was about a girl who had cigarette burns on her back, bruises up her arms and was with someone whodrank too much. First you think shes getting abused and that she self harms etc, But this is what I think -it sounds llike she enjoys self harming , perhaps he has hyrt her and so on, but now I think she takes glory in the pain , it how she enjoys living, makes her feel loved, when she feels pain her association is that of comfort, he who loves me maks me hurt so hurting is part of love and so on. he then cant understand why she does thids to herslelf and then drinks more heavily. Maybe she asked for the fag burns in her back. or , she could be drinking heavily, falling all over
aweee dear need i go on, im so tired. my legs hurt so bad, my siste thinks Im getting the flu , that why i had all these short breathing episodes, she thinks it s that and that Im about to come down with childs bug. hmmm-think thats more plausible than anything else.

mum compares it to whne she nearly died in a car accident and couldnt cope and she too had major panic attacs after, but I aint been in a car accident, I havent been hurt recently etc so why no?????????

Anyway, hope you have a better week. and take care, I may go back to bed.

hey-just come to vent agiain. Im supposed to be doing studying -erm-its not happening yet. I put myself off a bit yesterday/ex says i will have to breathe and eat the stuff. The thing is-the more I read the more I go -THATS ME-I know we all do this-but yesterday I read about Munchausen by proxy/parasuicide, sexual and physical abuse amongst children and adults with learning difficulties.....in all of them I just go-THATS ME!

Awe god yeah-ive not broken the law or anything, (im sure I have a inhernia) something is poking out my body) but yeah, I had a couple of glasses of wine-big bad move. It was more a reward than anything. God, and its like hes jealous or something. Theres no communication, except he has decided that I am not allowed out, unless I have a fully charged mobile, and I aint going far, talk about building walls. Its as though Im trapped, when I get out im so scared of being out my box, I hyperventilate-weirdest way of crying out for help....i guwess words no longer work either...I JUST CANT DO IT!!!!

My foot is really painful today! Its strange though-I love autmn, especially the crisp days, theres something beatiful about it, autmn mirrors the summer we have and grabs a hold of the winters in front of a good movie-b****r though/I no longer have a fire !

Im back at work tomorrow. Im dreading it now as they know what i am like-I know they care, but at the end of the day they have their own lives, and they all WILL gladly walk away from me-the proof was there before-why should I tell all if these people really dont care/ it frightens me, so im not going there, im never going to tell them anything else ever. its true to say this is my world....they who havent been me will never understand. i dont care if theyve been the girl /boy watcj=hing mummy and daddy beat each other, throw knives at each other, scream at each other, bounce heads of walls, throw vases, run over one or the other, bounce ther knees of the back of cars, ...I no longer care...I watched that too-but try no communication being bounced of of them, not feeling wanted, feeling undeserved , like a failure, searching for love, searching for something to fill the whole , not knowing , not knowing whats home, never knowing, then getting used to moving about so much , you never settle, move all the time and theres no such thing as home

I dont know. I dont see the point in splitting up , weve seperate bedrooms and he cant come near me, I dont care for anoother relationship ( though Ive been offered another kitten.

Why is it that when you take a project on, everything seems good, the tv, ooutside, , the girls spirographall theoir toy, why is it everything seems so good when youve work to do????

Okay, see, im just escaping. honestly though, I feel better in the sense that I dont want to be ill tomorrow or the next day or the next again day, I want to feel clean, make a shower worth its time. i dont want others to judge me and say "look at that jakey" but I do think I look a bit weird on these pilss. anyway, hope your okay, i better go and get on!

I dont get it. I took my pill this morning and went for a long hot bath-I dont know if its being in the bath, and I dont know why but i was thinking doom thoughts. Its almost as though I want him just to love me/to treat me like Ive always wanted to be treated. anyway, then I look in the mirror I look hard and old , chewed up and spat out.

Hes gone swimming, im supposed to be soing some stuff, but Im switched off now,

see, I annoy me some people have real probelms, my problems are not real!

I think ive caffeine allergy-sure of it-my nose gets worse instead of better when I have a coffee

I dont know what it is-but it gets to about 1 pm and im always feeling sick, and cant get breathe.

I convinced myself there was something I am allergic too at work( Possibly could be work haha!)

Ive been eating like a horse lately( today!)

Was looking forward to a wee relax, but got home and letter from solicitor-none of which is good newsAnyway, other things are going on...i just cant breathe properly again. I cant breathe out my nose as my sinuses are all blocked and then I get thisgagging thingn round my neck and I think im going to vom, and then I cool down and dont and grrrr! But it does pass. I dont know what to do now I know the right thing to do-i know , I know Im PMtd too-honestly the way I feel.I love husband bashers ( today only!)I know thats a shocking treerrible thing to say -but where im standing it feels good I dont really truthfully mean any of this its just the way I feel today.............................Anyway, im so unsure what to do and my stomach ig gurgling at me like its starving....Ive just fed it about 3xs today and its still gurgling at me, Oh Id better go .

What did the letter say? Did the doctor check you out too when you took the girls? I don't think its your work I think it's the house, you have complained about the stuffiness, and the gook coming out of your nose, and the swelling and nausea etc. That's CLASSIC allergies! What did both the doctor and lawyer say!?

The lawyers letter basically states that I can only physicallly seperate by moving out and some waffle about how I have aprental rights and that he can take me to court if I decide to move out with the girls. Then to-why his lawyer has not responded to me not been given the parental rights documetns to sign , and that maybe he has changed his mind. I just get the feeling that this guy was noton my side at all, was not looking out for my best interests at all...and whatever -I dont care, what goes around comes around. Im not happy about the rest , basically they are wanting to close case so that they can get their money.

Ive been trying to find info on my course-but cant seem to find the relevant reading materials...here, book shops etc...Grrr!

I dont know what to do, right now I dont feel Im ready to move out-even though I am at the end of my tether. I guess its my only optionwhich is PANTS!!!

Ok, my doctor checked the girls over and me-nothing seems to be wrong - and it still is panic! I hate being in this place/state-but im trying to take control ( as you know) I am finding it hard though( as you knkow)

Im hiding from it now-as though if I dont think about it, it will go away. I avoid it, and then boom it slaps me in the face and i cant get breathe

I feel like there isnt really much the lawyer did for me-nothing in fact was gained by going to see him and in fact, I can state its made things worse, not better.In fact, I am angry with the law, and then get even angrier about things. dawn to tell you the truth I havent a cle what I am doing

Ok, enough-I hope your all right.You put up with me, my colleagues put up with me, my poor doctor puts up with me, and I havent got a scooby clue as what to do - not anymore. Im just avoiding this just now.Perhaps once I am more qualified in whatever, ill manage it better-who knows! Ok, got to go now, read becca her story. take care.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Dawn-Im upset!

I dont know -actually-thats one lie ( and a big one at that)I do know-I just dont want to know
Ive hurt my back-ive not been sleeping for everything. I look like sh*t!!! I look really old-I dont think Im dow again-its not that-but as soon as someone mentions my situation-I bubble and then get that feeling as though I want to just let it out-but cant. as then I worry people will ask questions, I cant explain so would look like a looney. In fact, panic was mentioned at work-am i getting help etc and am I geting a new house? and cry cry bubble bubble-and really its gone on-but hey next to death , it is a life changing thing for all concerned.its not just my life , its my childrens lives.

Hes working tonight and he has been watching dvds all day...its just not fair-Id like to sit and watch dvds all day too-but I cant

8-|

anyway, i dont see th epoint talking about any iof it-Ill just have to wait and see, and when I eventually do manahge to get another place to live-pls remind me how bad this place is!

What is the status of them finding you another place?!! Shouldn't it be done by now?

I have mentioned this to you before Katy! Are you in such a state of flux BECAUSE of him, OR BECAUSE you will be moving! You anxiety level has definitely increased, yet as soon as someone mentions your status to you and your anxiety, you either back off or shut down!

It's one step at a time! Even though I think this course - under regular circumstances - would be one of the best things for you! I have to wonder about the timing of it! You have studied psychology, so you know what I'm getting at here! Are you doing this course, to deflect questions about your changing future?! So if someone asks you "when are you moving out Katy?" you can turn around and say "that's on the back burner right now, as I am taking a course....but as soon as I finish the course THEN I will be moving out!"

I've been talking to you for 5 months now Katy! And when you get SO close to making the decisions, then you step back! Thus my thought that you don't want this! You want him to change and become a "REAL man"! As a studen of psychology, you HAVE to know that the only thing that can change is how YOU deal with that person! He will ALWAYS be an ingrate, and he will NEVER help you on a daily basis with the kids! He will ALWAYS take advantage of you, because that is what your relationship dynamic is all about! As I have said to you before, "why would he want it to change, when you do everything for him and the kids"? He gets to go out whenever he wants too, he does what he wants to when he is off work, and refuses to help you! The only time he pulls his fingers out of his arse, is when he feels like you are about to get stronger and actually leave him!

I think without REAL psychiatric/counselling help! You and I will STILL be talking about this in another 5 months and so on! I GET not wanting things to change, I GET have something is better than nothing!, I GET not wanting to be alone!, BUT what I DON'T GET is not getting help! You NEED help Katy! Period! Your body is fighting back and getting worse, your mind is engulfed with self loathing and panic! This is NOT good for you or the girls! You mention quite often - lately - about your thoughts of suicide!!!!!! This is a HUGE warning sign for you and quite frankly myself too! You always quickly follow it up with "Oh but I would never leave the girls etc. etc." IF you think about it, it is RIGHT there underneath the surface! So you HAVE to face your demons Katy, because lets face facts, NOT facing them has brought you to this point! You are in total panic mode, you are at the hieight of self loathing, and can't think straight! If you don't get and ASK for some help - like I said too that you avoid getting medical help at all costs - then you WILL self destruct!

I know everytime I mention what I think, you tell me "I feel better today!" "It's not so bad!" "I was just venting" etc. etc.

There is NO ONE to convince Katy! EVERYONE knows you are having a hard time! The girls, him, your family, your co workers, your doctor, the lawyer, the strangers on the street and on a bus!!! EVERYONE knows that you are on the edge! So there is nothing more to defend or keep secret! EVERYONE of those people are asking you if you have gotten help yet!!! And soon they will turn their backs on you for being sick and tired of seeing you self destruct! It would be the same as having a terrible cough, that goes on and on and on! And you refuse to go to the doctor, and everyday people ask you "Have you gone to the doctor yet? Are you taking the medicine he gave you?" And when you keep on refusing to go and keep on coughing, people get annoyed that you refuse to help yourself, and can't stand by and watch you "choke to death!" And that is what is happening to you right now - literally - you are choking to death! So it is up to you to get the help that we ALL know you need desperately!

Even if the doctor was to put you in hospital for a couple of weeks - so you CAN rest and regroup - WHY NOT?!!! You have to read all of your post to me, and see ALL the times your body is fighting back tooth and nail!

Here is a list of symptoms of a Panic Attack disorder!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panic_attack

I think that the drugs you are on, are NOT working for you and you need to be reassessed to be put on better ones! I was on about 3 or 4 different ones, before I found peace with CLONAZEPAM 0.5mg 1 per day, and Cymbalta 30mg 1 per day! The Cymbalta has changed my life Katy!!!! I no longer feel like I've lost control! And that is what you need to get back Katy - CONTROL!! You have to have normalcy in your life, and above all HEALTH and LIGHT! You CAN'T have this without help! He is NOT going to help you Katy! So get help from a professional and don't tell him a thing! Your girls need you to be healthy Katy, and YOU need you to be healthy above all else!

Erm..well, Dawn-how can I put this, ok the idea of eating hospital food freaks me out!!! No offence to the cooks etc, but really id rather not!

I was ok for a bit today-like you know it went pear shaped, and yes, Ive not been great tonight. In fact , Im like something out of the singing detecitve, the singing detective , himself! Ichy flaky skin!

Anyway, I was thinking about how when I get a bee in my bonet about something-I do actually carry through with it. determination does drive me, and I will get through. The only person, other than you, that seems to have any kind of empathy with me, is my bigger sister. Awe yeah-shes has a new boyfriend , which I think is remakrkable considering everything shes been dealt! But lets put it this way she aint the sensitive compassionate, outward type. No! she the opposite...He gives her..this attitude..."I want to make you fell blah blah" she remakrs something to the effects of" i dont want to hear of your pleasantrie" so I end it it with i think you should apologise for that..Ie), Sorry, I didnt mean to offend you , and I am interested and actually want to know about your pleasanrtire( then followed by jokingly...text message him this blah blah blah, ya wanker! Sorry, but that our crude sense of humour showing throughCant help it sometimes, I just get into her head, and she gets on my level and we are off on one, laughing and trying to prevent any accidental floor floods1

Anyway, the truth be told, I feel Im at a loss! I know its over, but also I know I neeed a babysitter till I get qualified...use and abuse can go two ways () I guess_ but still, im thinking about my other issues of finding elsewhere to live. as long as my beatiful cat can come too, and ill will miss my kitchen , but you know what when I think back to materiial goods and how its shaped my mother etc, its not valuable-so maybe I am starting to think in the right direction. He cant hurt me anymore, and i do know its over, its sad, but its the truth, and if I want to be mature about it, the only way with dealing with it, is like my lawyer , you and everyone has said, move. So I guess thats whats coming-but im taking my time-if he cant hurt me, then I damn well will take my time to make sure that we getan okayish home for us!

Anyway, period is due and pain in stomach is phenomenal , in fact I think haveing Becca was easier sometimes than having a stupid monthly. Ive got to go now, get some study done, and then sleep.Take care Dawn. Hope your doing well yourself!

hi daftydil

How r u dear? . Its been a long time since your last post . how r u going daf?. Do u feel a bit better now ?. Pls keep up posting . We are a family here and we are here to help each other in difficult moments ok . Wish u lots of luck !!!

Take care swt.

Hugs from Malta

Hi getfunky -thanks for that. Steadyhealth is a good sight/forum place/1, I met Dawn, and 2its a good place to go. WellIve just been out to a specialised bookshop, took my reading list-went through the entire list, and not one book...so what do I do-waist some money on a book called s'urvivors of domestic abuse"-but there were loads of really good interesting reads. At one point Id neasly spent every penny I had buying irrelecvant books , just as I wanted to read thm.

I had a panic attack outside the store, was absolutely fine in the place, and then on trying to get the bus home couldnt breath and renching again. Ive got diazepam in my bag-that I just carry around, the thought that if it happens agiain-so I can take one-does help! But then when I go off on one, I physically cannot do anything about it, I posted a post about something else, and its really interesting, as someone has the same symptoms as me, and tried to go gluten free.....I may try this too.

Anyway, apart from yelling at that non caring enemy omaeba-im fine today.Though feeling guilty as I want make it to college tomorrow as I cant get a sitter.

Well my eldest child is going down the route of emotional blackmail...."If he foesnt move out-then I am never ever gong to visit him, and tell him mummy-Ill tell him that if you like" ...Good plan pal-but I dont think it will work!

Don't let her do that Katy!! It's too much for such a little girl! What I want you to see is the bigger picture, this is her trying to "fix" the situation! She knows how this is making you feel! And she is living with the tension! If things don't change soon, I guarantee you Katy, that she will start have headaches, wanting to miss school - to make sure you are OK, feigning illness, and actually start vomitting - from nerves!

Have you heard from the housing society?

No word! Im really going to have to push them- ( no I dont mean around!) I mean, Iam going o have to get on the old blower and rench it out good and proper-Ive had enough!!!! Ive read half a book on DA, and its almost embarassing reading all this-and not haven seen the signs. Look, I do not see myself as a victim-I dont, sometimes I even think I am the perpretrator-like today my yelling attack on him-though the good news is at least I know this is wrong, and I know It cant go on!

When you mention that stuff, about headaches etc, I think the younger one is more prone to wanting to do that-the eldest uses school as her escape-I am sure of it!

Anyway, I dont knkow about my mentality etc, but I do know this, I ll have to beat whatever it is stopping me out, so to just do_ aam petrified of my thoughts-Ill tell you , only in the hope you can understand, but I shant be teeling anyone else, all Ive wanted to do tonight is cut my you know whats up-I want to cut it up so Ill never forget, so I can never feel so that it doesnt exist, so that its ruined and can never be used again!..yet, that just it, when ou have an itch down below or agonising stitches, its really debilitating, but I really do not care-I dont care about what pain I feel, Ill never be able to totally epathise with my children and on how they feel about the entire thing-its a killer! Again-I know I want do this-heavens above, that would be so embarssing, but its how I feel.

I do think its funny , when i think back to both days I ad my children-couldnt care less what they did to my privates-well actually -I got pissed of a bit about being examined, even though I know thats just stupid!

its horrible, one minute I remeber my bedroom as a child, the next I am isolated in a bedsit that I am totally trapped in, nad the next I am herer fighting-does that make sense or am I a headase like he states I am? I do think there is something underlying in me, but I dont think hes been any support, in fact hes been nothing but bad for me. i guess theres worse, Ill get through it, I can do this, I can and will I have too. I have to, theres no staying put-I cant forgive him-if needs be, Ill go alone for a little while to w/a to just get some strength-but then I think back to my ill doings and wonder if its just a relationship breakdown-is it just a relationship split?Ive so many questions, and so few answers to give myself. he has stated that writing here is ABUSE, and that I should just take it to the internet! That annoys me, as why he cant understand why I cant just pleasantly talk to him, annoys me!

Anyway, you were right, my con was right, my solicitor was right, and my only option is to MOVE!

Ok, I cant even go to college tomorrow as he wouldnt help. i asked the children if they wanted to come, becca got too upset, so looks like I have to miss a day. I bet you anything, it will be the only relevant day, it will be the question that comes up in the exam-and I will have missed it!!! Ok, got to go, feeling a bit sick tonight.take care, dawn