I am in a mess. anxiety or not?

Do you mean the concersations in my head-or what I think other think they are tryig to tell me? Its a bit fifferent- Ihave vices-that I know are me-that are me-that are triyng tosay and distinguish the right from the worng-then I dothings- that doesnt give a damn-like spending toomuch money! Or just feeling, at the end of the day, no one gives a sh*t! But sometimes-and itsd a bit different -its like a awoman ( who lookds lie his mum ) telling me im evil and I should burn in hell and that iwas ever good enough adn thats why I seserve to be treated the wayI have been- and I know its madness-then I blank them -them- I forget them then try and pursue something to sistract me from evil zone- its not real-but then I cry- im scared! Then I close my eyes and like last night i felt like a blown up thing breathing out a puffer thats blown me up- I though tiwas havinga n out of experience body thing- I though t thats it- im in a coma- and ill not wake tomorrow-its hard to explain what it felt like. i felt like i didnt exist, I was deceased but still here-what is that?( Thats not the same thing as ive just been reading- is it? I didnt feel like I want me, just didnt feel like I was here-like i was a goner- do you understand ? its kind of hard to explain. anyway-im going to bed now-Alex has a sever sprain-her arm is slinged up!

Being off the meds- Im really moodie/angry terafulwoman= but I dont want to tak ethem at all! I dont want the face swolen and feel like a freak and sleep ing toomuch/or sleeping not at all! I want to deal with it myself!

You CANT deal with this yourself Katy! You are ILL! Have the doctor change your pills! You are crying more, you are angrier, you are more desperate etc. So what is that telling you? I truly think you should quite the course - this has been too much for you with everything going on! And instead of loaning the money from your mum for this then use it to rent another place! As I stated before, you keep putting up road blocks so you can stay! This guys is killing you with small slashes and eventually you will be in a postion that NO One will help you, because you have said so little about what he has done! If you actually told people - especially doctors and social workers, he would have been made to leave ages ago! You went to the hospital with racoon bruises - that is proof enough! ALL doctors and social workers know that you have been beaten and it is a silly excuse, it is up to you to bring it forward! Being off antidepressents in your state I think is VERY dangerous! And I don't know why you are doing this! Are you still sniffiling, dizzy, wobbily, lumps, bumps, bad focusing etc?

I dont know ( god - what is that , letters pop out before the satr and end of words and on other words-its makes me angry! Tryin gto sptop it by focusing on the keyboard andnot looking at the screen- is it any better? Nope-theres one up above-I cant bloody type!

Im just tired ( I reckon) I didnt sleep well lasy night! Im worried im usually really symapthetic and aptient with my youngest-shes driving me MENTAL! I couldnt sleep so at 530 ish I put a washing on and clambered into their room to see what was what. I nearly diesd with anger/anneurism! if theyve not sorted that fter my shift at work I taking good stuff to charity and the rest is going in the bing-stuff it -shes nearly 8 and I keep finding pieces of my jewlllery ( even though its cheap) it shouldnt matter...i dont go about cuttling up her teddies ( YET!).

Do you think- i dont even wnat to mention it again to be honest but do you think the above could be just a simple reactionto his mums death and the fact that I worrry about what she though of me( why do I?)

Anyway, im going to leave my all about me book and see if I can get a snooze before work

Bambi-my course feels like the only part of me left. i cant quit that! And I was thiking-before I never got to show my true worth and this is my 2nd chance to!

I cant go back to the doctors-not ever. A) I dont think they care. B) I dont want to end up in a box right now. C) I want piece and quiet and to be left alone and not to think-or to think about other mad people as some are definatley more mad than me( no offence) but some ar elovely mad amd I love lovely mad!

Ow I hate my hair too-its frizzy gingerish mess and my eyes are so baggie - oersonally I think I look a bit like an orangotang! Without the body hair-that would be so cool -I could go and join the apes and have a cddle with them.

Ianyway, Dawn dont worry-this time last year I was cuddling lamposts - im not doing that now- I just get the bus!

yes im still wobbily and yes in the evenings I see 2- though I know the one image that is real and the other thats dreamy like. When I put sunglasses on I really notice that I really only use my right eye-my left eye is just a piece of curious decoration-just like tat arty thing I was blessssed with at birth on my foot-its getting sorer.( thats my toe) maybe it will fall of itself. podiatry did nothing for it-and those rubber things made my fott painful. I wish Id wake up and its would be cheerirer news,

Okay!) I love my children and they are lovely humans despite their bedroom looking like a ( literally like a skip)
2) becca is only 7 shes not 8 so I maybe shouldnt be so hard on her- but I need to stop doing things for her like making her breakfast , appple juice and cereal and making her supper -she is not incapable she can do these things hersle3) alex is lovely and somewhat cheeky, but shes lovely and helpful so Im blesed with her-just wish shed stop falling and the rest ( do you think shes doing this because shes thinking about so much? Hmmm-hope not!
Richard- wel I guess i wasn the one and thats the only reason im in this position now. If I had ben the woman for him then I dont htink all this owuld have happened. he says one mintue something odd and affectionate and the next something just awful so I need to leave....but then theres stuoud old me-this even though its way way off what ever I had dreamt of, ( this flat) its HOME! Sod it Ill make somewhere else a home-but it will never be the same, here I have memoriess of the children as toddlers as bablies, of btinging the cat home.the only baby I didnt have o give birth to ( thank gos) hwy do they not just tell you you think you are dying whilst giving birth but dont worry dying probably ten times worse but you get drugs! I dont know I could go on but as usual ive ogt side tracked..I should go and get on with tudying this place or should I SHUT UP AND have a lie down. When I feel like this, I miss my grandad..Youd think it mad but I even miss the smell of kippers ( hat was my grandad) Or a flat sausageand brown sauce-he was a funny man and he was your true grandad 6 ft odd, thick thick white curly hair, one shaky arm, and always doing really cheeky thigns to harden me up , like throwing me in freezing cold water to make me laugh or shock me one Funny man... You didnt have to tell him much hed just knkow and then do something silly to change your thinking-why cant I be more like that?

OKay Ill give yousome piece and quiet Its maybe not fair to share my thought with anyone at the moment.
Even looking at those boxes of pills makes me sick - I dont want them!~ and besides Ive nt been asked if I smoke weed in a week now. Thats got to be good!

dawn- id dont think im sick-im tired thats all!

Ive discovered somthing. i found a silver necklace that my mum bought me years ago..I cleaned it with bicard and boiled water and Ive worn it for about a week..My skin on one side of my neck is really irritated.

Anyway, Im I not just more tearful due to coming of those pills and is it not just the case that I need to get used to life again without them? Want ti balance out once ive had a decent sleep? I dont know what to do- you say im sick -Im not sick, im just ttired. I must admit though-even borooeing money of my mum to do htis course seems like a bigger knot as Ive got to find the funds to pay her back, find the funds to remove me and children/though if I dondrink thats half the batttle. God the keyboard is echoing , every kkey i press is tumpig and echoing. Right ee oo..Im away to get ready for work and practice smiling in the shower/ Hopefully the wind will change nd it wil stick!

Icant believe its 9 am in the morning and ive just eaten a slice of cheese on toast with jalapenos and ( boy) really hot chillis sauce by hp-It feel s like im decontaminating my throat. This is the thing somepeople may even see that as harming me-but it doesnt feel like that it feels good for me a toal wipe out. It makes everything run and I feel much better for it! It truly understand now why people cut themsleves, but I am thinking id understand more a burning thing than a slicing thing_ I wonder why I think that?Anyway, thats a buzz for the day. Alexs wee arm is still sore-weve to go back to hospital if shes no better by saturday. they couldnt finsd a break, but it was too swollen to find anything! Anyway, ill be all right if I keep saying ike I used to do, if I keep saying "Ill be fine in my head" The panic will go away and witch head want pop in either!

Work was weird-there was an atmossphere-I hope it wasnt me that created it!

The I cam e home-really tired and I dont know. Mum wouldnt help out in any other way so payed up fees and now in flood of tears and feeling pressure mores so than ever! Finding that sucking ice cubes helps and if I make my balc really straight I can breathe in more esily without feeling like im choking though that comes and goes evey half an hour-should I go back on the pills I dont want to boether my doctor!?

Okay= O feel like ive written my own death certificate! Mum would only give me the money uf it was for my course-regardless of anything I say. So as iwas walking home there was a job advertisement for the ceramic experience, Sturday/Sunday , so I dont upset the job I have. Im in the process of applying.

Im extremley tired and havent done a jot of studying though Ill start untense tomorro wnow my fees are paid( I hate this though- Ihate being indebted to someone and even though its my mum- its the worst kind of debt! Great so I have now to work my arse off. thatll be good for me- anyways- this situation is c**p- but I have o now live and deal with it the best I can. I worked out- to get out I need at least a spear thousand pounds-so hears me saving. but once its done , itll be done! Thats the the bigger picture-money really is a power, and well ollearn it - hopefully eventualy. lets not talk about taxation- look I know life is short, but it should be sweet, When I go I want to be proud-at least I tried. Yes dawn- Ive gone back on the pills!

GOOD! I want you to prioritize! Right now you want to go to school and finish this - so just concentrate on that for now - not Richard, his mom his dad, his cousins cousin etc, doesn't matter HE doesn't matter, just be civil! and then get the other straightened out first!

Thast just it- and now im feeling low about myself( wondering if thisis the onset of schizophrenia). I have to now tak ethat pill wethter im a drunken pest or a hopeless mess!

I went to bed early last night and ive been awake sine 5 , not bad for me! But my joints ache. had severe runs adn just wantto sleep the day away.

Ow when I think aboutit I wa s anasty cow to my mum. She said something like.."Your Husband...and blah blah blha".I went wild///"He not my HUSBAND are you stupid?" She went mental back..."Whats wrong with you NOW? Followed by NO IM NOT STUPID!" It was the word HUSBANC THAT DID IT.

I locked myself in the lous for half an hour sobbing , annoyed at the world and sick of me being like this.
Anyway, I feel more calm , but more choky and I just want sleep

Why am I such a b***h? ( That reminds me, my sister tried ringing 3 times last nigh -she did that redial thing-I lay in bed and ignred it- I was half sleeoing thogh. Thats another thing- I dont know why but thelast time she called she gave me a row for not poning my dad. Apparently he couldnt get me -so Ive to ring him, but I dont want my dad to know what a mess im in! Sory-one day Ill have made a big clay heads of them all with spitting image feature s to show their personalities. Mum will have and extreley big nose, and ears, my sisters would have huge eyes...my children will just hav etoys and sweets coming out their ears and voices of mummies and daddies screaming at each other. My dad would be surrounded by all gadgets and hippy long hair and an outgrown berd and moustache. I better go get ready now..Im just waffling!

Okay- Im prioritising-how? I have no choice-though I like my course and the tutors. I just asjed one what I should study and stated that thye need not wish me luck as that makes me feel lonely. The mail back was"Im not going to wish you luck because youll be fine" I get that logic! iots made me fel a bit better about it too, abyway Im going for a 25 minute walk in the sunshine to prevent osteoperosis!

This is great -NOT! i feel under more pressure than ever-im not as angry-but im ot capable, I cant get motivated. I came home from work with the intention that I was going to stud-I cant stop sleeping and everyone is annoying me. I dont want to talk to people because I feel no one understands me

I feel so out of it-why was I so stupid? I would be fine had I not messed anpout with those pilslIm an id**t!

Dawn- where are you?Im much calmer, but feel really lonely and isolated - i dont want to face any of this-I want a luagh!

I keep googling about alcoholism and ti just makes me feel worse- so I may stop that

Im so sweaty and anxious about my exam that my ears have popped and i cant /havent done anything yet

I wish I had some laughing gas!

Im fed up living my unhappy hell hole-BRING ON THE MUSIC- IM GOING FOR A DANCE! I cant wait till my children are 18 so I can embarass them and ill be out this situation Yahoooo-so thats 11 years to go! way hey-great news! okay ill have a dance then study.

WEll that was fun-its not the same though I want my head banger friends back! We were a bunch of headbangers! Where have they gone?