I can confidently say, I had an abortion.

I am 25. A little over two weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. My period was about a week and a half late and I had a gut feeling. I took a total of 3 pregnancy tests. The first I tried was the Dollar Tree test, it was positive... almost instantly. Just to confirm, (even though I already knew) I bought another test in a store that had two in a box. Those two tests confirmed my instincts. I figured I was about 4 - 6 weeks along.

Almost instantly, I felt alone. I was no longer with the father of the baby and was not at liberty to tell my mother. I am thankful that my best friend, married and having three kids of her own was at my side to support any decision I would make. She'll never know how much I love her for supporting my decision.

The two weeks between finding out I was pregnant and actually going through the abortion was probably the most emotional period ever in my life. I was more emotional than someone close dying. I barely slept, I couldn't stop thinking, I could stop crying, I was unusually depressed, I barely ate. I thought of every scenario possible with keeping or not keeping the baby. I even visualized how I would re-arrange my entire apartment to create space for a baby.

I grew up with a single parent, and I personally know by experience how difficult it is to make ends meet; to have food and clothing.

I kept in my mind that in 5 years, the decision I will be making, it will matter. I am not ready to be a mother yet, as much as I want to have a family. I live alone, have my career, my soon to be future career, goals I have not met yet. I have worked so hard to be where I am in my life, that as horrible as I felt with not being ready I couldn't put it all on hold, it just wasn't fair to the baby and to myself. I planned to buy a newer car, I have 2 classes left in my degree, vacations I still want to take before I have children. And if I decided to make the life altering change of being a mother, I would be become a struggling parent that I would never want. I cried every day after I left work through the night until I had the abortion. I know it may sound crazy, a couple of times I touched where the baby was and repeated I'm sorry. I've never felt so guilty about any experience or part of my life. I was removing this baby that I would never meet, love, or hold.

The experience of the abortion, (surgical) was one I will obviously never remove from my thoughts and memories. I am thankful that the Nurses and Doctors were amazing, and they never once said anything that made me cringe with my decision or make me feel uncomfortable. The only moment that it felt more real than ever, (other than how I had physically felt) was seeing the baby on the ultrasound. The nurse that did the ultrasound told me the baby was completely healthy. I repeated healthy baby over and over again for got knows how long. And then she showed me on the ultrasound that my body had produced 2 eggs that month and I could have had twins but the second egg was not fertilized. She said I was roughly 5 weeks and 6 days along to 6 weeks and one day. As my best friend and I were leaving the ultrasound room, I could hear the most depressing crying and sobbing. The room directly across was the surgical room. I felt sick to my stomach and started shaking.

The actual procedure was painless. I have a strong thresh-hold for pain, so the only parts I experienced were the pinching of the needles inside, some slight cramping and the cold antiseptic inside. I had no pain after and moderate bleeding.

Today, it has been 3 days since. I've never felt happier with any decision in my life. I will never forget my decision and am grateful that I chose the path I did. I cry as I have written this, and I apologize for any grammatical issues, and such.