When I was 14, I got into a sexual relationship. The sex was forced upon, and made me feel really "on-the-spot". He would continue even if I told him to stop, even if I was hurting or bleeding. This man was older - he was 19. It's reported to police now and he is getting prosecuted for indecent assault and unlawful carnal knowledge. However, I can't bear the effects he's had on me.
I've only had one other boyfriend after him because it took so long actually getting over him. He was my own age and we got on well. I thought he was different. However, I got upset, as I wasn't getting the attention I wanted and cheated. A week later we had sex, then he avoided me afterwards, and then dumped me. That jolted me back also.
However, sex with that boy, afterwards I was left speechless.. and it wasn't because it was good. I felt memories come flooding back and I was about to start crying. I was shaking like a leaf for hours afterwards.. he was wondering what was wrong but I didn't know what. We never had sex again afterwards because he dumped me before we had the chance again.
Obviously because I've been sexually active and I missed it, I had to result to masterbating. It's OK for a couple of minutes, then I get an overwhelming feeling of sadness, get memories rushing back and go into floods of tears. Often to the point that I cry myself to sleep.
It makes me scared to even try again if I'm sexually frustrated.. and I feel as though when I'm older it will never go away.
What's the matter with me!? :-(
I've only had one other boyfriend after him because it took so long actually getting over him. He was my own age and we got on well. I thought he was different. However, I got upset, as I wasn't getting the attention I wanted and cheated. A week later we had sex, then he avoided me afterwards, and then dumped me. That jolted me back also.
However, sex with that boy, afterwards I was left speechless.. and it wasn't because it was good. I felt memories come flooding back and I was about to start crying. I was shaking like a leaf for hours afterwards.. he was wondering what was wrong but I didn't know what. We never had sex again afterwards because he dumped me before we had the chance again.
Obviously because I've been sexually active and I missed it, I had to result to masterbating. It's OK for a couple of minutes, then I get an overwhelming feeling of sadness, get memories rushing back and go into floods of tears. Often to the point that I cry myself to sleep.
It makes me scared to even try again if I'm sexually frustrated.. and I feel as though when I'm older it will never go away.
What's the matter with me!? :-(
I think you have associated sexual pleasure from masturbation with the violence that was forced upon you when you were 14 years old. Emotional trauma can take a long time to heal, and it can ruin a good relationship. Aside from psychotherapy, I would suggest that you engage in some form of physical exercise every day. This will help channel your emotional energy in more positive ways.
Dear Kcchiefette: You have suffered not only a physical truama but emoitional, physcological, spirtiual truama. You need to talk to a rape centre. The act of "sex" in itself doesn't need emotion. The act of "making love" does. You missing "sex" isn't the same as missing "making love" you have NEVER been made love too. But you are getting the 2 mixed up. Your rape was an attack on your sexual being, even though the act of rape is a violent act and not usually considered sexual. It becomes "sexual" for the victim, right? You know equate sex to those terrible times. Even though you miss the act of sex, you need to talk to counsellors and therapists that will help you heal the biggest sex organ - your brain. That is what is holding you back, and making you feel so upset. Also now this, sometimes the act of sex either by masturbation or by the act itself, WILL enable you to release really deep down trauma. Many women mention how after sex they cry. It is similar to reflexology and a deep massage, it release all our pent up emotions. So go ahead and CRY your eyes out! You need it and deserve it. And get well in yourself, and don't put so much pressure on the sex act itself. just relax and let "nature take it's course" so to sepak. I wish you nothing but health and recovery.