It's going to be a huge story.
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All started 1 year and 2 months ago, I don't remember what happened, probably masturbating to porn(or gay porn, don't know). After I was done, I went to my bed, this thought came to my head "Am I gay?".
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First of all, I know that it's not bad or wrong to be gay. And secondly I am in a relationship with a girl for 1.5 year.
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So, since those seconds my life ruined. While I was at the bed I start thinking and thinking. I visit my girlfriend, she noticed that something is going on, I was very sad. I went back home and start crying until I fall asleep. The next night, I would have sex with my girlfriend. So I wasn't in a mood, I was crying the whole day, and she tried to give me a blowjob, but my penis couldn't errect. My thoughts and my sadness was very strong. She said what is going on? So, I couldn't handle it anymore I start crying and told her everything that happened. So here's the story(what I said to my girlfriend):
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I don't know where to start. When I was young, one day, at the age of 6, I found my dad's porn magazine and I had an erection. I still remember what I saw. Many men and women naked and painted with colors, red, yellow, green and blue. My mom caught me starring at it and she beat me.
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When I was at primary school, the girls of the biggest grades, used to tease me, because I was cute. They used to carry me on their backs and hug me. I had erections all the times.
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When I was learning English at a private school, I remember going under the table and stare at the girls genitals. ( turned on me :D )
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Another day, I remember I had a teddy bear and I start scratching my ass for some seconds and then I smelled it. I don't know why. I think it gave me an erection, I wish it wouldn't :( . That happened around 8-10 years old.
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At the age of 11-12 I gave my first kiss(kiss of 1 second) to a girl.
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Another day, I was in a camp. I played with a guy the husband and the wife. Thank God nothing happened.
That happened around 12-14 years old.
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(I regret all these moments)
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At the age of 14 - 15 I start masturbating. I was always masturbating to straight porn, if I remember well.
I had a huge foot fetish. I loved feet, I still do. Just by seeing feet I wanted to masturbate so bad.
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So, let's sum up. Even if sometimes I was doing some gayish thing I always loved girls. I had errections just by touching them.
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So, at the age of 14-15 I put my finger in my anus for the first time. It felt good. I never thought that I was gay or something. Until the age of 17 I used to put things in my ass, I was trying to put big things. I was only doing it because it felt good. I used to press my prostate, that helped me cum faster.
I sucked my penis many times and cummed in my mouth and swallowed. Not because I liked it or something. I was doing it with no reason. Sucking my penis helped me cum easier and faster, the only thing I wanted was to cum fast, not suck my penis. I was swallowing my cum for no reason. Plus the taste was terrible.
(I feel so sad right now. I regret all those moments. I hope I was dead right now. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of my self)
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So, until the age of 17 I never thought of being gay or something. I had around 7-8 girlfriends. I used to masturbate to straight porn(I liked seeing a guy cum the girl), lesbian porn(80% of the times) and feet porn.
After I got bored of straight and lesbian, I started to watch incest porn(sister and brother or mother and son). After I got bored of this, I watched some porn with shemales, then some porn with animals(horses or dogs).
BUT, even if I changed the subject of the porn, I was always watching some lesbian porn. 65% lesbian porn, 35% other subject of porn.
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At the age of 18 I was trying to avoid all these things, I didn't feel good by doing it. I didn't thought that I might be gay, I just stopped doing it. There were thought in my head that said that this is bad, don't do it.
I stopped touching my ass and watch weird porn. I sticked to lesbian and feet porn.
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After I finished school and got into college and I met my girlfriend. I love her more than anything in my life. I could die for her, literally. Anyway, for the first 5 months we were having good time, each one was in love with each other until this thought came to my mind. I stopped going out because I was staring at men to check if I like them or not. We were going out for a coffee or for a drink and I was staring men and women to check who I like most. This thing still happens, I stare every single person in the room to check if I like him or not. That thing kills me, literally.
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Anyway, even if I was wondering if I was gay, I was still masturbating to lesbian porn, feet porn.
1% of the times I was masturbating with gay porn. I masturbate with gay porn like 5-6 times in my whole life. I was thinking of sucking a penis or having sex with a man like 10-15 times in my whole life. Gay porn and thought makes me cum faster and give me shivers in my body.
(Now that I am typing it, my penis is about to erect. I don't want it and I don't like it.)
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So, now in the present, when I see a hot girl outside I am going crazy. I am staring at her for 1-2 minutes. But when I see a cool guy, with style, nice clothes, muscles and stuff I stare him for a while, but then I remember that my mind is playing tricks on me and I stop looking at them.
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I used to pinch(hurt) my self when I was thinking if I was gay or something, but that didn't help at all.
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My girlfriend knows all of the above and she stood to me and she still does.
So now in the present, I have an awesome girlfriend that I love her more than anything, I have these thoughts in my head that makes me wondering if I am gay or not and I have a very beautiful and healthy sexual life with my girlfriend.
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I don't think that I want to have sex with a guy. When someone(male) is touching me I pull my foot, hand, body away of him. I don't want to touch him, I don't know why, probably because of my problem.
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I talked to my mother about the above and she said that is a phase that I am going through. But all these gayish things I did back in the past makes me feel so guilty, makes me feel so sad and melancholic and the thoughts of i-might-be-gay are coming back. Also, sometimes I check if what I said, or how I moved looked gayish.
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And these are my thoughts..
I don't know what to think and what to believe, the human brain is a mystery. Everything is confusing me.
I don't want to be gay. I feel that it's not right, that it's a wrong path that I am going to choose, a mistake. I doesn't feel good inside me when I think my self as a gay man. It doesn't "stand still" in my mind. It's like, something is wrong, something is going wrong. Like my my mind is thinking wrong.
I DONT THINK THAT I AM GAY, but these thoughts are like they're trying to turn me gay. And the gay porn and thought are turning me on, why is that? But, the lesbian and straight porn are turning me on. And my girlfriend is turning me on. What the f**k brain? Decide.
End of my thoughts.
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I don't think that I am gay or bi, I personally think that it's a phase that's makes me feel sad all day. As you see I almost answered on my own to all of my questions, but I am still wondering if I am gay or not. I thought of going to a psychiatrist, but I am kinda shy. The anonymity helps me type all that.
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So, what's your opinion?
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Steve, 19
Man!, I am continuing to read your LONG story. I'll get back to you in a few minutes.
I'm sorry if my advise seems kinda cheesy. But, like you said you have a wonderful GF and love her to peices. Thats got to count for not being gay. Even if she tried to give you a blowjob and it didn't erect, that doesn't mean your gay. You had a lot of thoughts in your head at the time. As for the things you've done in the past, (EX: Anal pressure) they all seem pretty normal. If you only watched gay porn 1 % of the time, that's okay. You probably just did that because you were curious. Hopefully this is good advice. If you have any more questions, ask your loving GF or, if you feel comfertable your mom. Otherwise wait for some more replies from Steady Health.
Thank you for your reply mate. God bless you. :)
Hey , ive been in your shoes and im going to be a 100% honest with you , your not gay unless you consider yourself gay and you've never had any gay encounter right , w/ another male right ? okay so therefore your not gay but if you wanna explore that , sexual urge its completely normal many people do that all over the world your mind isnt turning you gay its just the fact that you fantasize about it that gives you that urge , but you cant exactly knock it until you try it , and hey if you do try it you probably wont like its more so the fact that you havent done it that turns you on , in my idea view point nothings wrong w/ you at all ; you dont need help ; you dont need any doctor i suggest only if you want too , to read books you love your gf and she understands thats pretty much what college is for to explore your sexuality to find out where you really stand in your sexual orientation ; its completely normal for men to like anal pleasure , ive been in your shoes remember and kinda still is but i consider myself bisexual because im attracted to both sexes sexual and intimately its amazing . but thats only if your not closed minded to the idea , you have to explore your sexual to know if you like it and if you are gay , bi , or completely straight . example you have to it , or smell food in order to know if you like it or dont . hope this helped you ' write back if you need or want more help from me ..
("I am going to be praying for your peace and freedom. I don't want you to feel are alone. This is becoming a pandemic. Let us know how you two are doing. You have a friend."
I didn't know that there are such good people on Earth)
I took a look to your books and if I understood well, they're talking about sex addiction and porn addiction.
Well, I am not addicted to porn. I might masturbate 1 or 2 times a day, but it's normal for a guy in my age.
Also, I don't have sex with my girlfriend so many times. I mean, I am not going to crazy about sex. I don't actually see sex like something so important. There are so many other things I can do with my girlfriend, sex can wait for the right time(I mean we are not like, "ok let's go to have sex now").
Also, I forgot to mention that there are times that I might read something on Internet that proves that I am not gay, or see a gay scene and don't care and that makes me happy and I'm like "f**k yeah, I am not gay. hehe", but after 1-2 days I am like "why i think i am gay? am i?". I am a moody person, but I don't think that it affects my thoughts.
Damn it, it's hard. But my girlfriend says to keep fighting it. The sad thing is that she moved in Germany some months ago and we see each other every 3-4 months and it's hard to fight it on my own. She is trying to support me through Skype tho, thank God.
I'm sorry bro. You're gay. "Bisexual" or "bicurious" might be a more accurate descriptor of your benign condition though.
If you think that there's nothing wrong or right with that then it shouldn't be bothering you at all.
I admit that I'm pretty much bicurious and would've been in the same situation but I actually wouldn't give a damn if I were. I wouldn't lie or hesitate very much if someone were to ask me directly.
At the moment you're in a happy, monogamous relationship so there should be no issues unless you find that you can't control yourself sexually.
Many of these people are acting harshly. What you're doing is perfectly normal, if you ask me. The brain eventually gets used to porn, and has to try new types(which is why eventually the same video won't get you erect after a while). Your brain was exploring, and decided to try gay porn. Considering you have a girlfriend, the worst you could be is bisexual, if you don't want to be gay.
i feel sorry 4 u. you are nt gay. just like ur mum said u r going through a phase. try to visit a therapist and quit all those porn u are watching so that u will be able to think straight. u should also learn to pray cos God is the only one left that can really help u.
that is horrible pray and ask god to help u with this problem and he will save u
A Pandemic? Really? Get a grip. If you think being gay or bi-sexual is wrong because of your religious beliefs, that is fine, but you should not imprint your beliefs onto another person.
You say you have seen all kinds of porn. If it bothers you, STAY OFF THE INTERNET!! DUH. Previous generations never had all this available to them. Watching gay porn and getting hard, is no different than watching a person have sex with an animal and making you hard. You react because what you are watching is sexual. You are not saying you want to go buy a pony. There is a problem with the OCD. It is what the Dr. says , gives you a pill, and then you should be better. So every thing that some one thinks about more than once is now a disorder. Stop eating food with preservatives, genetically altered or was fed with growth hormones. It is a fact that both sexes are reaching puberty at a much earlier age. The science that increases the growth in animals, and makes plants produce more food, has never been tested for long term effects on the Humans that eat it. If you watch to much porn, you don't need to pray, you need to turn of the fracking computer. walk away, go outside, exercise, but do not stayed glued to your computer looking for porn every waking minute. The fact that you can perform oral sex on yourself is a pretty big deal. There are very few people who can do that, and men have said for decades, if they could do that they would never leave the house. Socialize with people do activities with your friends or do sports. Then you won't be thinking about all these issues constantly! You have a girlfriend, have sex with her....... then you go home and look at porn? Teens have a very high sex drive and curiosity, but if you don't have it in front of you, you wont think about it all the time. You sound like any guy that thinks or tries what he doesn't know about, you have gotten older, so you need to stop and go with the good thing you have. You should see a Dr. or therapist and they may try you on some anti-depressants. It sounds like all this stress you have but yourself under may be causing clinical depression. It may be that you will only need them for a short time to get yourself focused. Anytime anyone thinks they would be better off not being here, it is time to ask for help.
I am currently 17 and a recovering porn addict. Bro... You have a girl who loves you tons and you love her tons, please cut any porn watching for her sake and for your own. In my opinion having sexual thoughts of any person other than your current partner is cheating. Keep in mind that you are only gay if you decide to be. These thoughts do not define your sexuality.