I feel like a hopeless case and I could really use some advice.
I am 24 years old. I have had bulimia since I was 13 years old. That same time my generalized anxiety disorder began. In 2009, while I was in college, I developed depression. My drinking became really out of hand. I was partying too much, blacking out, having unsafe sex, almost got raped, made a fool out of myself, hurt others feelings, cracked open my face twice, broke a tooth, got a DUI, spent a weekend in jail.. I could go on and on, but basically it took a DUI and going to jail for me to join AA and go to an out-patient recovery program. Things were fine, until a few months ago. I started drinking again. I continue to binge and purge. I am on the drug gabapentin and others to help ease anxiety.
For example; Last night I drank a huge bottle of wine by myself and binged. So I enduced vomiting because I felt fat and out of control. Drank some water and passed out. Got up to get ready for work at 5 am.
I am basically in this alone. My parents choose to ignore my asking for help. I have pushed all of my friends away because I get anxious and stressed out around others. The only person I want to be around is my boyfriend. I have always been quiet, but now I just do not want to go out or be with friends. Possibly because I feel so bad inside.
I know that I will probably die from this. I have too many battles and I am so tired of fighting all of them. I told my boyfriend my issues, I will never tell him about the bulimia. That is something I am so embarrassed and ashamed of. I want to be truthful with him, but I am so embarrassed that it hurts and I just can't bring myself to do it. I have been running away like this and hiding everything for 12 years.
I have told some people about it (mom, dad, siblings included) and noone takes me seriously or they just don't seem concerned. I feel like noone cares, which is why I hide it and isolate myself from everyone. I pretty much only trust my boyfriend. And I can't even tell him all the dirty pieces of my past and present. I HATE MYSELF for it. He also may be deployed this year for the army. I worry every day, if or when its going to happen. I can't stand the thought of not knowing and not knowing if he will come home safe. I don't want to be without him by my side, the thought is terrifying.
I am worried that my drinking will become crazy, out of control again. That I will accidentially end my life becasue I can't seem to control all these terrible things I do to myself.
I have been going to therapy for my anxiety disorder and for only a few months I saw a specialist for my bulimia. I am seeing a psychologist for medications now. It is very difficult for me to regain the drive I once had to cure myself because, like I said before, I feel like I am fighting this all alone.
Please help! Any advice or stories you have I would love to hear!