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Hi. I am going to get an abortion. I really need some advice as to which way would be less painful and easier to deal with. Both scare me quite frankly, but I need to do it. Please share some insight and give me some advice as to which to do. I am 7 weeks. Thank you.

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Firstly, there is absolutely no reason to be scared of the procedure itself. Abortion is a deeply emotional and emotive issue, and I have just had the disgusting and horrifying experience of reading google #1 website on the matter, by the society for the protection of the unborn child: it is without doubt the most outrageous, inflammatory, ill formed and unpleasant website I have ever had the misfortune to visit. If you have picked up any of the pro-life debate in the US, then you may well be scared, if this is the kind of material promulgated.

By contrast, I'd encourage you to look at Marie Stopes website, a UK series of clinics, whose material is courteous, responsible, and highly informative.

Simply put, provided certain conditions are met with respect to your general health (see website) you have the option of a medical abortion up to 9 weeks. Bear in mind that women miscarry all the time, and while it is an emotional blow (or relief, depending), it is by no means any more debilitating that a painful period, to judge a brief review of the documentation. I have also had a partner who chose not to keep a child by a previous partner, and while she may have had emotional concerns, the visit was physically essentially no more onerous to her than a visit to the dentist. Emotionally, some support and impact is inevitable, but the angst you are putting yourself through already is far more debilitating that the experience itself.

As I presume you are in US / Canada, I suggest you read the Marie Stopes material first, then find an equivalently responsible and caring clinic in the states, with a proven and trusted reputation.

I am horrified and disgusted at the fear and malice that I have experienced in seeing that first website, and hope that you will understand that your well-being as an adult - contrary to their nonsense - is paramount, over the choice to continue with or abort a few cells that are in no way 'an unborn child'.

If two cells, as they would have it, constitute an unborn child, then why not one? It is a potential child just as much as two, two as four, four as eight...

If you act promptly, you can elect for a medical abortion, with the associated side effects. I have to say, that you may wish to take into consideration (in your consulation which you will have) that the essentially mild suction of a physical abortion seems in some way preferable, but ultimately that is your call.

I do wish you well.
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I am just terrified of it all, and how I got in this situation I wll never understand as I was on the Pill and had sexual contact 2 or 3 times total. I never missed a pill, nor was I on antibiotics. I am emotionally exhausted and need this to be over with so that I can take the lesson and begin to move on.

I am so appreciative of your caring response. I truly thank you for your insight. The thought of the surgical procedure really freaks me out- it sounds very invasive and uncomfortable. However, it's supposedly really quick, whereas the medical option lasts over a long period of time but could be less intrusive. I'm really confused and feeling especially alone and depressed and I haven't even had the abortion yet.

I'm 23. I understand what the difference between unprotected and protected sex are and I understand the related consequences, thus I attempted to prevent it. However, here I am.

Which procedure did your partner go through with? Thanks again.
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I really feel for you. It has got to be without the slightest doubt the most emotive, significant issue in any woman's life, and whatever may be said in anger, frustration, or sincere belief, there is no question that for women, this defines their life, whereas for men it is a proud part of life, and their creation occurs in a different, co-operative, and supportive sphere: making the world go round.

Without children, there's no point in a world going round; without a world, there's no children: in principle, it's harmony, in practice - well...

What really disgusts me about the spuc site is that it is almost certainly driven by women, the same (or not) women who have fought for 100 years for women to have freedom, choice, opportunity, responsibility, but to so destroy and demean the ideal by their actions I find violently disgusting, and I am hard to shock - to me, most is absurdity, but that is malice in its purest form.

You, however are safe, and protected, in a way that I would love to share, but can't, or won't in a 'real world' health site. Suffice it to say that ethically, morally, and spiritually, this is a matter for you alone; and physically, I cannot reassure you enough that the procedures (and yes, I believe my partner then had the surgical option, as it was 'complete' on her taking the day out to go to the clinic, and she certainly had no symptoms as such on returning home) is - if medical - one you can bear with the same discomfort you probably already experience in periods, perhaps exagerated; and if surgical, frankly - physically at least - non existent, though of course your body will re-adjust to non-pregnant state.

All of this will be explained, you cannot just 'have' an abortion (at least in the UK, probably also in US), your emotional well-being is paramount, and you will have the options explained to you, including firstly options to keep the child, etc, just to ensure you have a full understanding of the matter, and can make an informed choice.

Women have been managing life for millennia, hundreds and thousands of years, and you have the advantages of a society that despite all the malice is determined that your well-being comes first.

I have gone under general anaesthetic for tonsils, ear operation, nose-job (I broke my nose, and wanted to be a fighter pilot); I've come off motorcycles at 120mph, jumped out of airplanes, crashed into tyrewalls at 100mph, and I'm still here. You're going to have the best medical treatment in the most sophisticated nation on the planet (go on, I'll give you that one tonight).

If you can tolerate the 'intrusion' of a gynocologist (a procedure and relationship that as a male I find morbidly - Dr T and his Women, with Richard Gere), then a brief medical procedure under anaesthetic should be a breeze.

If you had a pain in your abdomen, were diagnosed with apendicitis, and they said they were going to remove it under surgery (cutting you open, not simply relaxing and removing the cells via your cervix), would you really hesitate?

If you need emotional support, at a difficult time, that is entirely reasonable, so consider who you can ask, who can be there for you.

If no one, I will be, if only as text, appearing mysteriously on a screen, but your society cares: it has put incredible effort and resources into protecting you, protecting your rights, giving you this choice (be so kind as to remind your fellow women of just how far men have gone to finance and provide this - might be nice to get a thank you card, even though right now, that might not be quite your feelings towards men!)

There are two, huge, mysterious forces protecting you, supporting you, giving you this freedom: one is society: acknowledge that; the other is your soul, or the universe, a force you may not be able to acknowledge, but it is there, tangible, in your heart, and it is more real than you can imagine, but that is a discussion for another time.

Above all, above everything, you have done everything right, as you say: you are not irresponsible, you are not to blame, but to celebrate, because it is only because you have the strength to suck all the wisdom, knowledge, growth and vitality out of this, that you have attracted this situation in the first place.

Ms Goody Two Shoes - if you'll excuse a little humour - has clearly handled life so far, let's throw a little emergency in, help her grow and develop some more.

Funnily enough, that's exactly how pilots are trained (I'm a pilot, among other things). Watch Apollo 13 - astronauts are not trained to fly the spacecraft - that's mundane - they're trained in the 1001 emergencies that can go wrong; that's the real training.

You're getting life training 101, chapter 11: life choices and responsibility, by a soul that is so you, so wrapped in you and around you, that you don't even know that the you that's experiencing this is the harmony of mind, body and spirit, and while you are scared, your body is ready, your soul is exultant: look at how she's handling this, look at how much she's learning, growing - that's our girl.

Like sky diving and bungee jumping, or more appropriately, flying aerobatics - real flying, not passenger flying - you decided to risk pregnancy, did everything right, like a pilot, did everything right, but still the wing fails, the engine quits, the tail falls off, so he has to bail out. Scared, of course he's scared, but he knows it has to be done: it's the right choice, it's the only choice he can reasonably make.

He can stay with the airplane, but he's already evaluated, already knows in his heart it's going down, not a good idea, so he takes to his chute - there's a jerk, the chute opens, and all of a sudden the shock, the awe, the daze, as he's floating down to earth - safe, already wondering what he's going to tell friends, wondering what really went wrong, wondering what's down below - is that a sheep dip or pasture?

You're in that plane, you know in your heart it's time to bale out, and you're at the door, and scared.

Fair enough. Sometimes we do what we do despite being scared, and do it anyway.

Afterwards we wonder what we were scared of, but that's because we've grown.
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I had written a response but just noticed it was never posted.

I cannot thank you enough for your kind words and encouragement. It really amazes me that you could have such compassion for a stranger like me. I really enjoyed your pilot analogy.

I am miserable, and I can't get through any day without being consumed by this. I miss the days where being late to work was the biggest thing to worry about. Funny how I realize how dumb that was now. I want it all to be over as fast as possible Im just scared to make the next step. I began thinking that the medical way would be the easiest way to go about this, but from reading peoples experiences online, it sounds painful, long, and dramatic. So then, I realized I should just do the surgical way, and be put out, and have it over quickly. However, unfortunately I will have to go with the medical option, I think, because the surgical one will not be in my budget. The anesthesia, and surgery will be more expensive I believe, and I cannot afford that. I cannot ask my parents for money because I have not told them, I honestly want to, I want their love and support, but I cannot bear to place this on them right now. They would be too upset to go through this. Perhaps I can tell them down the road, after recovery.

Saying all this still before I have made the call, I guess I could feel differently after talking to a DR. I don't know what I am waiting for. I am just scared to make it all real. I have never been so utterly alone and lost.

I am not invincible.
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No, but you are heart warming.

You don't have to be Joan of Arc about this, and burn at the stake.

And hint: about your parents, they're fully entitled to be angry but NOT because you did anything 'wrong' - but because they've watched over and protected you as best they can for all your life, and that's like a dam of love invested in you in the hope that your life will turn out ok, preferably better than theirs (how many adults do you see walking around like finally it's christmas).

Part of the whole angry parent thing is to scare you until behaving - and it works, I didn't get a motorbike until I was 30. Since then, I've owned the fastest (road) bikes on the planet, travelled at 180mph, come off at 120mph, and narrowly escaped some serious sh*t, but I'm still here. When I finally got bored, I called my brother and said "I guess our parents will be happy", and he (my Clint Eastwood never say a word brother) said: "They're not the only ones."

See, if you can, yourself - you've had - at 40 or 50, think Madonna, Julia Roberts, someone like that - a baby, she's grown up to be a young woman, you put her through the right schools, or any school you could, did everything for her, and watched her grow a little less obedient every day, till as a teen she was the despair and doom of your life - didn't she realise the risk she was taking, hanging with that crowd, and one day you notice something, as she's leaning up to take a sachet from the kitchen cupboard, and for no reason at all you say: is anything wrong?

And she looks at you like you've freaked, and she says 'nothing', and you say 'honey, you would tell me if anything was wrong', and she says 'sure' with that look that means of course she won't, and you find out later, and hear from the mother of the girl whose boy is friend's with the boy that knocked up your girl that she was pregnant, went to a clinic without even telling you, went through three days of agony, and she ever, even once, thought that she could talk to her uptight, oh so responsible mother, because all she'd get would be a pep talk on how irresponsible she'd been.

How would you feel?

Do you really believe that she cares so little about you that she'd rather be righteous than be there for you?

Really, that's up to you.

Hint: take her somewhere neutral, somewhere special - a park, somewhere where beauty is natural, somewhere to be alone with another human being and share a moment of connection. She'll know the moment you suggest it, that something's up, but if she respects you, she'll go with you. If she demands to know right now, this instant, young lady, then maybe you're right: tell her you were thinking of getting a boob job, but she's obviously so uptight, you'd better not.

Other hint: your mother (or father) aren't the only people in the world who care for you: (I'm tired, so indulge me if I don't re-read to see if you told me your family tree). Uncles, aunts, dare I even suggest the guy that got you pregnant (ok, I'll peek), no he barely rates a mention. Your community and your society went to a lot of trouble to put support structures in place to support you. Hell, I care about you, enough to do what I can to ensure you get the help you deserve.

You're not a stranger, you're a young woman who needs information and support at a difficult time in life, and that is the young woman I'm connecting with, speaking to: so chin up (I'm UK, and as you know, that's what we say - in the movies in the 50's at least!), and start being pro-active: take action: and start talking, to your parents, your relatives, your friends - not as gossip, they don't need to know - but if they're relevant for support, ask.

And the clock is ticking: 7 weeks is pretty damn close to 9 weeks.

Hint: society doesn't allow procedures that are 'unsafe' to be supported and advertised and available publicly: there are always risks, like my flying, or biking, but unpleasant as it may be, it will be over, within a few days. What, you never got flu?

And if you do talk to your parents (you might be surprised, and find your father is more laid back - though I have to say I loved Twilight, and think the dad in that is v. cool - in the books, or is it the film, she makes sure to speak to him about Edward only after he puts down the gun!), you may find in them more love, more connection, more support than you ever imagined was yours to draw upon.

And you are nowhere near as alone and lost as you imagine: not just your 'real' friends and family: it's who you are being: you are still rational, still coping, still talking. You haven't collapsed in a room and hoped it would all go away, you're taking it on, and you're scared, but yes, like the pilot, some things you just have to do: not in the sense of you MUST have an abortion, but you MUST decide whether to have an abortion; and if the answer is yes, in your mind and heart, don't let anyone dissuade you as to what is right in your heart, for you.

And someday, if you really want to know how the world works, message me and ask, or browse a new age bookshop: you have far more support around you than you could possible imagine.

That support is holding you up while you make a decision. Time for you, when you're ready, to make that decision.

And time for you to call on the support, or not, as you see fit - but try it: you might be surprised. We know for sure mom and dad will be.
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Hi, I just wanted to tell you your not alone!!! I had a surgical abortion on september 25. I recieved twilight. by the time i counted to three i was out cold and i didnt wake up until everything was over fully clothed. i didnt have any pain just mild period cramps. I know that the medical abortion can involve more pain with the contractions and you will need time home alone for the full process to complete. There are also larger chances some tissue of the pregnancy can be left in your uteris. if that happens you will then have to go through the surgical procedure. I know this is one of the hardest decisions to make and i hope you find the right choice for yourself.
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