Basically i'll just write out what i've been doing lately.. i dont know what is happening really but i know i feel unhappy and just want an opinion on all of this please..
For the past few years, i've had phases where i felt like i Needed to be skinny, and so i would make myself sick - this was only a fewwww times in those couple years. Other times i was fine.
But within the past few months, i've started to get like this again, but for some reason it has come on quite strong and things i do have turned into a habit.
For example, i use to take diet pills, and i'd often take 4 or 5 even though it says take 1 with a meal.. - just thinking it'd make it go through me faster, i dont know?
During christmas i used to go on midnight runs for about an hour each night.. this made my calf muscles bulky though so i stopped..
I throw up alot.. and i've been to extreme measures to throw up - i mixed bleach with water and other liquids as i know from past exerience in my life that it made me feel physically sick.. (another Long story) ... but i feel so guilty after eating the smallest things. ¬.¬ i feel Stupid feeling so guilty, but i do, and i Need to get rid of it some how.
I dont eat during the day at school, and once i get home there is so much food just lurking around - which tempts me so god damn much and i cave in to the cravings- i even talk out loud to myself to try and stop myself.. which makes me feel crazy. I dont like my family seeing me eat like this, as i tell them i am trying to eat healthy and lose some weight..
Recently from being in a relationship with my boyfriend i've started being on the pill. Therefore i've had to stop puking and taking the diet pills.. - which made me feel scared as puking is a habit for me now, i was worried i'd puke and then the pill wouldnt work etc.. so whenever i felt guilty about eating, i'd cut myself. as some sort of negative reinforcement from eating - the pain of the cuts would stop me.. y'know? :/
I take my pill at 10 every night, and i've read that i Can puke, just not a few hours after taking the pill. So after tea before 10 i can throw up still, which has stopped me cutting myself as much..
I told my boyfriend about the throwing up habit, cause i was worried about the pill and stuuuff, and he seemed taken aback and was coming across kinda depressed the following week :/ ..but now he's seemed to have forgotten about it now.. which i dont know what to think as it Could be classed as an ED or just a bad habit. So it seems like it is nothing to be concerned about right?
He doesnt know about the cutting or recent puking.. (i told him a month or so ago, and i think he thinks i've stopped vomitting).. which may be why he's not mentioned anything about it lately. i dont know..
I just want to get this off my chest, i over think about all of this, why i do it, how i feel, why it makes me feel Better :S
I can't tell my mum, as she'd FREAK OUT.. i can't tell my friends as i feel they'd think i'm attention seeking.. i dont want to tell a proffessional doctor as i dont want proffessional Help as i feel they'd make me?
I just want opinions from people who i do not know and wont ever see..
I also know that some people that read these think the person writing them are pathetic and seeking attention.. i'm not - in all honesty. i dont care if you dont give two hoots about this, just don't post hatred replies, please..
For the past few years, i've had phases where i felt like i Needed to be skinny, and so i would make myself sick - this was only a fewwww times in those couple years. Other times i was fine.
But within the past few months, i've started to get like this again, but for some reason it has come on quite strong and things i do have turned into a habit.
For example, i use to take diet pills, and i'd often take 4 or 5 even though it says take 1 with a meal.. - just thinking it'd make it go through me faster, i dont know?
During christmas i used to go on midnight runs for about an hour each night.. this made my calf muscles bulky though so i stopped..
I throw up alot.. and i've been to extreme measures to throw up - i mixed bleach with water and other liquids as i know from past exerience in my life that it made me feel physically sick.. (another Long story) ... but i feel so guilty after eating the smallest things. ¬.¬ i feel Stupid feeling so guilty, but i do, and i Need to get rid of it some how.
I dont eat during the day at school, and once i get home there is so much food just lurking around - which tempts me so god damn much and i cave in to the cravings- i even talk out loud to myself to try and stop myself.. which makes me feel crazy. I dont like my family seeing me eat like this, as i tell them i am trying to eat healthy and lose some weight..
Recently from being in a relationship with my boyfriend i've started being on the pill. Therefore i've had to stop puking and taking the diet pills.. - which made me feel scared as puking is a habit for me now, i was worried i'd puke and then the pill wouldnt work etc.. so whenever i felt guilty about eating, i'd cut myself. as some sort of negative reinforcement from eating - the pain of the cuts would stop me.. y'know? :/
I take my pill at 10 every night, and i've read that i Can puke, just not a few hours after taking the pill. So after tea before 10 i can throw up still, which has stopped me cutting myself as much..
I told my boyfriend about the throwing up habit, cause i was worried about the pill and stuuuff, and he seemed taken aback and was coming across kinda depressed the following week :/ ..but now he's seemed to have forgotten about it now.. which i dont know what to think as it Could be classed as an ED or just a bad habit. So it seems like it is nothing to be concerned about right?
He doesnt know about the cutting or recent puking.. (i told him a month or so ago, and i think he thinks i've stopped vomitting).. which may be why he's not mentioned anything about it lately. i dont know..
I just want to get this off my chest, i over think about all of this, why i do it, how i feel, why it makes me feel Better :S
I can't tell my mum, as she'd FREAK OUT.. i can't tell my friends as i feel they'd think i'm attention seeking.. i dont want to tell a proffessional doctor as i dont want proffessional Help as i feel they'd make me?
I just want opinions from people who i do not know and wont ever see..
I also know that some people that read these think the person writing them are pathetic and seeking attention.. i'm not - in all honesty. i dont care if you dont give two hoots about this, just don't post hatred replies, please..
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Hi, no hatred.
Yes, you have an eating disorder. You may have a body image disorder as well.
You do need professional help when you're ready. Treatment is available and they will support you in your efforts.
You've taken some steps, identified there is a a problem and you've asked for advice (even over the internet).
Talk to someone.
Yes, you have an eating disorder. You may have a body image disorder as well.
You do need professional help when you're ready. Treatment is available and they will support you in your efforts.
You've taken some steps, identified there is a a problem and you've asked for advice (even over the internet).
Talk to someone.
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I have been through anorexia for about 6 years, and I am 17..... its horrible. People say to just "get over it" but its not that easy. The best thing you can do is talk to someone you are close to. It's really hard. But in the end, if you don't get help, you are just hurting yourself. I am praying for your recovery!
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