I am not the husband I am the other man. I meet my BP i was just out of a divorce and my best friend was dying. We were in the same AA meeting One day she was upset and I said rehetorically if you ever need an ear i am here. I only knew her from the meetings. Before i knew it out came her cell phone and she had my number. What I did not know is I caught someone in a maniac episode. Before I knew it she was reporting her marriage was a joke; there was histories of adultery and she did not respect her husband and they could never communicate. We were friends so i thought but one night and one kiss changed that really fast; suddenly she was the woman I was always looking for charming, smart understanding etc. But she was married and newly sober and I told her we need to not go here. Well within 2 momths she had moved out. Everything in my head said this not the way to do it. But she was so "in love" with me and liked everything about me it as something i had not experienced in along time. If ever I felt like i finally had somebody who was an equal. And she was so convincing I took the risk. But the girl prior to moving out vs the girl that left her husband was suddenly very moody, binging food, maniac...now I am not the picture of mental health I am a recovering alcoholic and have ADD and depression. So this is not a judgement i just had no idea what was going on. Within 3 months she drank one night on a maniac episdode which precipitated in ther sponsor rightly saying no more dating...she moved back in with her husband and tried to assure me she was sleeping on the couch. Whatever that was not the issue. She just wanted me to know she still wanted us to work out she just wanted to get her sh*t together. Understandable...she would ask for space. I would give space then she would be insecure and text me how much she loved me. If i responded to detached i did not give a sh*t....if I responded to needy I was mean; and honestly when I am needy and i am feeling played I do get manipulative and say things like "things have obviously changed and your feelings have changed" and I will do this is a pushy sort of way...she will then break-up and I don't hear from her for awhile. We finally got to the point where i accepted we were never to be and i had a safe distnace from her. Now in August her husband found all the texts and letters (she saves them) and because he violated her privacy she moved out again...but this time she wants nothing to do with me either or she just wants time to process, she is not mad about me; even though I was not even there; until 3 weeks ago i was needy and wanted some clarification if she thought now there was some possiblity for us...she said i was pressuring her (keep in mind up to this point i have never initiated a call; and because that was often accused of not caring; despite her repeated requests for space and time to get her sh*t together) wrong decision...She told me I had changed; that she made the right decison (what decison she is talking about I have no idea: Maybe the idea to start dating someone else) and bunch of other bizarre. Now admittedly I did not need to contact her; and in my mind now i beat myself up telling myself if I had not contacted her I would be talking to her now; but intellectually I know that is not true...so know i dont even hear from her anymore (it has been two weeks and she has never gone more that a week)...so my only conclusion is that she is onto the next one...IS THAT A GOOD ASSUMPTION?? and my therapist warns me that when she is done she will resurface to everything she can to get me back and then run away again. IS THAT TRUE? WHY WOULD SHE NOT JUST BE DONE? I am hoping to use this time to heal and not take calls or text (though I wish i did not want to 9 months of this BS is enough. Though if she called right away it would be more difficult but if i can get a month away from her I will be good. appreciate your thoughts
This is just more info..
July 26th
Her: I just got out of my therapist. Cried for 20 mins. Sucks!!! Call you later
(she just got out of therapist who has confirmed she is bi polar and borderline)
3 00 I am here if u need me...
(No call no text)
9 00pm
Me: How u doing babe?
Her: Thinking of you. How was the (AA) meeting? I didn't go to a meeting today. : ( are you surfing tomorrow? I am mad at myself for being such a sissy out there today (we surfed)
Me: Yeah I thought I was a sissy in malibu bt we have to respect the ocean and know are limits...I will surf in the evening after therapy probably, might have dinner with brad...playing golf with client tomorrow in tustin...not going to a lot of meetings wither but making sure to call other alcoholics, usually peoiple are normally don't reach out too, it makes the experience new and fresh, I stay away from the ones who are to "spiritually enlightened". I try to pray and stay open and realize my state of mind is just thoughts and not necessarily the truth, I am thinking about u. Lovingly, u are not alone remember that you are loved always
Her: Thank you sweetheart. I had a bad food day too. I feel like a took 100 steps backwards this week. I hope your therapy goes better than mine. Therapist said "don't worry. This is what it feels like to be exposed. We are making progress.". What the fuk???
Me: Yeah I went nuts on porn for a bit when my therapy started, its mellowed out still have no idea what the f**k joel means...I hope one day u at least meet Dr. G, she is really amazing, but u need to arrive at a comfort level with my reccomendations so we will just set it aside for now. I am sorry you are hurting and your mind is punishing you, I love you anyways and know the other side of this will appear in time; I hope you can trust me in that, the ego will always act out it has no desire to change it symnolizes its annihilation; it's not true but the ego does not realize that...you like me are always ok...I jusr love you!
Her: You mean so much to me. I know you say this all the time but we are so the same. Like twin souls. You totally get it and I am really grateful for you. (This feels really good to me)
Billy I feel the same...I feel so lucky to even to get to know you...when we are not scared of each other I find it very healing to know you...just got to dan's house...its gorgeous! I will text u when I go to bed honey!
Okay! Have fun!
Monday July 27
Just wanted to let you know I just love the way we talk and how are interests parallel; I can't say I remember having that kind of connection with anybody....thank u
Katie. Ha ha ha. You mean when you get board of my book lists and rush me off the phone in rare form? I don't think I have ever seen you that grateful for a conference call! ; )
Me: Giggle lol I hate my attention span sometimes
Me: Love u babe it feels like we are moving to a new level of respect and acceptance of each other....I cherish you for that...we are both allowing each other to be and to accept our limitations and desires...I think we may really be in the beginning of really trusting each other...
Her: I know honey but it feels bitter sweet in the sense that it may be because we have both let go a little and accepted our relationship for what it is (Letting go? Did I say anything about letting go? )
What it is for now honey! It really can't go anywhere until we finally accept it for what it is...the fantasy of what we want it to be was killing us...it is never going to change if we force it, and we were forcing it...everything changes in its own time, if we are ever going to be together it has to be based on more than just strong chemistry, that takes time to really get to know each other inside out, bad days good days, we are exploring that now as safely as we can...day by day our relationship whatever it is to be or not be will find its own rhythm... (This sounds rational does it not; I think I am saying the right things here)
I agree. On to a new level
I am going to a tennis match at UCLA tonight and need a restaurant near there that won't be too busy or too lame. Any ideas?
July 28 Tuesday
1 : 00 am
Wha? So... Do you want to find oblivion together? I can't sleep. Wishing I could be with you. Katie I just got out of joels. Cried for 20 mins. Sucks!!! Call you later
Katie Thank you sweetheart. I had a bad food day too. I feel like a took 100 steps backwards this week. I hope your therapy goes better than mine. Joel said "don't worry. This is what it feels like to be exposed. We are making progress.". What the fuk???
Billy Yeah I went nuts on porn for a bit when my therapy started, its mellowed out still have no idea what the f**k joel means...I hope one day u at least meet Dr. Garbo, she is really amazing, but u need to arrive at a comfort level with my reccomendations so we will just set it aside for now. I am sorry you are hurting and your mind is punishing you, I love you anyways and know the other side of this will appear in time; I hope you can trust me in that, the ego will always act out it has no desire to change it symnolizes its annihilation; it's not true but the ego does not realize that...you like me are always ok...I jusr love you!
Katie You mean so much to me. I know you say this all the time but we are so the same. Like twin souls. You totally get it and I am really grateful for you.
Me: Why can't u sleep
Her: I dinno. Wrong place? (this breaks my heart)
I love u baby hang in there
July 29th
8 42 am Hey my message? (She left me the sweetest message on my voice mail)
Me Yeahh I love when u leave voice mails...after 30 days they delete and then I have to reforward if I want to save them; like the time u sang u were meant for me; thanks I love u for that; how u feelin...I am groggy
Her You are so cute!
Me; 4 00 pm Hi love I assume u did not want me to call u back at work? (No response)
It changes right here I think
July 29
Me U ok? No response from u lately
Her I am ok. What are you talking about anyway? I called you yesterday and you needed coffee and then you texted me that you didn't need to call back and that was the last I heard from you. Call you later. Just sat down
Me I guess some texts just did not go through...never mind me....weird mood...and my point about the call yesterday was I did not know if it was ok to call u at work...jumping on conf call
Her Are you ok?
Me Yeah just a little stressed probably has to do with moving out
Her Ug. Yeah. Okay - it has been a tough year
Me I love you how did your sales appts go?
Her It went well. Thanks. Can I call you tomorrow?
July 31
Katie: Bad timing. Horrible day. Call you when I can. Husba nd and I are splitting up again. He read all my texts and emails to you and you just called the house. Not your fault but I need some timeWhy can't u sleep
(She leaves her husband she said becuase he violated privacy)
Thus Aug 6th she would call to see if we could meet quickly at a place we both run...i could not make it.
Within 4 days from this point we would be no more. I would sense her pulling away. I called her on it. I manipulativly stated it looks like things have changed for her? Her response was they had not until i had said that...I will incluce in another diary entry the transpiration of those. I was suddenly pressuring her. She asked me to leave her alone. She is overwhelmed. She is not herself. So i complied and have not heard from her in three weeks; and the i miss you and i love you that were so prevalent until Aug 10 are never to be again
But that would be the last time we would ever have a connected conversation. Everything in my gut said she has found a new interest. Whatever I was is gone. That quickly it hurts and my only goal is to move on from this point. Oh by the way I feel like dying
This is just more info..
July 26th
Her: I just got out of my therapist. Cried for 20 mins. Sucks!!! Call you later
(she just got out of therapist who has confirmed she is bi polar and borderline)
3 00 I am here if u need me...
(No call no text)
9 00pm
Me: How u doing babe?
Her: Thinking of you. How was the (AA) meeting? I didn't go to a meeting today. : ( are you surfing tomorrow? I am mad at myself for being such a sissy out there today (we surfed)
Me: Yeah I thought I was a sissy in malibu bt we have to respect the ocean and know are limits...I will surf in the evening after therapy probably, might have dinner with brad...playing golf with client tomorrow in tustin...not going to a lot of meetings wither but making sure to call other alcoholics, usually peoiple are normally don't reach out too, it makes the experience new and fresh, I stay away from the ones who are to "spiritually enlightened". I try to pray and stay open and realize my state of mind is just thoughts and not necessarily the truth, I am thinking about u. Lovingly, u are not alone remember that you are loved always
Her: Thank you sweetheart. I had a bad food day too. I feel like a took 100 steps backwards this week. I hope your therapy goes better than mine. Therapist said "don't worry. This is what it feels like to be exposed. We are making progress.". What the fuk???
Me: Yeah I went nuts on porn for a bit when my therapy started, its mellowed out still have no idea what the f**k joel means...I hope one day u at least meet Dr. G, she is really amazing, but u need to arrive at a comfort level with my reccomendations so we will just set it aside for now. I am sorry you are hurting and your mind is punishing you, I love you anyways and know the other side of this will appear in time; I hope you can trust me in that, the ego will always act out it has no desire to change it symnolizes its annihilation; it's not true but the ego does not realize that...you like me are always ok...I jusr love you!
Her: You mean so much to me. I know you say this all the time but we are so the same. Like twin souls. You totally get it and I am really grateful for you. (This feels really good to me)
Billy I feel the same...I feel so lucky to even to get to know you...when we are not scared of each other I find it very healing to know you...just got to dan's house...its gorgeous! I will text u when I go to bed honey!
Okay! Have fun!
Monday July 27
Just wanted to let you know I just love the way we talk and how are interests parallel; I can't say I remember having that kind of connection with anybody....thank u
Katie. Ha ha ha. You mean when you get board of my book lists and rush me off the phone in rare form? I don't think I have ever seen you that grateful for a conference call! ; )
Me: Giggle lol I hate my attention span sometimes
Me: Love u babe it feels like we are moving to a new level of respect and acceptance of each other....I cherish you for that...we are both allowing each other to be and to accept our limitations and desires...I think we may really be in the beginning of really trusting each other...
Her: I know honey but it feels bitter sweet in the sense that it may be because we have both let go a little and accepted our relationship for what it is (Letting go? Did I say anything about letting go? )
What it is for now honey! It really can't go anywhere until we finally accept it for what it is...the fantasy of what we want it to be was killing us...it is never going to change if we force it, and we were forcing it...everything changes in its own time, if we are ever going to be together it has to be based on more than just strong chemistry, that takes time to really get to know each other inside out, bad days good days, we are exploring that now as safely as we can...day by day our relationship whatever it is to be or not be will find its own rhythm... (This sounds rational does it not; I think I am saying the right things here)
I agree. On to a new level
I am going to a tennis match at UCLA tonight and need a restaurant near there that won't be too busy or too lame. Any ideas?
July 28 Tuesday
1 : 00 am
Wha? So... Do you want to find oblivion together? I can't sleep. Wishing I could be with you. Katie I just got out of joels. Cried for 20 mins. Sucks!!! Call you later
Katie Thank you sweetheart. I had a bad food day too. I feel like a took 100 steps backwards this week. I hope your therapy goes better than mine. Joel said "don't worry. This is what it feels like to be exposed. We are making progress.". What the fuk???
Billy Yeah I went nuts on porn for a bit when my therapy started, its mellowed out still have no idea what the f**k joel means...I hope one day u at least meet Dr. Garbo, she is really amazing, but u need to arrive at a comfort level with my reccomendations so we will just set it aside for now. I am sorry you are hurting and your mind is punishing you, I love you anyways and know the other side of this will appear in time; I hope you can trust me in that, the ego will always act out it has no desire to change it symnolizes its annihilation; it's not true but the ego does not realize that...you like me are always ok...I jusr love you!
Katie You mean so much to me. I know you say this all the time but we are so the same. Like twin souls. You totally get it and I am really grateful for you.
Me: Why can't u sleep
Her: I dinno. Wrong place? (this breaks my heart)
I love u baby hang in there
July 29th
8 42 am Hey my message? (She left me the sweetest message on my voice mail)
Me Yeahh I love when u leave voice mails...after 30 days they delete and then I have to reforward if I want to save them; like the time u sang u were meant for me; thanks I love u for that; how u feelin...I am groggy
Her You are so cute!
Me; 4 00 pm Hi love I assume u did not want me to call u back at work? (No response)
It changes right here I think
July 29
Me U ok? No response from u lately
Her I am ok. What are you talking about anyway? I called you yesterday and you needed coffee and then you texted me that you didn't need to call back and that was the last I heard from you. Call you later. Just sat down
Me I guess some texts just did not go through...never mind me....weird mood...and my point about the call yesterday was I did not know if it was ok to call u at work...jumping on conf call
Her Are you ok?
Me Yeah just a little stressed probably has to do with moving out
Her Ug. Yeah. Okay - it has been a tough year
Me I love you how did your sales appts go?
Her It went well. Thanks. Can I call you tomorrow?
July 31
Katie: Bad timing. Horrible day. Call you when I can. Husba nd and I are splitting up again. He read all my texts and emails to you and you just called the house. Not your fault but I need some timeWhy can't u sleep
(She leaves her husband she said becuase he violated privacy)
Thus Aug 6th she would call to see if we could meet quickly at a place we both run...i could not make it.
Within 4 days from this point we would be no more. I would sense her pulling away. I called her on it. I manipulativly stated it looks like things have changed for her? Her response was they had not until i had said that...I will incluce in another diary entry the transpiration of those. I was suddenly pressuring her. She asked me to leave her alone. She is overwhelmed. She is not herself. So i complied and have not heard from her in three weeks; and the i miss you and i love you that were so prevalent until Aug 10 are never to be again
But that would be the last time we would ever have a connected conversation. Everything in my gut said she has found a new interest. Whatever I was is gone. That quickly it hurts and my only goal is to move on from this point. Oh by the way I feel like dying
Hi there, this is a really intense thread. Is there something tha tyou want to talk about or do you just need to vent? Either way, there's someone here to talk with you. Let me know how you're doing, okay?