My wife and I are both around 50, and have been together for many years. Our sex life has not been good in years, although we are admittedly best friends (almost like family). In the last few years she has become somewhat obsessed with aging, and with having a more active sex life (theoretically with me).
We've been to a counselor and learned lots about ourselves. While my wife blamed the lack of sex on me, the counselor convinced us that such issues are usually not one sided, and helped us to uncover episodes in our past that would indeed turn my 'intimacy' (or sex) switch off. There's no doubt my wife is still very attractive for her age (and naturally), and of course, what man wouldn't want to rekindle the passion he had with his attractive mate of 20 years ago? Ultimately this is a common goal - So I've been genuinely working at this, and learning a lot about myself in the process.
But there's a giant impasse, which has always been there: She refuses to even touch my penis unless it is rock hard and ready to go. To her, if its half hard, it is a turn off. I explained that it wouldn't be an issue if she would touch me and help me to get harder, and that foreplay is not only exciting in itself, but it benefits the male as well as the female. She says flat out that a guy should be so lustful that he is ready to make love right away, and that if I was attracted to her that would happen.
I should mention that she had a 8 month, very sexual affair with a neighbor. She's forgiven herself by saying that it was purely sexual fling (not emotional, no love involved etc.) and that it was just her 'getting what she needed.' (I agreed about the lack of sex and that was the start of our seeing the counselor).
My questions are:
I've always thought she was a genuinely nice person, but am I just somehow blinded (or living in the past) and she is far from being a good person?
Do you agree that it is unfair for her to be repulsed if I am not hard right from the get-go?
My marriage literally rests on this because if we don't rekindle our sex life we are getting divorced. If she's unwilling to budge, should I just accept that the relationship is doomed and accept divorce?
Any input would be appreciated.
Do or did you use to go down on her to get her wet and ready to have intercourse?
Even as a teen, I'd always been into oral, not just to get her wet or ready but because I find it a huge turn on (I find foreplay to sometimes be more exciting than intercourse itself). I brought up in counseling that in the past I often wanted to go down on her but she wasn't always comfortable with it. She did agree, but says that's no longer the case, she's more open now.
Which is why I find her behavior all the more baffling. She agrees that foreplay (not just oral, but touching and kissing) is absolutely necessary to get her "in the mood" but is unwilling to accept that a man could need similar time and attention to get completely aroused.
I'm sure if it was the other way round and you wouldn't touch kiss or perform oral unless she was wet and fully turned on she wouldn't like it.
Have you tried to explane to her how it works both ways that she needs stimulation to get fully aroused just the same as you do?