Update on Quitting

i know bambi im just so worn out all ready! all this has taken a toll on me and my fam. ive lost damn near all my hair! im not sure what tha means stress i guess. i have bald spots though!!!! my mom was like get your thyroid checked! its kinda hard without insurance!!!! serioulsly i lose about 200 plus strands aday! i hope its just stress!! my anxiety and depression are just unbeleivable. i feel 15 again!!! before i got on meds and everything! i was still smoking but also taking meds! i just dont know what to do. i know i need help!! im always scared im going to die, that theres somethign wrong with me. everyone said its just my brain its trying to get use to this, it wants me to smoke, i keep telling myself everythign would be okay if i started smoking again! i hate all of this. im on the verge of blaming my dad just because i dont want to blame myself anymore,im killing myself i cant stand myself. i dont want my kids to hate me for what im putting them through!! cause im never there anymore. i constantly have prob breathing agina i dont know if its my anxiety or what! im stuck. until i can go to a doc nad he tells me im okay im gonna be like this!!! im gonna worry adn stress and all of it!! ive always been a depressed person..runs in the fam ya know! my mom said she use to think the same way, im sad all the time i never smile anymore my sex drive is gone! my appetite all of it. i hurt all over. i know im not gonnna smoke. my husband said do what makes you happy!! smoking made me happy but this and going through all this dont!

the reason it took so long for me to quit smoking was because i would go through this everytime i stopped adn he couldnt deal with it. i know im driving him insane and i dont want him to leave me. but im pushing away from everyone because i dont want to hurt them the way im hurting. i know he wants to help but he cant. the only thing that helps is getting out and away from everyone. and i know i cant do that all the time. i just wish i knew what to do!!! and i dont. im stucck. its like i have two choices smoke or dont. then when i decide to quit again ill go through all of this again. im gonna give it six months if im not better im smoking!!!! just to see what happens. to see if it makes me better, if it does then i know what i have to do...die of emphazma lol!!! no but realy

my dad has to smoke. hes smoked for 20 yrs now. if he dont he does exactly what i do!! GOES CRAZY anxiety overload brain wont stop thinking or worrying it sucks. i use to be close to god and now im losing everything. my faith my fam my friends my willpower all of it. i know im extremely depressed!! i know it. but theres nothing i can do about it right now. but try to get my faith back and no that it will be okay i just have to give it itme

oh and i know today im just puring it all out!! i had a horrble day which is making me want to smoke even more. i got to go to a birthday party for a cousin and got to see the man who molested me my whole life! i know if i had a bowl or a joint to smoke right now it could just make that go away for a bit! im not one to think bout those things in the past and let it get to me. but right now i am and i hate that im letting this get to me. i know its cuase im stressed and everything jsut has to keep coming. im gonna hit rock bottom pretty soon and i dont know whats gonna happen. im scared to even think!! im almost there. just another push or two and i will be. i need to see the light! they always say its darkest before dawn. its never been that way for me but maybe it will soemday

Dearest Vangie! I am sorry I haven't been on here for a while! I agree with you mom that it could be your thyroid! Hyper Thyroid or Low Thyroid, causes SO much problems with our health, I've listed a site below for you to take a look at!

http://www.thyroid.ca/Articles/EngE10F.html

http://www.thyroid.org/patients/patient_brochures/thyroiditis.html

The 1st one is the most important for you to read!

As soon as you and I started talking I KNEW that you had a traumatic past! IT is probably not your time to take this "Slime" on, BUT there WILL be a day for reckoning! That this s**m bucket will have to be held accountable! But you need to get help 1st!

I will NEVER understand the Americanized system of people in desperate need of help not being able to get it!!!! But you do NEED to get some help somewhere, When you leave your thyroid - or whatever else could be going on with your health right now - it will just get worse! IF there is anyway of looking at public health! I'm sorry that I can't help you with this information, IF you are on Medicaid or Welfare etc. Isn't there anything?!!! It just breaks my heart, that our neighbors avoid getting treated because of the greed! Anyway, I will go on and on about that! So I wont! ;-)

When you are a child of an addict the chances of you being an addict are HUGE!! How can YOU deal with everyday problems, when you haven't learned how to deal with it "normally"!? You have a LOT of "Stuff" going on in your life, Past and Present! You need a break and some help for all of this! Are there any counselling or Social Workers that can help you!? With us we can get to see a psychologist with a doctors note! I am NOT saying you are crazy or this is YOUR problem! It is EVERYTHING that is going on with you right now, how the hell are you expected to think and act clearly whith everything happening? You can't see the trees for the forest! I've been there hon, I've been there one day thinking I'm super woman and WHAM the next day I'm shaking uncontrollably and can't catch a breath, and my body is shutting down on me! I GET IT!! And the only way out for me was to ask for help! That's what you need honey, HELP! 1st. Is help with your health! 2nd Help with your addiction 3rd Help bringing the family back inline! I really want you to ask for some help honey! Even if you need time out in a hospital! This is SO much stress, I don't even know if you should go to your cousins party, because once again you have to put on that face! The face of "YOU don't bother me!" "Everything is fine" The mind place that I am in now and you WILL be, the day will come when your cousins party will role around again, and you WILL walk up to that s**m and look him straight in the eye and tell him that you will be pressing charges against him and will turn his world upside down and tear it apart! But that is when you get better and stronger!

IF you can get to some doctor, ask for your thyroid to be tested for Hyper and Hypo thyriodism! And then ask for an anti depressent/anti anxiety! Also bring up your addiction, once you are on the right pills, you wont need the dope! I promise you that hon! You will feel more balanced, as I do now! It took different pills and different dosages, but I got there, and now I don't even want to drink! Don't get me wrong, there are still those days, but compared to what it was like, there is no comparison. Hang in there kiddo! Lots of hugs to you!

I'm sorry to hear that you had to see that person and it sounds really awful. Have you ever thought about going to therapy about that? I think that might help you out a lot. What do you think?

its the day after my bday!! and i didnt smoke!!!! im really proud of myself now!! i cant beleive i didnt! i turned down so many offers! so many soooo sooo many lol. it started out as a good bday then went ot sh*t. so i got drunk. my anxiety sucks today. i feel really anxious but not depressed. but im sure i will in a day or two. i have my good days and my bad! oh but last night was freaking aweome!me and myu hubby are now legally seperated! i actually feel alot better. i hate hurting him but oh well. i feel better and right now thats what i need. i just dont want my kids to hate me!! hes about to go back to work in the oil feild and be here o

WAY TO GO!!!!!!! That is awesome for you, and what an accomplishment!!!!! And since you feel "lighter - for lack of a better word" by seperating from your husband, then this obviously shows that there was something holding you under in that relationship! It IS hard on children, but also so is having two desperately unhappy parents living a somewhat dysfunctional life! So don't put too much on that OK? You will be fine, and stronger without someone tempting you or pushing you in a needless way to smoke!! I am really happy for you, you WILL have your ups and your downs, but as long as you can keep on after them THAT is the battle!!! Good on ya!!

well i didnt neccisarily smoke but they blew it all in my face last night and i got a good buzz man ive missed it. no anxiety attck nothing. just a good ol time. it was great. im not gonna smoke for awhile again though i dont wanna start all over again. but i woke up refreshed nd evreything was good. i dunno i feel bad but i dont.i promise im not gonna start smoking lll the time. i cant especially since im bout to go through divorce and everything. im just glad i didnt freak out. it was just shwag:) none of the dro.nywys sorry if i disspointed anyone everyone relapses.and it felt good

I'm from Northern England and we have this expression that I will use with you right now! "Don't be DAFT!!!!" How could I be dissapointed with you when you are trying to cope with everything going on? I am VERY proud of you, and if you smoke here and there to get through it so be it! As long as you know and are aware IF you start having a problem with it! I have to say one thing though, I REALLY am aggravated that they were blowing it in your face! I don't think that's cool at all! I think it's the same as wetting your lips with alcohol!!! It's because they can't quit, and don't want you to be "better" than them so to speak! So tell them to you know what, if they do that again! It's up to you - as an adult - wether or not you are going to smoke right?

i am going through alot. i know it was a bit fu%%%% up but it really felt nice. this sucks so much. im so damn confused. lost hopeless. im getting on medicaid so i can go to the doctor. im trying to find a damn job to keep me busy. but without a car im stranded. im gonna have to do everything on the divorce he wont file. i have too. so im not gonna smoke agina till after this all settles. weed is not worth losing my kids over. and i need a well payin job. man when it rains it pours i swear. this is getting overwhelming. i surprised i havent had a panic attack yet! im sure i will. but i have my friends trying ot keep my mind off all of htis c**p. im scared really scared. i dont know where to turn or what to do. he dont think he did anything wrong. its like "i apologized what else do you want me to do" i want him to man up and knw what he did was wrong and that he broke me. ive been abusded every way posible. i dont know if i can put myself back together again. i knw i need to for my kids. but part of me wants to just gve up cause its so hard. i need help. im so damn depressed. he keeps saying im doin all this becuase of my depression....hes the one that caused alot of it. once that happend everything from my past came back. all of it. and he dont understand. he brought it all back. he made me feel like that worthless peice of sh*t i always felt like growing up. when i met him it got better. then he broke my damn heart,,, like everyone else. i dont have any trust anymore. anyone i meet its in the back of my head that i know there gonna break my heart or hurt me. in some way anyway possible. i need answers. i would pray but i dont even think god wants to hear from me. i odnt know what i need to do anymore. except smoke and make it all disappear. even if its for a couple hours. at least i get that bit of happiness i want. i know its not gonna stay. but its better than nothing.

You know what honey? I call it "my day in court!" When I have been violated or misused in the past, I want my "day in court" to let the whole world know that this you know what, hurt me! I want him/her to be sentenced for inhumanity, and for it to be recorded for all time that they are pigs!! Apologies - from abusers - are LIES! Abusers - of ALL kinds - will ALWAYS blame someone else for their actions! "She got in my face, so that's why I hit her!" "The kid just wouldn't stop crying" "You weren't there for me, so that's why I cheated on you" "I need a drink to get through this day!" etc. etc. etc. They are not man or woman enough to stand up and be counted, so even though he MIGHT apologize it is a pathetic attempt at the very most, which will make you even more hurt! To truly understand the depths of despair that you have inflicted on someone else, you have to do a hell of a lot of soul searching and self analysis! But when their ego - or even embarrassment - gets in the way, they will stand their ground till the end of time!

You can't change anyone else honey, just yourself! He has hurt you, because you were hurt! Does that make sense? He knew that you were wounded when he met you, so it was either his own essence OR his own way of getting back at you, to hurt you again! It is the same as if a spouse cheats, 1 time ( a drunken quickie ) you can get over, a 2nd time then it is TOTALLY personal, because they know how much the 1st time hurt you! Right?!!!! So him hurting you or saying things that he knew would hurt you, became personal! He intended to decimate you, and he ALMOST did! He didn't expect you to fight back, so now he will put up every road block he can to stop this divorce from going through! If truth be told hon, he is probably proud of you right now, for finally not taking anymore!

I have asked my husband and my guy friends, if they loose respect for their girlfriends or wives that stay, and they all were truthful when they said "Yes"! If we call Wolf SO many times, they just think "She wont do a dam thing!" And they dish it out worse and worse each time! So you are TOTALLY desperate, and stick and take such degrading things, that it is even more reciprocal for them to give you a worse time each time! It's degrading, it is soul destroying, and it is WRONG!

Has he destroyed you totally?! NO!! Because this time you fought back, and you WILL continue - I KNOW this is hard, but he is NOTHING compared to your kids is he? Your kids and yourself are the important ones here, not him, not the dope, not the courts etc. YOU and YOUR children! PERIOD!

There is nothing more dangerous than a female protecting her cubs! And that is what you have to do, you have to protect your cubs, and yourself from continuing damage! So as soon as you get on Medicaid, I want you to get a Counsellor - to figure out how to help YOU!! How to have the coping mechanisms for all of this going on! You need a hand up, so ask for it, ask to be shown the light and the path, that you are SUPPOSED to be on as a woman and as a mother! Your EX will always do what's in HIS best interest, so NOW it's your turn honey! You have to finally be "selfish" and think about yourself 1st! And get healthy for you and then for you kids! OK? I know you are down right now - I KNOW that feeling more than you will ever realize! BUT there is tommorrow and the day after and next week and next month and next year! And It WILL be better! I promise! You just have to get the tools and the help to get there! Lots of hugs to you honey!

it would be nice if you could see both sides but your going to see this as me being desperate and puting up road blocks. i love her and i have never hit her, we fought a few times and because she thinks that she is a woman and i would never stand up to her because she walks all over me. she has cheated and taken advantage of my trusting nature. all ive ever wanted is for her to do things for her self and live a good life. not one where she goes out to bars 3 to 4 times a week and when i come home from working she wants to go out and not spend time with me. this is all so wrong. ive hurt her i know. everyone in both our familys know what ive done to her. Shes the one only worried about herself. I want her to love me like ive loved her. Ive offered to take her to counciling and therapy before she quit. Ive tried to get her to quit a million times. when she finnaly did i was cast asside like i didnt matter to her. she wants to go out. be with a man whos marriage failed proly due to his infedelity and own addictions. I love my boys and love spending time with them, she dosent. they are a burden to her. with gods help she will realize that ive tried to help her, yes she has to help herself but why do i have to suffer this while she does nothing. shes not seeking help. shes partying and hiding from reality.

Hi there! Thankyou for writing in! As I'm sure you are aware I am a woman! BUT that said, I ALWAYS see both sides, There is always 3 sides to a story, His, hers and the truth! Everyone sees things differently! And we - like I stated previously - have our excuses why we do what we do!

You have stated that you hurt your wife, which is admiral of you to say! And with EVERYONE knowing your business it is embarrassing for you! What I wanted to say to both of you is this - obviously there is a LOT of hurt on both sides here! And - like I also stated before - you CAN'T make someone change! The ONLY person you are in charge of is yourself!

Due to your wife being hurt in the past, and perhaps yourself in the past! You both come into this hurt and damaged! And that takes 1 hell of a lot of work and committment from both sides to get over and work through! IF neither of you - or even one of you - have those skills, it is NOT going to work! OR it will carry on being the same, but eventually one day everything will come crashing down around you!

I have stated this throughout my life, IF you truly love someone, you would NEVER intentionally hurt them at all!! There is the fighting of course, but to intentionally and with full on "hatred" hurt them when they are down, means that there is only words of love not the real emotion! In this day and age I truly belive that it is harder for a man to loose his family, because he already feels useless - with the economy, sometimes his spouse making more money, stress etc. It is SO overwhelming for you and others! And that sense of "Loyalty" can cloud your REAL feelings!

And your REAL feelings are ones of "Dissapointment, Lonliness, Loss of what could have been, sense of family, humiliation, embarassment etc. etc." What I really want you to focus on is what is BEST for 1st the children, and 2nd for yourself! Do your boys OR yourself deserve to be in a relationship of TOTAL lack of respect and feelings for each other? The answer ALWAYS has to be "NO!" IF what you say is true about your "wife" then this is her cross to bare! From the sounds of this, it is a cry for help, and when you go from one unhealded relationship to another, there will be NO HAPPINESS!!! So just know you can't change the past! All you can do is live in the present, and then work on changing tommorrow!

I have been married 20 years and I still can't believe it! The reason why I state this, is because he has NEVER "Fixed me" And I say that as a person who was hurt and had HUGE issues, coming into a relationship hoping and praying that they would take over and fix the past and change my future! He CANT He hasn't a clue what to do! And why should he really? How can my husband or yourself 'FIX" wounded souls? It is impossible, ESPECIALLY when you probably don't have the tools - like my husbands doesn't - to deal with a "woman". You can't beat yourself up about this deterioation of your relationship! You have to accept what has gone on, rectify any lies! And decide what is best for the boys!

I come from a VERY violent background, and I used to pray for my parent to divorce! And the WORST thing you can do to a child - other than abuse them of course - is to grow up with unloving, uncaring, uncommited parents! Because even if you fight in the car, or fight using whispers, I GUARANTEE you both that those boys have heard EVERYTHING! And they will grow up as either the EXACT same as both of you, OR totally different and have nothing to do with either of you, because you made them feel SO frightened and small! To this day If I hear screaming or shouting or slamming door, It can bring me to my knees with terror! I am 45 years old!!! And I go back to those DARK moments from my childhood! And I guarantee you both this is what is going to happen with both your children!

As a mother and a father, you HAVE to show them that "This Reality" is NOT what either of you want for them! You want them to be happy, not have hurts and baggage of their own, and to have a loving relationships in the future! As loving parents, do either of you want the pain you both are going through to be passed on to your beloved children?!!! THIS is the ultimate question for both of you!

You BOTH have to become healthy, and do it seperately and without mallice! Do you think I have accomplished this yet? The truth, Kind OF!! I don't engage anymore, if my husbands had a bad day! I don't freak out as much as I used to! It's REALLY HARD WORK! Because I NEVER saw the tools on how to deal with all of this! I expected a Cinderella ending, married to my Prince Charming! And he would take ALL my troubles away! I am pretty sure that my husband thought the same thing - the other way round of course!!! ;-) But that's not real life is it? For the most part it is pressures, stresses upsets, that how in the hell are we supposed to handle?

You can't change her mind honey, I KNOW this is hard for you! BUT you have to do what is healthy and best for yourself and the boys AND be told your wife! This is the only way this will work out for your family in the future! Because no matter what, divorced or not, she will ALWAYS have a connection to your through the boys. And you HAVE to say that "The only way I can handle this is to be happy and healthy and move on!"

All I can say to both of you is, I truly believe you BOTH need counselling - seperately - and find a way of healing! There will always be "he said, she said" The thing is it now has to be "I FEEL, I NEED, and WE WANT!" And the boys should be the last and first thing to think about!

Does this help you in anyway?

it truly does. for the longest time i kept thinking that i could change her. i see the good in her when no one else does. i as you said am so proud of her now. she is more determined and motivated than ever. i enabled her as she enabled me for so long. we both i believe in my heart can make it through this. i know its early and i havent given up hope. im working on me as she is herself. i want her back so bad. this is the hardest thing ive ever had to do. but if this is what it takes for her to fix herself. then i have to accept it. not blow up on her. and make sure we are civil for the boys. we have such a great support group of friends and family to help us through this. of course there are a few bad apples in the bunch but no one is perfect. i do still LOVE her dearly and will always be here for. through this i have been so hateful and mean to her. thats not me. rejection and realization of all this has hurt me dearly. i want to be a better man for myself, my boys, and her if she wants me. for better or worse i am not a quiter. thank you. i know she has proly seen this and gotten infuriated with me. but like i said. its not easy for me to give up. especialy on her. i love her to much. but i know i need to realize as i am begining to that she has to be her own person and want good in her life for herself. she realy is a good person. and alot of what i said originaly was feed by feelings of betrayel, anger, and failure. and im truly sorry.