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I'm a newly married woman, to a man I very much love but feel absolutely hopeless about the potential longevity and health of my marriage.

We started of meeting one another, through all things, Facebook. We lived in different countries and decided to meet. Our courtship was dynamic, sensual. and both of us got to live out our most sexual fantasy's with one another.  Soon enough we got married, I moved to America for good. And slowly, things in my mind started  erode-ding.

We would get into screaming fights, several days every week, which would result in me being punched, kicked, slapped, dragged. I've had fingers crushed and several fractured. I've had black eyes, the whole lot. I've made it clear again and again, that this is domestic abuse, but he always laughed it off and minimized it.
Soon enough after most fights we would  makeup, and then get on with things. 

Early on in the relationship, my husband was very adamant on us having a threesome. He wrote to ex patner and told her, how I wouldn't care if we had a threesome with her. It started to do my head in. He also at the time had a crazy addiction to porn, and couldn't have sex with me unless it was on. You could say these things alone set our relationship off to a bad start for me, I never felt secure just being me, and have always thought I was not pretty enough, busty enough. etc etc

To give an example (The night of our wedding ceremony, he went home to masturbate to porn, rather than make love to me).

Over the months our sex life got bad, we started doing it from a healthy 2-3 times a week, to once a fortnight. I tried in the many numerous ways to bring it up subtly. I have tried makeup, lingerie.. you name it. He doesn't like me to be forward about sex, so I also can't insist on it, without putting him off. I tried being silent, none of it has worked.

He goes through cycles of being violent towards me. We had been good for a month, until the other night.  When he found something, that any normal person would go ape sh*t crazy about.

As you can imagine, trying to bring up issues as a woman, of "honey, im just not getting enough in the bedroom" didn't work. Even just the mentioning of him touching me with no sex, would result into violent fights with the cops being called.

One VERY STUPID night, I was sick of it all. The constant rejection, the constant suggestion that my affection, however remote was a way in which i was trying to get sex, etc etc.. .I went on an ego crawl. I didn't want an affair, I wanted to confide in someone, I also wanted a friend, and most importantly I wanted my ego back. All that has plauged my mind for months is that I am somehow not good enough for him. That I can't turn him on. That i'm living in a loveless marriage, and i'm hopeless to do anything about it. So, anyway I posted an add on a lesbian Craigslist add. When I analyze why I did it at the time, it was a way of me dealing with the internal emotions of jealousy, because early on my partner insisted on a daily basis of female sex parties etc. I felt I had to make ammends with the women that I had so been convinced was the other to my partner. I responded to two woman, they were both extremely nice, we had just basically friendly chatter getting to know one another, but I abruptly stopped talking to either of them when they asked to meet. My ego, had returned to a degree, but there was no way I was actually ever going to cheat on my partner.

Never the less, he managed to find it in the uncleared history, a personal craiglist add, that I had opened in my inbox. I had not remembered opening it, but there was almost a constant stream of various people sending me pictures, etc including men, and I didn't bother to take down the add, i just let it expire.

I was embarrassed, and admittedly he didn't handle it well. I even tried getting around it. Of course he didn't believe that i didn't have an affair, and I tried to explain to him, that a) it was a lesbian add and b) im heterosexual 3) it was for my need to outlet to another and feel attractive. It erupted into a violent, violent fight. he grabbed me by the hair, kicked me in the back, smashed my knees on the kitchen flaw, and through me around. The police were called....

I know what i did was wrong. It was an extremely juvenile way of trying to feel attractive, while being rejected by my husband, and dealing with deep feeling of inadequacy and jealousy about other women. That I had so convinced myself, I would never be as good as.

He said we can start fresh, as long as i don't go anywhere negative, as to bring out his beast. Including talking about sex. Which hasn't solved any of the issues, that I have had. I can't be satisfied in a marriage were we have sex once a fortnight (we don't even have children yet).

I need advice, and opinions. What the f**k should I do? I'm totally confused on how I should handle this situation.


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I am surprised, with the mandated arrest laws, that he hasn't been sent to prison yet. You need to get out of this relationship IMMEDIATELY! Don't pass go, don't collect $200.00. Pack a bag and hide it. This bag should include cash, phone numbers, clothes, personal hygiene items, all of your important documents, and so forth. Call a battered women's shelter and make arrangements to go there. Leave when there is a safe opportunity for you to do so. ie: when he is at work, asleep, or out of town. Don't go somewhere he can find you. As soon as you are safe, go to the police and get a restraining order. If he comes near you, you can call the police and he will be arrested immediately. It is important that NO ONE knows where you are until you know he is locked up. 

He is a sociopath. He is GOING to seriously injure or kill you if you stay with him. Nothing you say or do will stop him from hurting you. He will find a reason to hurt you when the mood strikes him. He has probably already isolated you from family and friends, so it is important that you find a safe place, preferably as far away from him as you can get. 

When you were searching on Craigslist, that was the healthy part of you trying to reach out and find help. You thought if you got caught, he would be ok with it because it was a lesbian ad, therefore it felt like a semi-safe way for you to find help. But just remember, you didn't do anything wrong. You were reaching out for help. 

I want to hear back from you and know that you and know that you have gotten away from him and found a safe place to go. Please don't let this go on any longer. Your husband is a VERY sick man. There is no cure for a sociopath. Even if he says he wants to get help and change, it is just another way he is trying to manipulate you into staying with him. He has no conscience and there is no way to teach someone how to develop a conscience. He is a lost cause and only lives for himself, not for you. 

Take care and please write back soon!

Shari R.
Licensed Master Social Worker
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Thankyou Shari,

I would like to think I could do all those things, but really do I have the balls to actually leave him? I don't know. I appreciate your kind words, they may mean a lot to me. Half the time, I think I must be mad, because I can't seem to understand why everything escalates the way it does with him.

Every relationship, i've ever been in, has been, one in which I felt I was in love with them, giving my all, and the other.... had just, settled for me. Un-appreciatively. I have low self esteem. Very low self esteem. It makes me depressed thinking about it.
If there was anyone to have bad luck, in life! It would be me. My life is full of things just like this. I feel tired, to even think I could make something of it, at this stage.
I just hate every aspect of myself! I can't seem to make anything go right, in my life.

The truth is, I don't have anyone but him. I have no siblings, And my parents and relatives have no contact with me either (they were excommunicated, when I left a christian group, I was raised in).

What am I supposed to do, go back to country, where I have nothing but painful memories? It's all confusing to me.
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You are the only one that can change something in your life! No one will live for you, no one will change anything unless you take control of it.Start living for yourself and don't destroy your body and mind staying with someone who obviously doesn't give a f**k about you!
There are 7 billion people in this world!You really think you will not find someone who will appreciate and love you?
Get your head out of the box and live in a way that will make you happy (unless you are happy now).
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OMG IM SORRY BUT I HAVE TO TESTIFY TO YOU IN HOPES THAT YOU UNDERSTAND MY RAMBLING. when i endured domestic violence i pictured my children without me,i pictured my mother being told i was murdered by my husband. i dont recall how i heard of using mental pictures but it helped me have a different outlook bc the only thing i saw was I CANT MAKE IT ALONE. i have epilepsy from my ex husband beating me.. im glad you dont have any lingering problems from his abuse to you.i know you feel alone and im sorry. honestly ask yourself is being alone is as bad as being beat unrescued and hurt?YOU NEED TO LEAVE OR HE WILL SERIOUSLY HURT YOU.i moved out and my abuser continued to fight on me bc we had joint custody and had to communicate. he slipped me acid in my beer on my birthday, he even shot at me.since i had left my family and isolated myself(and my daughters) to him and his sons i too was alone and scared. I ENDURED HIS VIOLENCE BC I COULDNT TAKE THE KIDS.YOU DONT HAVE KIDS SO YOUCAN LEAVE HIM AND NOT HAVE TO LOOK BACK.hes already sbeating you senseless and slowly killing you.DONT WAIT TO BE KILLED.thnk of all the people in this world.....of those 7 billion people in this world 1 wants to love and cherish you.ONE OF THEM IS YOUR SOULMATE!!BUT YOU GOTTA GET OUT BEFORE YOU GET KILLED. also you mentioned you dont have children and i take it you want children. PICTURE THIS SCENARIO TO GIVE YOU HOPE AND COURAGE: when you leave him you WILL get better mentally,emotinally and physically tho you will have scars for a long time.your self esteem WILL go up up and you WILL feel good about yourself.you WILL hold down a job even for a one bedroom apartment at first. you WILL even buy a used car on CRAIGSLIST. as you feel better about yourself it WILL show bc you WILL stand up straighter, make eye contact, pamper yourself,treat people as ou want to be treated etcetc. it WILL take you a long time to accept a date but you WILL. .......NOW you are in love and happily remarried to your new husband with a daughter on the way!!.. COULDNT YOU SEE THE SCENE OF YOUR NEW LIFE?how is your daughter going to be born if you get killed by your husband?how are you going to meet her father(YOUR SOULMATE) if you dont get away from your abusive husband?....I DID GET BETTER AND RELOCATED 13 HOURS AWAY!.......unfortunately after 10 years of abuse my ex husband died of alcohol poisoning and i was the one who found him and took him to the hospital bc i had to comb my daughters hair for school and had gone over.if you survived all that abuse in his world you can shole survive love,happiness and peace in THIS world. GOOD LUCK
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I know I need to leave. It's hard for anyone to understand why woman like myself stay with man like this. But it is a difficult situation. You can't help but get very attached to someone, and love them regardless of the occasional c**p that may happen between you.

I have since this post had another two fights with my husband. The police have been called twice by my upstairs neighbors . So now there is a record. He pulled out large amounts of hair and dragged me across the carpet, kicked me in the stomach and head. My hips and knees are red raw. When I confronted him about it, for at least an apology, he said he did it to protect himself from me, because I was asking him to leave the house otherwise I would call the police.

He thinks i'm the abusive and bullying one. The most I have ever done is ripped a shirt accidentally when he was throwing me, and grabbed his wrist to get him to leave. He refused to appolagies and said he was being kicked out of his own home. To me this is the worst thing. I can't imagine him allowing someone to do this to his sisters or mother. What kind of person does he think I am. And why does he think I deserve this?!

I've spoken to a few friends about it, and I will be staying at their house in the coming weeks..
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im proud of you for confronting him and staying with friends for a few days. THATS A STEP FORWARD. its a moot question if he would allow his mom and sis to be beaten bc hes allowign himself to beat you.he knows you are not the bully and he also knows YOU DONT KNOW.you dont know the mechanisms of an abuser as in the triggers but you know teh force of an abuser.from the sound of how how much rage&violence he inflicts on you im surprised you still havent sought professional help.as you know ive been there and done that.i stayed around for my children bc i wouldnt leave them behind.i found out that noone would help me get my kids out of the joint custody but they were discussing having me committed bc i never left the town we lived in...DUH!...i couldnt take my children. just give that some thought bc the fear of an abused woman is immobilizing its a kind of death that you can feel inside but you can ttouch it on the outside. YOU WILL SURVIVE!if you need to message me feel free.
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