By now, it's almost impossible you haven't heard about Rachel Dolezal, the former NAACP Spokane president who pretended to be black — Afro and all — for a whole decade before she was outed as Caucasian by her own, white, parents. You may also have seen the film Catch Me If You Can, in which a very young Leonardo DiCaprio played the role of Frank Abagnale, a real-life person who successfully pretended to be an airline pilot, doctor, and prosecutor before he even turned 19.
If you're less fortunate, you may have been touched by someone who pretended to have cancer, "used to date a famous person", or otherwise contructed their whole past and personality out of thin air. These people, who build their whole lives on a card house of lies, are known as pathological liars. Just why do they do it? And how can you spot a pathological liar?
Lies: We All Tell Them
Before we can define pathological lying, we have to define lying. Lying is the act of telling an untruth knowingly and with the intention to deceive. Though lying is almost universally seen as a bad thing, let's be absolutely clear: we all tell lies. Lying is part of the human condition. Even animals — not just primates but also birds, dogs, and even fish — engage in deception, either as a social strategy or to survive, by disguising themselves as other species or pretending to be dead, for instance. Babies can "tell lies" by faking laughter or crying when they are as young as six months of age. Some studies indicate that humans tell, on average, three lies for every 10 minutes of conversation. Let's be honest for a moment: you and I are not exempt, and that ain't a lie.
While almost all of us understand the value of "white lies" that tell the deceived they look beautiful or they cooked a wonderful meal, we humans don't appreciate having our trust breached when somebody lies to us about bigger things.
Pathological Lying Defined
Your everyday garden variety liar tells lies with a purpose — to prevent hurting their loved one, to avoid punishment or other negative consequences, or to access certain benefits. They may lie on their CV to get a better job, tell their parents they got a better grade than they did on that test, or say they stayed late at work to hide the fact that they are cheating on their spouse. These lies may be met with varying degrees of judgment, but they are not what we have in mind when we're talking about pathological liars.
Pathological liars are an entirely different species. Though they know they're lying — otherwise they'd be deluded, not liars — the majority of the lies they tell serve no apparent purpose or are outrageous and grandiose. Most of all, they tell lies habitually, all the time. Lying is their natural state of being.
It's currently unknown exactly how prevalent the phenomenon of the pathological liar is. What is clear, however, is that the habitual lying these people engage in is frequently impulsive rather than planned and doesn't tend to be self-serving. Patholigical liars seem to derive pleasure from the act of lying, and the lies they tell can often be caught out quite easily by those who pay attention — unless the pathological liar pays extreme attention to detail and lives their whole life devoted to deception, which certainly happens. Pathological liars aren't insane; they can exercise sound judgment in other areas, and are completely aware of what they are doing, though probably not why.
READ How To Recognize People With Narcissistic Personality Disorder
The concept of pathological lying is rather controversial in clinical circles. Though you can Google "pathological liar syndrome", no such disorder exists in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Compulsive lying is, however, recognized as part of the symptomatic picture of certain personality disorders. Not all pathological liars would be labeled with any of the following disorders, but they can all result in compulsive lying:
- Narcissistic Personality Disorder: People with NPD may tell grandiose lies that make themselves look impressive, famous, or like they are entitled to special treatment.
- Antisocial Personality Disorder: Sociopaths, who are not capable of feeling empathy or remorse, gravitate towards telling manipulative lies without regard to their victims' feelings.
- Borderline Personality Disorder: The pull-push tendency of people with BPD can lead them to tell lies that shift the blame of any problem away from them, or to make you feel pity.
- Hystrionic Personality Disorder: People who have this disorder may tell lies that place them at the center of everyone's attention.
- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Generally leaning towards honesty, these people may tell lies to avoid ther shame that they associate with their obsessions and compulsions.
Signs Of Pathological Lying
Pathological lying, whatever its cause, is still a little understood subject. Can a pathological liar change? What causes pathological lying? There are some pointers that may lead to a clearer understanding at some point. If you yourself believe you have a problem with habitual lying for no apparent reason, seeking therapy is certainly a good step. In this case, you can expect the diagnostic process to take quite a while — you've already admitted to compulsive lying, and your therapist wants to make sure you are not lying to them. The clearer you can be about the circumstances in which you tend to tell lies, the faster a treatment plan can be developed.
Treatment may focus on an identified underlying cause of lying — such as a personality disorder, low self-esteem, or problems originating in childhood — or the lying may be treated as a stand-alone problem. Pathological lying can be an addiction, and treatment strategies that help people with other addictions that don't lead to physical dependence (like gambling, internet, eating or sex addictions) may benefit pathological liars too.
Spotting A Pathological Liar
What if you suspect someone you care about may be a pathological liar? Unless they are a close relative or someone else you can't avoid, steering clear of that person may be the safest strategy for you. How do you spot a pathological liar, though? It's not as hard as you may think. We're going to focus on spotting pathological lying in a partner or romantic interest, something that's a common scenario.
Avoiding Stability
People who constantly tell lies are quite likely to be caught out at some point. Pathological liars may not be able to hold onto a stable life both because they have to "move on" after being caught lying, and because they need to stay away from their original environment to facilitate lying. (For example, a pathological liar can hardly stay in the same job after their employer finds out that they didn't really have cancer, and Rachel Dolezal had to hide her white parents and even pretend a certain black man was her father to make her claim to being black believable.)
Attention Seeking
People who gravitate towards drama and are bored in its absence, tell tall tales to get attention or impress others or to get attention, and appear to display a constant need to be admired, pitied, or otherwise in the center of attention, are waving giant red flags. People engage in these behaviors for all kinds of reasons and they certainly don't all indicate pathological lying, but if your partner routinely relies on attention-seeking behaviors, something is certainly amiss.
Changes The Subject
What happens if you ask your partner probing questions about their past or something that seems off? Pathological liars don't want to be caught out in their lie, just like anyone else who has told a lie. As a result of this, you can expect them to change the subject when you approach them with uncomfortable questions, become extremely defensive, get angry, or tell yet another lie to cover the previous ones. Remember, pathological liars are going to want to prevent contact between you and people who know the truth (or are familiar with different lies) at all costs.
READ The Key Differences Between Bipolar Disorder And Borderline Personality Disorder
They Lie All The Time
Yes, Captain Obvious speaking. If you frequently notice that something about your partner's story doesn't add up, or you simply know they are lying because you have fact-checked or the lies they tell contradict each other, you know you are dealing with a liar. Keep in mind that people lie for all kinds of reasons that aren't pathological. Pathological liars tell lies routinely, out of habit, in a way that often causes them more harm than benefit. If you spot that happening — and you will, if you are around the person long enough and often enough — you know you have a pathological liar on your hands.
Sources & Links
- Photo courtesy of alexa fades away via Flickr: www.flickr.com/photos/xlivexalivex/7793770020
- Photo courtesy of gagilas via Flickr: www.flickr.com/photos/gagilas/9882772775