October is a special month.
The days are becoming shorter and slowly but surely, the holiday spirit is setting in. As we welcome Columbus Day, Native American Day, Halloween, Dussehra (for Hindus), the Prophet's birthday (for Muslims), and a whole host of other, more local, holidays, many of us instinctively long for family gatherings. For that unmistakable feeling of safety, warm, and belonging, that feeling of celebration. The winter holidays, for many the high point of the year, are just around the corner.
October is a special month. No amount of Googling told me just why it was chosen to mark Domestic Violence Month, which was "launched nationwide in October 1987 as a way to connect and unite individuals and organizations working on domestic violence issues while raising awareness", but my first thought was that Domestic Violence does have a nasty way of rearing its ugly head around the holidays. For victims, a month that would otherwise have brought joy can instead mark the beginning of an especially dangerous and violent period — a period of immense suffering.
For those of us who are ushering in a celebratory period with our families, it's easy to forget that some of our neighbors, friends, and even relatives might be going through a special kind of hell right now. A hidden hell in which they feel forced to hide their pain from others and even go to great lengths to protect their abusers.
What Are the Risk Factors for Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence can be defined as any type pattern of physically, verbally, psychologically, and economically abusive behavioral patterns that take place within a domestic setting — and often behind closed doors. Many people imagine one specific scenario when they hear the term, and see domestic violence only as intimate partner violence. If you conjure up images of men beating their wives when you hear the term "domestic violence", you're not alone.
In reality, the term is far broader. Men can abuse their girlfriends, wives, boyfriends, husbands, children, elderly parents, or grandparents. Women can do the same, and besides blood relatives, step children, or in-laws, live-in domestic workers can also fall victim to domestic violence.
Domestic violence victims are always living with a "ticking time bomb", wondering when their abuse will blow their fuse. Some periods are, however, especially risky. They include:
- Holidays. National holidays like Halloween, New Year's Day, Valentine's Day, Easter, and Christmas have been associated with a higher risk of severe domestic violence incidents. The same holds true for big sports matches.
- Alcohol abuse on the part of the perpetrator also heightens the risk of a severe domestic violence incident, for the simple reason that drinking lowers inhibitions and therefore "liberates" pre-existing violent tendencies in perps.
- Job loss is another predictor for domestic violence, as abusers take their violent tendencies out on victims who won't retaliate in a bid to relieve stress.
- Breaking up with an abusive partner. The many people who ask themselves why domestic violence victims don't "simply leave" get another perspective when they realize that breaking up and attempting to move away is often the most dangerous time. As victims try to gain control of their lives, perpetrators know that they are at risk of losing it. They'll do anything to hold onto the power position they have created for themselves, and that's why similar situations, like ex-partners of violent abusers refusing to allow contact with children, moving further away, or taking out a restraining order will also risk extreme violence.
How Can You Recognize Domestic Violence in Your Community?
Victims of domestic violence may appear to do everything in their power to please their partners or other abusers, cower in fear at the slightest hint that the abuser is not happy, and never have time to socialize with other people when their abuser is not present. Abusers aim for total control, and can be set off by the smallest sig of (perceived) disagreement or disobedience. Domestic violence victims are often characterized as hiding bruises and other injuries with scarves and turtlenecks, but while that can be true, they can just as easily be suffering from economic oppression. Victims may not be "allowed" to hold jobs or develop social circles of their own, and may have to account for every cent that's spent.
As the abuse worsens, victims become increasingly isolated. They may turn down every lunch date or other social opportunity you offer them while trying their best to convey that everything is "just fine". You'll sense that something is off.
Abusers may induce fear even by glancing at their victim. They are likely to be possessive and jealous. Abusers may humiliate their victims in public while doing much worse in private. They may disparage or make jokes about their victims.
What Can You Do to Help?
As a bystander, you can:
- Listen to victims of domestic abuse and believe them when they disclose to you. Don't push them to leave. They are more familiar with the risks than you are.
- Offer to help in anyway you can. Don't make promises you cannot keep, but do keep promises you make.
- If you can't offer practical help yourself, you can still find out who can help. Research available services, including safe web-browsing tools such as Tor coupled with Tails that allow domestic violence victims to reach help safely.
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