The Cause Of Tantrums And How To Stop Them In Their Tracks

Every parent knows the scene. You're in the supermarket with your three-year-old child. You've navigated the vegetable aisles with an eerie calm; you've negotiated the sweet cereals like the Ninja Parent. But now your child has seen the sweets, and they're getting ready to throw the tantrum of the century.

Their sweet, smiling face, the pleading request of "Can I have these?", as they proffer the brightly-coloured additive-delivery devices at you, has been rebuffed. They've had sweets today/they'll spoil their appetite/there's no money for extras.

Pick your poison.

Whatever you say, the response is immediate. The smile becomes a scowl as they clutch the sweets to their chest like a long-lost pet: "I want these."

Put them back, you say.

A sudden scream as anger floods their face. A forceful cry of "No", extended so long that unsuspecting passers-by think you must have threatened some terrible torture. Your baby throws the sweets on the floor and flings themselves facedown on top of them, kicking and screaming like a horribly mistreated child who didn't eat less than an hour ago.

You're embarrassed. Blushing. You feel like the worst parent in the world.

How did it happen? How did your sweet child go from Pollyanna to Carrie in three seconds flat? And how can you deal with such epic tantrums when they arise?

What are tantrums?

A tantrum is a child responding to an explosion of anger or frustration in the only way they can. When a child has a tantrum, they are experiencing strong and frightening emotions that they can't yet express in a more constructive way, so they express those emotions by crying, screaming, and even hitting things and people.

What causes tantrums?

For a long time, it was believed that nurture (parenting) was the cause of tantrums. Many people still believe that is the case (hence the dirty looks you probably receive when your child has a tantrum in the supermarket).

However, that is not the case.

The cause of tantrums is biological and begins in a bit of the old grey-matter called the "prefrontal cortex". The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain that regulates emotion and tells us what social interactions aren't appropriate. In time, the prefrontal cortex will learn that "screaming in a public place is a socially-inappropriate way to express disappointment". However, at three-years-old, that's too much to ask.

The prefrontal cortex doesn't begin developing until four-years-old and isn't fully-developed until the age of twenty-five. That's why children, teens and young adults can seem to respond (to an adult) irrationally to disappointment or anger, and may behave in ways that we find inappropriate.

The underdeveloped prefrontal cortex makes it difficult to regulate emotion, but there are more problems for toddlers. Toddlers experience heightened awareness in situations that feel normal to us.

Heightened awareness is caused by the child exploring an unfamiliar world and raises the fight-or-flight hormone Cortisol. Raising Cortisol raises the blood pressure and makes thinking more addled.

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We know the friendly bear we bought is an inanimate toy. The toddler doesn't know if it's going to come alive in the night and eat them. This fear is very real to the toddler and may cause tantrums at bedtime.

Addled thinking, raised stress levels and an underdeveloped emotional centre makes the child's body a pressure cooker that makes tantrums inevitable.

Stop That Tantrum: Step-by-step

Step One: Remain Calm

Don't lose your temper. Meeting your child's heightened emotion with your own is the worst thing you can do. Remain calm. Even if they empty a packet of flour over the floor, remain calm.

If you feel your temper rising, step out for a moment to get some air.

Step Two: Distract your Toddler

It can be possible to distract your toddler (under four) before their tantrum has a chance to gather steam. If your child is having a tantrum in the supermarket because you won't buy them sweets, ask a question: "Would you like to help me choose something for dinner?"

Step Three: Offer food, check the nappy, check for pain

Children throw tantrums if their blood sugars are low; they throw tantrums if they have a dirty nappy; they throw tantrums if they are in pain or feel sick. If it's been three hours or more since their last meal, offer a carb-based snack. Check their nappy is clean. Ask if they are in pain (or "hurt") anywhere. Handling a tantrum could be as easy as tackling their physical discomfort.

Also remember, any child whose tantrums regularly reach or exceed ten minutes may have something medically wrong with them, so consult your doctor.

Step Four: Find a Quiet Corner

If you have toddlers or young children, describe the scene calmly, using their name: "Lily, you're screaming. You need to be calm so you can talk to Mummy and tell her what's wrong". If/when the screaming continues, pick your toddler up, carry them outside the supermarket or to a quiet corner of the house and kneel by them. Tell your child, "Lily, you need to stay here until you're calm and ready to talk."

Don't touch your child, but promise, "When your calm, we'll have a big hug and talk all about it."

Then turn your back. Don't make any further moves to quiet them. As soon as the child quietens (and they will), turn around and give them the promised big hug and pull them onto your lap to talk.

If you worry that a delay in attention will harm your child, it may comfort you to see the projection of a toddler's tantrum.

• 0 seconds: A flicker of anger
• 30 seconds: Foot-stamping
• 90 seconds: Anger has peaked
• 3.5 minutes: The tantrum is over. The child wants comfort.
• 6 minutes: It's like it never happened.

Who'd have guessed it was only three-and-a-half minutes?

Step Four: Talk it Through

If your child is older, use the same calm voice and acknowledge your child's feelings, without acknowledging their behaviour: "You're very upset right now. If you calm down we can talk about it together."

This can be successful. If it doesn't work, offer a choice. Older children often throw tantrums when they feel they have no choice. If your child can't calm down, say in the same calm way, "You can either calm down or you can go to your room until you're ready to talk". Always follow through.

Step Five: Be firm

Don't buy those sweets just because your child has humiliated you in front of half of the supermarket. If you do, you will only reinforce the behaviour and teach the lesson that tantrum-throwing will help your child get their way. But do be empathetic. Do give a reason. Tell your child, "We're going to eat soon, and if I bought you those sweets you'd spoil your appetite."

Step Six: Show your Love

When the tantrum is over, give your child a hug and tell them you love them. Tantrums are frightening for children. They are overwhelmed by emotions they have no control over. Don't be angry or shake your head in disappointment. Just give your child a hug, go on with your day and say no more about it. It will soon be forgotten.

READ The Gift of a Happy Parent

Step Seven: Prevention is better than a cure

If your child seems particularly prone to tantrums, try the following steps:

• Plan your life: Don't go shopping when your child is hungry or tired, which will make tantrums more likely. Ask your child to help you choose things. If you're waiting in line or riding a bus, take a small inexpensive toy for your child to play with, or plan some games to play.
• Be consistent: Small children thrive with consistent mealtimes, naptimes, bedtimes, and snacktimes. So make a reasonable schedule and stick with it.
• Give choices: "Green beans or peas", "Pink dress or yellow dungarees". Giving a set of limited, appropriate choices will prevent frustrations by allowing your child to feel in control.
• Praise good behaviour: Don't over-egg the omelette (kids can tell when parents gush excessively), but when your child's behaved really nicely in the supermarket, tell them: "It was nice to see you behaving so well today."

Although their biology means that children will always have tantrums, by reacting calmly and consistently, you can reduce the impact the have on your life, and on the life of your child.