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Im 27 years old, recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years, it was a terrible relationship filled with nothing but fighting. I told myself I could never let a guy treat me like that again, I think everything in my house has been broken at least once. I also left my job with plans to get my masters next year. I was in outside sales, for a terrible company working 60 hrs a week. I am already at a breaking point, I had so much stress and just plain dissatisfaction in life I needed to make a change. I was miserable. Then out of no where I meet this person whom I consider to be a great guy. We were just having fun. 2 months later, Im pregnant. And yes I used a condom. I couldnt keep it. It was not the right time and I really didnt know this person at all. After an agonizing week of thinking and debating we decided to have the abortion. Actually I should say I decided. He more or less just didnt want to hear about it anymore. So I took the pill. I never asked him for help, nor did he offer. He said he didnt have the money to help pay either. So I went through the abortion by myself. I did ask him to come to my house for the second pills to support me and he wouldnt come over. He spent the time trying to tell me that he is sorry that physically I had to go through this but mentally we are on the same page. You have got to be kidding me! Im at my breaking point. I have so much guilt and sorrow for what I have done compounded by anger for a person, the only person that should have been supporting me through this and wasnt there for me. Am I being selfish? I cant even explain how hurt I am by this. This was the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life, and I will have to live with it forever. Im not sure I can do that. But now, on top of everything, he cant even return a phonecall to apologize. He texted me that im irrational, and that this was hard on him too. But how can it even effect him when he was never there for any step of it, not even to talk to me. I know I am a mess right now. I just need some clarity.

How can I forgive myself for all of this?


Hi honey! 1st of all a BIG hug to you! And just know that you are NOT alone with remorse after having an abortion! And I will tell you what I have told other women - you HAD to do what you HAD to do! NOBODY can tell you differently and you can't beat yourself up about it NOR him! I want you to see what I'm about to write and really think about it OK?

1. You JUST came out of a REALLY bad relationship - so you needed someone different!
2. This FUN guy comes along - you don't really know him - and WHAM you are pregnant - BIG shock to both! Especially when it was protected meaning that neither of you wanted to have a baby!
3. Going from just a regular girl and regular guy just getting on with life and then WHAM being faced with a baby being raised in a home where you barely knew each others last names, plus ALL the other stuff going on with your lives! HOW can or could either of you deal with this!?
4. Having an abortion at home - instead of at a clinic - where you and only you are responsible for taking the pills - you didn't know what to expect and he isn't that emotionally connected to you nor has a CLUE what to do with someone that is providing their own abortion! I wouldn't even know what to do with someone taking an abortion into their own hands! As neither did you! All you knew is you didn't want to be alone - BUT he was frightened - as were you - so you can't expect a "stranger" to BE THERE - you know what I mean?
5. When someone decides to have an abortion - as did you and he - I am SURE he thought (as I did) that you would have had one in a clinic under medical supervision! So you were in control and decided to do it at home - what did you use by the way? And have you had a check up to see if everything was cleared out?
6. Due to your emotions fromt he abusive relationship, a fun relationship turning REALLY serious, an unplanned pregnnacy, then a "do it yourself" abortion! How can you NOT be overwhelmed with SO many emotions! Including sadness, anger, doubt, resentment etc etc etc. You ahve gone through a LOT!

This isn't about forgiving him - you don't know him - it's about forgiving yourself! Think about what would have happened if you had decided to keep the baby? Would this "stranger" stand by you and help raise the baby for 18 years? Would you hav ehad support from friends and family OR would you have been left alone? Would you be able to take your Masters with a brand new baby? Is your bank overflowing with monies to raise this child by yourself? You did what you HAD to do, it is NOT your fault or HIS! It just HAPPENED! And you can't change it!

You need to take some time to relax and be alone with yourself and get back to who you are, NOT a partner of a JERK! You need to give yourself a break and him and IF this relationship is going to survive, you need to be able to forgive each other and move on!

So I wish BOTH of you HEALTH and RECOVERY! And just FORGIVENESS! Big hugs!


Thank you. Thank you so much...

I just needed to hear someone else say it. Im trying to be strong through this but it is just very hard. Im so angry, and I dont want to be, I know its a process, but I feel like Im just falling apart. I know its going to be ok, but its just so disappointing when people turn out different then you wish they were.

That is life I suppose...


Hi missjane, How did everything turn out? I'm in a very similar situation and trying to wade my way through everything. It hasn't even been a week since the procedure and I'm a disaster.