In september 2010, i walked from my house to the other side of the lake.i smoked five bowls or so of pot, all the suden i like hallucinate this fly above my head..it was scary. No matter which way i turned my head,it was in the same spot. Then i distracted myself somehow,gazing accross the lake,i start to believe im in a painting.. Like a dream world, i gaze at the sky, but unlike other times where being stoned was content, this time i was completely numb. Everything became 2-d looking. Nothin seemed real. And walking home,i was in such a daze,i couldn't do much of any conversating. My dad asked me questions and i felt disconnected from him. It's hard to explain. For a couple weeks afterwards, i knew there was something wrong. School wasn't the same. It felt like I wasn't there. I kind of felt like a zombie. My friend Jenni, who i did it with, sat at the school lunch table yelling "oh my god, i dont know whats going on...!" She too went through depersonalization. She came over to my house, I think in October, and screwed two guys she had just met. Since September, I've had sex with three guys... Every single time I smoke pot now, I don't say a word. I sit there either really quiet, without saying a word [thinking]. I'm not sure why I get anxious and depressed. Now, seven months later, I feel completely normal. Extremely relieving..i was starting to think im going to end up schitzophrenic like my brother. The last time I smoked pot, however, I was still weird acting.. I don't know if the depersonalization is directly from smoking pot, or if in fact it is me.. Like who i am. Or how I'm actually feeling.. it is the feeling of wanting to escape, magnified. The feeling I've always longed for as an abused cild. The feeling I've always longed for.. Or maybe it's struggling with who i am,and trying to stop it, trying to change myself but being unable to. Maybe that's why I was so sexual..
Opinions? Advice?