father addicted to porn. im highly discusted. im only 18 .please help me. dont read if no reply.

i believe your father loves you very much. there are two reasons why i said this: he changes the viewership (whether tv or pc) so you would think different of him and/or get caught up in it yourself. they say prevention is better than cure, and because the stage of possible prevention has passed, its time for cure. sit your father down and have a heart to heart talk with him, with a sensible approach. let him know what you feel, how it is tearing you apart. let it be emotional, because in this way, it could set him thinking. it hope that you are successful in your endeavours.

Talking to him about it will be very awkward, but if you have legitimate concerns about it, you need to talk to your father.

But, I think you need to think first about WHY your father's viewing of pornography disturbs you. I am not sure whether or not you are aware, but the large majority of men look at some form of pornography from time to time. I am not going to make any statements about whether or not they should, but it is a fact of life. So, before you pass judgments on your father's character, just make sure you understand that he is not only your father, but he is also a man and a human being, and he has needs just like any man does.

You need to ask yourself if his viewing of pornography affects his behavior directly towards you as a parent, or towards your mother as her husband. Nobody is perfect, your father's viewing of pornography may be a bad habit, but if he is a good father otherwise and he loves and cares about you, I'd have to say count your blessings and accept him for who he is.

It's difficult to change older people, trying to do so may be unsuccessful, and you may end up causing more pain and heartache than necessary.

I hope that helps.

Dear "Guest" who's father is addicted to porn. First, let me say I am terribly sorry you have experienced this within your family. And I am sorry for such a late post, for you are now an adult.. I only discovered this post after researching the web for information on the affects of porn on children. A lecture I am preparing. I am not sure if you are a female or a male, but regardless, the ramifications of your father's choices are significant as it pertains to the family unit, you and your mother being the victims. Secondly, the response you received from "TheHybrid" is shocking to me. Obviously a user or addicted to porn themselves. I assume that post was of no value to you. Just because "a large majority of men look at porn from time to time" and that it "is a fact of life" does not mean that it is 1) morally ethical and 2) normal. There are many articles on the web on the Impacts pornography viewed by parents have on children, and the devastating results viewing porn has on society including an interview by Dr. James Dobson with convicted serial rapist and murderer Ted Bundy less than 24 hrs before his lethal injection by the state of Florida. Not at all to compare your father to Ted Bundy, PLEASE don't categorize your father as this, but only to counteract the statements made by "TheHybrid". The impact of porn on society is completely devastating, and well recorded and noted. Ted Bundy himself admits the impact this "fatal addiction" had on his life in his interview with Dr. Dobson. I will give you my perspective, as a former wife of a porn addict (caught husband numerous times was always told he would quit and never did... It is a form of infidelity, I contributed to it as well by not seeking help myself or exposing it to our pastor/church or his psychologist and psychiatrist during numerous couples sessions.. I kept his dirty secret, mostly out of fear of what he would do to me if I exposed him) AND a mother of a daughter who discovered her fathers addiction to porn first at the age of 10 when she found porn and sex merchandise magazines with his name on them stashed away in our then home, during our separation. My heart completely broke for her 1) that she was exposed to the pornographic images and items, that I could not protect her from (I did not know they were there) a memory that will be etched on her mind until the day she dies, it is permanent, and 2) for the affect that it would forever have on her relationship with her father already damaged over other mental disability issues he has. Then a year later during his 3rd marriage she discovered him viewing lingerie magazines within other magazine during Christmas while the entire family was over and in the same room (if this was not wrong why would he hide it within a more appropriate magazine?... He knew it was inappropraite, his shame told him to hide it), not to mention several times the computer screen blanking out as she walked by, he would view in the same room as she watched tv, she was 11 and 12 yrs old at the time. Needless to say she is 14 and has absolutely nothing to do with him sinc e she a little over the age of 13, not only as a result of his porn addiction, but it had a significant damaging affect on her. She totally lost respect for him, she became significantly creeped out by him, as she was devloping herslef into a woman. I knew there would be no turning back, he lost her forever as much as I tried to not have that happen. I also know now that porn was a contributing factor in the destruction of 2 of his marriages, and probably will be of his 3rd, it destroys the intimacy between a husband and wife.. I speak from experience. Every wife deserves better in their marriage. The restoration of your family lies 100% on your father, and sadly if he does not know the impact it has had on you and your family, that restoration can not take place. Yes talking to him about it is very awkward, my suggestion is to talk to your mother first. If you are a young woman, this may be easier. If you are a young man, I know as a mother I would still want to know how to help you. If your parents are still together, perhaps she can then speak to her husband, your father about it. I would also highly suggest that you seek a counselor to process your feelings and maybe prepare yourself to discuss with your mother and ultimately with your father. I also hope your mother will also seek counseling, to help aid her on how to process and to put this back in a healthy perspective for herself. I pray your father will accept responsibility and be willing to repair the damage, and seek counseling on his addiction. The steps ultimately required to seek forgiveness and restoration from both you and your mother. And in return for his efforts, for you to forgive him. We all fall, and your father may have all the other contributing factors of a good father and husband such as providing for his family, protection is another duty, but ovioulsy has failed in this area, he is responsible for the moral and emotional protection of his family as well as the physical. I hope this is helpful, again I only wish I had seen your post sooner.

it's really hard to get over it when you're addicted sometimes i really want to stop but i just cant... i real want to stop watching those but i'm ashamed to talk to anybody about it..... i really need help

I am in the exact some boat... I have caught my dad sneaking about on disgusting websites. It angers me as I also consider it as cheating and as a result of this feel anger towards my dad in order to stick up for my mum. I've confronted him before and it's sparked massive family arguments. My mum had spoken to me about it and explained that she knows and it doesn't offend her but I know deep down it does. Whenever he's on the computer and I come in to the room he clicks off very quick but I'm not stupid. I've found all the sites and the downloads. I also know his routine which sickens me and it makes me lose sleep as I get so angry and upset by this behaviour I find so deceatful. I know when he's down stairs and everyone else is in bed that he's doing it. And when I find the curtains in the computer room closed after they were open just before I went upstairs my stomach churns and I feel so bitter towards him. He lies about it and that makes the situation worse. After I had confronted him about it he lied to my face and called me mental which only fuelled my anger. I hate this feeling I have towards the man that not only brought me into this world but has done so much for me and has been so caring all my life. However, whenever I am reminded of his dirty obsession I can't stop the hatred that I feel towards him. I also suffer from panic attacks and bad anxiety and have done for many years now. I know this has had major impact as I can no longer relax within my own home as I'm constantly wondering what disgusting site he's on and why he feels the need to do such a thing when he is happily married! I'm in my 3rd year of a relationship with this amazing guy but I am putting a major strain on it with my strong beliefs against porn and the whole dad situation is making it worse as I am constantly interrogating the poor guy ! I am only 17 and my life and relationship with my father and boyfriend is suffering because of this and I really need some advice because its quite frankly ruining me!!

the same thing has been happening to me continuously from the age of 8, accompanied by other 'mild' forms of sexual abuse. It is incredibly traumatic. i am so sorry you have had to endure this. i think the best thing you can do is speak to a cousellor or therapist about it, they may be able to help you with the negative feelings arising from this- they may also be able to insight a family meeting, or suggest ways to approach this situation. perhaps you can also have a discussion with your mother, she will probably understand how you feel. However, along with these things comes alot of denial- as with any addiction. Find someone you can trust- even another family member- and talk to them about it. you dont deserve to be exposed to that sort of material and he is being extremely selfish and irresponsible by engaing in this activity in front of you. He needs to challenge his behaviours and realise the effect they are having on those around him (you, your mother) online communities are also great, and can provide you with a great deal of support. dont listen to anyone who defends your fathers behaviour. This kind of behaviour is considered sexual abuse- although many do not recognise it. do some research on the topic and you will find it listed.

Let me start by saying that I am a 45yr old female, divorced since age 23.  I am also a recovering alcoholic/addict and I have anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, and I'm bipolar.

I am sickened by what I am reading.  The whole reason I found this is I wanted to see if there was anything on the web that I haven't already discovered, learned, or dealt with as a result of my experiences.

I will first give a history of what I have gone through, then tell how it has affecting my life and/or relationships.

I have a father that for as far back as I can remember-long before the internet and cable tv, has been addicted to porn.  He NEVER tried to hide anything.  He sat at the kitchen table and "read" magazines that ranged from the "high end" magazines,  as in Hugh Hefner down to the utterly raunchy gross graphic pics of women.  His taste seemed to diminish over the years.  Then there were the video/movies that my brother would watch with his friends while my parents were away.  The experience is VERY different for a boy than a girl.  One day I was in the garage when I was around 8-11 years old and I discovered boxes and boxes of magazines he had collected over the years.  In the beginning, I dismissed the findings or was confused, but said nothing.  I wasn't aware of the overtness at the table until later on in life.  By the time I was able to say anything to my mom, I had left and moved back home and he told my mom, it was his house and he could do what he wanted. 

Let me back up a minute.  I had problems with my teeth.  I had so many contraptions that one could never imagine and that was all done before I got braces at 13.  I had jaw surgery for the first time at 14.  Braces removed and back on again by 16 only to have surgery again.  My dad was obsessed that his daughter was to look a certain way and that was that. 

I had sex, smoked pot, drank, and used tobacco at age 14.  I ended up doing every drug known to man and ended up in treatment at 22-23 for the first time addicted to heroin and cocaine-IV and didn't even know I had a problem.  I haven't a clue how I didn't end up pregnant as a teen.

I have been struggling to stay sober for 20 years.  I have been in/out of so many institutions I've lost count.  I finally found a woman in AA that helped me work the steps the proper way and I have been able to take accountability for my part and the harm I caused others.  I've made my peace with that and live differently today.

As a result of the addiction my father has to porn, I had premature sex, went through a short period of promiscuity and then opted for the sex before I know you approach and then we'll have a relationship type things.  There were some long term ones, but I was always trying to "fix" or "change" the men.  It doesn't work that way I have finally learned.  I can only change myself.  The irony of it all....I got involved with a guy that had a full blown sick to my stomach, unbelievable, gross, disgusting sex addiction w/porn to go with it.  When he told me about it, he knew nothing of my upbringing.  I wasn't even aware of the irony until much later in life.  When this guy lowered the boom, ANY healthy individual would have run as fast as they could and never ever look back.  I asked why would you ever tell me this info.---his response, I trust you.  It erased the traumatizing info. he had just shared.  You see, his sex addiciton was of the singular type, it wasn't necessary that I participate.  Things happened that I did participate in, but I was and had to be so high that I still have vague memories of those things.  I tried to go so many times and I kept going back thinking if I do this or that, he'll want to be different.  It was about my ego in part, but I really wanted him to get better.  It only progressed.  Finally, I tried to overdose to rid myself of the pain and him, but to no avail.  He left me lying in a bed, dope sick, alone, helpless and broken.  I moved on and can you guess what happened next?  I found another one.  This was after the interent.  I had the experience of walking into the room and the he was always playing games on the computer.  I knew in my gut something was not right.  Finally a few months later, he proposed I do somethings I wasn't into.  I let that slide and a few weeks later, something happened and he came out with the info and said he was a sex addict.  I let him know that I may have made that mistake once, but I did learn one thing, I didn't have to do it again.  I packed my things and walked out and never looked back.  That was 10 years ago.  I have lived alone for 9 years, but was raped about 4-5 years ago.  I thought that was my fault too.  I finally got help after the rape and I had looked at the father issues for a second, but dared to pull the curtain back and acknowledge that it all started at home.  I've asked my mom if it bothered her that he looked at the magazines and she says oh no it doesn't bother me.  She told me that and that sometimes you have to have sex to get what you want and other messages that are total BS!!!

I know my truth today:  I come from a home with a selfish, self-centered, sex addicted father and passive/aggressive, depressed, empty, lifeless mother.

The damage done to me?  It's unimaginable.  I'm still reeling and spinning from the experiences I've had.  I go to therapy and group therapy weekly, see a psychiatrist monthly and that is for maintainence.  Not to mention, I am lonely, but recover quickly.  I would love to have a relationship, but when you take away all the things I have been told, witnessed, experienced and I get gut level honest with myself....I feel that I am not good, I am the s**m off the bottom of your shoe, I don't trust men, I have the lowest of low self esteem, and I really hate my guts.  There, I said it, I have moved past a lot, but when I am finally able to peel back the layers of whatever is going on on any given day, that is my truth.

When a father exposes his daughter to sexualized material or behavior or whatever package you choose to put it in and a mother that doesn't protect you from that...I'm what happens. 

So, to those of you that think it's okay, just a man being a man, and all that TOTAL BS, may I live in your mind from now on and I pray that you never ever have daughters and if you do, I would hope they cry out for help and someone listens and if not....I would rather have died than lived through what I have lived through. 

I can tell you one thing though....I am a true SURVIVOR!!!!  I may be living alone, but I know the truth today.  I am sober, reasonably happy, and I love my parents in spite of it all.  I know they'll never change, but I have and there's a freedom in that beyond words. 

I hope something I said helps someone and to those who disagree...well, I'll not waste my breath

 

 

I know how you feel. I have known about my father's own addiction, since I was around 12, it was proven when (I was around 14) I found his collections of porn in magazines, and cd's also internet history. My parents never touched eachother for a long time, it is because my mother's disgust and tiredness of my father's arrogance and addiction. Also he lies to his own family, to my mother, to both of my siblings, to me, and to himself. I am the youngest daughter. I am just tired and disappointed of my father's lies, arrogance, and addiction. He disappoints his family so much yet still he never really admits. I am sorry that I talk too much. It is just a struggle also the fact that my family is in a financial and emotional struggle but still he choose to open the the pornsites. His family needs him, but still... Well the decision is in your father's hands, whether he prefers his ego and addiction...or his family.