Thanks so much for this. I have HOCD (among other forms of OCD), and I think porn/erotica made it sooo much worse. I'm a woman, and I've only ever been sexually/romantically attracted to men. I got into reading slash fiction, though, and later gay (male) porn, and it really began to screw with my mind; I started to worry that I was a lesbian, I think, not so much because of anything to do with women and more because my tastes in porn/erotica escalated and my brain was like, "well, clearly no normal straight woman would like this kind of stuff, so you must be gay." I'm hopeful that giving up porn will help me get back to the way I felt when I was in my early teens.
I really need to tell my story and get opinions from outside parties, I am a female who fears that she might be a lesbian. Since I can remember, I have always had crushes on boys. I can pinpoint the first crush I had on a boy when I was in Kindergarten. When I was little my friends and I experimented, we would get naked and play doctor, but it didn't ever seem like a big deal until now. When I was about twelve I discovered masturbation and pornography. I have never been a regular porn watcher and at first it was straight porn, but then it turned into lesbian porn. I have never had feelings for a girl or had a crush on a girl. I have never wanted to date a girl or kiss a girl, I have always wanted to kiss boys and date boys. I am not your typical girly girl, I am very independent and out spoken. I didn't date a lot until I got to college and it was never anything serious until about 9 months ago. I found this amazing guy who I go along well with and had amazing chemistry with. I found him very attractive. Right before we became serious, I had a few days where I was scared and nervous and worried that I was a lesbian and that I was being unfair to him. We had a great relationship, but the whole time I freaked myself out that I was being unfair to him if I noticed other guys or thought they were attractive. I always wondered if my feelings were real, but I liked him so much and we got along great that it was easy to ignore. Jump to now and we broke up because I moved to Germany for a year to work and I just didn't feel that we were right for each other and I felt guilty because I was noticing other attractive guys. I have never had a really connection with a man romantically, but I haven't had one with a woman either. A few days ago I had a dream that I was fingering a woman and it really turned me on. It was like I couldn't even help it, I turned on some lesbian porn and masturbated. Afterwards, when I really woke up and realized what happened I got really freaked out. Does this mean that I am a lesbian? I have had one lesbian dream before and it freaked me out and scared me too. I don't want to be a lesbian, I've always pictured my physical, sexual and romantic life with a man. But I have pretty much convinced myself that I like girls and I even do checks on myself by looking at men and women and trying to see how they make me feel and I honestly can't even tell the difference anymore. I am so scared and so terrified that I am going to have to be a lesbian now. Does this sound like HOCD or am I just in denial? I know that if I really was a lesbian my family would love me and accept me, so I am not worried about that. I also think that I might have ruined my relationship because I had/have ROCD. I have spoken to my mom, who is the one person who knows me best in this world and she thinks that if I really was a lesbian that I would've figured it out by now. I am terrified that the way I act, dress, talk, sit, speak will make people think I am a lesbian. I even hold my breath when a sexy scene with a girl in a movie comes on because I don't want my breath to change and have people notice and think I am a lesbian. I just need some to help sort out my thoughts. Am I really a lesbian or am I suffering from HOCD?
(Just for more information, I have always been able to convince myself that something bad is going to happen. Once I convinced myself that a noise that I heard in my house one night was someone trying to come kidnap me. I even convinced myself I knew who it was and I prepared myself for it. Things like this have and still happen quite often.)
I'm going threw the same thing I've had the problem a year ago and my anxiety spiked this year and it came back worse. I made myself think that I could be the devil or something and then I worried I couldn't pray or love anyone but I got over it , this proves the mind can play tricks on you just wait it out maybe try talking to a counselor it really helps I tried it , I honestly feel the same way u do. I believe that I am truest straight Bc I have no fear in liking guys I feel comfortable and it's nice. If you fear it and it brings you that much negativity then you weren't meant to like it. Picture a color you like and a color you hate then think what if I like the bad color instead.. Stupid right ? You r fine a little time , positivity and talking things out to reassure yourself will help
Thank you I don't want to offend anyone but I don't want to be lesbian I have nothing against them they are really nice people by the way I am 13 but the past 3 months I was scared that I was lesbian I was scared and terrified and my brain gave me innaproiate thoughts that I didn't want I wanted to be straight and I looked at hundreds of websites and it didn't help cause people said that oh your lesbian if you watch lesbian porn but I never had a crush on women I always like men and my parents said that they don't care if I'm lesbian and I love them for that but I really don't want to be and my hormones are racing because I think that I may get my period soon and I don't like the thought and this really helped I I AM STRAIGHT AND I AM HAPPY
Am I lesbian if I like all porn but I don't want to be with girls
While I completely agree with this, I have a similar question that I can't find a thread or blog or anything on no matter how hard I try.
I'm gay. I'm sure I'm gay. I came out as bi before I fully knew what the word meant, and I avoided it after bullying once I broke up with a girl because I was bullied for dating her.
9 years later I haven't been with a girl more than a one night stand or two and a lot of anxiety from serial dating men to compensate.
My problem is... I'm good at straight sex. I don't like it. I have gagged and nearly thrown up from being with men. I can't even watch them get off in porn or I'll get sick.
I haven't been with a girl in so long I'm afraid of being with one. I'm afraid of having sex with them and not being good at it. Not being good enough to keep them.
I feel so stupid and crazy. I don't know what to do.
As a gay guy who's known he was gay his entire life: This post is utter nonsense. If you think you might be gay or bi, just say f**k it and let your thoughts follow through. sexuality is very fluid, and don't ever, EVER, let anyone else tell you what your own sexuality is. don't be afraid of the thoughts or what they might mean, EMBRACE them, and see where they lead!
I was frustrated with all the gay thoughts,but now this post made me realize i will never be gay and i am straight only...*phew* a huge help....thanks again...!!!
I'm greatfull for this, if i would've known sooner it would help me not feeling scared or having an everyday anxiety. I'm 19 years old, female, i have a boyfriend who i love him deeply. And i like to confess that i am no longer a porn addict. Every since him, i feel less n less interested in porn, cuz he gives that satisfaction and love :) (its been 8 months going on 9) I haven't seen him in 5 months cuz he's in the Army. And with no sex i keep thinking about going back to porn. Ive been watching porn since i was in middle school and it was honestly to be back then the best feeling. Now after almost a year sober, i watched porn once again. And ever since i haven't been feeling like myself for almost 2 months. And i feared that i ruined my relationship and when he's not here, all these girls keep popping in my head my a f**** porno. And i began to cry and feel sick to my stomach. Cuz it's making feel like I'm being brainwashed. And everyday i repeatdly keep telling myself "Im not gay." Which hell no im not cuz guys gives me a big ass smile on my face. But now I'm feeling depressed cuz I'm acting this way and I'm trying to help move from it. But every time i wanna smash my head cuz it's disgustingly gross to feel that way. I was afraid of falling asleep cuz i would have these dreams. I was afraid of going out in public to look at different people without sexually judging them. Today i hopped in my car n drove of and stopped some where far n empty. In my car i screamed so loud and yelled out "I'm not gay!" "I love men!" "I don't love women!" "I love (my boyfriend name)! I'll do anything for him!"
So can anyone relate?
I told my boyfriend yesterday, cuz i wanna feel relief again. He understood and he says its normal to feel this way bout having "gay thoughts" and he says that i need to sleep n relex and i need to call him up, i will. I could kiss him and hug him and love him all over again. It was amazing talking to him and opening up to him. I'm not feeling as afraid cuz I'm opening up and talking to him about it.
I watched porn again cuz i miss my boyfriend, plus i was feeling turned on so how did i relieve all of it? By watching porn again. Straight, BDSM, Henti, Lesbian (never makes me feel any better) And at first i was like holy c**p where have i been!!...and waking up the next morning it didn't make me feel happy. I was disgusted by it and i felt like i cheated on my boyfriend.
Feel like throwing away my tablet cuz thats where i mostly see it. I wanna be clean and heathly and happy once again. I never thought feeling this way would lead me to a dark scary path. I look at my boyfriend and i fall in love with him and kiss his picture and motivate me to marry him and be successful in the future. I guess how I'm feeling right now (no offence girls) but you all ain't sh*t to me!! (Don't kill me, this how i fell :( )