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I am a 22 year old college student and would just like to vent and share my experience. I have been feeling very low and would like to know if there is anyone else out there who has these same feelings too. This last year has been the hardest for me: pain, guilt, grief and feeling like no one understands. Please don't be judgmental.

@17 years old I got pregnant and after telling my mother she urged me to get an abortion. I was 17 weeks along and the father was occupying himself with 3 other girlfriends and made it clear he did not want a baby at the time. When I found out I was pregnant I was in a fresh relationship with another guy and had to break things off with him. This was in my senior year of high school and as if I wasn’t dealing with enough, my ex told me he would be there to go through the abortion process and was not. I called him as soon as it was done and he blamed me for killing our child. I never really got over this but had to try to move on transitioning into college, I tried convincing myself that the decision was for the best. I ended up contacting my boyfriend and telling him everything and he accepted me back with open arms and we are still together today.

At 20 I found out that I was 8wks pregnant and was still naïve because I was thinking it’s been years and my bf and I had been using the pull out method. Long story short, I miscarried. I sat in the ER for 7 hours before I was seen and by then I had saw the fetus pass when I went to the bathroom. Dealing with the nightmares and regrets I began to get devastated but my friends and family tried convincing me that I it was meant to happen and there was nothing I could do. As time passed my grades dropped and I slowly fell into depression. I felt that my life had no direction and purpose.

(here’s the horrible part)Last summer I asked my boyfriend to give me a baby and explained to him that I felt that it would bring meaning to my life and give me something to live for and to love unconditionally and know that it would love me back the same way. He agreed. 21/2-3weeks later we found out we were pregnant and when it was time to face things he freaked out. I told my mom and she was so excited about having a grandchild but my bf and I are still pretty dependent on our parents and he was more worried about not being able to provide for a child ourselves. I started to feel that I owed it to him to allow him to get himself together before we go into parenthood. So I eventually agreed to an abortion. At the clinic I broke down and told him I could not go through this again and that I know it would break me if I did so we left. After that we argued for a whole week about the situation and when my mom gave me advice one day while feeling bad  “maybe you shouldn’t bring a child into this world, it’s too hard trying not to screw up like I did” I started feeling alone and scared of being a single parent w/ no help. So I made another appointment and went through with it. My boyfriend told me I didn’t have to but he still drove me to the clinic and never really objected.

Today my baby would have been almost 3 months old and I find myself with baby fever. I get sad when seeing pregnant women/ babies/commercials/families. I even cry out of the blue sometimes. Everything makes me think of my baby and how horrible of a person I am for not standing up for my child. I was weak and I hate myself for it. I even got birth control because I don’t trust myself not to try to get pregnant again. I know what I did was wrong and all I want is my baby back but I don’t even feel like I deserve to have a child now. I feel like the worst person on earth everyday.

 





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I understand that you're hurt by this and I hope that you can get your life together, but I honestly can't understand why you would intentionally get pregnant only to kill the child  you spent weeks trying to create. To me that does not make sense. If you do get pregnant again before you're ready please consider adoption. When my mom got pregnant with me my dad was still in college and my parents were completely broke. They had no family support when it came to money, due to financial problems they were also considering divorce. They didn't want kids and they had the option put on them to get rid of me and aborting me was a consideration. My mom couldn't do it and although times were hard she still had me. They were so poor at the time my mom said they almost turned a drawer into my crib, but they rethought their finances, went without the unneeded extra things and managed to get me things and take care of me just fine. Twenty years later my dad makes a six figure salary and my mom is now a housewife who only has to work when she feels like it...and me and my little brother live very good lives. The thought that one different decision on my parents part just to make their lives a little bit easier could have prevented me from living this life of mine it upsets me....and thinking that any parent could consider killing their child makes me sick.

You can't change what you did in the past, but in the future I really hope you consider different options if you become pregnant in the future. Don't put yourself through these kinds of feeling any more than you already have.
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I know exactly how you feel. I know people say that a lot and every person and experience is different but I had an abortion a few months ago so I know how you feel when you talk about feeling undeserving and guilty. You must not feel guilty about what you did, at 17 you still had your whole life ahead of you and your ex partner was clearly an immature id**t. You have to think of the positives (there are many, honest! :-) ) You are still so young...perhaps it is easier to think, and focus on, a time where you will be more emotionally and fiancially equipped to deal with a baby - a time where you and your boyfriend don't feel reliant on your parents and have a place of your own so that when you go start a family you'll feel nothing but excited and happy, not anxious or confused. I understand your wanting to get pregnant, I still feel broody ALL THE TIME, but you can't beat yourself up about feeling the way you do. One day you will have a family and everything will be just right and you can look back at this dark period and see it as a learning curve. Have you ever thought about counselling? sometimes it's good to talk just to get out all those feelings whether you're angry or sad. Try not to feel angry with yourself for, as you put it, 'not standing up for my child', instead try to think that you did something good (although it doesn't feel like it) you made the sensible decision that was right for you considering the circumstances. You are a GOOD person, and obviously full of love, you just need to wait until it's the right time. Who knows that might be in a year or 5 years or even 10, but now you must focus on the future and justify the termination by making your life everything you wanted it to be so that you are more than ready next time. You DO deserve a child and I am sure you will make a great mom one day, it's just not your time yet. Instead of focusing on what could have been, focus on what WILL be and achieve everything you ever wanted to before you got pregnant, that's a good place to start...you have your whole life ahead of you, most of all, you need to learn to love yourself...x
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um I cant offer advice and i am not ready to share but reading this I feel like telling you that I feel the same way about myself too. That I am not deserving or worth having a famliy. I feel tainted and I have also been through multiple scenarios. That is all I can share right now. I can understand the self hate and inner disapointment and I am not sure if telling your story made you feel better. I got the depo shot because of the same reason and find myself regreting that I did that even. I feel like I shut the door on life and so therefore I must suffer.
I am sorry
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i feel the exact same way its like im reading excatly what i have been feeling , i made my procedure almost a year from now im 21 now i have never spoken this anyone the only one that knows about this is my boyfriend i have always felt frustrated in not having the courage to tell someone else my decision to have an abortion , i also cry out of the blue i cant get out of bed sometimes and just want to cry , i feel the same when i see anything baby related. I sometimes get angry at young couples with their baby because i want it so bad because they were strong enough to have their child and not me i let mine go i think about my fututre if ill be able to be priveledged to be pregnant again i want to so bad im missing a meaning in my life thank you for sharing your story i always felt alone but now i feel a step closer to healing you are not the worst person on earth you dont understand how much reading your post has helped me.
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I am so sorry that all of you had to go through this!  I know it is a hard decision to make.  I am 27 more then old enough to have a kid but I am still in school and SOOO poor.  I used to want to have a kid with my boyfriend of 8 years but we broke up a year ago and now I am pregnant with a guy that I like but am not in love with.  He wants to have the kid and be a family and I don't really want that.  I was just about to finish school and now i find myself crying all the time and just wanting to die because i am so stupid to get myself into this situation.  I am plenty old enough to know better.  I don't want to hate this child in me but I am so scared of regretting getting an abortion and I don't want him to always regret that I got one too.  I just don't know what to do...

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You only think that because you are here now. If you were never born no one would even know you. I hate it when people say things like this. It makes no sense. You are here because that IS what they choose if they choose another option that would have worked out too. It all works out in the end.
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I guess I am having trouble feeling sorry for this young woman. She got pregnant at 17 and aborted the baby. She then got pregnant again at 20 because of stupidity and had a miscarriage. Then, in consultation with her boyfriend, she intentionlly gets pregnant again only for both of them to decide after a few weeks they don't want the baby afterall, so she has another abortion. Two boyfriends, three pregnancies, two abortion and one miscarriage all by the age of 22. This young woman and her boyfriend are the poster children  for immaturity and selfishness. As if to imake the point of her self-centeredness she talks about having a baby to fill in the hole in HER LIFE and to have something who will GIVE HER unconditional love, get a puppy. She may grow up someday and by ready to be a parent, but that day is obviously years away. Am I being judgemental, I certainly am, because that is something in way too short supply in modern day America. Dirty little inconvenient truth here is that we are not only talking about the life of the woman involved here, but also the lives of three unborn children. For the record I have been there. I was 20 when my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We were very much in love and decided while the timing could be better we would get MARRIED ( a term I never heard this young woman mention) and have the child. But after pressure from her mother she decided the timing wasn't right and chose abortion instead to make her mother happy. I went along because I loved her and saw how hard this was on her. We beat the odds, stayed together and got married. We never had children because the abortion did damage which left her unable to bear children. She died at 46 from aggressive breast cancer which I am sure was also caused by the abortion. So when I hear stories like this one where screwed up, immature, self centered young women become serial abortionist it turns my stomach. I'm sorry you will get no ''oh it's all good, don't feel bad about what you've done'' psycho-c**p from me.

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This is a syndrome and it has a name. Post Abortion Stress Syndrome. It is a form of PTSD. Not yet recognized by DSMV as official clinical condition but I believe it will be. You probably first suffered with it a little after the first abortion, then the trauma of a miscarriage threw you into PASS full force. You were momentarily out of it after getting pregnant the third time on purpose. Realizing it's not hat you really want you terminated and now are suffering with PASS again. You need therapy and maybe antidepressant medication to cope with this. The symptoms of PASS are on a website, google Post Abortion Stress Syndrome. Sounds to me like you have all of them. Depression, Guilt, Preoccupation with getting pregnant again when the circumstances haven't changed that made you abort. I feel your pain I had this too. It's not your fault. You are sensitive and things like this are very traumatic. Forgive yourself, please seek treatment. Think of it like a flu or cold. You need medicine.
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I tried to write a reply to your post, but honestly - I am too disgusted. I wrote this entire thing out and then deleted it all. I am really trying not to be mean and hateful, and it's pretty d*** impossible.

You may have been with a woman, LOVED a woman who had an abortion. But YOU, sir, you have NO IDEA what the toll is on a woman. NONE.


Love be with you.
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THANK YOU, wiseenough!

And to you? Broody?

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With LOVE<3

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Does this young woman not feel awful enough already for your taste? Keep it to yourself next time you feel like putting down a person who's at their lowest and seeking guidance. Nobody should have to tell you this.
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I couldn't agree more! While there are woman out there who cannot conceive and who can't carry this girl goes and not only murders an innocent child after playing now adult games.. but then intentionally gets pregant and murders another??? This is sick and I cannot feel bad for her depression that she put upon herself! I got pregant at 17 and owned my responsibility and am now 27 and pregnant again at the right time.. But I couldn't imagine my life without my 8 year old amazing little boy!!
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Interesting. Dear, I would like to let you know that your mistakes do not define you. Yes, you have done a horrible thing, but there is a God out there who has forgiven you for your actions! I know this because He forgave and relentlessly pursued me after I made one of the worst mistakes I've ever made. And right now, He's doing the same thing with you. That's all and if you need anything else, feel free to ask :)

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