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We were using condoms. My insurance cancelled me (obama health laws or somethign) and I was going to get on the UTI in about 4 weeks, then I found out I was pregnant.   I totally freaked out. I couldn't think. To be honest, I was in a blur. Then I was in denial. I didn't feel like it was right to have a baby when we had so many bills already. 20k in debt, daughter having surgery in a few weeks. I couldn't stop thinking about my daugther still nursing and having to wake up with a baby at night. I felt numb.

I remember thinking, how can we pay for this? In my head I thought, we have a house to finish, we only have three rooms, our daugther is still sharing a room with us. I have a beautiful daugther that I love and want to spend ALL of my time with. I don't want another baby. How could this have happened to me? I wanted my daugther to get my full attention, not to want to miss a thing with her, not to want to ever tell her I can't pick her up because I have to attend to another child. Not to want to tell her that I can't see her sports because I have to go to another kids sports. Not to want to tell her that we can't afford this because we are so very broke. I just wanted to be there for her 100%.

My husband travels. I thought -- how will I take care of my step-son who lives with me and a baby and a 2 year old. I didn't feel like I could do it. I still ponder if I could. I thought, money, travel, life. I want to travel with my daugther - show her the world. My husband wants to be a pilot. We want to finish our basement.

I remember hearing my husband say that I didn't have to do this, but it was my body - my choice. I knew deep down he didn't want another baby either. I felt so ashamed. So ashamed it had happened. All those years, I was so judgmental about women having so many kids. Here I was - peeing on a stick - now one of those women.

I remember going to the clinic. As I drove, I felt ashamed driving there. Even at 32, I thought of how dissapointed my parents would be. The women told me maybe you need think about this. When I thought about it, I just didn't see clearly. I felt I just wasn't sure, but I felt I had to - for the sake of my current family. I wish she would have just sent me home. I called my husband in the clinic hoping he would tell me to go home that he wanted to have a baby and that I was doing something wrong. He didn't. I figured he must not want this right now either. I went ahead with the abortion. After, I felt ashamed of what I did.

In the end --. I wasn't ready for a baby again, but I wasn't ready for an abortion either. It was my choice and I have to live with this.

It has been three weeks. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I shower 5 times a day hoping it will make me feel better, but it doesn't. I feel aweful. I have that feeling of getting pregnant again -- but part of me says no -- you really don't.  I want to do what is right for me - for my family. I fear if I don't have another baby, in the future I will regret not having another. But then I fear having a baby will just be a rememberance of what I did that I felt wrong about.

They are sure right. You don't know how you will feel until after you do it. I thought I would have been fine. After the abortion, I thought more into things. "we don't need our truck - there is a good chunk of money for daycare" "we don't need our fancy cell phone-there is some money". I am upset because the hormones and surprise just caused my judgment to go out the window. I'm usually a very level headed person. I am also dissapointed in myself for not talking to someone before-hand. A friend, my mom. I'm sure it would have gone totally different if I did.

Some days, I feel relief. "Yah, no more getting up to nurse a baby". "Yay, I get to spend all my time with my daugther."  "Yay, this was MY plan for MY LIFE." But... I still feel empty. I feel like I did somethign wrong. I want to take it back and I can't.

My husband says he doesn't want to get pregnant when we can't afford it. I understand this - smart guy. He says if we plan to have a baby, we plan the right way. But I just can't keep feeling this way.

So... does getting pregnant soon after an abortion make you feel better? How do you heal from this?

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User avatar
Health Ace
6524 posts
Hey there first off let me say how sorry I am to read your story and find out what you are going through. Many many many women feel the exact same way you do after an abortion. There is an emptiness and sadness however having a baby to try and fill that right away I don't think is smart either. It will be a huge burden and mentally and emotionally stress you out . I agree with your husband if you want another baby please be smart and have one when you can afford things better not just for your sake but the whole family's sake kids and all. It's not fair to make them suffer just so you can try to fill a hole. Are you religious at all? If so please know that God will forgive you if you ask..... I also suggest looking into a post abortion support group. There you can safely express your feelings wih others going through the same thing and start to heal that way as well. If you still need to talk you can also come on here as others can respond too.... Remember you are only human and humans are far from perfect and make mistakes. You can heal from this but it is probably going to take a while. Please try and stay positive for yourself and your family
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Thank you. I scheduled a doctor appointment. I go today. I scheduled a counselor appt I go next week. My husband is very supportive. Life is so hard. It throws balls at you that sometimes you just can't catch. Oh brain, heart, please heal. I need to move on and live the life I planned!
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User avatar
Health Ace
6524 posts
You will move on but remember there will be good days and bad and you are not a terrible person.... It is ok to cry and I'm glad your family is being supportive. Good luck at your appointments :)
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Please. For the love of God. Do not get pregnant again! Your hormones caused you to be reckless before and take the life of another human being. Don't do it again...
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