We were using condoms. My insurance cancelled me (obama health laws or somethign) and I was going to get on the UTI in about 4 weeks, then I found out I was pregnant. I totally freaked out. I couldn't think. To be honest, I was in a blur. Then I was in denial. I didn't feel like it was right to have a baby when we had so many bills already. 20k in debt, daughter having surgery in a few weeks. I couldn't stop thinking about my daugther still nursing and having to wake up with a baby at night. I felt numb.
I remember thinking, how can we pay for this? In my head I thought, we have a house to finish, we only have three rooms, our daugther is still sharing a room with us. I have a beautiful daugther that I love and want to spend ALL of my time with. I don't want another baby. How could this have happened to me? I wanted my daugther to get my full attention, not to want to miss a thing with her, not to want to ever tell her I can't pick her up because I have to attend to another child. Not to want to tell her that I can't see her sports because I have to go to another kids sports. Not to want to tell her that we can't afford this because we are so very broke. I just wanted to be there for her 100%.
My husband travels. I thought -- how will I take care of my step-son who lives with me and a baby and a 2 year old. I didn't feel like I could do it. I still ponder if I could. I thought, money, travel, life. I want to travel with my daugther - show her the world. My husband wants to be a pilot. We want to finish our basement.
I remember hearing my husband say that I didn't have to do this, but it was my body - my choice. I knew deep down he didn't want another baby either. I felt so ashamed. So ashamed it had happened. All those years, I was so judgmental about women having so many kids. Here I was - peeing on a stick - now one of those women.
I remember going to the clinic. As I drove, I felt ashamed driving there. Even at 32, I thought of how dissapointed my parents would be. The women told me maybe you need think about this. When I thought about it, I just didn't see clearly. I felt I just wasn't sure, but I felt I had to - for the sake of my current family. I wish she would have just sent me home. I called my husband in the clinic hoping he would tell me to go home that he wanted to have a baby and that I was doing something wrong. He didn't. I figured he must not want this right now either. I went ahead with the abortion. After, I felt ashamed of what I did.
In the end --. I wasn't ready for a baby again, but I wasn't ready for an abortion either. It was my choice and I have to live with this.
It has been three weeks. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I shower 5 times a day hoping it will make me feel better, but it doesn't. I feel aweful. I have that feeling of getting pregnant again -- but part of me says no -- you really don't. I want to do what is right for me - for my family. I fear if I don't have another baby, in the future I will regret not having another. But then I fear having a baby will just be a rememberance of what I did that I felt wrong about.
They are sure right. You don't know how you will feel until after you do it. I thought I would have been fine. After the abortion, I thought more into things. "we don't need our truck - there is a good chunk of money for daycare" "we don't need our fancy cell phone-there is some money". I am upset because the hormones and surprise just caused my judgment to go out the window. I'm usually a very level headed person. I am also dissapointed in myself for not talking to someone before-hand. A friend, my mom. I'm sure it would have gone totally different if I did.
Some days, I feel relief. "Yah, no more getting up to nurse a baby". "Yay, I get to spend all my time with my daugther." "Yay, this was MY plan for MY LIFE." But... I still feel empty. I feel like I did somethign wrong. I want to take it back and I can't.
My husband says he doesn't want to get pregnant when we can't afford it. I understand this - smart guy. He says if we plan to have a baby, we plan the right way. But I just can't keep feeling this way.
So... does getting pregnant soon after an abortion make you feel better? How do you heal from this?
Thank you. I scheduled a doctor appointment. I go today. I scheduled a counselor appt I go next week. My husband is very supportive. Life is so hard. It throws balls at you that sometimes you just can't catch. Oh brain, heart, please heal. I need to move on and live the life I planned!