How to deal with an alcoholic boyfriend

I've been with my boyfriend (and best friend) for almost 4 years. I am 25. He is about the same age. When we first started dating we would get fairly drunk and watch movies together. It kind of eased nervous tension as we were both sort of anxious types. I've been a moderate drinker since I was about 20. He's been a heavy drinker since he was about 19. I only really drank on nights that we were seeing each other- about 3 nights per week during the first year. I knew that he was drinking more often than I was but it never really seemed like much of a problem. I just figured it was a phase. Plus it is pretty common for rock musicians (which we both are) to drink fairly regularly.

We moved in together after a little more than a year of dating and it really became clear to me that his level of alcohol dependency was pretty significant and I began to talk to him about trying to cut down. I have found myself drinking more often (about 6 nights a week- usually just one or two drinks though) just because I am around him. (Just for the record, he is never violent, rarely rude, really a good guy- I just get so sick of seeing him drink, and the smell of it sometimes makes me sick, and the money he spends every day- on a good day he'll only drink a 6-pack of "tall boys" 16oz beers)

Recently I've become very serious about taking better care of myself and I've been telling him repeatedly, in different ways that I see my self growing significantly (and drinking a lot less) and doing amazing things with my life and that I need my partner to be healthy and mature too. I know that he is just swallowing his pain instead of dealing and growing. I know he needs help. He refuses to get help though. I've suggested it to him many times, even offered to look into payments, even offered to pay for it! He won't go. He just skirts the issue. I don't know what to do. I feel like I am maturing so much faster than he is because I stunts his emotional/psychological growth with alcohol. I feel like it is kind of a crappy move to give him an ultimatum of "Get help or I'm leaving" but I don't know what else to do. Any advise?

I'd like to share my story, too...

My partner and I of ten years had a falling out on Christmas. He was drinking, kept bugging me about pouring him more drinks, and I just wanted to take a nap for a bit before we went out. He would not allow me to take a nap, he kept waking me up to bother me with unnecessary things, he wants a cigarette, he needs more vodka, he's bored, etc. I got crabby, which made him upset so he said he wanted to leave. Being crabby, I told him to just go. I wasn't up for playing any of this immature games.

Then I got to thinking. I firmly believe that had he not been drinking, the incident would not have occurred on Christmas. He would have left me alone to nap for a bit instead of waking me up to get him more drinks. That made me realize that when he has the money, he drinks every day, even if he just has 1 40oz of beer, which is the minimum. He's lied to me about how much he drinks before. He's lied to his non-drinking friends about how much he drinks. I asked him not to drink on Christmas because I wanted to have a good time and he said he wanted to have a good time, too, so he was going to do it anyway.

He has an addictive personality, addiction runs in his family. A few years back he was heavily addicted to marijuana, which became his #1 priority instead of our relationship so, basically, I suffered. He kicked it to get a job, had nothing to do with me. Now it's on to alcohol.

So I read some articles about alcoholics and a lot of the points really hit home. The last time I left him was because one night he got black out drunk and started treating me like absolute dirt for reasons foreign to me so I packed up and left. Stupidly, he claimed to not remember, was freaked out, apologized, and I came back. I feel like his alcoholism is in it's early stages. So I told him a couple of days after Christmas that I can't be with an alcoholic anymore and that I don't want to talk to him at all until he's been sober every day for a month and suggested AA. He acknowledges that he's an alcoholic, at least on some level, but doesn't view it as being a negative thing. I began to ask him if he's had anything to drink, when was his last drink, and he kept ignoring the questions. He's insisting that it's not the alcohol, it's some other problems. He's fully in defense mode now.

Now he's texting me, saying hurtful things. He's saying it was a misunderstanding and I'm doing all of this myself. He's saying it's not the alcohol, it's that I just don't like him. He's saying that he's not hitting me or anything so it can't be the alcohol. He says that alcohol is a problem but it's not the reason for the break up, despite the fact that I keep telling him that it is. I tell him he doesn't see how his drinking affects me because he's always drinking! I'm not even 100% sure that when I do talk to him that he's sober. I also can't trust any of his friends or family to not cover for him if they happen to be together and if they even know he's been drinking.

Anyway, it seems that logically I'm doing the right thing but what he says gives me doubts, like I'm blowing it out of proportion. Aside from the drinking, he can be absolutely amazing when he wants to be. He's just become so amazingly self-centered lately, I don't know what to do. I'm considering sticking with the 30-day thing and then going to AA meetings with him after that, if he can accept his problems by then. I know that 30 days not seeing each other is going to be hard, the longest we've not seen each other was 2 weeks straight. That was maybe seven years ago! This is probably the hardest thing I'm ever going to do. Not the stay away for a month thing, the dealing with an alcoholic thing. He's 27 and I'm 25.

Hello, i read all your posts every single one of them, its nice to see im not alone.. I have been on and off dating my bf for 6 years now, 3 years of that he has been a full blown alcholic :-( when he is not drinking we get a long like two peas in a pod, he is loving and caring towards me, he works all day the second he gets home he will poor himself a 3 shot hard liquor drink and will have about 5-6 of those a night, he will polish off a hugh thing of hard booze in one night, he will go to the liquor store everyday after work. At the end of the night he is so drunk he slures his wrods, his eyes start rolling back in his head, and he doesnt make any sense and when i tell him, he says "no im not drunk and i do make sense" he honestly thinks he makes sense and that he is not a alcholic... he resfuses to get help he doesnt think he has a problem! last night was the worst i told him i was leaving him and moving in with my mom, he drank so much he peed the bed, and this isnt the frist time he has done that. he couldnt get up off the floor and fell down the stairs on his butt. he woke up for work at 4 am and was still drunk forgot to set his alarm.... i know he does so i set mine or he would lose his job.. i told him i was leaving and he said that he was losing his only support, and that i was giving up on him. said he would put a bullet to his head. my mom and sister both said to leave and to turn a new leaf... i want to so bad, i cried harder than ive ever cried last night seeing him the way he was.. i cant do it anymore! i love him sooooooooooooo much, he is verbally abussive but has never hit me, has threaten to hit me all the time, but never does, he is very aggressive when wanting sex.. i refuse to sleep with him when he is drunk so it has been over 2 months since sex.. i feel so sorry for him and feel he wont be able to take care of himself without me. :-( should i leave? and how to work of the courage to go...

I just started feeling like maybe something was changing in my ex boyfriend...until he got behind the wheel last night and almost killed all of us. He made a left hand turn into oncoming traffic. This is a road he travels ALL the time. He then tried to over correct by getting on the correct side of the road and crossing a two foot median in the road. He tore up his new truck and knocked the alignment out..

When I realized he almost killed both of us, his son and my son, I knew I was completely finished. I didn't cause it. And I can't fix it. I have been waiting for 6 years for this to get better.

I am so done.

i am 33 in just got of a relationship with an alcoholic, he still tries to contacat me..even today..i had too block him off of facebook.  he drives on a suspended license, drinks while driving and has empty containers of vodka and corona in his car, he is now facing charges for 3 dui's and negligent driving, we both grew up together, he use to be my bully and none of my friends like him...even til this day...In the beginning he lied to me and told me he had his own place and was taking care of his mom. Turns out he is still at home at 34, living with mom, he caused her to lose her last place, because he allowed a gun to go off and the house, bullets went into the ceiling, and caused the sprinkling system to go off.  I HAD TO CUT HIM LOSE, IT WASNT EVEN THAT LONG..MAYBE 4 OR 5 MONTHS, IM JUST REALLY HURT, BEACAUSE I REALLY DID LOVE HIM.  But im old enough to know when someone isnt right for me.  He blamed me for all our arguments and would reek of vodka from his pours the day after drinking, and didnt know how he made it home.  He is slowly killing himself..I dont like the way he treats his mom.  Totally disrespectful.

I am 22 and am also dealing with an alcoholic boyfriend. We've been dating over four years and things have finally come crashing down.  He has had drinking problems before, but not to this extent (then again he lies constantly so maybe it has been this bad).  I want to stick by him, but after 4+ years of emotional abuse and lies how can I even hope to trust him again?  Or be able to feel anything in general?  He wants me to understand why it happens, but I feel as though he can't understand why I'm having such a hard time dealing with it all.  He is under the impression that "coming clean" will make up for 4 years of hell.   I don't want to be a bad gf and abandon him when he needs me most, but can you really pick up the pieces when it gets this bad?  He is going to see an addiction counselor which makes me very happy, but who knows how long it will last?  Any advice?

Since you guys seem to have been through this path do you have some advice of signs that other spouses to look out for as the alcoholism is developing? I say this b.c my g.f. of two and half years's family has a long list of alcoholics. I've learned there is a genetic predisposition to this and I am sort of afraid for her. She is not like her family (is going to college, working 30-40 hours since early high school, bought her own reliable car without much parental help, etc) and tells me she refuses to be like them. But like many college students we go out on some weekends and she seems to get drunk everytime (where everyone else I'm with just gets buzzed). She is small framed (skinny and short) and I always attribute her drunkeness to tihs but she always tells me to let her have fun or continue drinking when i try to cut her off.

What developing signs should i be on the look out for to help her beat the stats?

I don't want college activity to become an excuse, but I think when it becomes more than drinking on weekends you know there's a problem.  Or if she gets angry because she can't drink on the weekend.  Also, as with other things, lies are a good indicator.  

I don't know how long we are supposed to try to get an addict to help themselves. I go to my first Al-Anon meeting this Tuesday but even then I know the answers are not going to come all at once. The bottom line is that if someone is abusing you, drunk or not, leave. Abuse is a whole other problem besides alcoholism. Sure they often go hand in hand, but are seperate issues.

 

I have been living with my boyfriend for just over a year. We moved to Wyoming together, far away from my family and friends in Michigan. He proposed to me shortly after we moved out here. We have always drank together, ever since we were just friends and first legal to do so out at the bars. It was a good time. I love to lose my inhibitions every once in a while and sing karaoke, dance, just be fun. I'm kinda dry without it.

 Living together has highlighted the extent of his problem. He drinks every day. There was a point in November I pointed out that he had drank every single day since the previous May. Every day. When I realized that it bothered me. Not because I want to control the situation or because sometimes he is so annoyingly sloppy drunk, but because this man asked me to spend the rest of his life with him, but look at what he is offering. By the time he is in his 50's or 60's he will succumb in some way to an alcoholic disease. I don't know if I am a b***h to not want to end up with a man who caused his own brain degeneration or colon cancer, but I don't. I don't want the rest of my life to suffer because he couldn't moderately enjoy alcohol. I like him. He is outgoing, rude, funny, smart, the hardest worker I ever met. There are things I hate about him too. But who cares? I always hate SOMETHING about EVERYONE.

I don't unwind with a drink anymore. I don't have fun at the bar singing karaoke and dancing. I sit home and am depressed. Drinking has become disgusting to me. Watching him chug beer after beer after beer in the first 15 minutes of being home from work. Finding the hidden or discarded bottles that are ten times the amount he said he had. Hearing the freezer creak open when I'm sleeping as he sneaks Everclear, of all things, lighter fluid with a label. Smelling it on him. Seeing how stupid he walks when he is drunk. Dealing with him trying to drive everywhere with a beer. He is disrespectful of our future. Do I look like a girl that wants to sit around while my man is in jail for DUI?

I put my foot down a few weeks ago. I told him he must not drink every day. I thought it was a reasonable request. For one week he did not drink but on the weekend days. I thought that was okay. I thought I could deal with that every week. He has drank every day since that weekend. I have returned my ring and let him know that if he wants to choose this unhealthy lifestyle over a life with me, so be it. Of course his response is that I am over-reacting and if that's what I want. It is what I want. My heart is broke, but I will get over it if that's his bottom line.

I am hoping he will come around and see how great we can be, how great life can be without a constant beer. I have seen him not drink but a day here or there for months. I know he is capable and just being lazy. He didn't have withdrawals the week he didn't drink. He is consciously choosing the drink over me. I try to change this because I love him. It is hard to accept someone just doesn't want to be with me.

The way I figure is I have put down an ultimatum. He has had those for me in the past and I did what he wants. Why not? Some people have insecurities they need catered to. But I am sad because with my ultimatum our relationship will end. If I rent the U-haul and move back to Michigan, there is no going back. Not right away, anyway. That's an expensive move and I wouldn't be able to turn it around if he decides he really did want a good life with me instead of choosing drinking and starting over. I'm sad because he is truly good, and actually leaving may make him stop. But then it is too late for me.

I love him. I would rather not watch him be a drunk. This won't be my first failed relationship. I still hurt in some way from all my relationships. I will forever hurt over him if we are truly done. But I am 30, getting old, wanting things I would never get if I stay with him as an alcoholic.

I just want to know how long do I try? For him, for his life, for his future... how long? What things can I do so I know I gave him every option? That I didn't just walk away when someone needed me to stay and fight? I know it's not up to me, but how far do I reach to keep him?

 

I have the same problem like yours. I 've had boyfriend for 5yrs and he has been drinking for 35 yrs,marijuna for 30yrs and just got out of cocaine a year before I met him. I myself don't drink, don't smoke and he sees me as a boring person,but i am very good to him, cooking, cleaning,work everything I can do, I do at all, bcause I cannot wait for him it will take months. He is drunk everyday, the first thing he does is pop the beer and smokes, and always says something to hurt me. I hate it, he always brags what he done to me. He pays rent, I do all housework, cooking, laundry, cleaning, gardening...First year, he paid me for helping aroung the house, sometime paid for hairdone. Now I work so hark while he sit there drink, and smoke all day long, he stops paying me, I have to take care of myself and he spend money on his exwife, gave her a house which he already paid off , why? because she cried, she wants more 3 houses not enough for her and he wants her to be happy, now she wants 10 arces land more. He will make sure she is happy while he treats me like sh*t, if I say something I will be a jealous person, mean and ugly and he will thow me out of his gate. Sometime he says he loves me and wants to marry me, sometine he says he will never marry me, I still with him, stay quiet and try to please him everyday. I hate him because he is a liar, bragger.I don't know wht to do to myself either, I hav nowhere to go.I try to help him to cut down his alcohol,but I can't he said that are his medicine

I am ready to leave my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years....who I didn't know was a drinker until a year and a half in. I've tried to talk to him and he just tells me I act like he's an alcoholic or something....ummmm it's been almost 2 years since you've went one day without a drink.... He stays up til midnight sitting at computer drinking, waiting until I go to sleep so he can go smoke pot and "I won't know then" or waits to get the rum out until I go to sleep. I used to be such a happy go lucky person and I find myself angry all the time as we have a beautiful house...in just his name, of which I either have to "deal with" his problem or leave and live paycheck to paycheck. I asked him to throw out the pot as we have two teen kids (mine) in the house and he says it's hidden and they don't know....they're teen kids, and the 18 year old has told him he acts like a teen smoking and drinking not the 49 year old man he is. He just tells me everytime I try to talk that he goes to work everyday and doesn't hit anyone so I should just let him do whatever he wants because "it's not like he's hurting anyone with his drugs or alcohol"

You and I have soooooo much in common it sounds like - would love to add you to my fb and chat sometime. I'm 10 years older but my bf has so many similarities

You are overeating. It doesn't seem like that big of a deal.. Hes 22! I would pass on that relationship if I was him...

I have been in a relationship with a good man for 7.5 years. I love him with all my heart. But, he has always had a drinking problem. Gets so drunk that he speaks in tongues and does stupid things. I have dealt with cheating, gone all night, name calling and hurtful unloving ways, when he is drunk. Just recently he chose to get behind the wheel of his vehicle while he was drunk, and I called the cops on him. He was arrested, and now blames me for it all. It has been the hardest time of my life. He tells me I am now dead to him. Dead to him! After all I did to love him and build a family for him. I am devastated, heartbroken, but, god, I still love him. I dream of the day he gets help and wants his family back. But, I can't hold my breath, right?

Thanks everyone, for awhile I have felt alone. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years. He drinks every night, he claims he drinks because of college. He says thats I dont understand his stress because he thinks his program is harder than mine.