Hi
My girlfriends sister is creating a problem for us. She 32, never had a boyfriend,never goes out for the night, no hobbies, never had a fulltime job, never lived away from the village she was born in and has been driving for 4 years but never even driven out of the county or on the motorway.
Like I said, she's 32 and still lives like a 16 year old. I keep trying to get her to get another job because theres gonna come a time when mummy and daddy aren't gonna be around and she's gonna be stuck.
Heres some examples of her behaviour.
My girlfriend went to stay for the christams week at their house. Come newyear my GF wanted to go home. Her sister kicked off about it saying that my GF "doesn't care about the family, this is the childhood home, you should want to spend time here etc etc". She ruins the christmas week every year with this.
I try to find her a new job, something she might like. She finds every excuse under the sun why she can't do them, yet she hates her own part time job which is basically drying dishes for half a day 5 days a week.
I suggested volunteer work at RSPCA as she likes animals to help boost her CV. She said she missed the deadline for the application because she wanted to stay at home in her free time because their dog was on it's last legs and she wanted to spend as much time as possible with it. When the dog died I mentioned it again and she found more excuses as to why she couldn't do it. Having done volunteer work myself, I know you can hand forms in anytime, so that was a lie.
She wanted to do a cookery course. I though great, I found her one and it was about 35 minutes away, but she said it was to far away to do a nightschool course, yet again all she had to do was drive around some country lanes to get there.
We sometimes watch movies together and I tell her she can come round to my house as I've got a film she might want to watch. Everytime she says "Why don't you bring it round to our house?". We only live 30 mins away, yet it's always us that have to make the effort to go over to theirs.
Their family bought a replacement dog. She hates it as she didn't want a replacement so soon. Even though it's the same breed, she kicks the dog out of the way when it settles in the same spot where the old dog used to lay and says things like "Get off there, horrible dog, I hate you"
She's not got a facebook account ,but I saw her dancing on a facebook video that one of her friends took at a pub gig. She was only in the distance for about 5 seconds. I mentioned it and she went mad, saying how everyone is going to take the piss out of her, and this is why she never wants to go out at night (Yup, an excuse again) because you end on the internet. I told her to calm down, it's nothing special. She kept going on about how she's really upset.
She won't wear skirts or dresses in public any shorter than her knees. She doesn't like men looking at her cleavage, but then feels unattractive if men don't look at her cleavage.
She's bought a pet hamster, which to me, is something that you do when you're 12, not 32.
She really digs her heels in when it comes to driving. She once came round to our house and was moaning about how she's going to get a panic attack if she has to drive us to the local restaraunt, and how she hates driving and wants to give it up, because she knows mummy will drive her around if she did.
I found a job in another county about 2 hours away down the motorway, and told her. She asked if we are gonna live there as the job requires us to live on site. My GF isn't botherted she's quite happy to move, yet her sister started kicking off saying "I'll never get to see my sister anymore you two can't wait to get away from me blah blah " I said to her you're more than welcome to come down and visit. She said " I'm not driving that far, ogh well, I guess I'll never see my sister again then will I?" My response was, well if you can't be bothered to drive that far, then you aren't that botheered about seeing her.
She used to fly abroad all the time to see her relatives, but now all of a sudden she refuses to fly
She suddenly hates built up areas and crowds now
I'm not sure whats wrong with her. I think she's partly stuck in a rut as she's admitted a couple of times that she can't be bothered or is just to lazy to do stuff, but why has she got like that?
Her mum has always treated her like the little princess by paying her bills for her and running around after her. They all give in to her, but at the end of the day, she doesn't like being like it as she's been on anti-depressants and thinks everything in life is boring yet she does nothing to change it.
I try to help her as I was once stuck in a rut, and got out of it but she gets no push from her mum as her mum seems to want to keep her at home because she can't stand being on her own with her husband.
She doesn't seem to like change either, but the problem is, it's affecting us. I daren't chase my career any further properly because the nextg step in it may mean moving to another county taking my GF with me. I'm afraid if I do, her family will protest, driving a wedge bewteen us, or even more frighteningly, her sister may try and top herself as she's already threatened to do it.
I think she is just living in the past - like you said a 16 year old. She doesn't want get on with her life.....Like you said ,"Her mum has always treated her like the little princess by paying her bills for her and running around after her. They all give in to her, but at the end of the day, she doesn't like being like it as she's been on anti-depressants and thinks everything in life is boring yet she does nothing to change it." I think she is just taking in life as she goes and isn't thinking about the future because she doesn't have to worry because her parents GIVE HER everything. The way this girl grew up ...Its all she knows. She doesn't sound like she would no what hard working, and self disipline is....
I'm sooo happy that they are people in the world like you though! The ones that try to help people even though those people don't appreciate it, but you keep trying! For the right reasons!
I think there is still hope for her in the future, maybe give her some confidence and motivation, just remember this! SOME PEOPLE CAN'T BE CHANGED! So don't spend your whole life trying to fix a lost cause...GOOD LUCK:-D
Thanks for the reply.
I agree, I think part of it is the fact she thinks she doesn't have too try. I even said to her once, what you gonna do when when mum and dad aren't around to support you? She said "Well, I'll have you and my sister to take care of me" and other reason was "Well dads gonna win the lottery so I don't need a career" She sort of laughed about it, but I think theres a small desperate part of her mind that wants to believe it and thinks it'll happen even though she really knows it's a stupid probability.
The problem is what she's doing is counter productive. Because she has this fear a failure or being shouted at or ridiculed, she wraps herself up in this little protective bubble where it's safe (I.e in a past when she was younger and without the stresses of adult hood). But all she's doing is making her future worse, and un-secure, and I think all this has been lead on by the fact she's not been pushed and any form of change or challenge has lead to anxiety attacks. But she's getting worse.
Deep down she knows it's not the right thing to do and I think sometimes she tries to convices herself that the excuses she gives as to why she can't apply for jobs or why she shouldn't go out at night or why she hasn't got a boyfriend are real reasons rather than just thinking, "Yeah, I'm lazy and I've got a problem"
She had appointments with therapists and she's not gone to them.
Another she does is she can't be bothered to use the internet for any thing other than using Play.com. She knows how to use it but says things like "I don't know how to use it" or " I don't like using the internet because people hack into your details or things always go wrong and it's slow to connect so I haven't got time to wait for it to work" Despite the fact she does nothing all day.
To me, these are just excuses and cover stories incase people pressure her to go on the net to look for work or volunteer sites etc.
All she has to do is take one small step into doing something different , and she'll start to feel much better. Thats all it takes. Thats all it took for me but she's so afraid that it will lead to her showing herself up or failing. What she doesn't think is "What have I got to loose by trying?" Nothing at all. She's no commitments, but alot to gain. But she just won't listen and sits there in this dream world finding excuses for everything and then she either gets defensive or starts to joke around hoping to change the subject.
It's hard to get her on her own or in a frame of mind where she can talk about it. But at the end of the day, it irritatesd me as I was in a similar position being stuck in rut, and know a person can change. And also, she's gonna become a problem for me and my partner in years to come.
Just remember she is family! You can't completly tear your girlfriend and her sister apart, you will have to make an aggrement with the sister that she will give you two space and that she wont be to big of a hassle.