Life is so lonely...................

My family don't want me anymore, they feel like I am a big burden even I don't ask them for any penny, I can afford myself but I don't give money like when I was working, now I only take care of my spends but I cannot give them like I used before, and also I feel my parents hate my being at home so I prefer to go out all the day to study and go back at night, they don't blame me for being un married, they blame for many things and even my sisters and brothers, they are not talking to me, they feel like I don't do anything in this life other than reading lines as they call my books.

I feel so lonely, I feel like no one likes me or loves me because of who I'm even my family. I miss to talk to anyone, I spend my whole day reading or studying, I don't talk to anyone other than my papers, I write what I feel but it doesn't help that much.

I'm really alone in this life, and when I tell anyone that I don't have many friends or I'm not that popular, they get away from me, I cannot make friends also, I only have 2 friends, one is close and the other is a normal friend. I'm very loyal to my friends, but they don't like my company that much because I talk nongirlish talk so they didn't like that, I don't go to parties or wedding ceremonies because i hate them and also I don't follow the latest fashion brands or such this stuff, I don't know what to talk to them about, but they didn't like what I talk about, also I don't have many love or relationship stories like others have to talk about, I knew 3 persons in my whole life so I have nothing to talk about. I like helping people but I hate asking anyone to help me not because I know everything in this life but because I don't like to trouble people or make them feel like I'm using them but when they ask me, I feel happy to help them because it makes me feel like I'm a little important. When I was a kid, I used to hear "No" when I ask for anything, like do things by yourself, don't count on anyone. When I asked my parents to bring me some toy I saw in the shop, they didn't even answer yes or no, they looked at me and went. I have been raised to expect No by people, when I ask them, so I feel so shy to ask anyone to do something for me or to help me even in small things, my parents are good but they were old when I came to this like in 40s so no time for me and honesty they were expecting a boy not a girl. I have been raised like a man and now they blame me for being and acting like a man, if you have no one to take care of your issues, then you have to do this by your own. I love my family, but they blame me for many things being unmarried, being unemployed, being like a man, being alone in this life. They look at me like I better to die and leave them. I don't know but I wish if I die and let them feel good because they consider me like a nothing person. I really wanna leave this world because I had enough and I feel like i have no place to go to. I am not depressed but I had enough in this life, and I wanna experience what comes after death.

I don't ask anyone for anything and with this, they make me feel like I'm a burden on their shoulders, I tried my best to get closer to them, but they don't want me in this life, when I call, they don't answer, I just need to talk to someone, just and nothing more. I need someone to talk to, just. I don't think I'm a bad person, why I'm not like normal girls, I wish if I have a big family, like uncle, aunt...