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I know exactly how you feel, it's crazy to live they way we do but it is so hard to leave. I have been married for 6 years, I was a very calm laid back happy person and when he would get in one of his moods I would get scared, but now I just get as angry as he does and I treat him the way he treats me. He keeps telling me not to do that, that it will make it worst but being nice to him dosent make it better either. I don't think I would suggest that for every one because my marriage is not physically abusive, just verbally and emotionally. I thought acting like that would make me feel guilty but it didn't, it normally makes me proud of myself for sticking up for myself and he is allot quicker to apologize. It dosent always work though, sometimes I just have to walk away from him and make it clear to him that I dont want him to fallow me.
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Dear Women,
You poor things. It's not too late to get out. Some of you need to leave. You need to take charge and just get out as fast as you can. Once you do it, you feel suddenly feel a sense of success and happiness. I can't believe some of your parents would send you back to a man that hates you. One day, you will need to tell your parents how wrong that is....you only have one life, so live it the way you want to....even if the first step is hard and impossible. It may get worse before it gets better, but you have to do it.
jta
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I'm tired of the whining! When you get married, your life changes, and a woman takes on very different rolls. As a husband I am out in the world, and its tough. We want to come home to a safe haven, but, all we get is nagging and attitude.
Maybe my case is different. I am married to an ex druggie, and now an alcoholic. After a couple she becomes a nasty drunk. I have talked to her closest friend, and asked what I can do different. She replies that its not me.
I have read the posts, and I will stand by this statement. Women are the first people to fall in love, and the first to fall out of love! Suck it up and try being a wife, instead of a weight in his shoulders.
At least women have options. I can't leave, because even though my wife has a drug and alcohol history, the courts will automatically give her my children. If I stay, at least they have a buffer.
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The best thing that my mother ever did for the family was to leave my father. He was a violent argumentative and self-centered man. If he didnt get his way, the tea wasnt on the table at home or if he'd just had a bad day he'd take it out on her. I heard a lot of arguments and even saw the odd fight, which has often made me wonder how many fights i didnt see. After a while of taking it out on her and getting away with it he started taking it out on the kids too.
We all know that arguments happen in relationships and that its actually part of getting to further understand each other, show the difference of opinions that we never knew the other had and in a few cases that we can't work around or live with.
What there is NEVER room for though is violence. A strong, reliable and loving partner will be able to accept theyre wrong or if theyre right should be able to show you WHY. A weak and self-centered partner will only think of being right themselves no matter the cost and when this turns to violence to intimidate the other party, you know its not going to stop. I can't remember how many times I heard the mantra "Im sorry, it'll never happen again" as a kid. They may well feel remorse afterwards and say they werent themselves, but we all know thats untrue. Remorse is simply self pity, and without true empathy they wont stop.
Genuinely, do yourselves and your children a favour. Be a strong enough role model and person to tell the partner they need to change or you'll remove yourself from the situation. Courts will always side against a violent partner (especially in cases of children being involved), and if this means taking photographic evidence of injuries and/or logging a complaint with police at the time then it all helps the case.
It's not right and you should leave anybody that can't see that. Speaking from my childhood POV, It's best for all involved. I love my mother more for being strong enough to overcome her fear and doing what was right not just by her but the children.
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well, i mean, i'm not married, but my dad is the exact same way. He blows up at the randomest sh*t, and turns what could be simple bickering into critical scrutinization about everything - my "subconscious rebelliousness" my sisters intelligence, and my mom's love for him....
it's really ridiculous cause in the end he's will always find some way to come to the conclusion that we're all s**m as human beings for doing stuff like leaving the screen door open...
divorce is big. And i think it's really different for every family.
for my family, although all of us (my mom, sisters, and me) really suffer from my dad's raging and bipolarness, things would probably not get any better with a divorce simply because deep down somewhere, i know my parents still really love each other and probably wouldn't be able to go on and function without each other (not without a lot of time, at least)
there's also the added stress and pressure from the fact that we are from an asian culture, which sheds a very, VERY negative light on divorce...
and, this is a family with 3 kids, so placing all the finance and care on my mother (since I doubt any of us would want to be under my fathers custody) would be immensely stressful and draining, esp. with 2 of us in college.
i hope things work out.
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I know what you all are experiencing. My husband doesn't hit but he is verbally and emotionally abusive. I have been married 17 years to this man and have come to learn that he is negative about everything. I find myself tensing up around him when he is around. My teeth clench and I even started having to wear a mouth piece when I sleep to prevent damage to my teeth due to the teeth grinding that happens in my sleep. My husband has a negative thing to say about everybody. I have never heard him say a good thing about someone. I have never heard him compliment anyone or even say I like that guys car. If it isn't negative, you won't hear it from him. When he drives, all I hear about is bad drivers and the stupid things they do. At the store, it is about how stupid people look in what they are wearing. I have 3 daughters and they clench up around him. It is like walking on eggshells. Heck even the dog is afraid of him and the dog hides when he comes into the room. He is a control freak and I have told him this but he refuses to acknowledge it. If we are sitting watching tv and having diner. All of our 4 dogs have to sit on there beds or he is not happy. The small dog who is very afraid of him tries to sneak off and that just flares him up to the point he runs after the dog like a crazy man. My youngest daughter quickly gets up and says I will get him and she gets the dog and makes him lay on his dog bed. But for the remainder of the show and diner. I can't concentrate and neither can my daughters. They sit watching the little dog from the corner of there eye to make sure he stays. Tell me that is not controlling. He also hates when I disagree with him. All of a sudden he says I am not his wife. For goodness sakes, he gets angry and threatens me if I don't follow throw and listen to him. He says I am not trying to control you but if you do that, you are gonna see how things are gonna change around here. Naturally, I end up going with his ideas because I know things won't change for the better. It is a crazy life. I suffer from Gerd and he wonders why. He says don't stress yourself out. Wow, I wonder why I get stressed? He wants me to micromanage the kids. I work and this is hard to do and I tell him they need to learn. If they screw up, they get grounded like any other kid. For him, he would rather they not have the opportunity to mess up. He would rather I watch there every move. I have spoken to my husband so many times about how I feel and that he needs help but he always ends up saying that I am the one who is seriously mental. My children are being affected by this and I wish he would do something but I really think that I am speaking to a wall when I talk to him. He came from an alcoholic father. His father passed away due to his drinking but he doesn't think this affected him. I think that is where the control comes from. He wants to have control because he had none as a child. Life is chaotic with him now because when things are good and we seem to be doing well and the kids are happy, he seems to be waiting for the next bad thing to happen and if it doesn't, he creates chaos. I can't tell if this is all due to his alcoholic family background or if he is bipolar. He doesn't drink and never has but he sures acts like a drunk in his unpedictablility. Wish I could just walk out the door. I don't think that is gonna be very long from now because I am very fed up and if he doesn't want the help and refuses, then there is not much more I can do. I am doing my part by sticking around this long and I am willing to stick around if he gets help.
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Hi i feel here that everyone deserves the best.
So if you are planning something new.. Do consider looking back if you have some hope left.
If you find a ray of hope..Just sit down togather and try to understand whats bothering each other.
Just by writing and posting on this above will not get the frustration out...
One more thing.... its always better to pen each others positive & negative points down and exchange it.
The conclusiion here is that you improvise on the positive point & try to restrict each others negativeness, atleast in front of each other. Trust me it works.
Men are unconfident lot and need a lot of positive attention... Women only need trust and a lot of pamper with love.
As far as there is no hope in a relation its better to walk away a little to check whether you are doing it right. Before you walk away too far..
Believe me guys... togatherness was derived from a word called to...gather, it is never alone that you arrived so far
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