My husband is always angry

next time he's in jail,leave.go to a shelter in another state.change your name and social security number.you don't have to do anything you don't want to.you are 54 who knows how long you've been with him.don't you want the last chapter of your life to be good.

Wow, I didn't realize so many people were going through the same things I am. I too am dealing with an angry husband, married 17yrs five children, two of which are ours together, only three still need or financial help and four live at home. I never know what triggers his mood. I am also disabled and am getting worse so I'm not on top of my game lately, meaning cooking, cleaning, and waiting on him hand and foot. He has become to the point of breaking items in the house and I am not able to stop his ti-raid. My only option was to call the cops before it got too crazy. I think we somehow need to get them to see a counselor and if thats not possible then a time of separation might be necessary. Maybe then they will realize wether they want to remain married or not, and we can do the same. I guess my only concern is bills...will he pay them or decide to just blow them off, will he seek out female companionship? How will things be during the separation is what I think about. Alot of prayer is what I'm doing but I still want to know whats going on in his head. Sorry I'm not being much help, but dont just sit back and do nothing it will escalate. Good Luck...myhusbandismean2

How often did this husband get angry? How many years the same pattern? You said 'her sweetness would stop him being bad...' that means it took only a few years for him to change for good? You said 'a smart wife can handle an angry husband'. I think we all had tried a thousand times (count after 10 or 20 years or marriage) to be sweet with no good results, perhaps worst, `cuz they act like babies with tartrums. Don`t say we are not smart enough.

This is a very old post, but i cant help replying to it. 1. The physical abuse is an obvious red flag for Domestic Violence. 2. The verbal abuse is also a red flag for Domestic Violence. 3. The note of living in fear also an indicator of Domestic Violence. One never sits down to calmly discuss anything with a person like this. You leave them. Period. These people routinely are affected with a Personality Disorder. These are one of ten Disorders, many of them incurable, or at the very least quite intractable. These types of personalities by definition delight in destroying those closest to them because in their minds they must win at all costs, and YOU must be the loser. Typically a Victim will try seven times before she will escape her abuser. And typically the support people closest to her won't necessarily understand what is really wrong because these perpatrators are highly skilled from childhood at lying and deceiving everyone who knows the couple. I had to go through Domestic Violence Training and become a crisis counselor for a local DV crisis line to fully understand just how dangerous these guys are. Control comes in the guise of many manipulative and underhanded disarming techniques. Never underestimate them. Get Out.

I would highly recommend you get the book by james Dobson called: "Tough Love". also the book titled " I dont want a divorce" by David Clark. These books will really help to give you some excellent advice on how to deal with your spouse who has mistreated and/or cheated on you. I only wish I had read them during the first year of my marriage as it would have saved me so much grief. Good luck and God bless!

Hello Ladies

 

In all honesty I have been in a similar situation. I married my boyfriend after my first year in university. We had been together since we were 17 and when he joined the military we got engaged as later married. He has always had a temper but never has it ever been towards me. In fact I have always been the one to calm him down. He always treated me well. Right after the birth of our son her cheated on me and when I found out he told me to leave. No lie, I looked at him and cried...told him that he was making a mistake I backed my bags and boarded a flight. After a month he drove down from the base to win me back. I got back together with him and it was a rough year after that. A year where I was yelled at, treated like dirt and his temper was always directed towards me. I am a pretty reasonable women and logical. I don't just nag. There were times where he would go out drinking and not come home and when he did he was drunk or hung over and if I told him that that was unreasonable behaviour or that he should let me know he is crashing at a friends I would get yelled at and he would say terribly mean things. 

That is not all, if I would tell him he need to be more involved with his son or house work I would also get yelled at. If he mad a mistake and it lead to an argument I would get yelled at. I can withstand a lot, and I am very patient but as a strong women I refuse to be subdued to his rants so I would call him out, and although what I would say is true he would get even angrier...punch walls, through things break things. He has never hit me but he has kicked things in my direction and punches wall need my head if I am leaning against one.

 

THIS IS ABUSE. THEY ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE. So all your wonderful ladies need to get out! I did

 

The night he yelled at me because I told him he need to do his half of the chores he got so mad he toppled the couch kicked things and almost nailed my kid in the head. That was it for me. I went through this sh*t for a year and I wasnt letting it happen anymore. I boarded a flight and got the f*** outta there.

 

We cannot change them after a certain time people are just who they are and you can either live with all the abuse and let your kids witness it or you can leave...struggle a bit and make a good life for yourself. Yeah they can be sweet and loving but its a measure to keep you. If should be the other way around. 

 

I was 21 when I married him. I am indian and left my family for this guy, gave up going to school and quite my great job to follow him to his base. I am now 23 and back at home, back in school and around family. I am better off. 

 

My Gfs husband, you know what he does when he gets angry with her. He tells her he is upset with her. He doesnt need to yell and say mean sh*t. He discusses it like a  normal person. .

my dear,
you are not worthless. I think you just took a big first step when you wrote what's going on in your life. In my opinion, the only way to break the cycle is not to raise children surrounded by their mean angry abusive parent. If your child grows up in that environment she's very likely to either be an abusive person herself or marry an abusive men when she's old enough, remember kids learn by example. Make a plan, save money, talk to friends who are living somewhere you'd like to go, ask people for advice, don't be ashamed anymore. As far as I've read having a young child makes it easier to leave than having SEVERAL young children. Leave while you can, it only gets worse.

I`m far away from home, living in another continent, total different culture, difficult language and above all I`m living with an angry husband.

I think that participating in this forum have given me a bigger picture about what`s happening in my life and in the lifes of millions

of ladies married to angry husbands.  Each of us decides according to our situations and maturity.  Perhaps, some of us don`t think

that money is not an obstacle for leaving a husband.  Other women, aren`t healthy enough to work hard and protect their family.

What I`m afraid of is how we confuse love with some kind of masochism, maybe we`ll never know how much of each we have.

I`m afraid how religion can force us indirectly -most of the religions say they don`t force you, you decide-  to stick to our angry

husband. I`d belonged to a very strict religion where men are everything, women obey men decide in the congregation and at

home. This give more power to the angry husband and matter gets worst in this 'religious family', all keep in secret. That`s why it

terrifies me when I read  in this forum  that the infinite patience of a women smooth the anger of her

husband, and that`s why she is qualified as 'a wise wife'. I was there, with my Bible preaching to many women, reading the

qualities of love: forgiveness, infinite patience, etc.etc. What I don`t regret is that I was not that much dogmatic as other ladies

of my congregation, I didn`t judge neither put them names like 'pagan' Can you imagine how religious women feel because

if you want to divorce your husband you might go to hell or you are going against God`s word in the Bible?

. In this world there is variety of everything: different

kind of flowers, animals, persons and in marriage there is no one way of solving a problem, like just patience. Of course, there

are things that has only one way of behaving, like not killing or not stealing (even in this cases we may find exceptions) but

we can`t have one formula for this angry gentlemen. I`m over my 50s and I look back and say why did I wait so much time

to leave him? I hope younger ladies could leave before they get neurotic after living with an angry man. You`ll get anxiety,

panic attacks, lot of crying alone, horrible scenes in front of your children, little by little you wil doubt and think what your

husband is saying  about you is true: you are dummy, insecure, histeric, weak, etc. etc. You will end sitting at his side

watching tv, eating and eating with him, maybe you`ll end alcoholic like him, all because you want to be a good wife, sharing

his 'hobbies'. And you will leave a side your constructive hobbies like reading, obtaining a new profession (if you do these he`ll

say is a waist of time and money). You`ll feel weird when you see your husband suddenly turning nice and you know is it

for: sex and/or remorse of having you treating bad that day? And you will be trapped because you are a good person (or

stupid, as I have been saying it to me thousands of time, 22 years of marriage. 22: 360x22: 7,920 days! What about the

effect on your kids? My kids are grown up now and I`ll tell the bad temper, bad habits, low motivation in life of him had

affect the characters of my children. My angry husband was not only a man with bad temper but negativist, lack of

motivation in life andtoo much self-sufficient, so he didn`t need to learn anything, his own experience and what his 'mom' taught

was enough.  This angry man is a gentleman outside the house and I had never say anything about him to nobody,

neither my mom or friends. 'Say it! say it! tell everyone how I am!' he always screams to me. But he knows I won`t do it.

2013 is a year where I had started not doing new things but leaving things.  I had around three jobs. One was damaging

my neck and back, the other one was too much job and little payment.  And about three days ago, I told my husband

that I want the divorce. After a tantrum he accepted.  Now he`s being nice with me (he had cooked all day yesterday)

and I recognize that my pattern is  still there ('he`s changing') but I`m aware too that he can`t control his temper

either he tries to simulate.  For the first time, I said I want the divorce and I mean it and for the first time I`m not

listening to my conditioned reaction (he`s changing') I`m only perceiving the reality. Sorry my bad English and this

long play.  

 

 

I just have to say something on this topic, although I am not looking for an answer - I know what the answer should be but I am so annoyed with myself for hanging on.  Nearly 20 years I have been with this guy and we have a 16 year old son.  He has always been control freaky and/ or particular about how he likes things.  Sometimes at first I would like that and sometimes it would drive me crazy.  

I was raised in a pretty relaxed nice family that cared for each other and there were never any harsh words, except when us children would be disciplined by our parents when small.  Otherwise, relaxed about food, playing, fun, humour etc all good.  Somehow or other I have ended up with the person who has endless tantrums about food, about dishes, about money, about the behaviour of our son.  He blows up continually and yells at the boy every opportunity he gets.  He never but never sounds affectionate or kind.  He doesn't do kind.  As a result, we b***h and argue with each other all the time.  In fact I can't talk to him really as he brings the absolute worst out in me.  If I want to have a slow chatty conversation, he doesn't listen to me but is just waiting his time before he can jump in and tell me some long rambling story ever so funny to him but not to anyone else.  While I am talking he is looking at his watch, thinking about the TV program he wants to watch in 5 minutes, etc

I know that if my son walks into the room he is in, with some innocent question or comment, within 30 seconds there will be yelling and shouting.  The yelling will be maybe: YOU don't know the meaning of money! or If YOU were to listen to me you might LEARN something! or You might learn from someone with EXPERIENCE.  I never get any RESPECT!  etc etc ad nauseam.  The troubling aspect of all this is that he cannot see it and cannot discuss this like a 'normal person'.  If I were to say, 'Perhaps this year we should decorate the living room," his reply will be a raging rant about lack of money (not true), lack of time or the last time i got someone in to do work and they were 'cowboys'.  If I talk about holidays then I get a raging rant about money, worthless people who always want to go on holiday etc etc

He has always had one consuming hobby (photography) which means that he doesn't have any time for family affairs.  He has never in our life together suggested anything which would take more than an hour together because his time is so valuable to him. He talks about how we have 'stolen his life from him'.  I think he has some secret idea that he is a special person with a special future, reincarnated from somebody famous (he has never admitted who this is).  He is driven by his own needs.  I see now that he never ever wanted to be a family man.  One of his favourite anecdotes (whenever I used to complain) is about a young couple he knew when he was at university who 'used to go to the toilet together they were so dependent.'  This to him is the pits.  I used to often suggest that he could take up some hobby with our son, eg golf or something, but when it came down to it he just would not give the time.  They share nothing.

I have recently had an extraordinary revelation.  I read 50 Shades of Grey (having at first said I wouldn't go near such a trashy book!).  I realised that he is, like Christian Grey in the book, incapable of having a normal sharing relationship.  In the early days of our sexual relationship he used to want me to dress up in high boots, shiny plastic and use a whip.  At first I played along with this reluctantly.  I didn't really like it but went along with it because I loved him and thought he would change and see the strength of our love and cease to need this.  I used to feel very cheap as a result of this type of lovemaking.  Eventually I threw the riding crop in a river along with the plastic gloves etc !!  However sex was not satisfactory.  He tended to prematurely ejaculate, got annoyed when I asked for specific things, and would only seem to get properly excited if I wore high boots.  eg. I would ask him to pleasure me with the sensitive tips of his fingers; he would do this for approx 30 seconds, then because he couldn't be bothered continuing like that and found it easier, he would use his knuckles.  I would protest (you can always tell the difference) and he would fly into a rage and call me impossible!  We have not had sex now for at least 10 years.

Wow!  When I read that book and started to research BDSM sex I could see that he has never been able to sustain the kind of ordinary sexual lovemaking that I was always craving.  (Christian Grey says in the book, "I don't make love, I f**k, hard.")  

Suffice it to say, I think I have landed myself with a man with a personality disorder.  He's not violent (only looks it when in a rage, all pointy face and nose and chin and fingers, hunched shoulders), works hard (too hard), is reliable and doesn't play around I don't think (although perhaps he should have when I rejected the BDSM).

Oh God, any advice or comments?  He is getting worse now he is 60.

 

It looks like you have continue writing about my life except that my husband hadn`t gone to the university ; my husband is good in bed and I don`t come from a lovely family. At least you have nice memory of your childhood.
How many times I`ve told my husband to be compassionated with me. My parents left me and I ended in my very explosive aunt`s house and sometimes in my very explosive grandpa`s house. When after many years I was taken
to another country to live with my biological parents I was traumatized with my violent father. My mother divorce him
(she never knew about my father`s abusive behavior until later) and living with my single mother was just horrible.
I remember when teen I said to myself 'I`ll never be like her, I`ll be patience, nice, positive toward life'. My husband
knows all the story and I`ve begged him not to be always angry, that I have enough but can`t control himself.
If his 60 how old are you? It`s not all about just leaving him. You have to think about budget, legal and other issues.
I know how hurts so bad to see your boy (specially boys because with your daughters you can armonize better) begging for love from his idol, father.

Hi Charley
What keeps you with this man - does he have a good side as well? Is it money or security? Is there someone else you would like to be with? Do you guys have any other children? How do they feel? It sounds like he isn't helping them out much. Maybe getting out is best - are you 60 as well? I'm guessing a bit younger.
I was with someone bad-tempered as well - things got better recently - we're still together. He complains a lot - I'd like someone who tells me jokes.
Well that's all for now. Good luck charley
Belle

Have some boundries, dont put up with abuse, walk away from him.. Go and do something you enjoy. When he's calmed down try and talk sense with him and tell him how you feel, tell him what you want in your marriage, and what your not going to put up with anymore. Have consequences, if he wants to act like a child, he'll have consequences like a child. If its dangerous call the police!

Same story here....not sure which action or question of mine will suddenly put him on fire. but i can suggest people like this don't deserve anything. even after they've been through hell taking care of their own selves they will never understand what we have done for them. i think i would now want to kick his ass off and move on to a better and happier life without him but i will still tolerate everything because i don't want my kids to suffer the pain of separation and being distributed each day amongst us. i want to give them a life together with both their parents and one day i will be happier when he dies...............

Hi Deborah. I don`t know how attractive you are, your age or any other factor that influence on men to feel attracted to you but why among million of man that are out there, you only chose him? I mean, if he have showed that you are the only one who he needs. You don`t tell much about your relationship: were you a bitter, irresponsible, usually didn`t have sex with him `cuz you were too tired?... If he hasn`t any excuse to do what is totally unacceptable for other women (others would just say good bye for ever or throw his belonging outside the house) why insist with him? Gosh look at you as a second person, close your eyes and see how you`re begging and he is happy out there doing what ever who knows and you boo hoo boo hoo, come on! love yourself. Afte many decades I found out that if you love yourself (the healthy way, not narcisist...) the others will do as well. He is not 'keep doing it yo you' YOU ARE! when you let this kind of man treat you as he does. Next time be completely yourself (if you are a natural 'quiet' person be that way, you`ll find someone who fits you), before living again together put on the table many issues: budget, loyalty, etc. and if he (the new one) brakes the 'contract' maybe sayounara. At my age, we prefer to be alone and doesn`t mean being alone, I assure you (Kelly Clarkson song, Stronger). According to the Fractal Time this is our cycle girl, women is getting powerful, is your opportunity to grow. I`m stuck into a marriage until my last kid graduate and then I will leave him and start my own life not his. Many of us (women) end up living the man`s life: we dress like he wants, stick to him when he watches soccer, baseball.... we leave aside our hobbies, studies,etc. and then what? Never leave yourself aside, a good man would never ask you to do that.

Hello, Let me just say that each situation is going to be different. In my situation I wake up every morning at 4 a.m. and go to work. I get home around 4:30 and then I cook dinner and clean my house every day because my husband refuses to do anything around the house. Now let me just say that I love him very much and that he is a great guy when he wants to be. I do not nag and I think that is my problem. Maybe I should say something to him and then he will start helping me. My day does not stop until 9 at night and then two seconds after I hit the pillow I am sleeping. My husband is very angry all the time and I would understand if I was constantly bitching at him but I am the type to be passive instead of aggressive. I know that some women though take it to far and nag way to much which may be your situation. What I do not understand is why a man feels he has the right to come home to a safe haven but the woman cant do the same. Especially if we work just as hard as the man. On top of everything else I am going to school for two seperate degrees. One in accounting and the other in criminal justice. I am tired but am unappreciated. What would you do if your woman never nagged, always made your meals and kept your house clean, went to work everyday and was also going to college to make the future of her family better in the long run? I am by far perfect, I have my days but I know that I do not deserve the meaness that he shows me on a daily basis. What in your opinion should I do about that. Get this, I also let him go out with his friends whenever he wants which is not very often but I do not complain when he does. Danielle