I am 20 years old and am in a relationship with a guy who I believe I am in love with. The problems starts way back when I was younger like 7-8 my dad was very aggressive at home and would occasionally hurt the entire family once he had lost his temper. This would only really happen if he had been drinking but being such a goin age I was terrified of my own dad. I grew up with my two sisters in this environment and then they both left home. By this age I was about 13-14 and my instead of lashing out at me violently my dad would call me far and ugly and really put me down. When I was 16 I met my first love who I was with for 4 years. At first I was like most girls at school worried about my boyfriend cheating on me so we had a few arguments I was jealous about him having girl mates, so he stopped. Everything was perfect for the first two years. After that I started realising that I was a little overweight as I had grown so comfortable in my environment. I was always looking in the mirror and upset that I didn't look anything like my friends or have the nice glossy hair I always wanted and the nice slim body. I then tried to do something about it but my boyfriend told me he didn't like me to change so I stopped and went back to being comfortable and over snacking. By the time I was 17 I started developing crushes on people outside of the relationship which I never told my boyfriend because I knew he would be upset and I wouldn't like it if he did. It started getting out of control and I couldn't even look at another guy without fantasising about what a relationship with him would be like. At the time This was very new to me so I enjoyed it. At this time I had also started my first year of college and met some new people including guys. I then grew a really good friendship with a few of those guys and was upset to find out they wouldn't be in my class for the next year of college so I would see them outside of college. I then met so Of their new friends and developed a crush on one particular guy. He seems nice to me and I was very attracted to him. For 3 whole years I had been a faithful girlfriend and the idea of cheating was terrible! I connected great to my boyfriend but something wasn't right I didn't feel satisfied so I cheated on him with this guy I had met through my college friends. I felt so bad about it but after a while of doing it Didn't bother me so I continued. The guy knew I was still with my boyfriend and we had planned to tell him together. My boyfriend then found out about the cheating due to my suspicious behaviour and he wa snooping through my phone. I made up a lie to cover it all up and ended the affair with this other guy. Everything was great for about a month but i still wanst happy so i signed up to adating site and was talking to a few guys but the decided i dosnt really want that. my boyfriend was so paranoid and i ended the relationship at 4 years because I couldn't deal with the trust issues and lieing to him. I had lost a fair amount of weight because of this. I then met another guy whilst being single and felt good that I wouldn't have to cheat. We were together for 4 months and in that time I realised how badly addicted to drugs he was and alcohol I was very fond of him so I stuck by him and tried to help him but it wasn't working I would find out he had been swing strippers and it hurt. We still tried to make it work anyway however I then fell pregnant and we were going to keep the baby until we got into arguments due to my hormones and other stuff. I was incredibly insecure about myself and scared for the relationship to end. I felt the need to lie to him to make myself seem better. I would lie about things just because I wanted attention. But he left me while I was pregnant because he couldn't deal with me. I was heart broken and decided to abort the baby because of my lack of strength in myself and the reminder of my boyfriend. It hurt so much to go through it but the stress made me lose so much weight that I become slightly confident again. I then met my current boyfriend today who made me forget about all the bad things and it was great these first two months however lately I have become insecure, paranoid and emotional again. I lie to him again to make myself seem worthy to keep. I can't stop lying to him! I am failing college and may have to quit as all this has happene in the time I have been at college. We argue a LOT I have the decided to snoop through his phone and found message saying he was cheating on me I confronted him about it and he said it was just a lie to his friend to make him seem more of a 'man' or to look cool! I somehow relate to that because I do it but I just don't trust him. I have become possessive and stalking his privacy. I managed to find out his Facebook password that I check every single day. I can't sleep and when I do is only because I use pills to do it. I have suicidal thoughts occasionally because of the build up of college stress, my own insecurities, my bad relationship with my dad and my trust issues with my boyfriend. I am a size 10-12 UK clothes size at 20 years old who gets a lot of attention from guys. Thats what i wanted..I would never cheat on my boyfriend because of my past experiences and I love him but I have no idea why I have become this person. I have too many different personalities in one person. I can't stop lying to people, I can't stop being jealous and insecure I need help!!