Last week, I got a text from my girlfriend of 17 months telling me we needed to talk. We are both 22, and she is a senior in a college outside the major city I work in (I graduated last year, and we continue to see each other every weekend.) Our relationship has been as close to perfect as anyone could imagine--we share almost every interest, agree on pretty much everything, and the sex is frequently incredible, although her sex drive has always far surpassed mine. (I should also mention that she is Bipolar, although has been taking medication for that as well as her OCD and ADHD.)
I went to see her, and she was distraught to tell me that two nights previously, she had impulsively slept with one of her best guy friends. She assured me multiple times that she still loved me, but was very confused emotionally. While I was shocked and saddened, I was sure that it was a decision informed by the incredible academic stress she has been under, which has also been causing her to slide into depression. Sex has always been a coping mechanism for her, and unfortunately for me, I wasn't there on a night when she apparently needed it very, very badly.
I told her I forgave her, and was committed to working the problem out with her together, and spent the rest of the day (and night) with her as we always did--cooking, watching movies, and having lots of sex--and it felt like nothing in our relationship had changed.
Then, after I left to go back home, she cut off contact with me. I found out through friends that she was continuing to see and have sex with her guy friend--much rougher, borderline dangerous sex than we ever have, as it has come out--and her friends and family contacted me saying they were worried for both her physical and mental safety, as when they would talk to her, she seemed like a completely different person. Finally, after having a nervous breakdown, and at the insistence of her family, she has begun therapy. I went to see her for the first time since last night, and she indeed seemed like somebody who only vaguely resembled my girlfriend. She was cold and guarded, and nothing at all like the person I loved so much. She told me like she felt like she was in a very dark place, and explained that, at her therapist's suggestion, she needed to take some time off from our relationship; furthermore, she confessed that she wasn't sure she loved me in the same way she used to (i.e. a week ago). She claimed that she has also stopped seeing the other guy, but I am convinced from seeing images of herself that she has posted on her sex tumblr --which she started about a month before the incident, and updated with alarming frequency-- that she is lying, and they are continuing their rough and potentially dangerous sexual relationship.
Though it is very difficult for me, I am honoring her wishes, and will not be in contact with her for two months. I am sure that she is in the middle of a hypersexual episode, and I am worried that when she comes out of it, she will not be able to recognize that she does not really love the current guy she is seeing, and that the sexual thrill she is currently feeling cannot match the love I can provide her. I still love her, despite all that has happened, but I worry that I may never see that wonderful person I love so much ever return to me.
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I don't see a question or anything but I want to show solidarity with you. It obviously seems that sh*t hath thoroughly hit the fan but from what you've said I can honestly say that you are a true man. You are showing maturity and care and I truly think your attitude is admirable. Having undiagnosed mood problems that have caused relationship problems for me in the past I know how awful things can be and I can say that if she is similar to me, it is impossible to explain or even understand what one is thinking. It is hard to advise on what would be the best course to have but I don't think much can be done proactively. You need to decide that when the mood breaks, which it more than likely will, if she comes back to you can you live with knowing and dreading what she has done and might have done? If you think you can cope with that you need to then ask yourself, could you cope with it if it happens again? It is not unlikely that it could happen again. If she comes back to you and promises that it will never happen again you need to sit her down and say that you know she cannot promise that but you are prepared to help her and work through whatever mood shifts she has to endure.Do not feel bad if you feel as though you have to bow out. You would not be a bad guy, only a guy looking out for his future. There is no shame in that.
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I hate to say this, but it sounds to me as if she is slowly but surely turning into a compulsive liar. The only reason I can think of why she does not want you to know the truth about her and this other guy is because she is afraid you will move on without her and forget about her. People only feel this way and play these games when they know they have lost a good thing, which would be you of course. I'm sure she knows what a great person you are to have as a friend and lover, and to lose a package deal like that would be devastating to her because it speaks of foolishness on her part and poor decision making skills. It is possible she knows you are too good for her, and to compensate for this fact, she has resorted to living in her head by thinking she has someone better than what she already had.
When reality strikes her like a ton of bricks (and it will one day when the smoke clears in her head) the big question will be if whether or not you will take her back when she comes asking. Oh believe me, she will. They all do. Just remember when that day comes, she may or may not be telling the truth about whatever she says to try to win your heart over to her again. Give it time, relax and wait, and observe her very closely. Make sure her words match up to her actions. In the meantime, take good care of yourself and find a distraction while time passes during the healing process. And do not worry that you will ever be alone. You won't. In fact, there is no reason why anyone on this earth should be alone unless they choose to be.
Take care, and good luck!
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Thanks your insight and support. As I come up to the start of our third week of no contact, I can only hope that beginning therapy has been beneficial for my girlfriend. Hopefully she is beginning to see that she doesn't have to lie to me to try to 'protect me' from herself, and that this new man she is seeing cannot love her like I do.
Still, I know I run the risk of being hurt again. I am trying as hard as I can to live in the moment now and for myself, and to not let this keep me from moving ahead in my life. I know that the love we shared may never return. All the same, I have hope that it might. I want to be there with her to help her work through whatever she is going through. Cutting off all contact with her once was painful enough, I hope I don't have to do it a second time.
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You're a bigger man than I. I couldn't take someone back after them cheating on me and having sex with many other men. Just bear in mind that if she is bipolar it will go in cycles and it's the most probable scenario that this mania will return. If this has been super painful for you then you should imagine it happening all over again because it is likely that it might.
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