I do not know if this is some health problem but it seems much more like an emotional one. I had a bad past (I really do not want to explain.. because I tried earlier and ended up crying for like whole day.. it isn't that bad in general but think that is my personal bias) It's just like an abusive drunkard father and constant troubles in the home... it's a common problem but I think I am just overly sentimental.
So as a result of that I kind of never learned to make friends. I am 18 now, and like never got a friend that lives near home. The only people I ever made friends were those that were in my class, but never talked to them about personal things, and like even now never give them my home address, telephone number, and so on..
And then got this friend last year, she finally made me talk about personal things to her, and tried to change behavior a little. But I could never change, and so that one's also slipping away now. I kind of got in love with her, but never declared because think I am too imperfect. Whenever I think of love, that means I need to fit in this world and have a good job, a good salary, and so on.. but it often result in desperation. Though, it gives me a purpose which otherwise completely diminishes from my life, and all of sudden suicidial thoughts also come up since there is no purpose left.. And since now she is gone so I really dunn know what I am even making my life for when there is no one...


I really dunn know even there is a solution to this. Though some poeple would say that's just a normal pain, and it's my stage where I get this kind of pain but it is really hard to bear. I dunn know how to get rid of this all.
I thought sometime thinking of going to a physiologist but maybe because I am shy and then I never let anyone know what's going on my head... not even my parents.. so it's really hard to reach a doctor because I cannot do that on my own, and I really can't express myself.
I would be really thankful if someone has a solution for this thing...

Thanks.