Hey, glad to hear your feeling a bit better on day 9. Its nearly 5am here and will be a week today since I started this journey. So day 8 here I come!
Yeah, I have work this week too (in about 4 hrs!). In a way, I think it’s good that we have something to take our minds off this...but not always. I have actually found the mornings easier at work. I just need to get in, sit at my desk and get on with it. It takes my mind off the withdrawals, as does the crazy ppl I work with. However, last week I found I just couldn’t cope with a whole day so I have booked in some half days (I am now working Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday mornings and then full days Thursday and Friday). The weakness did me in last week- some days on the way home I thought I would collapse, but like I said, mornings were ok ish.
Ok, so this weekend I realised what people have been talking about when they say you get depression. After I wrote my last post, I was like ‘’right I aint going to sit here feeling sorry for myself. I am going to have a nice bath and then go for a walk to the shops”. So, I did the bath (supposed to be relaxing right?) but afterwards, just fell on the bed in an exhausted heap. I lay there for an hour and then forced myself to get dressed and started doing my make up......didn’t get very far because I was crying so much ...where did that come from????!! I just couldn’t stop bawling....I gave up on the make up and thought “f**k it, I’ll go without it” (unknown for me, but I just didn’t care I felt SOOO down).
I walked to my local Starbucks, 5 mins away STILL crying (had my sunglasses on so no one could really see, but like I said, I just didn’t care). I ordered my fave frapuccino (I have found that’s one thing I still have an appetite for at the moment) and then, to cut a long story short, spent most of the day, sitting in the park just reading and thinking. I felt better after a day lying in the sun and the tears and depression went away after a while (there is only so much you can cry anyway eh??)
....i just needed to be out of the house, away from my partner, away from the cats.......away from everything.
I walked around a bit too, as yeah, I have read that we should be getting some exercise and that was good because it exhausted me. By the time I got home about 6pm, forced some dinner down me, and lay down, I was half asleep. I headed up to bed about 8pm (way too early), and took a sleeping pill, but as always, it doesn’t REALLY work- I have just been lying here drifting in and out of sleep since then....but hey, it’s better than nothing.
I totally feel for you having to do laundry!! I haven’t managed any of that at all. Thank god for my partner, who has cooked, cleaned and washed for a week now. If he wasn’t here it just wouldn’t get done.....well, not for a while anyway.
Yes, I have heard that sub detox can last a month. I have also heard other horror stories that sub destroys something in the brain which means you will suffer depression forever....surely that can’t be right??? Have you felt the depression? You sound like you are coping fairly well to be honest. I am finding everything comes in waves at the moment. I don’t feel depressed now, but who knows how I will feel later today (especially if someone pi**es me off at work!!)
Thank you for being a friend- you are not alone. Good luck with work this week- you will be totally fine!!!
Stay strong and stay in touch ok?!!
Yeah, I have work this week too (in about 4 hrs!). In a way, I think it’s good that we have something to take our minds off this...but not always. I have actually found the mornings easier at work. I just need to get in, sit at my desk and get on with it. It takes my mind off the withdrawals, as does the crazy ppl I work with. However, last week I found I just couldn’t cope with a whole day so I have booked in some half days (I am now working Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday mornings and then full days Thursday and Friday). The weakness did me in last week- some days on the way home I thought I would collapse, but like I said, mornings were ok ish.
Ok, so this weekend I realised what people have been talking about when they say you get depression. After I wrote my last post, I was like ‘’right I aint going to sit here feeling sorry for myself. I am going to have a nice bath and then go for a walk to the shops”. So, I did the bath (supposed to be relaxing right?) but afterwards, just fell on the bed in an exhausted heap. I lay there for an hour and then forced myself to get dressed and started doing my make up......didn’t get very far because I was crying so much ...where did that come from????!! I just couldn’t stop bawling....I gave up on the make up and thought “f**k it, I’ll go without it” (unknown for me, but I just didn’t care I felt SOOO down).
I walked to my local Starbucks, 5 mins away STILL crying (had my sunglasses on so no one could really see, but like I said, I just didn’t care). I ordered my fave frapuccino (I have found that’s one thing I still have an appetite for at the moment) and then, to cut a long story short, spent most of the day, sitting in the park just reading and thinking. I felt better after a day lying in the sun and the tears and depression went away after a while (there is only so much you can cry anyway eh??)
....i just needed to be out of the house, away from my partner, away from the cats.......away from everything.
I walked around a bit too, as yeah, I have read that we should be getting some exercise and that was good because it exhausted me. By the time I got home about 6pm, forced some dinner down me, and lay down, I was half asleep. I headed up to bed about 8pm (way too early), and took a sleeping pill, but as always, it doesn’t REALLY work- I have just been lying here drifting in and out of sleep since then....but hey, it’s better than nothing.
I totally feel for you having to do laundry!! I haven’t managed any of that at all. Thank god for my partner, who has cooked, cleaned and washed for a week now. If he wasn’t here it just wouldn’t get done.....well, not for a while anyway.
Yes, I have heard that sub detox can last a month. I have also heard other horror stories that sub destroys something in the brain which means you will suffer depression forever....surely that can’t be right??? Have you felt the depression? You sound like you are coping fairly well to be honest. I am finding everything comes in waves at the moment. I don’t feel depressed now, but who knows how I will feel later today (especially if someone pi**es me off at work!!)
Thank you for being a friend- you are not alone. Good luck with work this week- you will be totally fine!!!
Stay strong and stay in touch ok?!!
Loading...
Hi Hanna,
First of all, congratulations on day 8! Secondly, and I'll use a phrase from your part of the world, I believe the life-long depression is simply bullocks! Many of us become addicted to opiates because we are filling an emptiness whether it's emotional, psychological, physiological or all of the above. I don't doubt that some of these folks do indeed experience depression for months if not years but depression may have been the underlying problem to begin with before they began abusing drugs. That's not to say that there won't be some short-acting depression which makes sense because these chemicals do alter normal brain function but the body has an almost miraculous way of healing itself.
I have experienced some depression here and there but it hasn't been too debilitating and hopefully this to will go away soon. Some people also experience PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome) after long term opiate abuse and subsequent sobriety. I don't think either of us should focus on what negative side effects we may or may not have but rather think about a future where we can live like most everyone else and experience all of life's emotions without hiding behind a fog of addiction. Here's a positive fact for you; Your sex drive is going to go through the roof when all if this c**p is finally out of your system so your boyfriend and you are gonna have a LOT of fun!!! Also, you'll once again know what it's like to feel "natural" happiness when good things happen in your life. And best of all you'll feel all the wonderful feelings that accompany love.
I have to wake up at 3AM this morning to take a colleague to the airport and head to the office shortly after so I need to get to bed now since its 9:27PM.
I PROMISE to keep in touch as I hope you will as well. Keep strong Hanna, you have more strength than you know. When I wake up it will be day 10...double digits! Oh boy! Have a wonderful day and I'll chat with you soon!
Best Regards,
-R
First of all, congratulations on day 8! Secondly, and I'll use a phrase from your part of the world, I believe the life-long depression is simply bullocks! Many of us become addicted to opiates because we are filling an emptiness whether it's emotional, psychological, physiological or all of the above. I don't doubt that some of these folks do indeed experience depression for months if not years but depression may have been the underlying problem to begin with before they began abusing drugs. That's not to say that there won't be some short-acting depression which makes sense because these chemicals do alter normal brain function but the body has an almost miraculous way of healing itself.
I have experienced some depression here and there but it hasn't been too debilitating and hopefully this to will go away soon. Some people also experience PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome) after long term opiate abuse and subsequent sobriety. I don't think either of us should focus on what negative side effects we may or may not have but rather think about a future where we can live like most everyone else and experience all of life's emotions without hiding behind a fog of addiction. Here's a positive fact for you; Your sex drive is going to go through the roof when all if this c**p is finally out of your system so your boyfriend and you are gonna have a LOT of fun!!! Also, you'll once again know what it's like to feel "natural" happiness when good things happen in your life. And best of all you'll feel all the wonderful feelings that accompany love.
I have to wake up at 3AM this morning to take a colleague to the airport and head to the office shortly after so I need to get to bed now since its 9:27PM.
I PROMISE to keep in touch as I hope you will as well. Keep strong Hanna, you have more strength than you know. When I wake up it will be day 10...double digits! Oh boy! Have a wonderful day and I'll chat with you soon!
Best Regards,
-R
Loading...
hey, yes, I will try to stay strong ...you too....i have just got to the office...8.45am...way too early for me (i am one of them ppl who usually rushes in late!!!)....
I feel like total cr*ap this morning...I will be honest with you- i think thats my fault....i didnt tell the whole truth when i told you what i did yesterday...i felt soooo down and so helpless after i had that bath that i took a crumb of sub (literally 1mm of a .4). I know i know...stupid, but i just didnt care at the time....
that was what helped me walk around and be normal for just a few hrs...but i guess i am paying the price now!
I know I am just prolonging my agony, so i cant do that again.
I wont write too much now as you are hopefuly in dream land! I will no doubt check in later, and let you know how I get thru today (finish work at midday thank god- may try the park again if its sunny...)
Good luck with day 10!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Han xxx
s chance whilst its quiet in the office to do some much needed work (wasnt on top form last week!!).
I feel like total cr*ap this morning...I will be honest with you- i think thats my fault....i didnt tell the whole truth when i told you what i did yesterday...i felt soooo down and so helpless after i had that bath that i took a crumb of sub (literally 1mm of a .4). I know i know...stupid, but i just didnt care at the time....
that was what helped me walk around and be normal for just a few hrs...but i guess i am paying the price now!
I know I am just prolonging my agony, so i cant do that again.
I wont write too much now as you are hopefuly in dream land! I will no doubt check in later, and let you know how I get thru today (finish work at midday thank god- may try the park again if its sunny...)
Good luck with day 10!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Han xxx
s chance whilst its quiet in the office to do some much needed work (wasnt on top form last week!!).
Loading...
Me again. ....just got home. Went via the park, but didn’t make me feel any better....felt goddamn awful.
I went to the health food shop first...it’s like I am trying to find that miracle cure to make me feel better, but nothing seems to work...still. I bought some l-tyrosine (whatever it’s called), some protein bars (OMG, They taste DISGUSTING!! Lol) and some Cranberry juice....I have spent a small fortune in the last week or so on pills and potions!! but I am thinking that this thing may last a month or 2, so I will need a bit of help....even if its psychological.
I called my key worker whilst in the office earlier. I realise there’s not much he can say when I tell him how terrible I feel. He did say I would feel a whole lot better “this time next week”...like I was supposed to be happy about that.....I wanted him to say I would feel better “this time tomorrow”!!!!
Then he went onto say that I would feel bad for a “couple of months”....full of contradictions is my key worker...this is the same guy who told me I wouldn’t even get withdrawal symptoms cos I was only taking .4!!! I know he means well. But I wish he would make up his mind!! I am going to see him tomorrow to get a check up from the Doc (have a moan and a cry no doubt) and get more sleeping pills. Amazing how easy they want to give them out when they don’t want you to go back on heroin (no chance)
ANYWAY! I didn’t come on here to have a moan (cant help myself)...thought I would lighten the mood by telling you what I have received in the post today via eBay. These are things I ordered last week, in an attempt to give myself some energy...(told u I had spent a small fortune)
1/ Guarana ‘powder’....what the hell am I supposed to do with it??? ....I know....I didn’t think this thru when I bought it....do I just eat it, or put it in a spliff and smoke it???? or do I sprinkle it on my chips later??? (sorry....’fries’).....lol....
joking....think I am supposed to put it in a smoothie or something (like I have the energy for that!!).
2/ the other thing that arrived (along with some other boring vitamins) is called an ‘Aero Shot’....really strange contraption......it’s like an asthma inhaler, but when you inhale, you get a lungful of raspberry caffeine.....Totally unpleasant at first, but it HAS given me a bit of energy.....only a tinsy bit which will no doubt be cancelled out later....but hey....it’s a novelty to not feel like I am waking thru mud for 5 mins
Ok, so there u go....that’s my day....
how have you got on at work so far? I know it’s really hard trying to be normal right now....
hope you are coping?
Han
I went to the health food shop first...it’s like I am trying to find that miracle cure to make me feel better, but nothing seems to work...still. I bought some l-tyrosine (whatever it’s called), some protein bars (OMG, They taste DISGUSTING!! Lol) and some Cranberry juice....I have spent a small fortune in the last week or so on pills and potions!! but I am thinking that this thing may last a month or 2, so I will need a bit of help....even if its psychological.
I called my key worker whilst in the office earlier. I realise there’s not much he can say when I tell him how terrible I feel. He did say I would feel a whole lot better “this time next week”...like I was supposed to be happy about that.....I wanted him to say I would feel better “this time tomorrow”!!!!
Then he went onto say that I would feel bad for a “couple of months”....full of contradictions is my key worker...this is the same guy who told me I wouldn’t even get withdrawal symptoms cos I was only taking .4!!! I know he means well. But I wish he would make up his mind!! I am going to see him tomorrow to get a check up from the Doc (have a moan and a cry no doubt) and get more sleeping pills. Amazing how easy they want to give them out when they don’t want you to go back on heroin (no chance)
ANYWAY! I didn’t come on here to have a moan (cant help myself)...thought I would lighten the mood by telling you what I have received in the post today via eBay. These are things I ordered last week, in an attempt to give myself some energy...(told u I had spent a small fortune)
1/ Guarana ‘powder’....what the hell am I supposed to do with it??? ....I know....I didn’t think this thru when I bought it....do I just eat it, or put it in a spliff and smoke it???? or do I sprinkle it on my chips later??? (sorry....’fries’).....lol....
joking....think I am supposed to put it in a smoothie or something (like I have the energy for that!!).
2/ the other thing that arrived (along with some other boring vitamins) is called an ‘Aero Shot’....really strange contraption......it’s like an asthma inhaler, but when you inhale, you get a lungful of raspberry caffeine.....Totally unpleasant at first, but it HAS given me a bit of energy.....only a tinsy bit which will no doubt be cancelled out later....but hey....it’s a novelty to not feel like I am waking thru mud for 5 mins
Ok, so there u go....that’s my day....
how have you got on at work so far? I know it’s really hard trying to be normal right now....
hope you are coping?
Han
Loading...
Hi Hanna,
Don't worry one bit about taking the little bit of Sub you took yesterday. I'm not sure if I mentioned it in these posts but I did the same thing the first week I tried quitting but unlike you I didn't even make it 4 days before I used again. I stopped on a Monday and found 1/2 of an 8MG pill and tore little pieces of it throughout the day on Wed, Thurs, and Friday morning before I finally stopped for good. I think taking it in the middle of a withdrawal is a double edged sword. If I would have continued then I would be at day 15 instead of 10 and probably feeling a bit better. What I think however, is that taking a bit of Sub halfway through your WD's will do two things, one good and one bad. The good is that I think you feel less withdrawal symptoms after it's out of your system again and the bad news being that you extend your period of mild withdrawals for a bit longer.
No one here should be judging anyone and none of us are perfect so I completely understand your need to have at least one day of normalcy before you went back to detox. What's helped me the most is definitely the Tramodol/Ultram. In the US it requires a prescription but it is a much lower scheduled drug than any other opiate. It also helps with depression and you can even order it online without a prescription. I don't want to advice you to do anything illegal or anything that could jeopardize all of the hard work you've put into this but Tramodol also has anti-depressant properties. As I stated before I've only had one night of really bad sleep or lack thereof. As long as you tell yourself that your will STOP taking the Tramodol after the first 2-3 weeks then I think it would go a long way in making this process less painful for you. I'm not one that believes one should go through agonizing pain in order to detox, you've put yourself through enough heartache already just with having the addiction in the first place, no need to add more stress/anxiety.
I was feeling like c**p (lots of anxiety) when I woke up today at 2AM instead of 3 but it's nearly 8:00AM here and I'm feeling loads better. Something I've noticed and I think I mentioned as far as caffeine (like you I love my Starbucks and I have a really nice expresso maker at home with illy coffee...yum!) that it makes my WD anxiety much worse. I've also noticed this every time I take a B-6 vitamin. Perhaps anxiety is not a problem for you and these natural energy supplements you're taking/going to take will help in the energy department but for me I'd much rather be tired than anxious.
You mentioned something earlier about baths, and most everyone on here advises to take as many as possible (as soon as you get up) but that has not worked for me at all. In fact I felt the exact opposite while in the shower like my skin was crawling (you know the WD feeling of just wanting to crawl out of your skin). Even after I got out of the shower and dried off I felt uncomfortable...maybe my physiology is just a little off...it wouldn't surprise me one bit.
I found another 1/2 8MG Sub in the pocket of one of my jeans as I was doing the mountain of laundry I told you about. I took off a tiny chunk (maybe .5 if not less) and flushed the rest down the toilet. I'm still questioning my logic for keeping that one piece but as an addict I still feel the temptation to feel good through synthetic means. I did not take it yesterday nor have it taken it today. In fact I'm going to flush it right now...hold on...okay done although I'm sure as I finish organizing my closet I'll come across a crumb or two or maybe even a whole pill.
You have a ton of strength having what I assume are 14.5 pills left without taking them. I'm not sure I could do that which is the reason I threw out what I found. Self control when it comes to opiates is not my strong suit if you can imagine, there was no logical reason to keep that little bit that I found but I talked myself into doing it anyway. I think this will be a struggle for some time. Thankfully I don't know ANY drug dealers and always got my medications form physicians so I don't have an "easy" way of getting anything anyway. I'm really thankful for that because I could remember the countless times I'd run short on my DOC and wished I had an illicit source I could tap to feed my habit. It's funny (and I'm sure you've been through the same thing) because it didn't matter how many pills I had, I was ALWAYS worried about when and how I'd get my next fix even if it was weeks away. For me it wasn't the fear of NOT being high it was the fear of experiencing withdrawals.
I'm glad your workday is already over and that you are home and able to relax. Your boyfriend seems like a really good guy taking care of you though all of this. In a way I wish someone in my life knew and would help me along but in a much stronger way I'm really glad that no one knows (other than you that is (-; I feel as though I got myself into this mess so I better get myself out. Not to mention I don't want my family or friends thinking badly of me. No one knows what it's like to be an addict unless you've been there yourself and none of my friends/family have ever gone through anything like this. Hell, it's still hard for me to believe that I did this to myself. I feel guilty for the things I've done and the lies of told and what I've done to my mind, body, and spirit. This was completely avoidable but addicts are excellent liars, especially to themselves.
I REALLY hope you start feeling better soon. I think you're at the peak and should start feeling some relief each day over the next week or two. I KNOW that you want this to go away ASAP but we both have to be realistic and give our bodies the time they deserve to fix all we've done to them over the past few years. You've come a long way and I want to be 100% honest with you okay? We can tell each other the truth here because I'm not going to judge you at all. I can empathize with everything you're feeling and what you've been through to get to where you are. Being honest, I am a bit worried about you using again. A slip here and there is natural but I don't want you to get into the mindset that "this is too hard right now", "it's not the right time, I have to plan better", "maybe I'm one of those people who needs to take subs for the rest of their lives", etc, etc, etc. It's not my place to tell you what to do (i.e. throw away the remaining subs) but I have to be honest and tell you that "for me" having those subs around would present a huge temptation. Just keep in mind that I'm here for you if you ever want to take or just vent. Also, remember that you are so close to your ultimate goal and the road you've been on, though tough and full of obstacles, is almost at an end. When you reach your destination you will be home...that's the way I look at it. You're really close to being home, just hang in there a little while longer. Tell the devil to f-off because you really are stronger than all of the worlds wicked temptations.
Well, it's back to el trabajo and I've got a ton of work to do today but I'm always happy to hear from you and will always respond as soon as possible. I hope your day has improved and that you're feeling even the tinniest bit better. You ARE almost home, it's just over the next hill.
Warmest Regards,
-R
Don't worry one bit about taking the little bit of Sub you took yesterday. I'm not sure if I mentioned it in these posts but I did the same thing the first week I tried quitting but unlike you I didn't even make it 4 days before I used again. I stopped on a Monday and found 1/2 of an 8MG pill and tore little pieces of it throughout the day on Wed, Thurs, and Friday morning before I finally stopped for good. I think taking it in the middle of a withdrawal is a double edged sword. If I would have continued then I would be at day 15 instead of 10 and probably feeling a bit better. What I think however, is that taking a bit of Sub halfway through your WD's will do two things, one good and one bad. The good is that I think you feel less withdrawal symptoms after it's out of your system again and the bad news being that you extend your period of mild withdrawals for a bit longer.
No one here should be judging anyone and none of us are perfect so I completely understand your need to have at least one day of normalcy before you went back to detox. What's helped me the most is definitely the Tramodol/Ultram. In the US it requires a prescription but it is a much lower scheduled drug than any other opiate. It also helps with depression and you can even order it online without a prescription. I don't want to advice you to do anything illegal or anything that could jeopardize all of the hard work you've put into this but Tramodol also has anti-depressant properties. As I stated before I've only had one night of really bad sleep or lack thereof. As long as you tell yourself that your will STOP taking the Tramodol after the first 2-3 weeks then I think it would go a long way in making this process less painful for you. I'm not one that believes one should go through agonizing pain in order to detox, you've put yourself through enough heartache already just with having the addiction in the first place, no need to add more stress/anxiety.
I was feeling like c**p (lots of anxiety) when I woke up today at 2AM instead of 3 but it's nearly 8:00AM here and I'm feeling loads better. Something I've noticed and I think I mentioned as far as caffeine (like you I love my Starbucks and I have a really nice expresso maker at home with illy coffee...yum!) that it makes my WD anxiety much worse. I've also noticed this every time I take a B-6 vitamin. Perhaps anxiety is not a problem for you and these natural energy supplements you're taking/going to take will help in the energy department but for me I'd much rather be tired than anxious.
You mentioned something earlier about baths, and most everyone on here advises to take as many as possible (as soon as you get up) but that has not worked for me at all. In fact I felt the exact opposite while in the shower like my skin was crawling (you know the WD feeling of just wanting to crawl out of your skin). Even after I got out of the shower and dried off I felt uncomfortable...maybe my physiology is just a little off...it wouldn't surprise me one bit.
I found another 1/2 8MG Sub in the pocket of one of my jeans as I was doing the mountain of laundry I told you about. I took off a tiny chunk (maybe .5 if not less) and flushed the rest down the toilet. I'm still questioning my logic for keeping that one piece but as an addict I still feel the temptation to feel good through synthetic means. I did not take it yesterday nor have it taken it today. In fact I'm going to flush it right now...hold on...okay done although I'm sure as I finish organizing my closet I'll come across a crumb or two or maybe even a whole pill.
You have a ton of strength having what I assume are 14.5 pills left without taking them. I'm not sure I could do that which is the reason I threw out what I found. Self control when it comes to opiates is not my strong suit if you can imagine, there was no logical reason to keep that little bit that I found but I talked myself into doing it anyway. I think this will be a struggle for some time. Thankfully I don't know ANY drug dealers and always got my medications form physicians so I don't have an "easy" way of getting anything anyway. I'm really thankful for that because I could remember the countless times I'd run short on my DOC and wished I had an illicit source I could tap to feed my habit. It's funny (and I'm sure you've been through the same thing) because it didn't matter how many pills I had, I was ALWAYS worried about when and how I'd get my next fix even if it was weeks away. For me it wasn't the fear of NOT being high it was the fear of experiencing withdrawals.
I'm glad your workday is already over and that you are home and able to relax. Your boyfriend seems like a really good guy taking care of you though all of this. In a way I wish someone in my life knew and would help me along but in a much stronger way I'm really glad that no one knows (other than you that is (-; I feel as though I got myself into this mess so I better get myself out. Not to mention I don't want my family or friends thinking badly of me. No one knows what it's like to be an addict unless you've been there yourself and none of my friends/family have ever gone through anything like this. Hell, it's still hard for me to believe that I did this to myself. I feel guilty for the things I've done and the lies of told and what I've done to my mind, body, and spirit. This was completely avoidable but addicts are excellent liars, especially to themselves.
I REALLY hope you start feeling better soon. I think you're at the peak and should start feeling some relief each day over the next week or two. I KNOW that you want this to go away ASAP but we both have to be realistic and give our bodies the time they deserve to fix all we've done to them over the past few years. You've come a long way and I want to be 100% honest with you okay? We can tell each other the truth here because I'm not going to judge you at all. I can empathize with everything you're feeling and what you've been through to get to where you are. Being honest, I am a bit worried about you using again. A slip here and there is natural but I don't want you to get into the mindset that "this is too hard right now", "it's not the right time, I have to plan better", "maybe I'm one of those people who needs to take subs for the rest of their lives", etc, etc, etc. It's not my place to tell you what to do (i.e. throw away the remaining subs) but I have to be honest and tell you that "for me" having those subs around would present a huge temptation. Just keep in mind that I'm here for you if you ever want to take or just vent. Also, remember that you are so close to your ultimate goal and the road you've been on, though tough and full of obstacles, is almost at an end. When you reach your destination you will be home...that's the way I look at it. You're really close to being home, just hang in there a little while longer. Tell the devil to f-off because you really are stronger than all of the worlds wicked temptations.
Well, it's back to el trabajo and I've got a ton of work to do today but I'm always happy to hear from you and will always respond as soon as possible. I hope your day has improved and that you're feeling even the tinniest bit better. You ARE almost home, it's just over the next hill.
Warmest Regards,
-R
Loading...
Hey, just going to do a quickie reply for now, cos I have been thru the mill the last few hrs!
I got really down and frustrated after reading and reading stuff online about subutex and how it is impossible to get off, really painful etc etc...in the end, totally depressed, I decided I would try to relax in front of TV, but the PS3 wouldn’t work so I couldn’t put a movie on. I got so irate I threw the controller across the room nearly breaking it (I am NOT usually an angry person), and then called my partner at work (he does nights at an alcohol and drug hostel sometimes- how ironic)..bawled down the phone about how much I hate the fu88king, pi88ing PS3 and that I wished I was dead, and I couldn’t take it anymore......you get the picture.....I was a bit of mess!!!!!....
He calmly told me how to get the PS3 to work and then informed me couldn’t really talk cos he was with a client....god knows how I sounded to them on the other end of his phone....probably like another loopy resident.
Anyway, I have now made a cuppa tea (de-caff) and yeah, I take on board what you have said about the caffeine/ Vitamins. I need to go easy on them. Yeah, I love my coffee, but I will try to stay away. It’s not forever so i can cope! The one thing I cannot do without and what keeps me sane is smoking ciggies....another bad habit I need to break (ONCE I get thru this one eh?) but right now, I couldn’t go without them (when food/ drink and everything else does NOTHING for me).
I am glad I am seeing the Doc tomorrow, as I swallowed 3 sleeping pills after my PS3 temper tantrum so have nearly run out.... Hopefully they will knock me out soon .....Yeah I know it’s not even 8pm, but I can’t take much more today...would rather sleep it off......
will probably be back on here in the early hours.....at which time I really hope I am feeling a bit better/ calmer
PS. I am not a crier so please don’t think crying and tantrums are my forte... I don’t remember the last time I cried before this.....maybe when my friend got shot in the head and died a few years ago....THEN I cried, regularly, for a long time.....but I haven’t cried for ME for ages....not until now...
Oh god.......please help me sleep. I can feel the RLS kicking in.....nooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!
I got really down and frustrated after reading and reading stuff online about subutex and how it is impossible to get off, really painful etc etc...in the end, totally depressed, I decided I would try to relax in front of TV, but the PS3 wouldn’t work so I couldn’t put a movie on. I got so irate I threw the controller across the room nearly breaking it (I am NOT usually an angry person), and then called my partner at work (he does nights at an alcohol and drug hostel sometimes- how ironic)..bawled down the phone about how much I hate the fu88king, pi88ing PS3 and that I wished I was dead, and I couldn’t take it anymore......you get the picture.....I was a bit of mess!!!!!....
He calmly told me how to get the PS3 to work and then informed me couldn’t really talk cos he was with a client....god knows how I sounded to them on the other end of his phone....probably like another loopy resident.
Anyway, I have now made a cuppa tea (de-caff) and yeah, I take on board what you have said about the caffeine/ Vitamins. I need to go easy on them. Yeah, I love my coffee, but I will try to stay away. It’s not forever so i can cope! The one thing I cannot do without and what keeps me sane is smoking ciggies....another bad habit I need to break (ONCE I get thru this one eh?) but right now, I couldn’t go without them (when food/ drink and everything else does NOTHING for me).
I am glad I am seeing the Doc tomorrow, as I swallowed 3 sleeping pills after my PS3 temper tantrum so have nearly run out.... Hopefully they will knock me out soon .....Yeah I know it’s not even 8pm, but I can’t take much more today...would rather sleep it off......
will probably be back on here in the early hours.....at which time I really hope I am feeling a bit better/ calmer
PS. I am not a crier so please don’t think crying and tantrums are my forte... I don’t remember the last time I cried before this.....maybe when my friend got shot in the head and died a few years ago....THEN I cried, regularly, for a long time.....but I haven’t cried for ME for ages....not until now...
Oh god.......please help me sleep. I can feel the RLS kicking in.....nooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!
Loading...
I just want to thank both of you for posting about your situations. It has helped me tremendously to read them. My family is aware that I am an addict, but they think I have been clean for five years (after several detox facilities, rehabs, and relapses). Truth is I have been on suboxone for the last five years. I will say it has healped me with not using other opiates. I have done a few other substances but only a few times and on special occasions. My life has changed for the better since I have been on it but I knew I would need to stop sometime. After reading all the horror stories about getting off subs, here we are five years later. I am a professional as well and can't keep hiding this addition to this little orange pill. Thank god It doesn't show on a drug test unless testing specifically for it. I bet that will change soon though.
Anyway, the last time I saw the sub doctor was in December of 2011. I got my 30 supply of 60 8mg films (this was the first time I had films) and made them last til last Monday 8/6/12. The last few weeks I was down to .25. Today is day 7 for me, and I feel like c**p too. A lot of mental sh*t more than physical, but I definitely have both. This Friday I broke down and went to ER claiming I re-injured my back getting my son out of the tub. I put on a good act, and came home with some muscle relaxers and Endocet 5/325. I felt good Friday night and Saturday but by Sunday realized I ate too many percoets. This had me majorly depressed all day. Anyhow I am now just taking as little as possible to take the edge off.
Again I just wanted to thank both of you for posting. I feels good there others going through the same thing around the same time.
Anyway, the last time I saw the sub doctor was in December of 2011. I got my 30 supply of 60 8mg films (this was the first time I had films) and made them last til last Monday 8/6/12. The last few weeks I was down to .25. Today is day 7 for me, and I feel like c**p too. A lot of mental sh*t more than physical, but I definitely have both. This Friday I broke down and went to ER claiming I re-injured my back getting my son out of the tub. I put on a good act, and came home with some muscle relaxers and Endocet 5/325. I felt good Friday night and Saturday but by Sunday realized I ate too many percoets. This had me majorly depressed all day. Anyhow I am now just taking as little as possible to take the edge off.
Again I just wanted to thank both of you for posting. I feels good there others going through the same thing around the same time.
Loading...
Hi Zeek,
I can relate, I pulled the same kind of "hurt my back again" excuse to get my hands on the Hydro's 5/325 x's 30 which I stopped taking four days ago. You have to do what you have to do! As an addict I'm sure the 5/325's barely made a difference and it would take me a heck of a lot more to get addicted again. During the height of my addiction I was taking more than 120MG's of METHADONE for crying out loud and even though I haven't taken opiates in over a year (since Subs) it seems I still have a pretty high tolerance to them.
Don't get down on yourself for doing what you felt you had to do. We all have very different circumstances/responsabilities and can't just check in to the Betty Ford Center for a month or two. And for the record, you have been sober from your DOC for the last five years so even it you were on Subs you did five years on ZERO drug abuse! Congrats!
I'm on Day 10 and I'm still taking the Tramodols which actually help a lot more than the Hydro's did. I will be taking these until Friday when it's good bye all meds: script or otherwise. I'm doing it specifically on Fri in case I still have any bad WD symptoms from the Subs...GOD I hope not. But as they say hope in one and poop in the other and see which one fills up first.
I for one am glad you joined our discussion (myself & Hanna). It's important to have support at home but I think it's equally if not more important to have support from those who know EXACTLY what you're going through. I can empathize with someone who is stricken with a horrible disease but I really wouldn't know how they felt unless I had experienced the same thing.
Thanks for sharing Zeek, please stay I touch and let us know how you're coping. I can't wait for the day when all of us say we feel GREAT just for finally feeling normal again!
Best Regards,
-R
I can relate, I pulled the same kind of "hurt my back again" excuse to get my hands on the Hydro's 5/325 x's 30 which I stopped taking four days ago. You have to do what you have to do! As an addict I'm sure the 5/325's barely made a difference and it would take me a heck of a lot more to get addicted again. During the height of my addiction I was taking more than 120MG's of METHADONE for crying out loud and even though I haven't taken opiates in over a year (since Subs) it seems I still have a pretty high tolerance to them.
Don't get down on yourself for doing what you felt you had to do. We all have very different circumstances/responsabilities and can't just check in to the Betty Ford Center for a month or two. And for the record, you have been sober from your DOC for the last five years so even it you were on Subs you did five years on ZERO drug abuse! Congrats!
I'm on Day 10 and I'm still taking the Tramodols which actually help a lot more than the Hydro's did. I will be taking these until Friday when it's good bye all meds: script or otherwise. I'm doing it specifically on Fri in case I still have any bad WD symptoms from the Subs...GOD I hope not. But as they say hope in one and poop in the other and see which one fills up first.
I for one am glad you joined our discussion (myself & Hanna). It's important to have support at home but I think it's equally if not more important to have support from those who know EXACTLY what you're going through. I can empathize with someone who is stricken with a horrible disease but I really wouldn't know how they felt unless I had experienced the same thing.
Thanks for sharing Zeek, please stay I touch and let us know how you're coping. I can't wait for the day when all of us say we feel GREAT just for finally feeling normal again!
Best Regards,
-R
Loading...
Hey, yeah, thanks for posting Zeek...come join us on this journey....
Like R said, it’s really hard when no one else knows what you are going thru. I am one of those people who have told everyone- and I was always open about my illicit drug use too. However, now it’s come down to it....the real pain, no one can understand unless they are doing it.
Friends just say things like ‘’oh, I am sure u will ok soon” and “why don’t u just take a few weeks off work??” (Like I have that much annual leave to take willy nilly)..they mean well, but they just don’t know.
Like you both saw from my last post, I had a terrible time of it last night....depression hit hard....it’s the frustration of not being able to do things like I would have done them just a week or 2 ago. But the depression passes. It comes and goes in waves for me.
After my last post, I had taken 3 vicodone, I just wanted to knock myself out...but I was still lying on the sofa, staring at the TV, and wondering which movie to put on, but I had seen them all....and anyway, I didn’t think anything would cut it for me, and stop me feeling so miserable. So, I popped to my local shop and picked up a small bottle of whiskey (They asked me if I was ill I looked so bad). Downed some of that, and that got me off to sleep (after a mega frustrating period of RLS for about 45mins-.....TOTAL TORTURE).
I know it’s not good to drink alcohol as we can’t do with A/ the hangover, B/ the dehydration, but like you saw, I was desperate and so tempted to just take a bit of sub to get thru it (yes, I think I need to throw it away, or give it to someone to hide).
Anyway, I am up now and just about to get ready for work...will be in there from 9ish to 12.30ish, and then go see my key worker and Doc at 2pm.
It’s hard to tell how I feel first thing...I won’t know until I have put my face on and got dressed and left the house to catch my bus. I have taken my vitamins, and stuff and got some soup and chicken to eat at work...hopefully today will be better for me....
How r u guys feeling?
I am not a religious person, but I will pray, in my own way, for you to stay strong!
Hanna X
Like R said, it’s really hard when no one else knows what you are going thru. I am one of those people who have told everyone- and I was always open about my illicit drug use too. However, now it’s come down to it....the real pain, no one can understand unless they are doing it.
Friends just say things like ‘’oh, I am sure u will ok soon” and “why don’t u just take a few weeks off work??” (Like I have that much annual leave to take willy nilly)..they mean well, but they just don’t know.
Like you both saw from my last post, I had a terrible time of it last night....depression hit hard....it’s the frustration of not being able to do things like I would have done them just a week or 2 ago. But the depression passes. It comes and goes in waves for me.
After my last post, I had taken 3 vicodone, I just wanted to knock myself out...but I was still lying on the sofa, staring at the TV, and wondering which movie to put on, but I had seen them all....and anyway, I didn’t think anything would cut it for me, and stop me feeling so miserable. So, I popped to my local shop and picked up a small bottle of whiskey (They asked me if I was ill I looked so bad). Downed some of that, and that got me off to sleep (after a mega frustrating period of RLS for about 45mins-.....TOTAL TORTURE).
I know it’s not good to drink alcohol as we can’t do with A/ the hangover, B/ the dehydration, but like you saw, I was desperate and so tempted to just take a bit of sub to get thru it (yes, I think I need to throw it away, or give it to someone to hide).
Anyway, I am up now and just about to get ready for work...will be in there from 9ish to 12.30ish, and then go see my key worker and Doc at 2pm.
It’s hard to tell how I feel first thing...I won’t know until I have put my face on and got dressed and left the house to catch my bus. I have taken my vitamins, and stuff and got some soup and chicken to eat at work...hopefully today will be better for me....
How r u guys feeling?
I am not a religious person, but I will pray, in my own way, for you to stay strong!
Hanna X
Loading...
I have no idea where I got ''vicodone' from in my last post....weird...what i meant to say is 'Zopiclone'
anyway, at work, and sneezing like a MF...i dont mind that side effect at all!!! Back started to hurt again tho, and I getting hold and cold chills...trying to drink loads of water/ juice and have my protein drink in front of me.
Trying to concentrate, cos I have quite a bit of work to do, but its really hard.
Anyway, will check back in later once I have got most of my day out of the way....
Han x
anyway, at work, and sneezing like a MF...i dont mind that side effect at all!!! Back started to hurt again tho, and I getting hold and cold chills...trying to drink loads of water/ juice and have my protein drink in front of me.
Trying to concentrate, cos I have quite a bit of work to do, but its really hard.
Anyway, will check back in later once I have got most of my day out of the way....
Han x
Loading...
Hi Hanna,
Sorry I didn't get back to you until now but I was traveling for business yesterday through Wednesday. I wake up at 5AM for work and this morning I felt like complete poop! I had major anxiety which I'm sure is do the the WD's and sleeping in an entirely too uncomfortable hotel bed. I'm not going to bore you with the details of my day yesterday but it was long and really lame.
I have to be at the top of my game today and tomorrow which will be tough. I understand your need for some kind of rest and at least the Whisky did the trick for you last night, it is grandpa's old cough medicine. I had a few glasses of champaign on Sat with the GF and I was fine the next day.
I think that you're right and have to figure out what you're going to do with your Sub supply. If you think about it logically you have no reason to keep it. I really feel like you're done Hanna because in so many ways you've had it much worse than me and you know what they say, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". And I could see that in you from everything you've said. You WILL make it through this and you will NOT take any more Subs!
Hanna, you are right around the corner to getting your life back. You've made it through the worst, the heroin, the crack, the criminals, the desperate acts, the Subs! Look how far you've come, it's amazing and truly an example of human strength and perseverance in the face of consistent adversity.
A persons true character is measured not when they're at they're best but when they're at they're worst. You can do this Hanna and if you fall we're here to pick you back up again.
Please let me know how you're coping and how your day is going. Have you kept a daily journal as to what you're going through and what you've gone through? Just curious becaus it may help you get some perspective on where you are versus where you were. I'm Catholic although admittedly not a very good one, I do believe in God and I will keep you and Zeek in my prayers and we suffer through these final days and weeks.
Yours Truly,
-R
Sorry I didn't get back to you until now but I was traveling for business yesterday through Wednesday. I wake up at 5AM for work and this morning I felt like complete poop! I had major anxiety which I'm sure is do the the WD's and sleeping in an entirely too uncomfortable hotel bed. I'm not going to bore you with the details of my day yesterday but it was long and really lame.
I have to be at the top of my game today and tomorrow which will be tough. I understand your need for some kind of rest and at least the Whisky did the trick for you last night, it is grandpa's old cough medicine. I had a few glasses of champaign on Sat with the GF and I was fine the next day.
I think that you're right and have to figure out what you're going to do with your Sub supply. If you think about it logically you have no reason to keep it. I really feel like you're done Hanna because in so many ways you've had it much worse than me and you know what they say, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". And I could see that in you from everything you've said. You WILL make it through this and you will NOT take any more Subs!
Hanna, you are right around the corner to getting your life back. You've made it through the worst, the heroin, the crack, the criminals, the desperate acts, the Subs! Look how far you've come, it's amazing and truly an example of human strength and perseverance in the face of consistent adversity.
A persons true character is measured not when they're at they're best but when they're at they're worst. You can do this Hanna and if you fall we're here to pick you back up again.
Please let me know how you're coping and how your day is going. Have you kept a daily journal as to what you're going through and what you've gone through? Just curious becaus it may help you get some perspective on where you are versus where you were. I'm Catholic although admittedly not a very good one, I do believe in God and I will keep you and Zeek in my prayers and we suffer through these final days and weeks.
Yours Truly,
-R
Loading...
Hey, no worries about not posting back straightaway. I know that you have a busy life...but even if you didn’t, I know what we are all going thru right now, and sometimes you just don’t even wana talk...or write..or do anything...
You are right – I need to get rid of the subs. I am just scared...I like the fact that I CHOOSE not to take them. It makes me feel more in control. HOWEVER, I can see that the depression is now getting hold of me, and that will make me weak so yeah, I need to put them out of harm’s way.
I am just back from seeing the Doc and key worker. Doc has given me more sleeping pills. He also told me to make an URGENT appt with my normal GP, to get anti depressants as he could see how down I was (got an appt in an hour). He then started mumbling something about speaking to his clinical director and maybe putting me back on subs. I was like WTF?!!! He said he could see I was depressed and maybe it was better to put me back on the subs until the depression side was dealt with and I was ready.
As you can imagine, that really upset me cos it was like he was thinking “this girl aint gona make it for sh**”. I told him no, I couldn’t go back now. I wana come off the sub NOW....I can never go this pain again.
Afterwards, I saw my keyworker and he was a bit more positive. He did the whole spiel about why I was feeling the way I was, and it was normal. And it would get better and he knows I can do it, he is proud of me, etc etc. For some reason, he always makes me cry cos he looks so worried about me!! Lol. He also said he had seen loads of his clients get clean from sub, so I shouldn’t read the stuff online and feel negative. He then went onto say he had spoken to the Doc and he knows I will be able to do it..and he will do anything he can to help me ...(so maybe he doesn’t think I am a hopeless case after all).
Anyway, I am just home now for a little bit – am going to force myself to eat so I have the energy to get to my GP ...
Will check in later.
You sound like you are doing really well- I know you will be fine...I can sense it...you aint no fool (and you’re a whole lot stronger than me!)....
Keep going, and don’t let it get u down
Hanna
You are right – I need to get rid of the subs. I am just scared...I like the fact that I CHOOSE not to take them. It makes me feel more in control. HOWEVER, I can see that the depression is now getting hold of me, and that will make me weak so yeah, I need to put them out of harm’s way.
I am just back from seeing the Doc and key worker. Doc has given me more sleeping pills. He also told me to make an URGENT appt with my normal GP, to get anti depressants as he could see how down I was (got an appt in an hour). He then started mumbling something about speaking to his clinical director and maybe putting me back on subs. I was like WTF?!!! He said he could see I was depressed and maybe it was better to put me back on the subs until the depression side was dealt with and I was ready.
As you can imagine, that really upset me cos it was like he was thinking “this girl aint gona make it for sh**”. I told him no, I couldn’t go back now. I wana come off the sub NOW....I can never go this pain again.
Afterwards, I saw my keyworker and he was a bit more positive. He did the whole spiel about why I was feeling the way I was, and it was normal. And it would get better and he knows I can do it, he is proud of me, etc etc. For some reason, he always makes me cry cos he looks so worried about me!! Lol. He also said he had seen loads of his clients get clean from sub, so I shouldn’t read the stuff online and feel negative. He then went onto say he had spoken to the Doc and he knows I will be able to do it..and he will do anything he can to help me ...(so maybe he doesn’t think I am a hopeless case after all).
Anyway, I am just home now for a little bit – am going to force myself to eat so I have the energy to get to my GP ...
Will check in later.
You sound like you are doing really well- I know you will be fine...I can sense it...you aint no fool (and you’re a whole lot stronger than me!)....
Keep going, and don’t let it get u down
Hanna
Loading...
Hi Hanna,
This will be quick cause I'm on a short break, I'll write more later. The bit you wrote about your Dr.really pissed me off, how DARE he suggest you "fix" your depression problem by getting back on what is causing your depression to begin with...id**t! Don't listen to him because he has NO idea what you've been through or what you're going through!
BTW: Thank you for your compliment but I respectfully disagree, ALL of us have the same weakness so don't let that get you down. Gotta get back, talk to you soon!
Best Regards,
-R
This will be quick cause I'm on a short break, I'll write more later. The bit you wrote about your Dr.really pissed me off, how DARE he suggest you "fix" your depression problem by getting back on what is causing your depression to begin with...id**t! Don't listen to him because he has NO idea what you've been through or what you're going through!
BTW: Thank you for your compliment but I respectfully disagree, ALL of us have the same weakness so don't let that get you down. Gotta get back, talk to you soon!
Best Regards,
-R
Loading...
I had a feeling you wouldn’t like what my Doc said! But I guess,. who would in our position? I know he didn’t mean it in bad way- he just didn’t like me sitting there telling him how bad I have been feeling and he knows he has the ‘’magic pill’’ to make me ‘’all better’’ but I wish he didn’t mention it...
If it was Day 1 and I was already a total mess, fair enough..but after a week of pain and torture?? ....That suggestion really got me down. It made me realise he has no idea what it’s like to do this detox....not really.
Managed to get to my GP in the afternoon, but only just. It’s up a hill, and boy was that a struggle. I looked like an invalid. And then it took me 2 days to walk up the stairs to the waiting room. I was so frustrated by the time I got there I started crying again (yep, this crying sh** is really starting to get boring).
I got the stuff I needed anyway, and some pain gel for my poor back.
Went home to feel sorry for myself, partner put on a decent movie (he was home last night so I didn’t have to scream at the PS3 to “work goddamn it” and I didn’t have to throw the controller against the wall again..LOL).
Sleeping tabs kicked in and I was gone by 10pm...woke up at 1, and came to bed, which is where I am now, contemplating when to get up for work/ what to wear.
It’s weird first thing in the morning cos I never know how I am going to feel....I feel fine now in my comfy bed, but god knows, I may be in tears again in a few hours...
Anyway, will write more later....going to try to have a wash (no energy to do it last night)
H
If it was Day 1 and I was already a total mess, fair enough..but after a week of pain and torture?? ....That suggestion really got me down. It made me realise he has no idea what it’s like to do this detox....not really.
Managed to get to my GP in the afternoon, but only just. It’s up a hill, and boy was that a struggle. I looked like an invalid. And then it took me 2 days to walk up the stairs to the waiting room. I was so frustrated by the time I got there I started crying again (yep, this crying sh** is really starting to get boring).
I got the stuff I needed anyway, and some pain gel for my poor back.
Went home to feel sorry for myself, partner put on a decent movie (he was home last night so I didn’t have to scream at the PS3 to “work goddamn it” and I didn’t have to throw the controller against the wall again..LOL).
Sleeping tabs kicked in and I was gone by 10pm...woke up at 1, and came to bed, which is where I am now, contemplating when to get up for work/ what to wear.
It’s weird first thing in the morning cos I never know how I am going to feel....I feel fine now in my comfy bed, but god knows, I may be in tears again in a few hours...
Anyway, will write more later....going to try to have a wash (no energy to do it last night)
H
Loading...
Hello.... Back again. Its 10.30am and I am in the office.
Still feel pretty sh**y, but my concentration seems a bit better for some reason. I have also been a bit more chatty today (last few days I have shot daggers at anyone who had the audacity to start a conversation with me…lol).
My cleaner is coming today, so I cant go straight home when I finish here at midday, but that’s fine…I will find something to do….I would usually go chill in Starbucks, but all that coffee will be too much temptation (BTW. I feel really sorry for my cleaner today, she is going to cuss me off when she sees the state of the house!!!)
So, yeah, today. I do see a tinsy bit of light at the end of the tunnel….I hope it stays that way….maybe the anti-depressants are kicking in
I really don’t know how you do it…hold down a high end job whilst detoxing, and get away with it !!! Has anyone said anything to you like ''oooh you look a bit peaky today"??!!
I mean my job aint that important, tho I do like to say that the place would fall apart if I wasn’t here !!!! Lol (everyone is like ''yeah, Hanna of course it would!"), but it can be quite stressful. For example, at the end of last week, I had some guy on the phone screaming at me (to be fair, he had just lost out on about £7,000- but he DID provide me with fraudulent documents..which is a slight NO NO, so it was his fault)…but anyway, he was shouting and swearing and I just thought ''please stop…I cant take this right now'' (at any other time I would have found it quite amusing)….that was hard….after that phone call, I put the phone down and cried….everyone was shocked cos I would usually do the opposite (laugh and tell everyone what an id**t he was).
Someone must be looking over me this week, because so far, I have not had any difficult situations/ people to deal with….but u sound like u need to be on top form all the time....I think its amazing that you can do that…you must be very mentally strong. I know I need to take a leaf out of your book!
In answer to your question, no, I have not kept a journal…but it looks like this forum is becoming one!!! I just hope that what we have written can help someone in the future as well as ourselves right now…..
Have a meeting with my manager now…hopefully she will be as cool and understanding as she has been so far….really I should appreicate the fact that I have got it a lot easier than other people and stop acting like a big baby!
Speak/ write later x
Still feel pretty sh**y, but my concentration seems a bit better for some reason. I have also been a bit more chatty today (last few days I have shot daggers at anyone who had the audacity to start a conversation with me…lol).
My cleaner is coming today, so I cant go straight home when I finish here at midday, but that’s fine…I will find something to do….I would usually go chill in Starbucks, but all that coffee will be too much temptation (BTW. I feel really sorry for my cleaner today, she is going to cuss me off when she sees the state of the house!!!)
So, yeah, today. I do see a tinsy bit of light at the end of the tunnel….I hope it stays that way….maybe the anti-depressants are kicking in
I really don’t know how you do it…hold down a high end job whilst detoxing, and get away with it !!! Has anyone said anything to you like ''oooh you look a bit peaky today"??!!
I mean my job aint that important, tho I do like to say that the place would fall apart if I wasn’t here !!!! Lol (everyone is like ''yeah, Hanna of course it would!"), but it can be quite stressful. For example, at the end of last week, I had some guy on the phone screaming at me (to be fair, he had just lost out on about £7,000- but he DID provide me with fraudulent documents..which is a slight NO NO, so it was his fault)…but anyway, he was shouting and swearing and I just thought ''please stop…I cant take this right now'' (at any other time I would have found it quite amusing)….that was hard….after that phone call, I put the phone down and cried….everyone was shocked cos I would usually do the opposite (laugh and tell everyone what an id**t he was).
Someone must be looking over me this week, because so far, I have not had any difficult situations/ people to deal with….but u sound like u need to be on top form all the time....I think its amazing that you can do that…you must be very mentally strong. I know I need to take a leaf out of your book!
In answer to your question, no, I have not kept a journal…but it looks like this forum is becoming one!!! I just hope that what we have written can help someone in the future as well as ourselves right now…..
Have a meeting with my manager now…hopefully she will be as cool and understanding as she has been so far….really I should appreicate the fact that I have got it a lot easier than other people and stop acting like a big baby!
Speak/ write later x
Loading...