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Why does my bf deny me sex yet watches porn & masterbates

By Guest | 18 posts, last post
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Kate Smith answered this How to Masturbate for Beginners: Safe Masturbation Techniques for Teenage Girls and Boys
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Guest

I have been with my bf for almost 3 yrs now... I am 32 & he is 36.. We have 1 child with our 2nd on the way... Let me 1st say I'm very sexual, there is nothing I will not do or try to please my boyfriend, I have hardly ever denied him etc and I'm very open to talking about sex or things we like.. Previous spouses have all admitted I know what I'm doing and they all noticed how I thrived to be a "goddess" & please my spouse ..We talked alot prior to dating about the sexual aspects (likes/dislikes)..  He for a long time was watching porn every few days and sometimes daily, masterbating before leaving for work or whenever I would leave the house.. There was even 1 time he knew I was ready for bed so we could be intimate and instead he chose to watch porn in the livingroom and self masterbate, I offered to watch/ join and he told me "no".. Laying in the bedroom 20 ft from him he masterbated and watched porn for almost 2 hrs while I laid in bed crying and aching to share on the intimacy...When I would confront him, he would lie/ deny it.. I spoke to him numerous times on how it made me feel..I told him I wasn't being satisfied and that it didn't always have to be intercourse but even oral or fooling around the odd time... I've begged him to wake me up in the mornings to fool around since he was too tired the previous night although he has yet to do that... Even caused a few fights by bringing up how it made me feel..I tried being more creative sexually( dressing up/ role play/ toys for both) and doing the things he suggested yet still no change.. He felt there was nothing wrong with doing this but to me it became almost like cheating. I started to feel as though I was not good enough or attractive enough.. We'd only have sex after he'd watch porn for approx 2 hrs... The porn worked him up & I was left to finish it off.. Many many times I would try to initiate sex and he would turn me down multiple times... He turns me down atleast 2 times a week even now (headache or too tired are 2 of the main excuses)..I would even find porn magazines hidden in my home (purchased while working & he claimed he was bored).. The last straw came when I found approx 150 nude photos of diff women from internet sites on his cell phone, during work he would be looking up sites (so I caved & allowed nude photos of me on his cell phone)..I finally had enough of the way it made me feel and therefore I put my foot down and told him he could not have both me & porn. He obviously chose me and I must admit he has been really good at not watching the real hardcore porn and occassionally we will now watch it since I saw his improvment.. however recently I have started to catch him in the morning before work while sitting in bed watching the "cheap t.v. porn" the stuff they allow on regular cable television including the infomercials for sex chat lines, he thinks I am sleeping and if he feels I am waking he quickly changes the channel to avoid me knowing, this has become an EVERY morning thing that he does. I have asked him already about him watching it but he never answers me even though I already know.. I feel as if this is a substitute for the "hardcore" porn.  He usually then goes to do his morning bathroom break of approx 15 minutes before getting ready to go to work... I fear he is now watching this petty porn on cable and then masterbating while in the washroom.. Yet I am lucky to get sex 1 time per week... Can almost lay out the schedule ( always a saturday, always same positions etc)   I love him with all my heart and this is our only problem within the relationship.. I do not like to nag/ bring it up all the time but he has made me very insecure with all of this and I'm wondering what is going on in his head.  Can anyone justify what he is thinking/ doing or how I can possibly change this as I don't want to end our future but am currently considering my options.  I understand masterbation is normal and men have unique needs and routines however how do I approach this to fix the ONLY problem in our relationship?

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BedsonTrudeau

It sounds like he has a serious pornography addiction.

Men with porn addictions can often choose to watch porn for a while and masturbate, which seems to give them more sexual satisfaction than sex with their partner.

If I were in your situation, I would give him an ultimatum: Either he gets treatment for his addiction or you're out of there.  I don't think you should take him at his word that he'll stop on his own.  If he does have an addiction, seeing a sex therapist or going into a rehabilitation program for sex addiction is probably necessary.  A sex therapist is someone you can see together.  He may find it supportive, so ask him how he feels about that.  The therapist can also suggest further treatment for him.

Now's the time to think about what's healthy for you and your children.  If he's neglecting you - which seems to be true both physically and emotionally - then you may want to think about moving towards a healthier relationship for yourself.  You may also want to think about whether or not you want your young children around pornography.

Best of luck!
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Piece208715

Hello!

I totally agree with Bedson.

I strongly suggest you check out the Pornography Addiction page on Wikipedia or just check it out on the web to get a better idea of what it is.

Regards, take care :)

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Guest

Ye, I've had that thought cross my mind many of times and I'm sure to some extent he does have an addiction.. I've even read into addiction via the internet... I also try to keep in mind that prior to dating he was single for a few yrs and therefore was used to doing things himself. I am also questioning if maybe he is saying no to me to attempt to make me more dominant... To get me to "take it"... I am the passive 1 in the relationship
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Guest

I agree with your thoughts... I was just trying to find an alternative to a therapist as I know how some men are sensitive to discussing their personal issues... When I found the pics on his cell phone I actually lost it on him.. Told him let his porn women finish what they start, cook his meals, clean his house, care for his child etc... I told him it was porn or me but not both and he has improved and I tell him a fair bit that I see the improvment therefore he is getting recognition... I might actually look into talking with my family physician about this issue before jumping into a therapist and backing the bf into a corner.
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1ofakind253580

Wow I felt like this was me when I read this...im 30 years old and my guy 35. Weve been together for about 3 years now too and we have two little boys together. when we first met it was love at first sight and sex was incredibly hot that's all we found ourselves doing all day all night really need to watch porn together to heat things up and it never bothered me then. until month after our relationship started I found he was watching porn more than usual especially when I was not around. It started bothering me a lot. I kept catching him and catching him and then finally confronted him. he told me it was nothing big and that he would stop. I became very self conscious about myself being that I have lost a lot of weight in the beginning of our relationship due to baby mama drama. when we met I weighed 127 and had a big fat ass. I realize ass was his thing due to the porn site I use to find him on. to make a long story short I started getting very disgusted and turned off and I confronted him again about it I basically told him that this was affecting our relationship and our sex life being that we only had sex maybe once a week and specially on Saturdays as you mentioned. I'm very open to sex I'm very sexually active and I love to f***. I consider myself to be very good at sex and giving oral sex and being creative in the room so I never understood why he turned to porn. he tells me means nothing and does nothing to him but it does to me. his sex drive has completely changed. bottom line is as real women with real morsls do not deserve this from R men. we should be given the respect and being degraded by our men watching women getting f***** on porn sites. I feel it's unhealthy for both women and men,
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1ofakind253580

01 more thing is this behavior continues in the relationship my advice to u is to get out find yourself a better man that's going to respect you and love you better because this will mentally f*** you up and turn you into a better woman which sometimes I feel has happened to myself this is why I'm really reconsidering this addiction of my guy only because I have really tried talking him out of this and talking about my feelings and making him realize wat its doing to us and in the end I find and feel he truly doesnt care enough. The man loves p***y and ass. Botyom line how embarrassing for him when people know the real reason I left if it ever comes down to that. God willing it doesnt if he dont change in short time this will b the last result. Good luck. Dont stay for the wrong reasons. U dnt want a pig for a man.
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sudhanshu garg

I'm addicted to masturbation and porn. I have lost a wife ,plus a long-time wonderful girlfriend who masturbated too, and become homeless. I've neglected my elderly parents, squandered hundreds of thosands of dollars, and basically wasted my life the past 30 years. The only friend i have is a guy I share our masturbation and porn addiction with.

I'm a lost soal... This is not a joke. I wish i had a good loving woman to help me, but I could not make love to her... because of my addiction. ... I was surfing naked looking for porn when I ran across this blog. It opened my eyes, but I'm sure I'll continue to let my addiction to consume every glimmer of hope my life has to be normal... It all started with a topless, big breasted pin-up calander in my childhood pal's father's workshop

I was so atracted to that 'picture" in Ray-Ray's workshop,  that I keep surching for that old picture of that one special "girl" to masturbate with. .I buy on ebay, haunt estate sales, garage sales etc.. I'll be searching forever.....  God I just want to be loved and hugged.. I'm so lonely...  

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Guest

I'm curious as to whether you found a solution to your problem? If so, could you please share your story with? In same situation and have no idea where to go or what to resort to from this point…?
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Guest

Same situation. Been together for almost 8 years and we're supposed to get married in Sept. Though after reading this I am having some serious doubts. My story is the same as all the others. We are both 38 yrs old. He travels all the time, for work, owns his own business. I traveled with him for 3 yrs then decided to go back to school. I'll be finished w my B.S. (Food Science) degree in December 2013. I have recently asked him about the quantity of porn he watches bc it would be unfair to marry me under false pretenses. He swares he doesn't watch it that often, but I don't believe him. I mean I have caught him in a few lies abt porn. I hate the lying the most. It makes me so mad when someone looks you straight in the face and lies. Especially when they know, you know they are lying. Ugh! I think I will have to record him so he can't lie abt it and then maybe if he is watching "too much" porn he will accept counseling or we won't get married. Totally sucks to have wasted all these years for nothing. I can deal with a lot, the traveling, the porn, I don't even mind the porn until it effects my sex life; when you choose that over having sex with me, that's a problem. The porn should be reserved for when he's traveling. When at home he should be with me. (He's gone at least 8 months out of the year.) I didn't realize this was such a huge problem for women. The question is who's at fault? Should we be ok with our significant others ignoring us to satisfy only themselves? That doesn't sound right to me. I can't even think of what it will be like when I hit my sexual prime. I am already having self esteem issues and I'm not unattractive. I'm thin and have been told I am pretty. I take care of myself by eating healthy and working out. I do a lot of animal rescue work. I just don't think I can be turned down too many more times. If anyone has found a solution I would love to hear it. I am a normal, loving, caring, but not over the top needs you to hold me when I sleep, attractive, good in bed (so I've been told), cares about the earth and animals, loves my family, daddy didn't hold me too much or too little, treat people as you want to be treated (nicely), woman. Who, by the way, cooks and cleans (graduated from Le Cordon Bleu, Chicago). I just want to be happy and the porn issue is not making me happy, but he doesn't get it. OR doesn't care.   

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Guest

This is my story too and it just makes me feel sick .... When we always have to hear how the woman is the one who doesn't want sex
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billagilly302793


Just try some frndship with new people and relax for some time i mean however this is very old question let us be in new topic ahead
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Guest


If you are truly lonely maybe depression is your issue and Masterbation/porn is like self medicating. Many people with depression sub alcohol, pot, and other mood enhancers to "fix" the problem.... seek help, try therapy, prescribed drugs or natural meds. Please! there are many women who want to love you... you just have to let us
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kfambare2


OK so here the thing either he is secretly gay or feels that he isn't ready for you from what i just read it seems like you are an expert at what having sex. he might feel that he is sexually inferior to you and to resolve his issue instead of talking with you he uses the porn as a therapy. when i think if this story this has to be the only explanation because their aren't that many women that would put up with this for 3 year you have to remind him of this. tell him if he feels that way having sex will help him gain self a steam and help him fell more sexual able. also don't be afraid to make the first move if you ever catch him watching porn again pull him away from the device take of his pants or what ever and do what you have to do.

ps: im a guy so i can tell you it is not easy feeling that you cant satisfy your woman
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Guest


Hey I Feel the same in my marriage of 25 years ,I would hint a lot about wanting sex flaunting my body or kissing sexy n hubby wouldn't do anything... and now I with hubbys cousin and he as used porn for so long , he only had sex with me once ..I cry and ache for closeness and inmatecy .. I feel like iam not sexy or not wanted sexually ...please help if you can...
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