One Woman's Reproductive Coercion Story

What kind of woman ends up in an abusive relationship, facing reproductive coercion among other forms of abuse? It is impossible to fit domestic abuse into a neat box, as much as we'd like to. Abuse happens to all kinds of women, and all kinds of women find it terribly hard to get out. I'm sharing one woman's story here, to give reproductive coercion a face. 

Violet is an articulate, highly educated and well-read woman who has no trouble taking a stand on many political issues. We met through friends, and started hanging out at local parks a few years back after we found out our two kids really hit it off. Having someone who was into many of the same things I cared about to talk to was marvelous — park days were much less boring for me now I had someone to talk to.

We both feel passionate about homebirth, breastfeeding, the environment and classical literature. Violet turned out to be a great friend, but I soon discovered she was also carrying around a dark secret, and a heavy burden. Her handsome husband was eight years her junior. He worked abroad for months at a time, and when he returned he initially worked hard to make me and the other park moms like him.

It was clear something wasn't quite right rather soon, though. Violet's husband was a controlling jerk. He would either show up at the park to monitor her activities (then, he'd tell all the other moms she was cheating on him), or else would call her on her cellphone every 30 minutes or so. When he went off to work again, he'd paradoxically completely vanish, leaving Violet to struggle with finances — he “wouldn't let her get a job”, so she was dependent on him. 

Since I've known her, Violet's husband has done some pretty shocking things. He beat her up, kicked her in the abdomen while pregnant, and left them without money for basic needs like food. But the way in which he has been manipulating her reproductive life is perhaps the most surprising side of this woman's life.

One time, she asked me to babysit her son so she could get an abortion. The back story? Her husband was convinced that she had cheated on him, and didn't want the baby. She felt she had no choice. Another time, she asked to borrow a book I have about herbs, including herbal birth control, because her husband didn't want her to go on the pill. She eventually got pregnant again, and again her husband was sure she cheated. He vanished for nine months, telling everyone around her that she had been unfaithful and he wasn't the baby's father. Once the baby was born, he came back and played the cheerful, responsible daddy.

After Violet had her second child, she asked friends to get her the morning-after pill many times, because he was hell-bent on getting her pregnant again. His constant presence meant she could not just go to the doctor, and the park was her only refuge. 

Partner violence is a complex issue. Most people, including me, would ask why Violet and women like her don't simply leave their abusive partners. Many try, only to come back again — Violet too. This is where reproductive coercion proves to be such a powerful form of abuse. Denying a woman access to birth control, and forcing her to get pregnant and have children gives abusive men a real edge:

• The children become a pawn, and the fear that the man would get custody over the kids if the abused woman were to leave is very real for many.

• Taking care of young children places the woman at a distinct economic disadvantage, which keeps them dependent on their abusive partners.

• Being violated in this frighteningly intimate way strips the woman of her basic dignity. When an abused woman is robbed of her confidence, she is less likely to leave.

• Single parenthood still presents a stigma in many communities, and women with children may feel they are stuck in the abusive relationship.

Violet continues to be in an on-off relationship with her abusive husband, though she can see the situation clearly and has tried to leave several times. When her husband kicked her in the abdomen during her last pregnancy in front of a police officer (she'd called the police when he beat her up), she managed to get a restraining order against him. He was deemed unsafe and wasn't allowed to see his children. Despite that, she allowed him into her life again — and had another abortion.

Why? “I'm not ready, I'm not strong enough to be without him,” is the most truthful answer she can come up with. Yet, she is quite aware she and her children are victims, and allowed me to share her story anonymously. She says she will leave, one day. These women often meet with judgement from society, including from healthcare providers. Whether you want to judge these women or feel compassionate, one thing is clear: many abused women do not leave their relationships, and these women have a very real need for reproductive care and birth control.