Could Your Boyfriend Be Autistic?

Did you know that men are more likely to be diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder than women?

It's true.

1 in 42 American boys and 1 in 189 American girls are diagnosed as being on the Autism spectrum. Now - with increased awareness, better understanding and a greater ability to talk about our health - these children are more likely to be diagnosed before they reach adulthood.

This was not always the case.

Although Autism was first observed in 1943, previous generations have been less understanding of conditions on the autism spectrum. While more research was undertaken in the 1970s and 80s, parents still confused autism with being psychotic and intellectually disabled.

As a result, many adults today are still undiagnosed.

What is autism?

Autism is a general term for a group of brain disorders. Disorders on the autism spectrum cause difficulties, to varying extent, with communication, social interaction, and repetitive behaviours.

At its most severe extent, disorders on the autism spectrum can cause intellectual disability, loss of skills (where skills are learnt by the age of twelve months and then lost), and poor motor skills. Such disorders on the autism spectrum are typically diagnosed before the age of three years old.

However, higher-functioning disorders on the autism spectrum, such as Asperger's Syndrome, may not have such profound and noticeable symptoms. People with Asperger's Syndrome may have poor social skills, focused interests (such as a keen interest in trains, computers, or art), and altered sensitivity sound, touch, taste or smell.

With these symptoms, it's not surprising that many adults with higher-functioning forms of autism have been undiagnosed for many years.

READ So Your Child Has Autism: Now What?

Could my boyfriend have autism?

Does your boyfriend show a strange lack of social skills, an inability to detect that you're not fine when you fold your arms and say - in that low voice - "I'm fine"? Does he say, when you ask "Don't you like my mother", "No, not really", or - when you ask the age-old "Does my bum look big in this" - does he look, before he says, "It's fine"?

Does he know each chord of every song Blink-182 ever released, or the code of every computer game ever made, but have only the vaguest notion of the month in which you have your three-year anniversary?

Does he choose the precise moment when you're unclogging the stopped-up sink - elbow-deep in gunk - to ask why his blue shirt, which he always wears on Wednesdays, is not hanging on the back of the wardrobe, as it should be on Tuesday night?

Is he always asking you to turn down the sound on the TV, because it's too loud, to the point where you need subtitles in order to know what people are saying?

If so, your man is one of the many experiencing undiagnosed Asperger's Syndrome. Males make up 90% of Asperger's Syndrome diagnoses.

Britain's leading autism expert, Prof. Simon Baron-Cohen, argues that autism is actually a case of just having an "extreme male brain". This theory is now called the Extreme Male Brain (EMB) theory of autism.

Diagnosis, and the Future with a Boyfriend on the Autistic Spectrum

The importance of diagnosis

If your boyfriend or partner has an autism spectrum disorder, it's important to get a diagnosis.

Due to problems with social interactions (preferring to be alone/engaging in social interactions that make others uncomfortable) and repetitive behaviours, many adults with autism have received diagnoses of mental illness, such as depression or schizophrenia.

Also, by being diagnosed, your boyfriend or partner will be eligible for more support at work, and will be able to access support groups, with people who understand. You, too, would benefit from joining support groups for the relatives and partners of people with autism.

Friends and relatives will also be better understand why your partner behaves in a way they may regard as "quirky".

Getting a Diagnosis

The symptoms of autism vary widely from individual to individual.

In the UK, your partner's best bet is to see a multi-disciplinary diagnostic team. Some allow you to refer yourself, but - in most cases - your partner will need to talk to their GP first. Go along with them, and present your case for referral: why you and your partner think they may be autistic. Highlight:

• Any social problems, such as inappropriate behaviour, or preferring to be alone
• Any difficulties communicating, such as not understanding irony or common idioms, like that "I'll be back in a minute" does not literally mean you'll be back in one minute
• Any problems understanding someone else's point of view, or putting themselves in another's shoes
• Any fixations on hobbies or routines
• Any sensitivities, or lack of, to light, sound, or touch.

If your GP does refer you, print out a list of multi-disciplinary teams in your area for them to choose from and take it along (if you're in the UK, please see links, below).

If you're in the USA, there are few specialists capable of diagnosing autism in adults (although this is changing). Try finding a specialist autism centre, such as an Autism Speaks Treatment Center (see links). If there are no centres close to you, try finding a specialist who works with autism in children, such as a developmental paediatrician or a paediatric neurologist, explain your case and ask if they would work with you or know of a colleague who would see you.

READ Applied Behavior Analysis And Autism: Does It Really Work?

A Happy Relationship

It is possible to have a happy and long-term relationship with an adult with high-functioning autism. You just have to know a little about the person you love.

1. Try seeing a psychologist: Working with a psychologist, or well-qualified and experienced therapist, can help your partner learn some relationship skills. Also, work with him to explain what gestures like kisses mean.
2. Tell your partner how you feel and why: He doesn't pick up your nonverbal clues. If you say "I'm fine", with your arms crossed and your feet pointed away from him, he'll think "Good". He won't know you're in a mood, or why. So tell him, "I'm cross because you..."
3. Engage with his interests: Rather than have awkward date-nights, where you eat dinner and make small-talk, try and have some dates where you can both share his passions. If his passion is art, take him to a gallery or do a hands-on class together.
4. Don't use sarcasm: He won't understand it like your other friends do. Minimally, he'll be confused. He could even be hurt or upset.
5. Ask for clarification: Sometimes people with autism use exceptionally long words (they may "perambulate" instead of "walk"), or not answer questions directly. If you don't understand what's being said, don't be afraid to ask for clarification.
6. Tolerate quirks: Say your boyfriend always wears his blue shirt and argyle socks on Wednesdays, or refuses to talk to anyone for more than one minute on the phone. Try to be tolerant. Remember these quirks are probably related to autism. However, if they're really hard to bear, have a conversation with him. Explain that sometimes you can't say everything you need to say in one minute and that you get stressed when you have to rush.
7. Be comfortable spending time alone: Your partner will need some space, to pursue projects or just be alone with his thoughts. You can learn to relish that quiet time, to read, write your magnum opus, or just enjoy a long soak in the bath.

READ Relationships: Do You Turn Things Around to Control?

The Benefits of a Partner with Autism

Sarah Henrickx, whose partner Keith - a computer programmer - was diagnosed as an adult, shortly after they met, and who has now written a book about her experiences, Asperger Syndrome: A Love Story, can see definite upsides to having a partner on the autistic spectrum, saying that women with partners with autism are blessed with a:

"committed, logical, practical, non-cheating man who wants a peaceful life, will be dedicated to the relationship and won’t drink, waste money or flirt with other women – given that he doesn’t even know how to flirt!...He will do anything for you – just as long as you tell him what to do. Don’t expect him to anticipate it."