Maybe I've got amnesia, but I really don't think my kids used to fight this much when they were toddlers, preschoolers, and even younger school-aged kids. The verbal conflicts my two engage in are so bad that short-term memory loss wouldn't stop me from noticing the bickering — it's almost constant right now.
My teen and tween are not really arguing about the big things in life, like, I don't know, social values or something. It's the little things that trigger the explosions. Who should brush their teeth first? Who gets the opportunity to cook? What should we watch on TV? Is Iron Man dumb? Is it OK to come into your sib's room unannounced and try to see what they're doing online? It's seemingly always "fight time" in our house right now, and it drives me up the f****** wall.
Why do adolescent siblings have so many arguments?
Researchers call these fights "interpersonal conflict", and teens are actually pretty notorious for it. It's just that, while we were probably warned that we, as parents, would be targets as far back as when our kids were still in the womb, someone might have forgotten to mention that teens with siblings also get into arguments with each other.
These verbal conflicts are all related to the kinds of cognitive developments adolescents go through, such as:
- Improved complex-thinking and reasoning abilities.
- More extensive identity formation.
- Questioning authority and societal norms.
- Developing opinions and forming ideological stances.
- Having less tolerance for views other than their own.
When we see the fights our children get into with each other in this way, perhaps we should just be grateful they're not taking it all out on us all the time?
What consequences does sibling conflict have?
A friend of mine repeatedly shares that her slightly older sister "bossed her around" throughout childhood. The domineering sister's antics reached their peak when my conflict-avoidant (and middle child) friend was in her teens and young adulthood, during which she grudgingly put up with them. Now in her fifties, she's since spoken out on occasion but the end result is simply that my friend just doesn't like her sister very much. It's the kind of scenario I frankly simply dread for my own kids, especially because they don't have much family around.
Does adolescent sibling conflict predict a "doom and gloom prognosis"? In other words, do teen siblings who seem to hate each other grow up to be adult siblings who can't stand to share the same space? I turned to science to find out.
So, this kind of supports my on inherent idea that it's a good idea to try to do something about these conflicts, rather than, as someone suggested to me, merely telling them to take it outside so I can't hear. As my friend's story demonstrates, after all, it may not be "just a phase", and these teen conflicts could have a lasting impact on their relationships as adults.
What can we, as parents, do about adolescent sibling conflicts?
OK, just telling them to knock it off hasn't worked. What's next?
Some very general things you can do to help your t(w)een learn to handle disagreements constructively include:
- Spending quality time with each of your children individually, asking them about their opinions and interests, and modeling healthy and productive disagreement while you're doing it.
- Encouraging empathy. "Put yourself in the other person's shoes". You don't have to agree to understand, and sometimes understanding is all that's needed.
- Complimenting your kids when they handle a conflict — any conflict — well, and explaining why you thought their deescalation tactics were great.
- Treating your children... if not equally, then equitably. This means being "fair" and acting in a way your kids will likely perceive as such. An example of the opposite of fair would be getting angry with one child when they don't do their chores, while letting another get away with lazy behavior. Fairness minimizes the potential for resentment, which can foster conflict.
- Making sure your kids can get away from each other and have their own personal space when they really need it.
- Giving your tweens and teens other ways to engage in that important identity work they are doing, like joining a debate club, arguing with them yourself, or becoming involved in the community.
- Setting sensible boundaries. Ban physical fights.
- OK, and also — if it's really not that bad or that often, let the arguments go and really do let them work it out for themselves. Handling things on their own is important at this stage.
- Not a totally serious suggestion, but in my experience, it does work. If you start nagging the h*ll out of your kids, they'll unite in battle against you and make friends again.
I'm going to be reading some books about productive conflict resolution with my kids, next, which they may welcome or be quite grumpy about. Yeah, I know. This too shall pass. I just hope it passes in a way that ends with a positive relationship between my kids.