How (And Why) To Discuss Race And Racism With Your White Kids

"This is from Uncle Seth and Aunt Cynthia. Go ahead, open it," a woman, most likely the children's mother, said to two little red-haired white girls, handing them a huge gift bag. The girls are excited to open the Christmas gift, until, that is, two black dolls are unveiled. In a mocking voice, the woman goes on to ask the kids what's wrong. The smaller kid starts to cry. Laughter can be heard. The kid eventually throws the doll away, violently. More laughter.

Is racism funny, then?

The video depicting these events went viral. Thankfully, another video soon followed, one demonstrating parenting done right. Two different little white girls received black dolls for Christmas as well, but these girls are all smiles about their gifts. The smaller girl told her mom that she best liked that the doll "comes with clothes", while the bigger one says she likes the way the dolls look, hugging her doll tightly and stroking its hair. "What about how they look?" the mom asks. "They have hair and they have eyes," the smaller girl says. 

Both of these videos — which, if you're on Facebook, you've almost certainly seen at least one of — are very telling. They don't constitute a scientific study, however. The same can't be said for the landmark Doll Test conducted in the 1940s, that aimed to find out how kids viewed race. Back then, black dolls did not actually exist, so the researchers had to paint a white doll brown. Both black and white kids were found to prefer white dolls in overwhelming numbers.

CNN aimed to replicate that test in the twenty-first century. Had views changed? A little. Both white and black kids still showed a preference for white dolls and cartoon characters. However, child psychologist Margaret Beale Spencer, whom CNN hired to conduct the new pilot study, said: 

"All kids on the one hand are exposed to the stereotypes. What's really significant here is that white children are learning or maintaining those stereotypes much more strongly than the African-American children. Therefore, the white youngsters are even more stereotypic in their responses concerning attitudes, beliefs and attitudes and preferences than the African-American children."

In other words, we still don't live in a "post-race society", and white parents of white children are in a unique position to help ensure that, should the Doll Test be repeated in 20 or so years time, the results will be a whole lot different. The question is, then — how can you raise children who respond to black dolls by saying they appreciate their clothes, hair and eyes, rather than by crying? How do you teach your white child not just to be non-racist, but also anti-racist?

The Case Against 'Colorblindness'

"But why should I talk about race? Aren't we all just people?", you may ask, particularly if you are a white Millennial who was raised on a diet of colorblindness. The simple answer to this common question is that it's impossible to discuss racism — and why racism is wrong — without also discussing race. 

It's because people of color have a long history, one that's still being played out in the present too, of being marginalized and discriminated against that we need to tackle these discussions in a frank and open manner, rather than simply offering the idea that everyone is equal.

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As the Doll Test shows, along with studies that reveal that even infants notice racial differences, kids are very much not colorblind. Children notice skin color and other personal features quite naturally without any intervention, whether you want them to or not. What they won't simply see, however, is the history that led to the racism we still have today.

Without talking about racism, kids are much more likely to pick up the stereotypical and prejudices ideas that are doubtless in their lives somewhere, whether in school, on TV, or in a grandparent. Research shows, pretty consistently, that it's by talking about race, racism, and differences that we bring down levels of prejudice in children. So go ahead, tackle these discussions head on, without fear. 

But I Still Don't Know How To Talk To My Kids About Race

So, you still don't know how to talk to your kids about race? That's OK. It's a complex topic. Thankfully, there's lots you can do. When discussing race and racism, it's important to keep things age-appropriate, however. 

What You Can Do With Your Preschool-Aged Child

Children will ask questions:

• Why do I have lighter skin than my friend?
• Why is my skin called yellow, though it's tan?
• Why is my friend dark, but her mom is white?
• Look at that man! Why does he have such a big/small nose?
• Will that black color come off when she washes?

Some of the questions preschoolers ask can be incredibly uncomfortable to us, but young kids — not yet having learned that race is a sensitive issue — do not see it in this light. Your best bet is to answer your young child's questions in a frank and simple manner. And if you don't know the answer yourself? Well, Google is your friend. 

In addition, you can nurture your young child's appreciation for diversity by discussing different foods, by playing music from different cultures, and by enrolling them in preschools or activities that are diverse. You can also find lots of picture books about historical figures such as Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks, that introduce children to the civil rights movement in an age-appropriate way. Besides that, you can commit to including as many books, cartoons and games that feature people of diverse backgrounds.

What About Early Elementary Kids?

Roughly between the ages of five and eight, children become more aware of societal attitudes towards race. If they belong to a marginalized group, a child will become more aware of racism at this stage. If they're white, this is the stage at which any prejudices that were previously picked up may become a part of their sense of self, of their budding belief system. 

It is at this point that you can have more in-depth and meaningful conversations with your child, to teach them about the history of racism and anti-racism, and familiarize them with other cultures through friends, relatives, and media. Ask questions about what it means to be of Italian, Chinese, or African-American heritage. Watch movies and documentaries. Continue to encourage exposure to diversity in real life and through media.

And Older Kids?

From the age of nine or so, kids develop an ever-deepening sense of self, of culture, and of history. This is where things can really get interesting for the parent — as your child becomes a capable conversational partner, you can discuss both history and the present in a lot of detail. Using a dialogue-based system in which you ask questions rather than offering up information works well for this age group. 

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Children can, from age nine or so, watch and read the news with their parents and have critical conversations about the meaning of current affairs. Try to ask how someone of Differing ethnic heritage would feel about the news, about a game that features only white people, or a doll company that sells exclusively white dolls.