My Child Is Being Bullied: How Can I Protect Them?

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me." This children's rhyme may be popular, but it is also plain wrong — children who are the targets of bullying may experience extreme stress, fear of school or the neighborhood, academic underperformance, physical symptoms of illness, and even suicidal feelings. Bullying, whether it involves physical harassment or is limited to verbal abuse, is far from harmless. It destroys childhoods. 

If you're anything like me, a 30-something parent, you will probably have heard some of the same things I did from your parents and your general environment. "Ignore the bullies." "Just be nice, and it will be fine." "Don't tattle — sort it out among your friends." "Just be yourself, and they'll like you." Then there's, of course, "This is a normal part of childhood."

These messages, while they can make the adults involved in the lives of children who are the targets of bullying feel like they are doing something, are actually far from helpful.

Bullying Defined

Bullying is a multifaceted concept, and one that has evolved a bit since the current generation of parents were children. There is, of course, name-calling, gossiping, excluding a child from activities, systematically setting out to socially isolate a child from their peer group, and spreading rumors about a child. In today's world, depending on your child's age, much of that will be developing online and through smart phones — peers may spread gossip using text messages or messaging systems, and through social media, and this may include pictures. Cyberbullying can also be perpetrated by members of the child's online community, in other words people they don't know in real life. 

In addition to these vicious forms of mental harassment, which are quite enough to destroy a child's quality of life, bullying may also include physical harassment. Kicking, punching, breaking their things, and attempting to manipulate a child into sexual activities can all be part of bullying.

The really shocking statistic is represented by the 85 percent of bullying cases in which schools don't make an effective effort to halt bullying. That means much of the responsibility to improve your child's quality of life falls on you, the parent. 

Bullying: Tell-Tale Signs Your Child May Be A Victim

In the best-case scenario, your child will have simply told you — or perhaps their teacher, or a grandparent, or another trusted adult — what has been happening. That does not, unfortunately, always happen. For various reasons, including fear and shame, your child may be very reluctant to talk about their experience.

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Signs that something is wrong, and that your child is possibly being bullied, can include:

• Your child doesn't talk about friends at school, and doesn't seem to have any. 
• Your child is reluctant to go to school, and may even frequently suffer from tummy aches or headaches, and use them as a reason to avoid school. 
• Your child's academic performance is suffering. 
• Your child has become withdrawn, aggressive, or sad much of the time.
• Clothes or other items go missing without explanation, or your child has unexplained bruises.
• Your child is suddenly spending much more or less time online, and doesn't want to talk about why or what they are doing online.

My Child Is Being Bullied: What Now?

What should you do if your child has just told you, or you suspect, that they are being bullied at school, at a sports class, at the bus stop, online, or anywhere else? Many of us will doubtless have the instant urge to turn into that parent bear, feeling immense anger towards those who harmed our child and wanting to take drastic measures to make it stop — right now. Remember, however, that your child has been facing inner turmoil, perhaps for quite a while already. They need you to be their rock right now, not another frighteningly unpredictable factor in their life. 

Active Listening

The UK's National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children, the NSPCC, advises parents of bullied children to give them the space to describe their experience in their own words. That means that you should listen calmly, acknowledging what they are saying to you and asking open-ended questions. Of course, verbalize that nobody deserves to be treated like that and that what your child is experiencing is very wrong — and you're there, to help discover solutions.

Bullying Journals And The Next Step

The NSPCC also suggests that you help your child keep a diary of bullying incidents, so they have something concrete to show to those in authority, teachers or school administrators for example. You will have to discuss, together, how to approach the relevant authorities about what has been happening. Check their anti-bullying policies in advance and see what possible solutions are, and talk about whether you're going in to talk about the issue together, or whether your child would prefer you to take care of that. 

Beware — even schools with excellent anti-bullying policies may meet your initial whistle-blowing with empty phrases like "I haven't seen that happening, are you sure your child isn't exaggerating?", or "your child is sensitive, maybe they need to grow a thicker skin". It happens. What if it does? Don't give up. Talk to people higher up the chain, and be the advocate your child needs.

Though some would disagree, I believe that moving your child to a different school is a perfectly acceptable solution to bullying at school. Similarly, if an extracurricular activity is the setting of your child's experience with bullying, it may be time to look into a new activity. A higher level of monitoring your child's online activities, or even deleting their social media accounts, may be a good step if your child is dealing with online bullying — with their consent, of course. When a situation becomes so painful that your child's quality of life is affected, removing them from that situation is a logical decision! 

Help Your Child Develop A New Social Network

Is there someone at school your child does love socializing with, or perhaps several peers? Foster those healthy relationships by inviting those kids into your home. Look into enrolling your child into new activities where nobody who knows they are being bullied is present, and connect with old friends and cousins.

Rebuilding Your Child's Self Confidence

Any child can be the target of bullying. It, is, however, often the things that make them different to the rest of their peer group that lead children with already ingrained bullying behaviors to latch on to them. Whether your child is short, or tall, or has an unusual hair color, or a different skin color to most of their peers, or different interests, anything that makes them stand out can cause bullies to take note.

Bullying may be an incredibly serious problem, one that has led some children to commit suicide and others to attack their bullies, but do make sure that your child has plenty of opportunity to regain their self confidence.

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You can also, if you think it is necessary and you can afford it, look into counseling sessions for your child. In counseling sessions with a qualified therapist, you child can learn new tools to keep mean people at bay and to feel good about themselves. Above all, however, make sure your child knows you are always there for them, keep listening, and keep looking for solutions together.