Quit Letting Your Stress Stress Your Kids

Raising kids can be challenging and — let's face it — stressful at times. Tantrums, sibling rivalry, aggressive play, an unwillingness to help with chores, puberty and less than stellar academic achievements are examples of parenting challenges that can make moms and dads feel really stressed out.

Are you dealing with stress in your own life while you wonder how to overcome these and other issues with your children? Financial worries, being over-stretched at work, and illness in the family are some of the most common stressors for adults. Stress changes the way we react, and it's quite possible that the behavior you would like to change in your kids is a direct result of the way you handle stress.

How does your stress impact the way you parent — and the behavioral problems you see in your kids? And how can you turn a stressful situation into an opportunity to bond with your children rather that a problem that harms your relationship?

What's Your Stress Style?

When I'm stressed, I tend to become more aggressive. My patience goes right out the window, my expectations become unrealistic, and I yell. This kind of "pull-your-hair-out", in your face reaction to stress is common. If you react in the same way, you might well take it out on your kids who are, perhaps, more likely to simply take it than your partner and other adults in your life.

There are other stress styles, however. Some people react to stress by becoming withdrawn and uncommunicative. Parents who lock themselves in their own minds when they are stressed might not yell at their kids, but they are not able to care for them effectively either. Your child might be eager to tell you all about his friends and his day at school, but you're not able to go beyond, "yes, I am listening to you" — when you are really thinking about that deadline at work or that unexpected medical bill.

Yet others feel the need to pour their hearts out constantly, talking about the stressful situation constantly and analyzing all aspects of it. Parents who are this way inclined might prematurely expose their children to heavy topics that they can't possibly help solve. A child who constantly worries about their dad being laid off from work, cancer treatment, or the political situation in Syria could result.

Serial displays of sadness and anxiety are a variation of this same reaction. You might not mention what is making you so stressed, but your crying will let your kids know that something is seriously wrong. Without actually being aware of what is bothering you, your children might come up with terrible disaster scenarios.

It's also possible to react to stress by attempting to avoid thinking about it. You could achieve this by chatting about irrelevant things as much as you can, or cleaning the house compulsively, or turning into a helicopter parent who manages to regain the illusion of some degree of control by micromanaging everything your child does.

Finally, engaging in an addiction is a stress style that can seriously impact your children. Comfort eating is one common form of this, but addictions more widely recognized as harmful should also be mentioned — alcohol abuse and smoking are examples.

Read More: How And Why To Eliminate Yelling From Your Repertoire Of Parenting Tricks

Recognizing your personal stress style and, just as importantly, the things that are most likely to make you stressed, can help you to minimize the negative impact your stress has on your children.

Positively Parenting Through Stress

Do you want to remain a positive and attentive parent while you are stressed? Whether you're dealing with every-day stresses or catastrophic events, there often isn't much you can do to change your reality. What you can do, however, is acknowledge you are stressed.

Your stress-recognition routine might look something like this:

1. Realize you are stressed, either by analyzing your emotions or your behavior.
2. Take a deep breath.
3. Ask yourself how your stress is impacting your interactions with your children.
4. Engage in healthy stress-relief techniques.
5. Tell your kids that you are stressed right now and it is not their fault.
6. Talk about why if you feel the need, and explain what you are doing to feel less stressed.
7. Spend time doing something you enjoy with your children.

Healthy Stress-Relief Behaviors

There are numerous healthy coping techniques that will enable you to deal with the stresses you are faced with. Take your pick.

Talking to your partner, friends, relatives — or sharing your troubles on an online forum like the SteadyHealth discussion boards — will all give you feedback from someone else and make sure you don't keep it all inside. Keeping a journal is another powerful way to crystallize your thoughts and feel better. However you choose to talk about your stressors, talking ensures you are not in denial and are less likely to turn to unhealthy ways of dealing.

If it's being terribly busy that is causing you stress, quit sweating the small stuff — even if that is in your nature. Make a list of things that need to get done and other things you do, and see what you can cross off. It's OK if you say no to social gatherings, or a clean and tidy house, or home cooking, or... anything else. It's probably only temporary.

Neglecting to look after you own basic needs is also a big no-no, since this will make you feel even more depleted and stressed. So feel free to take time out whenever you can, and engage in things that are truly relaxing for you.

Establish a stable home environment that promotes a sense of safety and security. Maintain consistent routines, provide a nurturing atmosphere, and ensure open communication within the family. Shield your children from unnecessary exposure to stressors or conflicts that might be causing your own stress and anxiety. This could include limiting their exposure to heated discussions, news events that might be distressing, or adult conversations that could be overwhelming for them.

There are several cliché things you can do that actually work — including faking it until you make it, remembering things you can be grateful for, and helping those who are less fortunate. Try to maintain a positive and optimistic outlook in front of your children, even during challenging times. This doesn't mean denying or suppressing your emotions, but rather emphasizing resilience and problem-solving. Focus on finding solutions and highlighting the strengths and positive aspects of situations.

Also try exercising together with your kids to get those stress hormones out of your system, and laughing together. Laughing is a scientifically-proven anti-stress mechanism!

Read More: Parenting Advice: How to Spend Quality Time With your Kids

Talking About Your Stress

Are you tempted to try to hide your stress? Don't think for a moment that it will work. Are you tempted to employ your child as a free, unskilled therapist? That won't work either. The golden middle way is mentioning you're stressed and telling your kids your stress is not their fault. You can talk about why you are stressed if you want, but children don't usually need to hear all the small details.

Encourage open and honest communication with your children. Create a safe space where they feel comfortable expressing their feelings and concerns. Be available to listen actively, validate their emotions, and provide reassurance. However, avoid burdening them with your own anxieties or using them as emotional confidants.

What you can talk about in as much detail as you want is how you cope with stress. Modeling healthy coping behaviors will help your children for the rest of their lives. At the same time, you can help your kids identify their stress style and their stressors. Developing healthy ways of dealing with their stress is a bonding exercise that will benefit both of you immensely.

Children learn from observing their parents. Show them healthy ways to manage stress and anxiety by practicing self-care, engaging in relaxation techniques, maintaining a balanced lifestyle, and seeking support when needed. This teaches children important skills for managing their own emotions.