Single Mothers By Choice: Why (And How) Some Women Decide To Go It Alone

Single mothers by choice are women who consciously choose to pursue motherhood solo. Are you currently toying with the idea of becoming a single mother by choice, or are you simply curious about how it's done? Here, we'll tackle the options. 

Why Would You Want To Become A Single Mother By Choice?

Why would anyone become a single mother by choice? That's a question that would pop into many people's minds. Single motherhood has a reputation for being hard and — though arguably less than ever before — it is still stigmatized. Before anyone could even try to answer that question, another thing to ask is why anyone becomes a parent. 

Here, we've got answers. At a basic level, they are pretty simple too:

• People want to raise a child.
• Babies are cute.
• People experience the unexplainable desire to reproduce — it's part of our DNA. (OK, OK, I am not sure how scientific that last part actually is, but it is certainly part of the human survival instinct.)
• People who already have kids may find that they really enjoy parenthood and also that they would like to offer their child a sibling or several.
• For people who are sexually active, pregnancy can simply happen — sometimes because birth control fails and sometimes because they weren't using any.
• Members of a couple want to share their love by having a child or children together.

Yeah, that's a bit of an oversimplification, but it probably sums the reasons why people become parents up pretty well. I had a baby because I felt the unexplainable urge to reproduce, and because babies are cute. Then, I had a second baby because I enjoyed raising a child and would like to do more of that. Also, I really wanted my daughter to have a sibling. From the options on the list, there are only two that don't apply to single mothers by choice: the last two. Though single mothers by choice may be sexually active, the "choice" bit generally refers to a planned path to motherhood. As single women, single mothers by choice (SMCs for short) aren't part of a couple so the final option isn't one that refers to their situation.

Why go it alone? There are two main reasons. Some SMCs originally hoped to find a partner and parent together with someone else, and others simply prefer doing it alone. That's the simple part, really. Now, how do you become a single mother by choice? If you're currently contemplating this choice, you may find that that is the hard part. If you are hoping to become pregnant and give birth to your baby, there are many ways to achieve that.

READ Known Donor Or Sperm Bank? Options For People Considering Sperm Donation To Become Parents

If you are hoping to become a mother through adoption, you'll likewise find there are numerous options: fostering to adopt, domestic adoption, and international adoption. Note that not all adoption options will be open to single women. Some countries will only allow married couples to adopt, while many have age limits that may affect you. Because SteadyHealth is a health-related website, this piece will focus on conceiving with donor sperm. You will find an overview of the different options on the next page.

Becoming A Single Mother By Choice Through Pregnancy And Birth: Insemination Options And Choosing Your Sperm Donor

Choosing Your Sperm Donor

Some women choose to go with a known donor, which is basically what it says on the tin: someone you know personally. For some, this choice ensures that they know the character and medical history of the donor, while others specifically choose donors who are willing to play some role in the child's life — as an "uncle figure" or so they can ask him questions face to face when they feel the need. The term "known sperm donor" can also refer to someone who provided their identity to a sperm bank. Children usually gain access to this information when they turn 18, so this is also known as "identity-release donor".

Other women decide to go with a sperm bank. Sperm banks offer you the opportunity to browse through a catalog of available donors. You'll find out basic information about the donor's medical history and physical attributes as well as whether they are going to be an anonymous donor or are willing to supply their identity (regulations about ID-release vs anonymous sperm donors vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction).

Now, depending on the type of donor you choose, different insemination options may be available. 

Single Mothers By Choice: Your Insemination Options

The most simple, no-frills option is intravaginal insemination. This involves depositing the donor sperm into the vagina using a syringe. Women who are using a donor they know personally may do this in the comfort of their own home, while ovulating or a day or so beforehand. (Always have known donors checked for sexually transmitted diseases beforehand!) Vials of sperm can usually only be sent to fertility clinics or other medical facilities because a medical professional has to sign off on them. If you are using a sperm bank, this may limit your options and you may have to have your insemination done at a clinic.

Intrauterine insemination (IUI) is a slightly more involved procedure during which sperm is placed directly into the uterus, as the term suggests. Sperm used for IUI has to go through a "sperm washing" procedure, as the prostaglandins present in unwashed sperm irritate the uterus. IUI is usually administered in combination with fertility drugs, commonly Clomid. Not only is this an advantage for women who have ovulation disorders, it also gets a woman on a predictable menstrual cycle that makes timing the IUI procedure much easier. In the US, the cost of intrauterine insemination is generally up to $5000 per cycle, including Clomid.

IVF, invitro fertilization, is not going to be necessary for single mothers by choice unless they also have fertility issues or are older. In the latter case, some women who want to be SMCs may also consider using an egg donor. IVF is most certainly the most expensive option.

One final option I don't really even want to mention is so-called "natural insemination", or having intercourse with the donor. The vast majority of potential SMCs will find the very thought repulsive, but don't be surprised if potential donors suggest it to you.