What's A Real Positive Attitude?

Positive people, in my view, are like javelinas. For those of you who didn't grow up in parts of the world infested by these infamous, wild hogs, a little description may be helpful. Javelinas are not the cute and cuddly little piglets that show up in movies like Babe. They are tough. They tend to dig in their hoofs and stake out their territory. They fight off challenges, and they are wonderfully gifted at surviving under all kinds of conditions. None of these characteristics make javelinas especially popular. Where I live, there are even bounties for killing them. However, the javelina is anything but an endangered species. The javelina is a survivor.

If you can't get your mind around the idea of a Texas wild hog as a model for positive attitudes, consider the aardvark. Aardvarks, like many cancer patients, are nearly hairless. They have an especially keen sense of smell, which they mainly use to feed on termites, grasshoppers, and ants. When they are threatened, even if they are flat on their backs, they fight back on all-fours, hitting their enemy with all they've got.

In javelinas, aardvarks, and cancer patients, efficacy is what keeps up spirits. Efficacy is knowing that what you do makes a difference. Efficacy isn't all about knowing how to do something. It's also about using that knowledge to achieve desired results so you can look back on your efforts and see how they benefited your life. Fatalism, on the other hand, is a passive approach. Seeking God's plan can take the place of pursuing your own. Taking each day into your own hands can build up your self-esteem and help you deal with loss and disability.

How can kind friends and family members assist the suffering in increasing efficacy?

• Be there. Answer the phone. Respond to the text message. Reply to the email. Visit. Keep your friend or family member in the loop. Friends who are present during good times and bad relieve anxiety and help others find their own paths to success.
• Give and accept sincere compliments. Pointing out what's good about someone despite their situation, and accepting validation as a token of respect, helps both you and the person you are trying to help.
• Be patient with "moods." People who are chronically ill or chronically in pain tend to "fly off the handle" now and then. If your friend or family member expresses anger or irritation, but their anger isn't directed at you, don't make it a major issue if it only occurs occasionally.
• Allow for strength in numbers. Help your friend in need connect with others. It's easier to become distracted from pain or loss the more people one is around. Invite you friend to "normal" gatherings, such as meals, parties, and meetings.
• Allow for relaxation. Someone who is sick may not move as quickly as you do. Don't make them race you to a vehicle, for example, if you are giving them a ride. Allow them to speak at their own pace or eat at their own pace, within reasonable limits.

READ Going Through Grief

It's always possible that you will have to negotiate "boundary issues." The best way to handle this is to go slow. Be supportive, but not obsessive, and be present, but don't "move in." Being a great friend takes practice.