Wondering If Your Child Is Ready To Go Out Or Stay Home Alone?

That first smile. Those first solids. The first steps. Their first temper tantrum, "I don't need your help, I can do it myself", putting the dishes in the sink, feeding the cat, their first day of school. Your child's life to date has been filled with all kinds of firsts, firsts on their road towards independence. All those moments have been spent under your watchful eye, or the watchful eye of someone else you trust. The next milestone is fundamentally different, though. Is your child ready to walk to school by themselves, or over to their friend's house, or go shopping on their own, or stay at home for a few hours while you attend a party? Is your child, in short, ready to start taking responsibility for their own safety?

This is a scary and exciting moment, both at once — your child has grown and matured to the extent that you're now wondering whether they are ready to stand on their own for a while, to keep themselves in one piece confidently, with skill. 

There is, incidentally, no magic age at which all children become ready for this new level of responsibility, and your child's first steps into the big wide world on their own test you as much as they test your child. It will be you, after all, who needs to decide when your child can handle this. What does your child need to know before they're ready? What do you need to know?

The Very Basics

Any child who is going anywhere on their own needs to know their neighborhood thoroughly in order to avoid getting lost. They should have a deep understanding of road safety as pedestrians and be able to put this knowledge into practice — including, for instance, looking for a quieter crossing as opposed to a really busy one. Your child should know their full name, address, and your phone numbers. They should be able to use a cell phone and have one, ideally. 

You will also have to consider whether it's safer for your child to go out completely by themselves, or for instance with a sibling or friend. Both have pros and cons. If your child is together with others, one can go grab help if something happens. However, children who are busty chattering away with their friends or siblings may also pay less attention to the road and to other people. 

When it comes to staying at home alone, you'll have to talk about some basics too. At my house, that includes not using the stove and running to a neighbor in case of fire, rather than trying to put the fire out. (That means, by the way, that your child will have to be proficient at locking and unlocking doors. Never lock them in without a way to get out because of the risk of fire.)

READ Child Safety 101: Don't Help People Look For Lost Puppies And Other Lessons We're Not Getting Right

Of course, opening the door to strangers is never OK, and neither is letting a stranger know that they are home alone, whether through the door or on the phone — this can let potential predators know that your children are vulnerable. "Mom is in the bath" is a safer thing to say than "mom's not home right now". 

What Your Child Needs To Know Before You Let Them Go Out Alone

Is Your Child Confident Talking To Strangers?

Being out and about in the world on their own means your child has to have the confidence to interact with strangers — a category that includes vague acquaintances like perhaps people who work at your local store, and potentially people they don't know at all, like those at the bus stop or in the queue at the supermarket, and people they may ask for help if they were to get lost or are in danger (about that: tell them to ask a woman, always, as they're statistically safer and more likely to help). 

This may run counter to the common advice parents offer their kids — "don't talk to strangers" — but it is crucial for your child to be able to communicate with people they don't know confidently, as well as to decide when someone gives them the creeps and they should get away from a situation.

If you haven't yet read our piece on why kids should talk to strangers, here's a link. 

READ Talk To Strangers: Why Old-Fashioned 'Stranger Danger' Lessons Get It Wrong

Does Your Child Thoroughly Understand Personal Safety 101?

Children who are ready to be out and about in the world by themselves understand the following. 

• Always avoid disappearing from public view with someone, stranger or not. This can take courage and street smarts — potential predators who want to take your child somewhere can be extremely persuasive, and they may also threaten your child. Remember to tell your child that no adult should ask a child to go somewhere out of public view with them.
• Adults in dire need naturally ask other adults for help, not children. No looking for lost puppies, no getting close to someone's car to give directions, no helping injured people get shopping into their car. 
• If someone makes you scared or creeps you out, get away from them by seeking out a more public place — even if you have no obvious reason to feel the way you do. 
• Your body belongs to you. Nobody should ask you to touch their private parts of have them touch yours, undress, or anything like that. 
• If someone tells you not to yell, do, and if someone asks you not to tell, do. When predators tell you what not to do, they are actually saying what would most harm them.  
• If someone tries to take you away, one of the things you should yell is "this person is not my mom/dad — call 911". 

Can Your Child Put 'Safety Before Politeness' Into Action?

Most parents try their best to raise polite children, and for good reason. Being kind and caring is the best social gel there is, after all! However, when it comes to navigating the world on their own, it is absolutely crucial for your child to put safety before politeness. Children who are ready to be out by themselves are assertive, not afraid to tell adults a clear "no", scream if they need to, and even hurt someone who tries to harm them. Signing your kids up for self-defense classes (including martial arts) is also always a good thing to do.

Have You Checked Your Local Laws?

Some jurisdictions have laws that set forth from which age a child is allowed to be out by themselves or home alone. Check your local laws. Even if there are no specific laws covering this area, it is good to check with other parents and random people to hear their opinions. Sometimes, the single greatest danger involved with allowing your child this increasing freedom is the danger that well-meaning busybodies call Child Protective Services on you. 

Are You Prepared To Hear About Difficulties?

Whether it's encountering peers who bully them, being short-changed in a store, or coming across a creep who asks your kids whether they'd like to get in their car, if you're not prepared to listen to difficulties your child may meet along the way, your family isn't ready for this step yet.