I hope these aren't to over the top!!!
A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that's so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also, he's sooooo dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how long he slept. So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a date with this ravishing buxom blonde.
Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last drink for alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and says, "Let's have this last drink at my apartment."
Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the word, "OK."
They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when the blonde stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment there's one thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle."
He says, "That's ok, I'll follow you in my Honda."
A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with.
A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms. "That will be $1.08, please" says the clerk. "What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde. "It says one dollar right here on the packaging." "Tax" replies the clerk. "Gee" says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."
One day a blonde guy comes home and hears strange noise's from the bedroom and so rushes upstairs to see what was wrong. When he open's the door he sees his wife naked on the bed sweating and panting. "What's going on?" he asked. "I'm having a heart attack" replied his wife. So the man rushes down stair's and pick's up the phone. As he's about to dial his little boy say's "Daddy, uncle Tom's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on." So the man slam's the phone down and goes back to the bedroom, passes his screaming wife and open's the closet door. Sure enough his brother is sitting on the floor of the closet cowering. "You rotten bastard" he said, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kid's"
A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and..". He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear". "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?" "Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes". Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" the doctor
asked. "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way, you have a lovely home."
asked. "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way, you have a lovely home."
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a big city department store - it was the biggest store in the world; you could get ANYTHING there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman
before?". "Yes, I was a salesman back home in the country," said the lad. The boss took a liking to him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and check up on you when we close up." The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly showed up and asked, "How many customers did you snag today?" "One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day! How much was the sale worth?" "Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars!" said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well," said the young salesman, "this man came in and I sold him a small fishhook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.
I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new Deluxe Cruiser." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a FISH HOOK??". "No," answered the young salesman, "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said to him: 'Your weekend's already shot; you may as well go fishing'".
before?". "Yes, I was a salesman back home in the country," said the lad. The boss took a liking to him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and check up on you when we close up." The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly showed up and asked, "How many customers did you snag today?" "One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day! How much was the sale worth?" "Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars!" said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well," said the young salesman, "this man came in and I sold him a small fishhook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.
I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new Deluxe Cruiser." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a FISH HOOK??". "No," answered the young salesman, "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said to him: 'Your weekend's already shot; you may as well go fishing'".
There once was a farmer who had four daughters. He was in the habit of worrying about his daughters and always answered the door with a shotgun. One night he hears a knock on his door and finds a young man standing there. The young man says: "My name is Freddy, I've come to pick up Betty. Were going out for spaghetti, I hope shes ready."
The farmer thought that was cute so he let them go out. Pretty soon another knock on the door and another young man was there. He said: My name is Vance. I've come for Nance. We're going to a dance, is she ready by chance?"
Again the farmer thought it was cute and let them go. Soon another knock on the door with yet another young man standing there. He said: "My name is Moe. I'm here to get Flo. We're going to a show. Is
she ready to go?" Once again the farmer thought it was cute and he let them go. Again there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing there.
He said: "My name is Chuck."
The farmer shot him.
The farmer thought that was cute so he let them go out. Pretty soon another knock on the door and another young man was there. He said: My name is Vance. I've come for Nance. We're going to a dance, is she ready by chance?"
Again the farmer thought it was cute and let them go. Soon another knock on the door with yet another young man standing there. He said: "My name is Moe. I'm here to get Flo. We're going to a show. Is
she ready to go?" Once again the farmer thought it was cute and he let them go. Again there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing there.
He said: "My name is Chuck."
The farmer shot him.
Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee.
One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it."
"I' ve been circumcised." the other one says.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My Mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?"
"Hell yes it hurt, I couldn't walk for a year."
One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it."
"I' ve been circumcised." the other one says.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My Mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?"
"Hell yes it hurt, I couldn't walk for a year."
A group of thieves just stole a truckload of Viagra.
The cops are looking for a bunch of hardened criminals.
The cops are looking for a bunch of hardened criminals.
There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"
Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you."
Ten o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys...
11 o'clock... 12 o'clock...
Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.
Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys???" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.
"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty. "Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"
Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you."
Ten o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys...
11 o'clock... 12 o'clock...
Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.
Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys???" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.
"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty. "Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"