Hello all...I was hoping I could get some insight or advice on a current situation. I am a 25 years old female and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 3 years ago. I have been in an off and on (more off than on) relationship for over 4 years now. I have never cared about someone the way I care for him and I can admit that I am in love with this person but I am f*!king things up tremendously due to my disorder. I wont take all the blame because I am reacting to his actions but I feel as if I reacted better things wouldn't be so turmoil so frequently if I had a hold on how I reacted. I admit I say some really mean things and I am very impulsive, I tend to say a lot of things I do not mean and I do not realize how awful they are until afterwards. Yesterday we had a big argument after some awful things I said and we aren't speaking at the moment, I want to reach out to him but I know he will just shut me down, I apologized yesterday but it didn't seem to do much he didn't seem to care very much. I feel that I should just wait for him to talk (if he ever does) but I so badly want to reach out to him...Does anyone have any suggestions on how to address this???
I should also let you know that I havent been off my meds for about two years now, I didnt like the way they made me feel but after yesterday I am thinking it is defiantly time to go back for help because I can not do this all by myself anymore. I feel as if I am self sabotaging things.
I look forward to hearing your insight and advice.
It is so nice to hear that someone has the same problem as I do. I am currently in a long distance relationship and it has been a constant up and down battle with keeping it together. And by together I mean not getting jealous or insecure and freaking out on him. We have only been dating since the end of February, but I know that I love him. So he left to go back to Wisconsin in April and I live in Colorado. Lately I have been feeling bouts of horrible anxiety and nausea. I haven't had an appetite. I absolutely hate that I feel like i'm going to lose him without even giving it a chance to see where it goes. The truth is our situations are a bit different, but the pain of pushing people you love away is still there. I feel so lost when I do these things.
What I would tell myself and what I would tell you is that you need to get yourself better before you can have a healthy relationship. If you feel like you need the meds, take them. If I had access to meds I would take them because I know that you can only do so much to fight a mental disorder and it is exhausting. To be real I probably shouldn't be pursuing a relationship right now because of my undiagnosed mental health problems. But people with mental health issues absolutely deserve love too. Just because we have a mental health problem does not mean that we shouldn't be loved even when we act irrational and impulsive.
If you feel you have sabotaged your relationship, I'm sorry that sucks and I know the feeling. Try to harness your own energy. Think of a nice time you two had together. Focus on it. Smile about it. Energy can transform any situation. Even when you feel it is hopeless. And in the end you will feel better about the situation because you are exuding positive energies that attract back all the good things you want for yourself. Go for a run. Do something physical to drain away all that pent up energy. Talk to your partner, but don't condemn yourself. Focus on positive energy. Get with friends and have a laugh. You will attract the things you want.
Sorry if it sounds nutty, but it has worked for me a lot of the time. It has helped me keep it together and helped pull me out of the deepest depressions.
These kind of problems exist with many people that are not bipolar. However, medication would probably help if you truly have this disorder. I suggest that you text, email or leave long phone message, if he is still not commucating. Tell him that you have a plan to try to help yourself and your relationship. First, you should probably return to professional help. If, you do not like previous doctor/thearpist, find new ones, ask your friends, ask in forum. Lots of new medicines and ways of thinking have come out in last 2 years, maybe you can find better meds, etc. Also, get another openion about your dianoses, bi polar is often mis-dianosed. Get involved in some sort of activity that includes your being active. Eat the right way and take supplments. I know how hard and frustrating all of this can be, I have to constantly re=motivate myself not to self neglect, however, there are things that do help. After 5 years of in the cave depression, I have just recently found a new drug that helps me, Vyvanse. I am just beginning to feel it's power to get me to function, in even small ways. The hope that I would eventually find the correct mediication has helped me hang on. I hope you can find a way, ask friends,families,support groups, etc. to help you get started. Thankfully, I still have one true friend that actuually came to town and drove me to doctors and offices to get me started. I also had to get very involved in research about my mental health and medications. I am sure you have been thru it all by now and know that many times, doctors do not really know what they are doing and we become like gunie pigs. As far as your love life, if he won't go along with your new plan, help you out or whatever, you might need to find someone more inclined to understand your problems and be helpful. However, if you feel that your bad actions are driving him away, do something about it. I once lost the best boyfriend because I had a drinking problem which led me to say and do wrong things. Looking back, if I didn't have that problem, my life would have been much fuller and loving. You have to keep fighting, sometimes even yourself to do the right thing to creat a life worth living. Do not give up hope.