Here I am mooning and so overjoyed to finally met the man I will give all my love, share everything I have and what not, have children, grow old together surrounded with laughter of our children and grandchildren. That's what my husband and I dreamt, and want in our lives together. We got married 2009 in his home country, Turkey. I worked so hard for his petition to be with me in the US. He got his two years visa and later on he will get the 10 years permanent resident visa. So we are married for almost 4 years. He is soon becoming 31 and I am going to be 41. Yes, there is a 10 years gap of our age. But love doesn't judge look, size, color, status, language and age. So lately I am pressing the issue about having a baby and he said to me he is not ready. So okay I let it go but deep inside me I was so worried and feeling betrayed. He was ready before when we were still dating and why he changed his mind now? I used to work as a flight attendant so I fly all the time all over the world, so I never pressure the topic with having a baby that bad when I know I'm gone all the time. But when I come home from my 18 days out flying and have 10 days home, there are times we never made love, he said he can't when I'm having my period, so okay I understand. Then period was gone and here I am giving some hint, touching him and cuddling.. and even say I want you, then he will say I am tired, okay I understand because he works 3rd shift. Then 10 days off was over then I have to go flying again, came back and her I was begging him to made love to me, so embarrassing and degrading. Just recently our company closed it's business so I am home now and thinking to change my career to a 9 to 5 job so I can be home every night and be able to take care of home, husband and our son (from my ex-husband). So yesterday we argued on something and because I was already hurt and degrade for begging many many times to have a baby and been refused by him many many times as well... our arguements goes back about having a baby, then old wounds that never been healed... Our relationship seems okay when having a baby issue is not mention. But when I do everything goes like tidal wave.. call it Tsunami if you like.
Obviously I cannot sleep for 2 nights now because we never settled the problem yet. I asked him why are you not ready to have a baby? He replied because I changed my mind. I asked why did you changed your mind? He said, "I just changed my mind, I'm not ready". Everytime we touched this issue it becomes my deadly outburst of crying that my whole body shakes. For me he just insulted and rejected my whole being as a woman. I look at myself in the mirror and asks, am I ugly? Am I that so old he don't want me? Why am I begging my husband to touch me? Why other men look at me like they will devour me and while my husband has no desire? I asked him if I hurt him in any way or if I've done something so bad that he don't want me anymore? He told me that I am mean, that I neglect his feelings, that I have no patience with him... so on and so forth. I trully aplogize of everything I did and all my hurtful doings which I did not intent to do so.
But this part is what I want to be wrong because I am already hurt badly and if I am right it will be the end of this marriage. He is soon going to applied for his 10 years resident visa and with that he can anytime applied for US Citizenship. He changed his mind with having a baby, he has so many excuses and reasons. I acceptedd the part that I might be wrong and asked his forgiveness but he still adamant that he don't want a baby. I hate to chose between letting the man I love so much or the need of having a baby with him. I know he love my son from my previous marriage but I told him, can you imagine a little version of you running around, giggling calling you daddy, looking at you like you are a God, a Superman perhaps.. it's a different feeling beyond compare. He said I know. I do not like divorce, it's like a death warrant to me, I rather fix our problem if that can be help. I have to stand firm with my ultimatum before the month come that he needs to do his papers. If he won't try to have a baby with me it will be his masterful mind to lead me to believe that he wants a baby but he really wants a visa. I married him because I love him and what is love if there's noone to share it? Can anyone tell me if I am wrong with my decision?