Do parent's really love their children the same? Because I don't feel like they do!

Its not an easy decision... and I feel like i'm in a better place then I was before saying anything to you. And you helped to give me some strength and to move on a bit and I haven't cut recently or anything. What kind of consequences for life?

But its hard, because its like after all those years I finally said something, and I don't think I can ever re-tell it :-( and I don't want to, and I feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

And I know you told me to call kids help phone, but I really don't want to speak to the people on the phone. I did call once but I hung up right away! I can't do it! :'( And I wouldn't know what to say :-( and I wouldn't know where else to get help in my area.

But honestly do you think I NEED it!? Like does it sound to you like I need it!? or you think i'm fine now? Like how can I tell if i'm still not okay and need it? because I really don't know. What made you say all that?

I don't know how you FEEL Claire, I don't know if you are dealing with this OK? OR if you feel that something is missing! IF I can help you and have and you feel better and stronger - able to handle it GREAT!!!! IF not then you will need some more help! Like I said before honey, when this happened to me there was NOTHING out there! It was something that no one talked about or were allowed to talk about - such as rapes by priests etc, people didn't believe them! the way I see your situation IF you decide to talk to anyone else is this! You have told me - through the magic of technology - a total stranger, and this has helped you! So why not talk to another person - an actual professional/survivor - through the magic of technogoly!? Just think of it that way IF you want too! I have NO problem continuing talking to you, I like having a girl to talk too - about other things than STI's!!!!! 8-| ;-) - So your call honey! It's ALL about how you feel!

I honestly don't know how I feel! - makes no sense but I really don't! - some days I think i'm fine, and i'm happy and don't really think of it, and then others days i'll either feel nothing, or something will trigger me (like some scenes in a movie or something, or a friend going to grab me) but then i'll be okay and know that I am okay and try not to let it it get to me. But I think it will always be like that, I don't think anyone can ever just 'get over it', and I try and deal with it (not by cutting! but sometimes it crosses my mind, but I fight it)

I know what your saying but it is different...I don't think I could even talk to you on the phone 8-| %-) lol ... and seeing someone in person is different. And look how long it even took for me to tell you, like a month! A strangers a stranger ya, but I feel like I know you a bit, and you make it comfortable talking to you. And it would make it more real talking to someone else - and thats scary! because then they would know me, and what would that mean? Like what if I said something and then they do something?

I don't know....but I thought I was fine till you said "You CAN go to confidential counselling too honey OK?" so then I second guessed everything and thought may you didn't think I was okay.

I don't know if something is missing or not :'( sometimes I think no, but right now I feel like maybe something is.

Do you know how confused you just made me?

Sorry honey! Like I said if you are fine just continuing our talks and you need to talk about it or even what the hot miserable weather is like in Ontario! I am a GO for both! You just have to re read what I said about my experience honey, I can only go on what I know right?! And that was a BAD situation, because there was NOTHING! Until I came on here, the only other person in the world that knows about what happened to me is my husband! And he and I have been with each other for 23 years, and it took me a long time to even mention it to him! I too have triggers and they are BAD! BUT that is from years of neglecting and pushing it down! The positive thing is that you at the tender age of 16 HAVE said something - to ME! - and if that is all you need GREAT! I am NOT second guessin you Claire! Like I said I don't know how you feel - I know you go up and down, as do ALL survivors - BUT everything is confidential, you don't even use your name! There are MILLIONS of us out there Claire, and we each deal with things in our own way! Talking, without names, is just talking right? Just like I don't know WHO those two are, neither will a confidential counsellor on the Kids Help Phone! BUT know this, I am pretty well versed in psychological damage and MANY other areas - I don't have a clue why 8-| ;-) - so ASK and Talk away IF you want to! I am just as knowledgeable about the fact that Avril Lavigne and Brody Jenner are an item, and like Lyndsey Lohan was like jealous at a club and tride to steal Brody and like Avril said "NO WAY B***H!" ;-) XD - just lightening it by the way! OK? So I have to go for the day but I will talk to you later!

Life of a 16 year old...so much fun! XD Ya, the worst triggers are dreams...its like you relive it all over again, that's why I hate to sleep. So I push it till my body gives up the fight and I pass out 8-| But you keep a lot in too, I can tell! Kind of like me, lol, you give like little bites of leading info, tiny hints of something, but never fully talk about it haha. I did that this whole time.

And the weather is nice now lol its hot but we don't need to use the air conditioner and thank god for that because it was hurting my toes! The vent is like right at the foot of my bed! So the swimming thing has calmed down! No one even asked me anything, like why I would just put my feet in, I think they just assumed I was on my period or something lol which is fine by me.

So I almost have enough money for that oil stuff and tanner...I stole money from my mom 8-| :$ but she won't notice, I hope ... I mainly just took some change which my dad does everyday for coffee so she won't know the difference. The guilt in doing something wrong 8-|

LOL!! Do you watch the Hills? well its almost over :'( I don't even think Brody is that hot, he's kind of cute but gross how he plays everyone. I thought Laurens ex from the beginning of the show was hot! but he's such a bad boy! And I heard that Lyndsey Lohan went to jail. Have you seen Twilight? the new movie is amazing! Who do you think is hotter!? XD Jacob had his shirt off the whole movie! :-D -yup no STI talk for me lol-

There's no way your 45! lol well your a cancer, so soon to be or are 46! My parents are going to be 43 and their not cool like you lol. Big complement to be called cool by a 16 year old! And they embarrass the c**p out of me and know nothing about the music I like -Eminem and Rihanna Love the way you lie is amazing! lol I like a little bit of everything. Whats your background? because you remind me of my old babysitter! I loved that lady, and still talk to her. Shes a little old english lady, the sweetest thing. Her accent is my favourite, but she was so nice like you. And used a lot of the words you use, like honey and lovey :-D

Anyways, everything I just wrote was pointless! but enjoy your day! i'm off to my aunt and uncles house with my mom......i'll tell you about the vibe I get, if I get one.

I'm English/Welsh, I moved here with my parent when I was almost 11! The reason why I don't tell you everything, is because it is VERY traumatic and also due to the fact that I'm a lot older than you, I don't want to cross that boundry of WTMI! I have hinted to my eldest about that he NEVER pushes it further than a girl wants to go, or I will kick his ***! I think he realizes - about my reactions to news stories - what has kind of happened, but I don't bring that up! That's a lot for any kid to take in, never mind my own child!

I LOVE The Hills and The City! BUT I have to say my favorite is The After Show - I LOVE THEM!!! I saw a pillow that looked like Dan's glasses!!! I was going to send it to him! ;-) XD XD You know what bugs me about the hills and city? Is they get paid a ZILLION dollars just to sigh and have 10 second segments! And they dress up to the nines, and I think to myself "IF they had shown me and my friends at that age, there would be a WHOLE bunch of shorts and sweats, a WHOLE bunch of people puking in the toilet, and a WHOLE bunch of us laying on the couch, praying to God that we will NEVER drink again!" ;-) XD XD XD Yeah I don't get Brody either - have you seen his brother though - GORGEOUS! He's a model for True Religion! There was a show before called "The Princes's of Belaire" it was Brody and his brother and Spencer - because Brody's step dad is David Foster! The best looking guy on the Hills is "Billy Bob" (?) can't remember his name for the life of me right now! You know the biker that dated Audrina and the blonde girl!? And on the City I LOVED Whitney's boyfriend - can't remember his name either (the musician) Was it Jay? And IF Vogue doesn't get rid of that stuck up you know what - drawn a blank again! There is NO way she still has a job after all that she has done! Can't stand stuck ups!

DONT STEAL! I would kick my boys buts if they steal! Don't you get an allowance? I give my kids an allowance or if they want something I will get it for them when I'm out! Heck I even gave my eldest a debit card so he could get groceries for me and "coverage" for him - if you know what I mean!!!!? o.O 8-| XD I didn't tell my husband as he would have had a fit! BUT I'm too young to be a grandmother! And since I preach so much to teenagers on here about ALWAYS being protected, I would by a hypocrit if I didn't have my children wrap up and be safe!

I'm in the Edward Camp! There is something about his presence - he isn't as buff as Jacob, BUT I must say I needed a fan when he was in Italy! I actually cried in the last movie - when her heart was breaking! And can't wait to see the new one! I haven't read the books, but many of my friends have and they LOVE them! I also like The Vampire Diaries - LOVE The satire by Damon! And he's pretty easy on the eyes too!

Actually I will tell you a secret, I am ADDICTED to Lord of the Rings - AARAGON is my man!!! I actually have a 6ft cardboard cutout of him in the basement next to the washing machine - YES I do!!!! - and It just helps me do laundry a LOT!!! XD XD Viego Mortsen and Carl Urban - the assassin in Bourne Suprememcy (who was Eowyns brother on LOTR) LOVE THEM!!! Aslo Sawyer and Jack from Lost!

I watch The City sometimes but i'm not as into it as the Hills. Ya The After Show is Hilarious! Ya I am envious of the money they make for really doing nothing, Laguna Beach was good too. Well your show would have been as real life as it gets, unlike the Hills. Drinking does make for a hard day the next day! I remember once, not that long ago, but my friend had a party and there was this guy there that liked me but I was not into him at all!!! And he kept trying to snuggle with me and tried to kiss me and c**p, he was so gross though, but my friend saved me from him XD well like in the middle of the night I went to go throw up, so he gets up and goes where I was sleeping and under my blankets, so when I got back I was so mad!! But I ended up having to just sleep next to him. >:( The boy would not give up and did not get any of my hints! so clueless, but he was drunk too so that didn't help. Is that the show where Brody and them were all trying to get dates and stuff? because I saw that. Haha!! Justin Bobby? Lo was so funny giving him that name. But he cut his hair and doesn't look as cute, it was better longer. And ya Jay was his name. Another show I like is 1 girl and 5 gays or something like that.

Well whats my other choice besides stealing? At least i'm not stealing from the store lol My mom would never just go and get me some tanner and bio oil, she would say I don't need it. I don't always get an allowance, every now and then she will hand me like $10.00 but ya...I didn't take a lot, just some, I still had money saved over from my birthday. And some change in my piggy bank lol. Ya you told me that lol and then you told me there would be no way you would do that if you had a daughter lmao! why is that? like really whats the difference? Something about being a girl that is a lot harder, I don't get it.

Well I like Edward and Jacob for different reasons, but you haven't seen the new movie so I won't say why. I cried to in the last movie! I was so sad! I haven't read their books either, but a book I like is called Handle With Care, its so sad, it by the same author that wrote My Sisters Keeper, which was also a great book. So sad and the movie didn't do justice. But never watched Vampire Diaries. My parents watch True Blood, but I leave the room when that goes on...lol...too much nudity and sex for me and its so awkward with my parents being there lol ya... and i've never watched LOTR

O and thankfully my uncle wasn't there today :-D But my 93 year old grandma got hurt :'( [/list]

AWWWH!! :-( When they get older they are more prone to falls etc. Each time you are around family members - and those 2 are there - then you will get more and more used to it! The worst offender - my oldest friends dad - he doesn't even look at me (nor does her mom) - For her 40th birthday I of course had to go and we had a huge family potrait together - I'm her children's god mother and they all call me aunty etc - and my friend was pushing me next to him, I gave him a look that would have put him a 100 feet under, he just moved away 0- as did his looser wife - so there is a great picture them on one side and me on the other! My strength is in the fact that I make this you know what squirm and sweat! I don't think he knows my depth of love for his daugther and thus I will ALWAYS protect her from the truth, so it keeps him on his toes, and I want him to wonder EVERY time IF I will drop the bomb! Actually the other day, I was on Facebook with my GF and said something about her grandaughter and her mother said "What is SHE saying I can never understand what she's talking about?!" So I sat there and composed myself and ignored it! My GF explained to me the next day that her mom was drunk!

When you show them strength - even though inside you want to puke - they quiver under the pressure of "I Wonder if she is going to tell?!" It is an awful situation but let me tell you it is quite the relief to stand toe to toe with evil and not back down! You WILL get there one day honey, and I think sooner than later! I remember the first time I stared him down and whispered in his ear, I went to the washroom and shook! BUT I wanted to scream out "YES!!!!" because I found my strength again - what he and others had taken!

I remember the "Drunk guy or girl" 1 beer wonders! Where they pretend they are drunk, so they can go on that apology! It is embarrassing to see them, but at the same time I feel bad for their lonliness! BUT that goes away as soon as they grope you! ;-)

Ya, well they were beginning to think she has dementia a while ago, and she did fall on her deck to before. But her son lives just across the road from her and went to check on her and all the doors were locked so he broke in and found her in the bathroom on the floor or something, but she fell. She never broke anything though, just sore and stuff I guess, but she clearly couldn't get up. And the doctors found out that she has seniors pneumonia :-( so if she never hurt herself no one would have known about that. I can't believe she still lives on her own in her farm house, still uses a wood burning stove to heat her house!!!! lol my other great grandma is 92 and still lives on her own too! but my Nana calls her everyday to check in on her.

Wait!! So the mom/his wife knows too!? Well like I said my uncle never really did anything, but almost came close too. And my gross cousin I still haven't said anything to him yet, still haven't seen him, and don't know if I will ever say anything to him but ya. Sometimes I really regret telling my friend about my ex or whatever...sometimes I hate that she knows, like I get anxious that what if she says something, even accidentally.

No he really was drunk! We all were! I really don't get why he was even there...that one will haunt my memories! One guy was so dumb though! He drank a whole thing of tequila and past out right away, never seen someone throw up so much in my life!! And I learned my lesson to at least eat something during the day before I drink at night lol was not a good night! well it was but ya. Buy actually, my one friend will have like one, maybe two, and say shes drunk %-) sometimes I really don't get her...and sometimes she annoys the hell out of me! she complains about everything, always complains of feeling sick, takes Gravol everyday for no reason other than she "needs" it and it helps her sleep, she takes anything actually. She can be so rude an insensitive to anyone, and if you dare say one little thing she'll get mad, and she always cancels plans...sometimes I cannot deal with her!

Sounds to me like she is depressed and VERY insecure! Doesn't give them a right to be mean though! they would rather hurt someone before that person hurts them - classic!!

Yes she knew, he used to do things when my girlfriend had turned away, but his wife was looking on and she did NOTHING! I used to jut freeze and stand there it was horrible! I was my girlfriends matron of honor last year, they sat way at the back and we didn't even talk or have eye contact! The ONLY time it has come close to my GF asking me, is when I said that I forgot to go to a barbeque - I didn't I just didn't want to see them - and she was VERY upset about the fact that the whole family was there and I wasn't! She still has a picture of that night with her sisters and mentions on it that I was missing! Better that then me having to go through such false hoods though!

I know you feel nervous about telling your friend, but she wont reveal that - girls and guys have a secret code and that runs deep - so don't worry about that! Also IF it came out then it will be him on the spot not you! And you wont look like a "snitch"! OOH I miss the good old days of vomitting my heart up - NOT!!!! ;-) XD

Ya she is very insecure and I like reassure her everyday, and she always says how shes jealous of me and my life and my friends, I don't get it! If she only knew...so then what do I do with her!? I love her but she drives me nuts sometimes. I hate drama.

Wow! I can't believe she did nothing! or that he would even do something with someone else in the room! Thats really horrible.

Well Bambi, I got the Bio Oil so hopefully it helps, my mom actually ended up giving me money so then I put her change back and it was about $12.00 so you were right with the price.

And i've been doing some thinking, and maybe i'm not okay...like I think I kept telling myself that I was because I was scared. Like I tried to push it away, and tried to believe that I was okay and tried to move on or whatever. I don't really know. Like you really, really have helped me!! But the other night was bad...I didn't fall asleep till around 3:00 and then around 5:30 I woke up because I dreamt about it, why does that happen!? And although I haven't cut, I still think about it...so I don't know, its so dumb!

So yesterday I thought maybe I could call and not hang up as soon as it rings. Well after contemplating it for 2 hours I finally did call, but then I get a MAN saying "Hi Kids Help Phone"... so then I hung up 8-| A. I don't want to talk to a man and B. what the hell am I suppose to say after that!? ... so whatever, I didn't know they had a website, but I found one and you can write to them, so I did that instead. But after I read some others and they sound just like you! lol Like how they say stuff, is like how you would. So you should join them lol and its funny because you have to pick a province and Alberta was the first one...it was weird. But the thing that sucks is they take a few days to answer you, and after reading some, they always tell them to call and speak to a consellor, why can't they just write it. And lets say I do call and talk to someone, but then the next day I probably won't have the same person, I don't know. This is going to be one sucky summer! :-(

How much longer till this ends!? And I forgot that in two weeks it my little cousins birthday party, so everyone will be there, thought I had a month till I see everyone.

And I don't get myself! Sometimes I write on here and i'm down, and then other times it sounds like i'm fine, what is up with that?

Sorry for bugging you XD i'm sure your tired of dealing with this as I am, you don't have to respond lol

There's an English expression "Don't be Daft!" And that means don't be silly (in a nicer way)! I'm here anytime honey! Also IF you do phone them back you can ask for a woman! BUT perhaps the rape crisis line would be better for you honey! That is COMPLETELY confidential!

You know I think about you a lot - probably because you are so like I was - and what I am telling you is from my experience and remember I had NO help or someone to talk too, and I made it through, not only my teenage years and stress from that, BUT all the other stuff! So just know that IF I can do it, your chances are VERY VERY good that you can too! Also you need to know that you are NOT alone with what happened to you! This has been going on since the beginning of time and unfortunately will continue - unless ALL kids get SO savy that these perverts NEVER get away with it!

You see as a mother, I would love nothing more then to attack these two boys for you! BUT I am also sensitive to the fact of the teenage life, and what this could do! So in the mean time you need to be able to get stronger and when the day comes I promise you that you WILL face him down - similar to your ex boyfriend! And just like my friends fathers, to see them worried and know that they are worried 24/7 IF you are going to tell or not! Is quite helpful in your situation, to get power back! At your age, you already don't know where you stand with adults! Thus pedophiles being able to have victims! BUT once those dirty things know that you are ON the ball and will destroy their lives! Then it is VERY freeing! So your call honey! Just know honey I know a lot about teenage problems - alcohol, sex, drugs, etc. BUT I'm not that versed on cutting - even though I know it's from the same feelings! So just know that OK? I just don't want to say the wrong thing to you about it! I do believe though, that your urge will dicipate with being more in control of the situations around you and as you grow older and more confident! Also know that ALL teenagers go up and down! Thus their parent going grey!!!! ;-) XD BIG HUGS - Cyber mom! ;-)

Another phone line lol your totally sure these thing don't show up on the phone bill right!? o.O I hate the term "rape" well its too late in the day to call again anyway, my dad will be home soon. And honestly I will probably cry so much I wouldn't be able to talk and they would not understand me. And every time I talk on the phone people complain they can never hear me because i'm so quiet lol but what is that number anyways? I know the kids help phone one from the cereal box lol Yesterday on the news, it talked about a women in her 60's being assaulted in a graveyard, it was so sad, she was there to visit her mom :-(

I know I can :-D its just a matter of time...and I know i'm not alone and it happens all the time, and it sucks that it does! There should be one massive sign on people that says to stay away from them and something beeps when they get near you lol

I would give you free range if I knew no one would know about it, I would tell you who they are. I will never know what to do until the situation is there, if I would say something or not, I try to stay away from them and be around where everyone else is, so that makes it harder to to say something.

Well I might have started to cut because like you said I felt nothing, but I also did it out of frustration and anger, kind of like "No one can hurt me, except for me" kind of thing if that makes any sense at all, my way I guess of getting power back to myself, that only I can do things to myself and no one else. But then when you do it, you feel better for a bit because you got your power back and released those feelings, but then it doesn't last long because then you hate yourself for hurting yourself. It sucks. But don't worry, i'm sure you won't say the wrong thing. So I did do it when I was 12 and then it got less and less somehow. But then when that night happened I did do it, but just once and found this site, and then when I stood up to him and I felt like he won again with what he said to me, I did it again. But that was all. But I do think about it sometimes. But that oil thing already hind of helped on one scar, but just the one so far, and it smells like skin so soft %-)

Ya one day me and my dad were looking at old photos and he said "notice the balding and grey after you were born" XD I'm even getting grey hairs from the stress lol its really werid! it will go brown, then grey, and then brown again ... like no stress, STRESS, and no stress again lol

Bambi, would you happen to know what that number is to call? or maybe you can't because I live in a different province, and you don't know the area.

How do you know about all these places anyway? lol

I know I've done everything wrong, like not tell my parents or the police, or go to the hospital, or talk to strangers online lmao so why not break it all and maybe I can tell you my area? %-)

But do these things show on the phone bill?