Feel like I've lost myself lately. I'm on Adderall and Lexapro

Hi Heather,

I also take Adderall and Lexapro. I've found through lots of internet research that Adderall really depletes a lot of you body's natural reserves. I'm normally a very happy, exceptionally patient person, but I found myself first getting angry, then getting aggressive, then feeling suicidal. It turned out all I needed was more adderall holidays (I try not to take it more than 5x per week now) and MOST IMPORTANTLY a good regimen of supplements.

For me the thing that cleared up the mood issues was Vitamin B. I take it in a multivitamin. Most multivits really suck (they use forms that can't be well-absorbed), but I've had great luck with the ADAM multivitamin, and the female version EVE works great for my girlfriend. I also take Magnesium (Dr. Best Magnesium is a great brand) and Vitamin C in order to prevent the adderall crash and get better sleep. And I carry around a low-sugar protein bar at all times (I like ProMax LS chocolate fudge).

I can't emphasize enough how important these are. Multivitamin once or twice a day, magnesium, vitamin C, and protein. I'm not remotely a hippy or "vitamins cure everything" person (or else I wouldn't be taking adderall and lexapro), but these have made a WORLD of difference for me.

I hope this helps. Feel free to message me if you want to talk more.

I don't have the anger like you described but I have been very depressed off and on for over 2 years since my mother died. I used to have a ton of friends and I used to do so much stuff but now I just stay home almost all the time except for when I'm at school and sometimes I'll go to a couple of friends houses. But I even started feeling suicidal recently. Don't worry, I don't plan on doing that. I just feel like it sometimes like I just want to never wake up. But anyway I guess it got bad enough that my dad mentioned it to the doctor when I went in for my checkup. I started going through puberty several years ago and in my opinion I finished going through puberty the same year but this doctor is trying to say that I'm still going through puberty. I've already got my pubic hair and breasts and I don't think I'm going through it still but he thinks that that is what is causing all of my problems. I wonder if I got on those pills you were talking about if it would help me. I don't like feeling like this. I'm almost thirteen, well I will be in May and I am not supposed to feel this way. I should be out running around with my friends and laughing and having fun everyday. Last night I met a man online and he was very sweet to me and he didn't run when he found out how old I was but we talked all night until 5:30 this morning. That's the first time in a really long time that I was feeling happy. But it was good because earlier before I talk to him I had been crying because I was missing my mom. Anyways I hope you got some help or whatever you needed.

Hey Hannah. I'm really sorry to hear about your mom. That can be really hard. How did she die?

One of my high school girlfriends had a friend who killed herself, and my girlfriend found the body. That took her a long time to get over, and she thought about suicide a lot for a few years, although thankfully never got close to doing it. But she got through it, and is doing really well now. You'll be ok too, I promise, but it may just take some time.

Your doc is probably right. Puberty for girls lasts between 2-5 years. Even if you already have pubic hair and breasts, and even if you already have your period, your hormones still go crazy until you're 15 or older. Hormones are the worst, and can really make your mood a lot worse. When I've gone through similar things, it helped me to remember that it wasn't really me like that, it was just hormones or brain chemicals doing stupid things.

But even if it is just hormones, that doesn't mean you should have to feel crappy all the time. There are things that can help. Would you feel comfortable telling your doctor that you're really unhappy? If you do, he / she can probably do something that will help.

Talking to people is good, too. There are lots of good online forums out there. I've met good friends through depression forums. Of course I've also met some people who turn out to be weirdos. Hopefully the guy you mention isn't like that! Is it a friendship, or something more serious?

Do you know anyone at school? When you feel depressed it can feel very lonely, or like you're the only one, but I guarantee there are others at school who feel the same way. Probably even some who have lost a parent.

My mom died of cervicle cancer.
Before all that I use to have tons of froends and did lots of things but I guess it made it where life just isnt much fun anymore. My mom and I were best friends and we talked soooo much. There wasnt NOTHING I was afraid to tell her about or talk about or whatever and she never ever judged me. My dad, well I used to be really close with him too but since she fot sick it made everything in our life hard. Everything changed and nothing is like it use to be. I know part of thats coz I am getting older and Im changing too but I just want life to go back like it was. I still cry about my mom a lot.
My poor daddy he tries so hard for me but I know he doesnt know how to handle some stuff with me and I try really hard not to be a problem but it happens sometimes. But we had to move away to another state and leave our whole lives back in Indiana. Nothing is the same. He works all the time now and sometimes he is out of town two or three days. Usually there is somebody with me here or I stay with a relative I dont like but I stay here by myself sometimes too. Im ok doing that tho.
I can make friends easy but I dont really want friends anymore but maybe a few. Lately Ive done a few stupid things I shouldnt do and yeah I know better but for some reason I do them anyway. Not a lot but still. I know my daddy would be mad or hurt and so would my mom but its like I cant help it and then I regret it later and feel bad.
Theres issues like I want to get on birth control but I dont want to talk to my dad about it coz I dont want hin thinking the wrong thing. I havent had sex but I want to het on them coz you never know when its gonna happen but I want to also get on bc because it will help me with my periods too supposedly.
I guess youre right about the hormone thing and thats pretty much what the doctor said too. I guess I can be a B when Im in that time of month but who wouldnt be? It sux.
The thing about talkinf to my doctor is that he tells my dad everything almost.
I havent talked to that guy since that night. Hes wrote me but I havent wrote back. I liked him a lot and hes a Marine like Daddy but maybe I liked him too much too fast. I mean like hes 25 and Im a lot more immature than him and he lives thousands of miles away. I dont want to fall in love with nobody yet.
But I DO want to be loved. Confusing.
Besides it would make me a hippocrite coz I have a friend that is older than me a little bit and her bf is like almost 19 and Ive been trying to get her to get away from him coz hes too old. Hes nice but still.
Life is just kinda like that. Confusing. I feel this way about something one minute then feel different aboit ot the next minute. Cant make up my mind. And I dont know if I want to be a woman or a kid anymore. Sometimes I put on my glasses and put my hair up and put on a sloppy shirt and just be a kid and sometimes I put makeup on and fix my hair and my nails and put in my contacts and look like Im 20 or something. Bjt I feel a lot more comfy and happy and safe as a kid.
Split personality? Lol.
And dont EVEN get me started talking about sexuality stuff. Im even more screwed up a d confused about all that stuff. Lol. I really need my momma.

You know what I thought about doing? Writing my dad in a email anonymously and telling him all this stuff and just act like a stranger that I had talked to about it all. But how did she get his email. Lol. Or maybe message him somehow. Hed probably know it was me anyway.

Yeah, everything is different when a parent dies. It really sucks.

Where were you in Indiana? I live in California now but I used to live in Bloomington.

I know what you mean about doing stupid things. I did them a lot when I was your age. And I felt the same way, part of me knew they were stupid even when I was doing them. Brains are weird. Eventually that got better, but I also think now if I had more people I could have talked to that would just have listened and not judged, I wouldn't have done them, or maybe not as much.

I never really got into drugs, but I did set a lot of things on fire. And I would sneak out in the middle of the night and steal my mom's car and do dumb stuff like go to WalMart. It made my mom worried sick, and I feel bad about that now. What sort of stupid stuff have you done?

I think when some part of us wants to do things that the rest thinks are stupid, it's because we need something that we aren't getting. And sometimes there are ways we can get it without having to do that thing. I don't know if you've heard this, but sometimes pregnant women will actually start eating dirt. It's because their bodies need iron. The instinct is stupid because they can just take an iron pill, but we didn't have iron pills when we were cave men, so that's how our brains evolved. When I was doing stupid things I wish I had thought about what else I could have done. I think I needed people to talk to openly. Maybe you need something similar?

*Everyone* is screwed up and confused about sex, especially when they're teenagers. It's pretty normal to want to have sex but also be scared of it. (This goes along with wanting to be an adult and wanting to be a kid at the same time.) And there's a lot of insecurities people have about sex, like how to do it, and are they attractive enough, and all sorts of things. Anyway, if you want a guy's perspective on sex / sexuality, or just want to talk, go for it.

Birth control for sex totally makes sense. What would it help about your period?
Or are you thinking about the kind that makes you not have a period? Either way I'd be careful about that -- the pill can mess up your hormones, and in a lot of girls (like my sister) it makes them more depressed all the time. But if your period really sucks and you're super depressed on it, it wouldn't hurt to tell your dad and see if the doctor thinks it would be a good idea. How do you think he'd react if you asked him for birth control, or said you were thinking about having sex?

When it comes to sex, my advice is to buy condoms. You can buy them at any age, and they're cheap. They're a good idea anyway because birth control pills don't help with things like herpes and other diseases. But a tip about condoms -- make sure you're ready to make a guy use them. There are some guys out there, basically just the worst guys, who will complain about using them and try to get out of it. It's best to avoid guys like that. A friend of mine just got pregnant AND got genital warts that way, at the same time, just because the guy was an awful person and she didn't stand up for herself.

Yeah, being on your period sucks. I'm a guy so haven't experienced it, but I've dated a lot of girls and seen them go through it. My current girlfriend is depressed for 3-4 days, and she bleeds a lot and goes through a lot of panties that way.

Your doc has to tell your dad everything, which is good in case there's something urgent, but it sucks because you should be able to talk to someone more privately. If your dad can afford it, you can ask him to talk to a therapist. Then everything is confidential and you can just talk about whatever you want. Good therapists can be awesome.

I think it's good that you're being cautious about the guy. It's weird -- it's normal for a 13-yr old to be attracted to a 25-yr old, but if a 25-yr old is attracted to a 13-yr old it usually means there's something wrong on his end. (Imagine if you were attracted to a 6-yr old!) When I was 13 I had the biiggggest crush on my English teacher. Thought I was in love with her, masturbated thinking about her, everything. But nothing ever happened of course, and then when I wasn't in her class anymore I stopped thinking about her.

Also something I've learned about girls is that almost every single one falls in love with the first guy they have sex with. Which is awesome if they pick a good guy, but it sucks if you pick a guy who treats you badly, or a guy that you can't really be with.

The fall-in-love / be-loved thing is definitely confusing. And although it gets easier as you get more experience and get older, there are more things like that! For example at some point, almost everyone wants to be with more than one person -- but if you have a boyfriend who wants to be with other girls, you'd probably get jealous. So you'd have to choose if you want an open relationship or a monogamous one. And, if you ever think about marriage, you'll want the stability and comfort of someone being promised and devoted to you, but you'll want the freedom to be able to leave them if things get rough. More choices for the future!

Love can be wonderful, but loving someone you can't be with is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. How about boys at school? Is there anyone you're interested in there?

I'm actually jealous that you get to switch between being a woman and a kid. I wish I could be a kid again. There's a lot about adulthood that's awesome (like having money and a car), but there's a lot that sucks too. I guess it's always that way. But the nice thing about being a teenager is that you can try out being a woman, and then when you're done, you can go back to being a kid.

If you want your dad to know this stuff, could you just sit him down and talk to him? How do you think he'd react? There were two points in my life where I told my mom we needed to talk about stuff, and then we sat down and I just talked for like an hour, and then afterwards we had a conversation and talked more about it. Doing it was scary as hell actually, I was super nervous and was even sweating. But I told her the same sort of stuff you've been telling me, and it went really well, and afterwards I felt a million times better.