I was just thinking today that half the battle was simply learning not to associate everything with a negative feeling. I'd grown so accustomed to having a negative reaction whenever I analyzed my feelings, that it became second nature. However, as you have more and more normal/good days, you'll find that it's easier to stay positive, but harder to stay patient. At least that's how it was for me. Eventually though, it won't be so much work to get over those negative feelings. At some point, you will start to dismiss them completely, as I do most of the time (PMS is still a little off emotionally for me).
I'm not an expert or anything, but it truly sounds to me as though you're in the final stages of recovery. Especially when you say that you're sad for no reason. Thinking back, you might easily recall how a random doubt would instantly leave you feeling negative specifically about your relationship. Now, it sounds as though the sadness that creeps in is what sparks your negative thoughts about your relationship. I know it sounds crazy, but I would consider that a very good sign.
I hope this helps. I know it seems like forever, but you will get through this!
Hello everyone!
This weekend with my boyfriend was great. I was feeling so happy with him then BAM... Sunday night with out warning I started crying. I suspect that it started sometime earlier that day... All of my thoughts now seem to be me worrying that he is going to cheat. I really have no reason to that that. There was/is something that happened awhile back... And I decided to let it go. (no he didnt cheat or anything like that... I dont want to share TMI on here because its kind of a touchy subject and I dont think most people want to hear that! lol) Anyways, those thoughts were invading me yesterday and I was a WRECK all day. I was crying probably 70% of the time yesterday. Today was better... but definitely not great. I know these are my own issues (i was recently told by a counselor that i have anxiety and have probably my whole life due to my childhood) I i do talk to him about it... but then i start worrying that ill push him away or drive him to cheat. He promises me that he isnt going anywhere. I dont know if i should talk to him about me worrying that he will cheat (again... I have NO real reason to think that he would... but i cant tell my mind different) but i dont want him to think that i dont trust him. gah.
I'm so frustrated right now!
Every relationship works in its own way, but I've found in mine that it's always, always, always best to share your feelings with your significant other and discuss solutions or just vent. If you present your worries to your boyfriend rationally, as you did in your post, I'm sure he would understand. I completely understand why you wouldn't want him to think you don't trust him, so it might be important to emphasize that you do, and explain that your mind is just wired to give you anxiety. My husband has always been understanding when I present it in just that way, and he even used to remind me that he knew I trusted/loved him.
Also you could think of it in this way. If you don't tell him, he will probably notice anyway. Then, he might wonder why you are hiding your feelings from him. While it may not seem like it, the best proof of trust is the willingness to share everything with him, even the painful stuff.
Just my two cents anyway :)
I keep holding onto the good days and the fact that something inside of me is clearly realizing something is not right. I wouldn't be tormented by not loving my boyfriend if I didn't love him. I wouldn't have wound up on these forums because it wouldn't have occurred to me that it might be hormonal/anxiety related. There wouldn't be tons of girls having the same symptoms post-pill. But today, these things are very hard to believe. I'm also on like 3 hours of sleep. I don't think that's helping matters.
I do still have a piece of me that knows I've improved and that thinks I'm close to "recovering." That voice inside of me gets through for like tiny milliseconds but then I literally can feel my brain snap/shut those thoughts out. It's like the receptors to my brain aren't working properly. They won't let love, excitement, happiness, and contentment through. It's horrible.
I feel like I have such a long way to go because these six horrible months have taught me bad habits. I have learned to associate certain aspects of my relationship and aspects of my day in general with anxiety/panic/doom. The road to disassociation feels impossible. I have no idea how to unlearn these things because they happen so instinctually now. This is seriously the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I miss my old self and my old relationship so badly. What if this anxiety has done irreparable damage to my relationship? What if I can never un-hear these thoughts? I'm so scared of that. I don't mind the struggle as long as I know it's temporary and that I'll be able to feel my love for him consistently again. Until then, I live for the moments when my love breaks through. They only last a second before my brain "snaps" them out (and I doubt the moments even happened later) but I try to hold onto them. I try to remind myself that I wouldn't ever feel those moments if I wasn't in love. And I try to remind myself that my love for him must be really strong if it can (even for one second) break through this powerful anxiety. But it's so hard to convince myself 100% mentally. And physically, I don't think I'm even able to yet. I hope this is just temporary. It's so scary how my entire self has changed.
Your post could have been a page from my diary a few months ago. I know how you feel, and I know that you feel helpless and exhausted. It's exhausting trying to fight the negative thoughts that invade your mind. It's exhausting trying to remember the love you had that you currently don't feel. The most exhausting part is worrying that it isn't temporary, that somehow you will be stuck in your hormone prison forever. Or worse, that it's not the hormones.
However, we're all here to remind you that it IS temporary, it IS the hormones, and you WILL recover in time. Though it's hard, if not impossible to see now, your relationship will be strengthened by what you're going through now. I know how you feel, you feel like you're destroying a relationship that once meant the world to you. You're worried that you won't be able to pull yourself out of it and that you will hurt your boyfriend more by staying with him. I felt all of those things too. I couldn't shake them and I barely held on, and I only had to deal with it for 4 months.
You have dealt with it for 6 months and are still fighting the good fight, and so is your boyfriend. I think that shows a love deeper than you can possibly imagine. Women who don't love their boyfriends or are simply unsure of how they feel don't hold on the way you do or the way I did. You may not be able to feel it, you may not even remember what it feels like exactly, but there is something holding you to your boyfriend that is stronger than all your doubts, pain, and fear.
Are your months overall getting better? From what you write I suspect that they are. It does make it easier to think of your progress in terms of full months rather than weeks or days. The simple fact is that our hormones work on a monthly cycle, so we won't really see progress from week to week, we will only see it from month to month. I know this means a longer recovery time, and that sucks. However, it's important to remember not to push yourself too hard toward recovery. It's best to look at it on a month by month basis to track your progress in a more meaningful way.
I'm so, so sorry that you're having a bad time. I know how you feel, and you WILL get better. Feel free to message me anytime if you'd like to chat more. Stay patient and strong!
This whole process just feels unbearable most days. It seems like such a long, hard road. But I've made it through six months so hopefully the worst is over. I just have to keep reminding myself of all you girls who are battling the same exact thing. And the fact that we've found ourselves on these boards. We would have never recognized that something was wrong if the thoughts were true. We would have never researched this and found similar stories. The fact that we're here proves it's hormones/anxiety. I think it's quite the opposite deep down -- Maybe we love our boyfriends/husbands too much, haha. In a good way. We care which is why we're here. Why we're battling. We just have to keep holding on, even on the hard days.
My second day here In Florida it wasn't good the negative thoughts got so bad and I just cried on my boyfriends shoulder it helped to cry felt like a release...... Wish all of this would just go away :(
Hi ladies,
I just discovered a topic that you all might want to check out. Relationship OCD and false emotions. I just happened upon both these topics while browsing the internet on random BCP stuff. It seems to me that several of us have experienced symptoms of relationship OCD while on and coming off the pill. I know some on here have mentioned that they're naturally somewhat obsessive/OCD (I know I can be about certain things). So I'm wondering if the BCP affects those types more, turning what might be a few mood swings for others into major depression and anxiety for us. The most interesting were the topics on "false emotions". This described my issues while coming off of BCP exactly. I think the good thing about discovering this is knowing that, though we might feel like our relationships are off, it's not how we truly feel.
I was having a bit of an off week, just a little bit sadder than usual. Thankfully, it's my "old self" sad still and not the terrible sad all of you are still fighting. However, it was enough to make me get on the internet and start a little search. I think I still have a few minor thought patterns I haven't kicked to the curb quite yet. It hit me hard this week because I saw so little of my husband. In addition, I was often posting on here and reading your posts, and while I'm very happy to do so, it sometimes takes me back to those bad memories and I haven't yet gotten over them.
Anyway, I hope some of those topics will give you another reason to believe in your relationships. I know it helped me while waiting for my husband to come home :)
I've been really good since my setback last Thursday. Each day, I got a little better. And I have to say, yesterday was the first day since all of this started that I was 100%. It was wonderful! Today I started out at 100% but I'm more like 95% now. I'm at work and I think sometimes the work stress spikes my relationship anxiety/hormonal imbalance. But I'm holding onto yesterday. It was so wonderful. All in all, I feel a lot more normal since I started acupuncture and taking the recommended vitamins/herbs. I still have my hard days/moments, but I have moments of having my old self back and I never, ever had those moments before acupuncture. I just feel like me and it's nice. And I'm feeling like me for longer periods of time which is extra nice. I still have a ways to go but it's nice to see substantial progress.
It's amazing how much different I see my boyfriend and our relationship when I'm having a good day. Our hormone imbalances and anxiety really distort reality. None of the things that upset or bother me on bad days matter on good days. These "bothers" don't even exist on good days. They really are false emotions. I read a lot about Relationship-OCD when this first started and it seems to be exactly what we all have developed post-pill. It helps to research it on the extra tough days.
I too struggle with the memories of my bad days. On my good days, thinking of the painful memories of the bad days will sometimes spike my anxiety. So that's my current battle: the pain that the memories cause. My other battle is that I'm terrified of my next (probably inevitable) setback. The only thing bad about the good days is that they almost make me greedy to get better and have every day be a good day. I just have to learn some patience.
Hope everyone had a good weekend!
I stumbled across a forum through a google search about hormones and a bunch of "healthy" girls posted about having our symptoms and worries about our love for our boyfriends during the week of their periods. It seems to be a common issue with hormones. It's almost like, for us, we have 24/7 PMS because our hormones are so messed up post-pill. So what these girls "normally" have once month, we have constantly. Very frustrating. I wish there was a quick fix that would rebalance us instantly.
As for me, I'm doing okay. I think I've recovered somewhat from my stumble last week. It's frustrating, even though I've recovered, I'm still learning how to get rid of those few lingering, mental habits. They never drag me down, but they do elicit a slight slump in mood followed by me trying to retrain myself. Every week I seem to discover something new about myself as I learn how to be me again in a new marriage.
For example, this past week I told my husband that I think I was sad a lot even before the pills and before dating him. I read back through many of my old diary entries and can see a pattern of sadness/mild depression. Before I just always assumed that it was because I was single and my job was stressful. But now I think it's just part of who I am. I learned how to deal with it as a single woman, but am still learning how to deal with it as a wife. One thing that's helped me is recognizing that a sad day doesn't have to be attached to relationship troubles. In fact, my relationship has never been the cause of my sadness, but the BCP mess got me in the habit of thinking that way and I'm still learning how to reverse those effects.
Anyway, I think this whole ordeal even after recovery, has taught me more about myself than I ever thought possible. It forced me to own up to my natural tendencies and to learn how to cope with them within my marriage.
I just found an amazing website. I'm healed, but this will really help me with my lingering negative habits. http://www.outofstress.com/stop-obsessive-thoughts/
Great read. Thanks for the link! I've read two books that speak on that topic: The Happiness Trap and The Power of Now. I really recommend them.
I'm sorry you haven't been feeling 100% lately. I've had some rough days too. I was talking to my acupuncturist about it and she made me feel better about the setbacks. She was saying how in recovery, it's a steady climb. So she made like an up and down wave with her hand that kept gradually moving upward. Hard to explain. But basically, even with the setbacks, we're moving up towards recovery. It's not going to be a straight and easy path. But we're on the right path.
It's a good reminder especially because I've been really emotional on my good days lately. I cry because I worry about having future bad days. And I cry on the bad days because I want to feel good again. But I guess that in and of itself is an improvement from the past when I cried about the idea of not loving my boyfriend and all the associated pain from believing those negative thoughts.
My brain gets really tight-feeling when I'm having bad days. It's hard to explain. It's how I know they're coming though and it feels that way now. I hope I'm wrong. My boyfriend and I are going away for my birthday this weekend and I'm so excited. I don't want my anxiety to ruin it.
Also, I spotted on Sunday night and this morning but no period yet. Ever since stopping bcp, I spot sometimes before my period. This never happened to me before bcp. Also, I never get cramps since bcp. While this is a nice side effect, it just further proves that my cycle is still messed up because I always get cramps. It's why I went on bcp in the first place! Just wish my body would heel. It's such an annoyingly slow process.
I agree, the process to recovery is "annoyingly slow". I would add to that the fact that, even once you're healed, there are still the "after-shocks" to deal with. Last night I broke down a bit in front of my husband, telling him that this week was not great, and that I was feeling slightly sad for no reason. I told him that I felt like I was a terrible wife because I was sad all the time and he was always helping me and I rarely have the opportunity to help him. He said something to me that I needed to hear, and you all might as well.
He said that it's not how I feel that makes me a good or bad wife, it's how I deal with it. He said the fact that I always tell him how I feel and that I try to work through it with him makes me a strong person and also a great wife. To him, the important thing is that I'm open and honest about it. He's right. I always feel strongest when I'm dealing with the problem with his support, we are a team.
Also, I'd narrowed down my source of sadness to lingering after-shocks. However, the simple version is that my brain had learned to associate negative feelings with my husband all the time while on BCP and while first coming off of it. My brain never had much of a break from spending time obsessing negatively over my relationship. Basically, the reason I believe that I feel random sadness for no reason is because my brain is still in the habit of associating sadness with my husband. It is not a conscious act on my part by any means. The difference now is that I have no doubt that I love him and that our marriage is amazing, which is opposite of how I felt before I recovered.
So, the solution for me (or at least I'll try) is to constantly remind myself that my husband is my source of love, support, and joy. In my alone time I've began thinking only of happy memories with him, such as when we first started dating and the moments we spend together playing games. If I continuously focus on that, maybe my brain will start to retrain itself and I won't have to work so hard to be content/happy. Anyway, it's worth a try, I'll let you all know how it goes :)