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Me and my girlfriend have been dating for several years, and when we first started dating we were able to have sex without any issues because we were doing it almost everyday, if not every other day. Fast forwarding a couple years, we are both working long jobs, and doing a number of other things. This is ending up in weeks, if not months, without any type of sexual actions. Its gotten to the point where she is not extremely tight, and this issue comes up almost every time we try to get romantic. 

 

I try foreplay, and we spend a lot of time before actually getting to it. But it ends up in either her not being able to take the pain because its to tight, or her climaxing which makes her tighten up and very sensitive. I'm getting frustrated, not directly at her, but because I don't know how to resolve it. She's a bit on the prudent side, but we do have a toy, and getting her in the mood to try the toy is a whole different battle.

If anyone would be willing to post some suggestions, I would greatly appreciate it.

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Health Guru
9641 posts
It could stress related or even medically related so might be worth her having a chat with her doctor about i.
Hope this is some help :-)
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Hi,

I understand your frustration especially if you feel your partner is a bit of a prude so it may be hard to talk about this, come up with ideas, new things to try and as you are also doing trying toy's in an attempt to relax her further.  One reason for it could be stress, the hectic lifestyle and by the time she's finished working is not in the mood for sex, and as you already mentioned she needs plenty of extra foreplay to even attempt full sex, Have you tried additional lube when you attempt intercourse, or spending some extra time orally if you are both into this.  Changing your position, perhaps with her on top so she can control it more allowing only her to move, so she can sit for a few moments and get used to it and stop if it becomes painful and avoid the pain and how deep it can go, plus I'm sure you wont mind just lying back relaxing for a while while she shuffles aboutXD.

It is also possible it is more of a medical issue, something like Vaginismus.  This can cause muscles to involuntarily tighten up to the point where the woman will experience pain during intercourse. Sometimes, the muscles to contract so tightly that penetration is impossible.  It can be something that has always been an issue, or with some women it can start when they have in the past been  normally able to have sex without issue,  this is quite a common condition.  If it is vaginismus there is a way to treat it.  This may sound backwards but in order to relax she needs to learn to tighten these muscles by herself.  These are the same muscles a woman is taught to exersize after a baby (pelvic floor muscles) so she doesn't pee herself when she sneezes lol and they are really easy to do.  I can write more info if you think it would help but wont go into too much detail as it may not be the cause.  If she were to want to try these in short it's the same muscles she would use to stop a wee mid flow,  they need to be tightened and held for a while then as she gets used to controlling them she needs to start adding a finger and work up, as above there is some explaining needed if you think it may be this but I wont write everything incase it's  not helpful.

I hope this has helped you<3

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As violercherry mentioned it could be vaginismus. It is a very real condition and she should see her doctor. It could also be about her feelings about sex. If she has experienced sexual touch as painful she will likely tense up every time you try. This may sound really frustrating but it could help if you take a step back, and take intercourse off the menu for a while. When you make love take your time and pleasure her with no expectation of sexual intercourse. Ask her what she likes and do that. The idea is for her to learn that sexual touch is not painful. over time reintroduce intercourse but take baby steps. Also, set the mood for love making. Many women need a slow build up and don't like bring rushed into sex at the end of a long day. Set time aside for sex and for her this may also mean romance. I'm not talking about chocolates and flowers, but perhaps time making her feel special, loved, appreciated. You need to make love to her mind as well as her body. This may all be stuff you know already. Or it may sound very frustrating. But by stepping back a bit for a little while you hopefully can build a more mutually satisfying relationship into the future. It Mau mean that you feel like your needs are not being met for a while, or like its all about her. But hopefully it will pay off in the longer term with more pleasurable sex for both of you. And finally, communication is key. Can you talk to her about this or does she get.defensive and clam up? Bring able to talk openly and really listen to each other is vital, especially when there are problems. And listening can be the hardest part because sex can make many of us feel scared, vulnerable and judged. If you can both talk and listen from a place of love and not blame that will help, and you might just find out what is going on with her and she might understand you too. And if that is too hard a counsor might be able to help. It is really important to rule out any medical problems first, because all the foreplay and romance and communication isn't going to help if there is a physical problem. I wish you all the best. It is so frustrating to be in your situation but with love, patience and understanding, and the right advice from a doctor or counselor things can get much better. You arr right to be concerned. These issues dont just magically disappear and if ignored can destroy an otherwise wonderful relationship. Good luck
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