I am in my thirties and have never had a orgasm with a man. I can through masturbation, but the fantasies have to be very full, on multiple men, etc. It is really troubling me, as I have been with my present partner for almost 10 years and we are deeply attached. However I feel I can't talk to him about it because I have faked all this time. I have tried to have the same fantasies during sex together and he is a considerate lover. I simply never get there and eventually become bored. From reading other people's messages, there seems to be no simple solution, but it is increasingly upsetting to me, I want to have a real bond together. Is there anything I can do? Please help!
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Now you can see why faking it doesn't really help anything in the long run, can't you?
First, I would not admit to him that you've been faking it. There's too much emotional charge in admitting that...at least for now.
Instead, I'd start a conversation with him asking him to help get you to a higher level. Ask for some ideas of what the two of you could do together.
You don't have to share your fantasy of multiple men if you don't want to, but also, if you mention it, don't state it as a demand nor a requirement.
Tell him that you're having more trouble getting off, and wondered if he could help you with more attention during foreplay and sex.
Perhaps you'll need a sex toy, or vibrator, or direct clitoral stimulation. Have you tried oral sex? has he pleasured you by hand to orgasm? How about setting aside a night or two where you both give mutual massage, and agree that when it's your turn, he's to work on your genitals exclusively until you tell him enough. You could share a good book on sensual massage, or even an explicit video on initimate massage (I can think of two off hand: Sex Is Fun videos on DVD or Better Sex Series VHS/DVDs
And, there's a great book I'd suggest you both read: The Guide to Getting It On from Goofy Foot Press by Paul J. It has great diagrams and a light hearted approach to serious sex.
Good luck!
First, I would not admit to him that you've been faking it. There's too much emotional charge in admitting that...at least for now.
Instead, I'd start a conversation with him asking him to help get you to a higher level. Ask for some ideas of what the two of you could do together.
You don't have to share your fantasy of multiple men if you don't want to, but also, if you mention it, don't state it as a demand nor a requirement.
Tell him that you're having more trouble getting off, and wondered if he could help you with more attention during foreplay and sex.
Perhaps you'll need a sex toy, or vibrator, or direct clitoral stimulation. Have you tried oral sex? has he pleasured you by hand to orgasm? How about setting aside a night or two where you both give mutual massage, and agree that when it's your turn, he's to work on your genitals exclusively until you tell him enough. You could share a good book on sensual massage, or even an explicit video on initimate massage (I can think of two off hand: Sex Is Fun videos on DVD or Better Sex Series VHS/DVDs
And, there's a great book I'd suggest you both read: The Guide to Getting It On from Goofy Foot Press by Paul J. It has great diagrams and a light hearted approach to serious sex.
Good luck!
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As it happens, I told him last night. I handled it tactfully and he was supportive. We talked long and hard into the night and then went to bed and had some non-faked fun. Although I didn't come, I felt released from the lie and had no escape, if that makes sense. Trully quite liberating! What comes now, I guess is learning to relax, over coming modesty and inhibition issues and being more open about what I am enjoying and what I am not. I think faking it for so long has made me lazy, tense and negitive sexually. I hope I get there. Pardon the pun. Many thanks for your advice.x
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Wow! Great!
You went farther than I thought you would in the first step!
That's great! (I hate to suggest being less than honest, but I was afraid how he might have reacted. Good job!) :-)
You went farther than I thought you would in the first step!
That's great! (I hate to suggest being less than honest, but I was afraid how he might have reacted. Good job!) :-)
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Toxshock,
Kirk C gave some great advice. I'm glad you addressed the problem immediately. You sound like a woman after my own heart. I am also glad that your guy was supportive and understanding. Now, we have to try fixing the problem.
Like, do you have a desire to be with multiple men at the same time or is that just a fantacy that you would never act on? Your guy probably won't go for it but sometimes people will surprise you.
I think the two of you shoud go shopping for toys and porn together. Dress up and roll play. Get nasty and let go of yourself. Bring the freak out of him. Tell him exactly what you want him to do (maybe some things from your fantacy).
A company called "Romance" has some nice things. Look them up on the net. I have the "Tongue" from them and I loved it! I got my money's worth out of that thing. I used it everynight until I broke it. You couldn't tell me that wasn't a man down there licking. It felt real.
If you get toys from Romance, also buy the cleaner. I use condoms on my dilldo. We want to orgasm, but not at the expense of an infection.
Good luck! Keep me posted.
Kirk C gave some great advice. I'm glad you addressed the problem immediately. You sound like a woman after my own heart. I am also glad that your guy was supportive and understanding. Now, we have to try fixing the problem.
Like, do you have a desire to be with multiple men at the same time or is that just a fantacy that you would never act on? Your guy probably won't go for it but sometimes people will surprise you.
I think the two of you shoud go shopping for toys and porn together. Dress up and roll play. Get nasty and let go of yourself. Bring the freak out of him. Tell him exactly what you want him to do (maybe some things from your fantacy).
A company called "Romance" has some nice things. Look them up on the net. I have the "Tongue" from them and I loved it! I got my money's worth out of that thing. I used it everynight until I broke it. You couldn't tell me that wasn't a man down there licking. It felt real.
If you get toys from Romance, also buy the cleaner. I use condoms on my dilldo. We want to orgasm, but not at the expense of an infection.
Good luck! Keep me posted.
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I myself had the same issue for the longest time. I'm happily able to cum during intercourse now and it has made a world of difference in my and my boyfriend's sex life. It turned out that number one you have to be comfortable with your body in front of your partner the same way you are when you're masturbating by yourself. The more sexy you feel, the more you tend to act on that with your partner and your partner with you.
Second, believe or not, for some women like myself, being in love with your partner helps even more. I still do have some issues with not being able to have an orgasm fast enough but when that happens I find that sometimes, as others said, bringing toys into the picture do help.
Also, try clinching ( keggles exercise) like you're holding your pee-- if you do this for several minutes it causes that area to become more sensitive (more fit) not to mention you'll want to jump right on your guy and have your way with him. A definite mood enhancer. let me know if that helps.
Second, believe or not, for some women like myself, being in love with your partner helps even more. I still do have some issues with not being able to have an orgasm fast enough but when that happens I find that sometimes, as others said, bringing toys into the picture do help.
Also, try clinching ( keggles exercise) like you're holding your pee-- if you do this for several minutes it causes that area to become more sensitive (more fit) not to mention you'll want to jump right on your guy and have your way with him. A definite mood enhancer. let me know if that helps.
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Thanks guys, It still hasn't happened yet, but I am still finding sex more enjoyable. I am finding the problem is that my mind doesn't stop. I ask myself questions like, should I be doing something also (Whilst he is using foreplay on me) or I should be relaxing, must relax. To say the least I am uptight and not relaxed. This going to take time. So any ideas on how to switch a mind off, they would be most welcome.
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Well, some would suggest a drink or two... 8-|
While others would suggest a full body massage...
I find some tv or reading a good "Harry Potter" book to help a bit..
but I think the key is to be in the moment and not trying to second guess yourself too much.
It's not "What's he doing?" or "What should I be doing?" as much as "Gee, that feels nice... I'm going to tell him right now to keep doing that..." 8)
Anybody else got ideas? 8)
While others would suggest a full body massage...
I find some tv or reading a good "Harry Potter" book to help a bit..
but I think the key is to be in the moment and not trying to second guess yourself too much.
It's not "What's he doing?" or "What should I be doing?" as much as "Gee, that feels nice... I'm going to tell him right now to keep doing that..." 8)
Anybody else got ideas? 8)
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